The atmosphere was electric. Everyone milled together, multitudes joined in revelry, as the night exploded in a mass of hues and the clock silently brought us forward to meet the new year. I have never felt so amazingly out of my body as i did that night - i was buzzing. Whether it was the alcohol, the drugs, or the company I'll never really know, but I was having a great time. And when the crowd started singing and Shez kissed me, I knew I would never forget it. Shez and I had known each other since we were seven, we basically grew up together and I was heartbroken when her family moved away when we were thirteen. We stayed in contact through high school, but letters were never as satisfying as being able to sit and chat, laugh and play. When my letters began to be returned unknown at this address, I felt as if a part of me had died - Shez had been my one and only life long friend and my heart ached knowing that I had lost her, probably forever. Then came the phone call that I had dreamed about for five long years - Shez had tracked me down and discovered that I was living a Sunday drive away! I couldn't believe it! We talked on the phone for what seemed like an eternity, and we arranged to meet up again as soon as time allowed. I was ecstatic! Finally my waiting and longing for my friend had come to an end! I was overjoyed to have her back! The day we met for coffee I was as nervous as if I was going on my first date. My hands trembled slightly as I lit a cigarette and watched her car pull into the parking lot. This was it! I could barely contain my excitement as I walked over to her; it took an enormous amount of self-control not to run and sweep her into my arms. As she stepped from her vehicle I couldn't help but appreciate the beauty that the girl I knew had developed into - she was a woman in every sense of the word. Svelte body, gorgeous pouty lips, flowing blonde hair and the bluest eyes that said "I can go from 0 to BITCH in 2 seconds - DON'T FUCK WITH ME". We embraced and for all her confidence I felt her tremble; she was as nervous as I was. We entered the cafe and found a table near a window, one that had a perfect view of the coastline and the narrow strip of sand that separated green from blue. We ordered our coffee - me straight white, her mocha cappucino - my god she was exquisite. Sitting there chatting about the years we had missed flooded my soul with the aching I had felt when she had been taken from me by her family, and I realized that I had loved her even as a child. When she asked if I had a boyfriend, my heart lurched and I giggled nervously as I said no, there hadn't been any guys for a long time. She gave me a confused grin and as she asked why, I could see that she was coming to a realization as I said the words - I'm lesbian. Her eyes danced as she smiled and said that somehow she'd kind of known that all along. After that any kind of awkwardness that there had been between us disappeared and in an instant we were seven year-olds again. A couple of weeks after that first re-meeting, Shez called me and invited me to spend New Year's Eve with her. Naturally I accepted without hesitation - I couldn't wait to see this goddess again. Although we lived barely three hours apart, the trip felt devastatingly long. I was anxious to once more hold my friend in my arms and to spend some time alone with her. When I arrived at her apartment she took me in and made me a drink - bourbon and ginger - I love the hard stuff. We sat on the balcony and smoked and drank and talked for the best part of an hour - reflecting on our childhood and I could see that eventhough she had been through a lot and her exterior was hardened, underneath she was still a child craving love and attention. We were to go out with a group of her friends that night and after I had showered and purged myself of the road grime they began to arrive. There were four of us - Annie (Shez's best friend), Roh (her ex-boyfriend), Shez and I. It wasn't long before the music was pumping and the alcohol really started to flow. Pretty soon I was lost in the spirit and as the sun went down the party had only just started. Around 9:30 we decided we'd better head into the city - after all that's where all the fun was supposed to be! We managed to catch the train just before it left the station and it wasn't long before we were thrust into the ever-strengthening crowds. From the moment I stepped off the train my mind was in a whirl, all I could think about was how damn good it felt to be throwing off the shackles of my normally mundane life and daring to step out into the fast lane. Shez was a dynamo and she dragged us all around the riverside taking in everything she could - tonight was her night and goddamit she was determined to have fun! Her excitement soon conquered us all and by the time we reached the piazza for more drinks and dancing I was pretty revved. I didn't even think twice as she pushed half her tab into my mouth and told me it would help me enjoy the night. The bitter taste of the drug almost made me gag as I swallowed, but a quick pull on the beer I was holding soon killed the urge and my head started to spin. Everything became brilliantly alive and my eyes felt as if blinds had been lifted away from them. This sure was going to be a night to remember! We mingled and danced, laughed and cajoled with each other; I had only just met these people but I felt as though I had known them all my life. As the band began to play "Smooth" by Santana, Shez stood and dragged me to the edge of the dance floor. We just stood and listened and I was more than a little shocked when Shez leaned back against me and pulled my arm around her waist. From that point the world drifted, I felt as though we were one as we stood together, gently swaying in time to the music. All too soon the song had finished and we moved back to the table where Roh took Shez in his arms and she more than willingly returned the embrace. I felt cheated. Annie looked at me knowingly and told me that it was the alcohol. I didn't know if she meant that it was just because of the alcohol that Shez had leaned into me or if she was talking about the sudden display of affection for her ex. None of it mattered though because at that moment Shez looked at me and smiled one of the most angelic smiles I had ever seen and I melted. It didn't matter what she did, I loved her and that was that, eventhough watching her with Roh was driving me crazy. After the hype had died down and the countdown and fireworks had finished, we all went back to Shez's apartment to continue the party. I was higher from her kiss than from any of the alcohol or drugs and I was eagerly anticipating any further contact with those lips. I was entirely exhausted but I am not one to pike on a party and it was well after sunrise before most of the guests left and I was able to try and get some rest. As I laid down on the sofa, Shez came over and sat beside me and asked if there was anything I wanted. She looked so damn beautiful and as I brushed some hair from her face my mind said that the only thing I really wanted right then was her. I was almost overwhelmed by the desire to kiss her, but I held back, it was not the right time - some of her friends were still here and Roh was waiting in her bed. I took one more look into those beautiful baby blues and told her that I was fine and I thought she should get some rest. As she smiled and got up she touched my forehead and whispered goodnight, then she walked away and I knew I had lost her for good - for any woman to be that straight is a crime.

phoenix mckenna © Thu. 31 August, 2001

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