Excerpt from Jessica

Jessica sat working busily at her desk. She had only begun her job as US Ambassador to France eight months before, but she worked hard to be the best. She was a good worker, and that’s how she had gotten the job at the young age of twenty-seven. She lived alone in a flat in Paris, and she loved the city. She had several friends there, a couple from before she lived there and a few new ones.

When she’d first moved to France, it was sort of hard for her to adjust, but her French was getting better each day, and as she made more friends, it got easier. She’d found it was rather hard to make friends in the city at first, but as she went out more and got more comfortable with her surroundings, she had begun to make more. Before long, she’d have many friends there, and she’d be able to call it home.

She placed some paperwork in her outbox just as her secretary rang.

"Oui, Maryse," Jessica answered on the intercom.

"Jason Richmond est ice pour vous voir," Maryse informed her.

Jason, here? Jessica grew excited. "Envoyez-lui ici."

The door to her office opened, and as she jumped hurriedly to greet the man on the other side, she whacked her knee on the desk. Ignoring it, she across the room. The sight of him was almost too much to believe. She stopped just short of knocking him over. She covered her mouth with her hands and stood fixed in the center of the room for a moment, allowing the reality of his presence to sink in. A moment later, she began to tremble. "Jason!" she squealed.

A tall, handsome man of twenty-nine stood before her. He wore a well-decorated Marine uniform and held the white hat in hand. He opened his arms wide as she came to him. "Hello, Jessica."

Jessica stepped quickly to him and received his embrace. She kissed him on the cheek. "Oh Jason, what are you doing here?"

He held her back a bit and smiled. "I was in the neighborhood."

She jabbed him playfully. "In the neighborhood. Of course." She hugged him again and felt the strength of his arms, an embrace she knew well. Jessica and Jason were old friends. They had known each other since the eighth grade and had dated in high school. While Jessica was in college, they had remained close, but during her senior year, he married, and when she went to graduate school, they pretty much lost touch. Just before she finished graduate school, she received a letter from him saying that the marriage was over and that he wanted to see her again. He also said that he would be leaving the reserves and enlisting as a full-time officer. When he came to Washington to see her, they tried to restart their relationship, but soon, they were separated again, and the strain became too much for them. She began dating someone else, and they resolved to just stay friends, the one thing they were always good at. That was nearly two years ago now, though it seemed like ages, and they had only seen each other once in that time, just before Jessica left for France. She was completely surprised to see him. She pulled away from him and took his hand, leading him to one of the chairs in front of her desk. She sat down in another next to him.

"Gosh, it’s so good to see you," Jessica said happily. "How have you been?"

"I can’t complain. What about you?" Jason returned.

"Fine. . .I’m fine," Jessica answered. "So Jason, what are you doing here?"

"I’m stationed here for some time, so I thought I would drop by," Jason explained. He smiled. "I hope I didn’t intrude."

"Intrude? Of course not," Jessica replied. "I just can’t believe you’re here."

"Well, it’s me all right, in the flesh." Jason stretched out his arms. "So you don’t mind my moving in with you?"

Jessica looked at him as if he were nuts. "What?!"

"You know. . .move in. . .be pals. . .roommies. It won’t be for too long—just six months or so."

Jessica couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. "Are you serious?"

Jason laughed. "No, sorry. I know how much you’d love me to move in and all, but I guess I’ll just stay on the base. I don’t want to impose."

Jessica’s eyes widened. "You are serious."

Jason looked at her face and laughed again. "No, I’m just kidding. Of course I’m staying on the base! I have to be there. And really, how well would we work as roommates?"

Now Jessica laughed. "You’re right. We’d probably kill each other within a week, but how long are you going to be here really?"

"Four months, give or take a couple weeks." He sounded so nonchalant.

"Jason, that’s wonderful!" She was excited, but suddenly, her expression changed, and he knew she was hiding something.

"What’s wrong, Jess?" Jason asked.

She looked startled. "What do you mean?"

"Something’s wrong."

"No, really."

"Jessica, we’re not going to play this game. You know I can tell when something’s on your mind. Now speak."

She became defensive, "Jason, it’s nothing."

Jason tried to joke about it, "What? Do you have someone else already? I’m sure you have several, but I’ll take care of ‘em"

Jessica looked away. "No, it’s nothing like that."

Jason grew serious. "Then what?"

She knew he wasn’t going to leave it go. She had already slipped up. "I-I’m leaving for New York in two months," Jessica stood up and walked quickly away from him, leaving the statement to hang in midair.

"You’re what?" Jason stood astonished in the center of the room. He shifted his hat as he tried to reign his anger. "Jessica, why?"

"I was offered a spot in a Broadway show," Jessica replied. "It’s the part I’ve always wanted."

Jason could not believe his ears. "Are you crazy?"

"Of course not. This is Broadway, Jason. It was my dream," she protested.

"Jessica, it hasn’t been your dream for a long time. What do you have to prove by doing this? It’s insanity. Why would you do it, Jess?" He was standing now, too.

She stood silent for a moment, gazing vacantly out the window and down into the street. "I have to." The words were barely audible as she ran her fingers along the pane.

Jason walked across the room and took her by the shoulders. He turned her to face him, and his eyes penetrated deep. "Jessica, how can you just throw away your career? Look around you. You’ve worked so hard to get here. I know Broadway is a big deal, but you’ve worked for this, and Broadway will still be there later."

"So will France."

Jason looked at her as if she was a lunatic. "Do you hear yourself? If you walk away now, you’re not going to be able to come back, and you know it. It’s not an optional job—it’s your career, Jess. Your ass is on the line here."

Her eyes looked at him but were focused somewhere else. She couldn’t respond.

"When will you stop? You have to realize that you just can’t have it all. You made it where you wanted to be. You’re here, in France, an ambassador in the embassy. You have the life you always wanted, what you went to school for, what you set out to be. When will you be happy?"

The word caused her to twitch. She pulled away from him. She seemed as a child as she stared blankly at the floor shuffling her feet. "I can’t," she whispered. "I have to go back there. There’s so much..."

Jason took her in his arms. "Jessica, you’ve accomplished so much. You’ve done everything that you’ve set out to do. Why do you think you need to prove yourself? The only one who doesn’t believe that you’re beautiful, smart, and successful is you. Everyone else feels inferior to you, yet you still feel like you’ve got to prove yourself to them. Why? Why can’t you just believe that you’re as amazing as you are?"

Jessica’s eyes grew misty. "Because I’m not. . .I haven’t. . ." She bit her lip to keep it from quivering. She was not going to cry. Abruptly, she jerked away from him and moved swiftly to her desk, composing herself as she walked. "Jason, I really have a lot to get done. Thank you for stopping by. It was really nice to see you again. Call me sometime, and we’ll do lunch. . .or something." She didn’t look up from the papers she shuffled meaninglessly. "I’m sorry we couldn’t visit longer, but I really need to get to work—"

Jason grew hot. She was so unhappy. He wasn’t going to leave her like this. Why was it so hard for her to accept herself? He stepped over to her chair and pulled her out of it. A startled expression crossed her face, but he began before she could speak. "Jessica, when will you be satisfied? You can’t go on like this forever. You just can’t do it all; why do you try? You have everything a person could ask for and more, yet you won’t allow yourself to enjoy it. Why do you think you’re such a failure? What more do you need?" His grip was strong, and his words cut deeply through her.

Jessica knew she could not escape his grip, so she gave in. Her lips formed the words, but there was no sound. "I don’t know." The wall broke, and the tears began to flow down her face. Jason’s anger was replaced with a sudden softness, and he drew her close, his arms offering her reassurance. He could feel her body become weak as she allowed herself to accept his comfort.

"Jess, you’re amazing, and everyone seems to know that but you. You have it all. You’re easy to get along with, you have friends everywhere and make new ones easily. You have the potential to do anything you want, go anywhere you want, and be anyone you want, and you’ve already proven that. People are so envious of you, yet you still want more. What are you trying to find?"

The thought stilled her for a moment. Without warning, she replied with a single word, "Love."

Jason was stunned. He moved her away from him so he could look at her. He grinned as he said, "Are you joking? Everyone loves you."

"No," she stated flatly. "They don’t. It’s always the same—everywhere I go. ‘We love Jessica,’ ‘Jessica’s really great,’ ‘it just wouldn’t be the same without Jessica,’ but really, they don’t even notice when I’m gone, and most would prefer that I am."

Jason was dumbfounded with disbelief. "Are you kidding me?"

Her demeanor remained the same. "I’ve been alone longer than I can remember," she paused as if unsure whether to go on. "I’ve been running from it my whole life. Keep moving, keep busy, and they can’t hurt you. You don’t need them. You can be happy. Don’t let them hurt you again. But it always catches up with me. . . always. I do need them. I need people around me. I need a man that I can go home to at night, and he can wrap his arms around me and tell me it’s O.K. I need that." She seemed to receive some strength from saying this, and she began walking around the room wringing her hands roughly. "Everyone loves Jessica, but no one can love Jessica." With this, she stopped. The strength suddenly left her, and her posture fell.

Jason hurried to her, but he stopped just short of taking her up again. Instead, he reached for her hand. The touch startled her as he used her hand to turn her body toward him. He looked directly at her holding her hand firmly between them. "Jessica, anyone could love you."

"No!" She shouted and withdrew her hand. She began wringing it once again as she took her place by the window once more. "That’s exactly what I mean. Guys are always like that. They compliment me and make me feel like I really do have a chance—just not with them. I’m a great girl—but for someone else. If I’m all those things they say I am, then why am I always the one left alone. I can’t handle it anymore. It’s become too much for me, but there’s nothing I can do. . .I just keep moving." She hesitated as if there was something more she wanted to say. Finally, her words caused Jason’s blood to run cold. "Even you married someone else."

Jason could not respond. He had no idea how to. She was somehow right, but he knew she was wrong. She’d just caught him off guard. He’d never expected her to use that against him. But he’d never realized what she put herself through. What could he possibly say to ease that kind of pain? There was no answer. He tugged at the jacket of his uniform and shifted his weight. "Maybe—"

"Save it, please," she interrupted him with a breathless murmur. "I’ve heard all the excuses and even used them myself. I already know. I really can’t bear to hear them again." She sounded exhausted. She was too tired to keep running.

Jason turned toward the desk, walked over, and set his hat down, just to take up some time. He saw the pictures on her desk and looked at them thoughtfully. There was one of the two of them at his Marine commencement several years ago placed neatly in a silver frame. Next to that, a photo of Jess with her younger brother and sister back home in the states nearly two years ago. Then there was a picture of her best friend in college at her wedding three summers ago. She now lived in Florida with her husband. On the other side of the desk were several pictures of children. Some he recognized as her cousins’ kids and kids Jessica had counseled in the past, but others were unfamiliar. Some other family photos were on a shelf along the wall, placed so they could be seen from the chair behind the desk. Most were couples—aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins and their spouses. Hanging on the walls were important documents such as her diplomas declaring her education including her graduate degree from the Georgetown School of Foreign Studies. Along with these were larger pictures of Jessica at her college graduation, being toasted at her going away party in the White House, and several with famous dignitaries—the president of the United States appointing her as US Ambassador to France the preceding summer, the prime minister of England hugging her at a dinner party, the French president commending her for her work on a project she had completed with the help of his cabinet, the queen of England greeting her at Buckingham Palace. How she had accomplished so much in so little time baffled Jason, and the fact that she couldn’t see it puzzled him even more. She was only twenty-seven years old, and one glance around the room proved that she had done far more than most can in a lifetime. Still, as he studied the pictures, he began to realize that the most important accomplishment she had wanted to achieve in her life was to have a family, and at this point, she hadn’t even come close. For her, this meant everything.

"It’s the kids, isn’t it?" Jason was beginning to understand.

Jessica still faced away from him, but he could tell he had struck the nerve he was looking for. She remained silent for a moment, then said softly, "I won’t be young forever. . ."

It all began to make sense. Jessica felt alone, and it didn’t seem as if it was going to change any time soon. She didn’t have any men in her life, and she wanted kids more than anything. Jason remembered back to when they were younger and how she doted over children. This was very important to her, and though she was young, in her mind, she only had several years ahead of her to have children. Once that time was gone, there’d be no second chance. "Jessica, you can’t torture yourself like this. I know that isn’t really comforting, but I don’t know what else to say." He stood up from where he sat behind her desk and walked up behind her. He squeezed her shoulders gently.

Jessica turned around to face him, and for the first time, he saw her wide eyes glistening. "Oh Jason, I just feel so alone."

He hugged her tightly, lacking the words to reassure her verbally. What could be said? As much as he wanted to tell her it was all right, it wasn’t, and it wouldn’t be. He loved her so much, but he just couldn’t fill the position of the man she needed. He was a Marine, always moving, being restationed, placed on missions, never in one place long enough to acquire any relationships. She needed someone who could be there for her. He knew this. So did she. They had tried before, but it just couldn’t hold up. The distance placed too much strain on both of them. They had resolved to just be friends, and that was how they had remained for the last two years. No, he couldn’t help this time except to offer her the support he now gave. "Jess, you’re not alone. You know that. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you because I still love you, but that doesn’t mean you’re alone. You’ve got to—"

"You still what?" Jessica drew back and interrupted him.

"Jess, you know I still love you. How could I stop?" He was embarrassed by her surprise.

"You do?" She still seemed astonished.

Jason chuckled, "Come on. You know I do. I’m here, aren’t I?" He tried to keep smiling, but she continued to gaze at him, studying his face. His grin disappeared as he tried to keep from seeming uneasy. "I love you, Jessica, more than anything, but you know it just doesn’t work with us. I wish it could, but I won’t go through it again. It’s too much for both of us." She just kept staring at him, and he didn’t know what to make of it. Suddenly, he kissed her. She drew closer to him, and their lips pressed together. A moment passed.

Jessica drew away, touching her lips. "No, Jason. We can’t do this again."

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