The following are some observations I have made during my extensive social exchanges at home and abroad. Hopefully they will help you confidently interact with clients, bosses, prospective lovers, etc.
1. Avoid the faux pas of spills by minimizing the time food travels from plate to mouth. Two strategies are recommended:
a) Bring plate/bowl to mouth
b) Bring mouth to plate/bowl
The latter is preferred. Rest the cheekbone on table beside plate so that the lips are touching the edge. Use a spoon or your hand to push food into gaping mouth.
2. When a table-mate asks you to "pass the - ", he or she may mean different things:
a) Eventually
Wait several minutes. If you look up and the item has still not been passed, you may hesitate and eventually move it.
b) After everyone else has had some
Assume that the person is generous; pass the opposite way first.
c) Just hassling you
Ignore the request. This person is trying to irritate you with constant demands. Bite your angry tongue and simply do not respond.
d) Work for it
People do not want to be treated like babies. Do not make it easy. Make them work for it. Try to touch their chin repeately with the dish before they grab it (be fast). Or, shake the dish ferociously while they try to serve themselves of its bounty.
e) "Pass" means throw or toss.
3. Everything but soup can be finger food.
4. Let the hostess know in advance what your initial expectations are. Tell her as you are sitting down that the food looks and smells like "two goats crapping on a skunk." Afterwards, when she hears you sigh that the meal was "better than I expected", she will feel genuinely complimented.
5. If something served at the meal is known (to you at least) to be high in carbohydrates, sugar, msg, etc., make sure you draw everyone's attention to the fact. This is a good time to shout, "Are you trying to kill me?" or "Now I see how you maintain your amazing figure, Blimpy."
6. Do not be afraid to accept the hostess' generosity.
a) Immediately take the bowl or dish with the most expensive or best tasting food. Heap its contents up high on your plate. Eat as much as you can.
b) Fill your plate. Drench it with whichever sauces or condiments your hostess has in her cupboards. Take a bite. If it tastes good, eat up. If not, ask for a new plate. Try it again and again, with different combinations, until you get it right.
7. Good etiquette demands you to do what is best for others to make their meal taste better. Sometimes you know better than they do. When their attention is diverted, or better yet they are in the washroom, make the necessary adjustments. For instance, a teaspoon of salt always brings out the flavour of coffee. Likewise, jelly salad is much tastier when crushed into potatoes or white wine.
8. Sometimes the hostess has too much on her mind to remember to supply dinner music. Thus, it is the duty of the guest. Of course, music is a broad term. Some people enjoy listening to an hour of monotone "da dada". Some prefer percussion, specifically the delightful drumming of steak knives on fine china. Also popular are gutteral tribal war chants.
9. Make conversation. Despite your hostess' misgivings, the words "pus", "anal" and "vomit" are acceptable table words. What you say is certainly everyone's business. Such as the story about the rectal thermometer you found in the alley under some newspaper, or the one where you let your wounds heal "naturally" after your encounter with rats at the dump.
10. Your etiquette should not stop until dishes are washed and put away. Make sure the hostess does not feel neglected during the post-meal cleanup. So she notices you, stand directly between the table and the kitchen munching on something and talking incessantly about how the world should be. When she tries to wiggle past you with left-overs and plates, move only when you have made your point and she agrees fully. During the dish-washing and further kitchen cleanup, stand right beside or in front of the hostess and continue your ramblings. If she hands you something, whether clean or dirty, cram it into the nearest drawer. Do not worry about it when you accidentally knock stuff down to the floor. She wants you there, talking to her.
Deep thoughts;
"When I was a child, there were times we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV."
"Consider the daffodil. and while you're doing that, I'll be over here going through your stuff."
"Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared."
"Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have."
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."
So this guy goes to the doctor complaining of dizziness. The doctor checks him over and says, "I've got bad news and worse news!" The guy says, "Oh no! Give me the bad news first." The doctor says, "Well, you have Alzheimers." "That's terrible. What's worse than that?" "There is a lot of pressure in your skull and there is nothing I can do. I expect that in 5 days your head will probably explode," says the doctor. "Oh well, it could be worse. At least I don't have Alzheimers!"