MATCH #5: CUT N SHOOT HERITAGE TITLE MATCH
Ronnie Frown vs. Titus Moongarden
{The opening guitar line of "Ronnie" by Metallica plays on the PA, as
Ronnie Frown stalks down to the ring in stone-washed grey denim jeans
and a Jay Gillette souvenir t-shirt which has been bleach-faded; an
airbrushed logo over both front and back reads "Killjoy Was Here".
Around his waist is looped the thick braided rope noose (allegedly
stolen from Brewster Cogburn) which acts as the Cut 'n Shoot Heritage
Championship "belt". His left arm is bound to his chest in a tight
hospital sling.}
[Ronnie Frown]
If you leeches will excuse me for a moment, YOUR Heritage Champion has
a few words to say ...
<>
Specifically, I want to say "thank you" to Mr. Jay Gillette. Yeah,
that's right ... you see, Jay taught me a very important lesson: if
you give a man enough rope ... {He pauses to unwrap the noose from his
waist and holds it up} ... eventually he's going to hang himself.
In your case, Jay, this rope {drops it with a light toss onto the mat}
was enough to bring out your self-destructive side ... because
someone gave you this rope, you were brainless enough to step into the
ring with a man who actually knows wrestling holds that don't involve
his teeth, and it'll undoubtedly bring you back for more. I just want
you to remember, when Ronnie Frown hands your head to you again and
again in humiliating defeat after painfully miserable defeat, that in
the end you're the one who can stop it. Just don't show up.
Now, in MY case ... that lesson's a little more literal.
{Ronnie lowers the microphone, as the Solotron lights up; it replays
footage from the last episode of IMPACT, with Ronnie Frown facing
Jay Gillette in a strap match. Ronnie gets tossed into the ropes and
knocked down on the rebound with a steel chair to the head. Jay
starts walking the corners for a winning run, but as he touches the
third corner Ronnie gets back to his feet; to keep Jay from touching
the fourth corner, Ronnie dives over the top rope, yanking Jay with
the strap but wrenching his own arm in an ugly fashion. To add
insult to injury, he gets nailed in the back of the head by a
baseball slide kick from Gillette while he's clutching his arm.}
[Ronnie Frown]
If you all take a look at this, you will see the dangers of head
trauma ... in a moment of intense pain and rattled brains, Ronnie
Frown lost his focus ... and does something really, REALLY dumb. {He
pauses for a moment to rub his shoulder} I told everyone last week
just how worthless this so-called "title" was, and the fact I'm
standing here right now proves it. The highest paid men in this
promotion are sitting on the bench in rehab, but your "champion",
Ronnie Frown, can't get so much as a whole week away from this ring
to recover.
Which brings us to Mr. Titus Moongarden, who I'm sure is right now
thinking he just drew the fourth ace in the poker hand of life and
can start reaching for the pot ... in fact, you have to expect a guy
named "Moongarden" is pretty damn used to reaching for the pot. BUT,
let me tell you the sad facts of life, Mr. Moongarden: everybody
already knows that you couldn't last one minute with the Endurance
King of the Summit Wrestling Association in a straight-up match, so
you don't stand an honest man's chance in Vegas of taking down Ronnie
Frown in a Falls Count Anywhere match. If you think I'm letting you
just walk away THIS week, after you blew your shot at the easy ride
LAST week ... GET USED TO DISAPPOINTMENT!
<>
And this is for the Cut 'n Shoot Heritage title, as last week we saw
a very one sided MUGGING from one Ronnie Frown....
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$EWC CAM$ START
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(from LotR 11)
OH YEAH, FROWN'S HAD ENOUGH, he took a swing with the club at the leg..
Byron dodg...NO, FROWN UPSWINGS!! The club bridges right across Moongarden's
nose!!!!! And Moongarden is bleeding now as Frown tosses the club from the
ring...he's telling the ref to ring the bell now and this is just sick...
I am so enjoying this, I had forgotten just how much of a rotten bastard
Ronnie Frown can be.
Frown hooks the head of Moongarden...BITTER PILL Faceplant Suplex, and he got
260+ of Moongarden over......and he's screaming at the referee to count..one..
two...three!
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$EWC CAM$ FINISH
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<>
And we've got a situation here as Mikahil Tzskova, the Philosopher, has submarined
Moongarden from behind as he was getting ready to walk out..and he POSTHOLES
Moongarden's knee into the concrete backstage.
Tzskova, according to my sources, spent a week in heavy meditation after the mugging
he laid on Moongarden at Hot Summer Night, and now he's back to finish what he
started.
He's got that leg inside of a steel chair, we've seen this far too many times...
OWWWW!! Jumps right on that steel chair. For gods sake, under CnS rules, Frown
should be stripped of the title for this.
WHOA WHOA WHOA!! First of all, the rules state that outside interferences DURING THE
MATCH will cost the titleholder the belt. The match hasn't started yet. Secondly,
Tzskova just wants some of the Ty-dye-bowl Man, he's not out there to help Frown.
And Tzskova now finally locking on the Last Word, and Moongarden is nearly unconscious
under the pain of that reverse figure four...and Tzskova finally leaving the scene as
Moongarden is completely and utterly out.
Meanwhile, Frown is getting impatient..and he tells the ref to ring the bell and follow
him! Oh, this is classic.
This is PATHETIC..this is not how this title was meant to be defended!!!!
Hey, the rules are very clear..once the bell rings, it's one on one! And this match
was rolled to be a Falls Count Anywhere match, so the match could conceivably start
anywhere.
And Frown now in the back followed by Wayne Winans...and Frown kicks Moongarden once...
and then stands on him and yells at the referee to count one ...two....three. This is
SICKENING!
*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*
* Ronnie Frown, via pinfall, :11 (retains) *
*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*
And Ronnie Frown, the Endurance King of the SWA, now has two pinfall wins over Titus
Moongarden..and he only needed a combined time of 35 SECONDS for BOTH WINS!! TELL
me this isn't a complete and utter domination of his opponent!
This is an outrage...Moongarden's a good kid who's just looking for some straight up
competition, and he just keeps getting screwed out of match after match...something
tells me this kid better hook up with another ally and soon.
Hey, Tzskova ran Moongarden's last ally, the so-called "Hardcore Legend" Dr. Feelgood.
Face it, Tzskova's on a big time roll.
Fans, we'll be back after this...
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The long running (4 and 1/2 years and counting) e-wrestling federation
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DCW uses a set of rules designed specifically for email play, MatchMatch.
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flexible character design
clearly defined and tunable strategies
a wide variety of competitive designs
all sorts of other zoomy stuff
If this sounds at all interesting, check out the website:
http://www.panix.com/~nexus/vcw
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MATCH #6: "SILKY SMOOTH" SIMON SANDERS vs. Neil Nerdlinger
The 5'6" 140-lb Nerdlinger was in the ring yanking the ropes to pump
himself up as "Scatman" came across the arena speakers, hailing the
arrival of the former two-time Light-Heavy and Television champ. He
received a very warm reception as he strolled down the aisle, slapping
hands with anyone who stuck their hand out. As he passed the ringside
camera, he said, "Time ta show da boy how it's done." A step through the
ropes, a removal of his hat and vest, and the match was underway.
Neil tried to jump Sanders from behind, but the forearms to the back were
having no effect. Sanders slowly turned around, put a hand squarely in
Neil's chest and pushed him all the way back to the opposite corner,
jawing at him all the way. Once there, Sanders unleashed a series of
chops and forearms, following up each blow with some trash talk -
>*SMACK*< "Dat whut you were tryin' ta do, boy? Lemme show ya whut a
fo'arm is like...." Sanders then set to whip his opponent to the other
corner, but Neil reversed it and charged in. Sanders tried to get a foot
up, but Neil stopped himself short, and did the pointing-to-the-head "I'm
so smart" gesture toward the fans. Sanders interrupted the celebration
with a tap on the shoulder, then as Neil turned around, Sanders grabbed
the nerd's glasses and tossed them up the aisle.
Sanders went on to have some fun with the blinded Nerdlinger. He did the
Muhammed Ali shuffle around Neil sticking in an occasional jab, and Neil
swung wildly hoping to hit something. After enough toying, Sanders
slapped on a hammer lock and rammed Nerdlinger's shoulder into the
turnbuckles. He repeated this blow, then hooked Neil's arm over the top
rope and planted a drop kick to the shoulder. Set-up for an Irish whip,
and Neil found himself on the receiving end of a ring-rocking
belly-to-belly suplex. Sanders then circled around and locked on "The
Duke" cross-arm breaker. Neil gave up almost immediately, but Sanders
kept the hold on until the referee "reminded" him to break the hold by
placing a 3-count on him.
On his way back up the aisle, Sanders picked up Neil's glasses and tossed
them back into the ring. He also paused long enough to tell the camera,
"I'm comin' back fo' dat belt, Monroe-Man. You ain't gettin' rid o'me dat
easy."
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sanders, the only chance you would have against Monroe
is if it were Falls Count Anywhere at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Leave it to you to keep bringing up someone's sordid past. Sanders is clean
and sober. EWC owner Armand LeBeaux wouldn't have signed the contract to bring
him here if he wasn't. Why can't you keep off his bacK?
*pause*
Journalistic Integrity.
In the immortal words of a recently departed comrade in arms, GIVE ME A BREAK!!!
Folks, after these messages, we'll be back with the Chaos Brigade vs. Parker
and Collins!
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(Cut to a shot of a backyard barbecue, where we see "Devastator" Derek
Machismo in a "Kiss the Cook" Apron, flipping burgers and tending
to some steaks on the grill)
[Derek]
When I'm throwing a Texas-style barbecue...even back home in Philly..
I like my steaks well done. Some say that's how I like my opponents too..
In either case, barbecue may smell good...but body odor sure doesn't..
especially among the masses.
That's why I use Right Guard Anti-Perspirent gel..even in the hottest
situations...I still stay cool. And with a fresh scent that even
the most discerning sports wife can love.
Right Guard. Anything else...
(Derek steps back from the grill and shoots a fireball from his glove.
The flames go about three feet up)
...would be uncivilized.
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MATCH #7: The Chaos Brigade vs. T.R. Parker/Joshua Collins.
<<"Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine plays, the lights go
off, fire shoots up from the ramp and when the lights come back on there's
a giant ad for TCB on the video wall with the toll free # 1-800-SMASH/CRUSH/
CATCH/SLASH-EM. That then cuts to a montage of the duo attacking people.
Riptide and Vertigo walk out in neon orange camoflage pants and black
combat books with spike collars.>>
That...is a VIT. Very...Imposing...Team.
This team looking to make an impact in the North American Tag Team Tournament
on Impact this week..and they're facing another team in that tournament
with a LOT of question marks over their heads right now....
<>
I knew it. Collins dumped him. I knew "The Sputter" was having some marital
problems! Where's the Mississippi Queen right now?
I think he's about to get to that...
[TR Parker]
"Despite what many of you, and the people in the back think...The Strutter
is not an idiot. Oh I know, he shoots his mouth off, he gets stuck between
two of the meanest SOBs on the face of the earth in PPV matches, he
routinely gets in the faces of monsters, legends, and freaks...yeah, I can
see where you might think that.
I've heard the talk in the back, the whispering, the accusations, the
rumors, the jokes, and seen a lot of stuff that I don't want to believe.
But I'm here to let you people know that all is right in the Parker
household. There's more than this band of gold that makes me and the Queen
a team, and that is something everybody needs to accept. She is mine and I
am hers.
Joshua Collins, I don't know where you are tonight, but rest assured The
Strutter is not in the habit of letting anybody down. See Josh, when the
red light on that camera comes on we're business partners with a job to do;
and when these arena lights go out we're friends and nothing is going to
change that. But there is one fact of the matter you fail to grasp...*I*
don't need you. Everything you've ever accomplished in this profession has
been with The Strutter, either in your corner, across the ring, or making
the three count. Some have it, and some don't. You're lucky that you have
me.
If that's the case, where's MQ, Parker?
[Parker]
Now -- there's a lot of guys around who want to look like, talk like,
wrestle like, walk like, and strut like The Strutter, just look at that
loser from Great Fakes Wrestling, Jeremy Byron for example.
<>
And there's a lot of guys who want to come home to and say 'Good morning'
to the Mississippi Queen to start each day. But Josh, there's only one Strutter
and you can't be him on your very best day. It's not a crime or a tragedy,
it's a fact. Who said that? <>
The Strutter said that.
BWHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
But..I..you can't.....Ooooooooo..if I wasn't tied to a broadcasters contract...
[Parker]
Chaos Brigade! You signed a contract for a butt-kicking tonight; and like
I said, The Strutter doesn't let anybody down. So grunt and growl at the
camera, tell your butt-ugly girlfriends back home to take the cigarettes
out of their mouths and put a tape in the VCR, because after I strut down
this aisle you're going to have your hands full with a very pissed
Strutter."
<>
+++SHORT REPORT MODE ON+++
The CB's take the opening seconds to introduce to Mr. Parker the folly of one
230 lb man in a handicap match against two near-300 pounders, as they immediately
start on Parker with stomps and forearms, basically mugging the much smaller man.
They pick him up, twin headbutt sends Parker careening to the turnbuckle..but when
Vertigo whips Riptide into the corner, Parker lifts himself up and over the charging
Riptide, then comes down with a twisting headscissors on Vertigo, sending him over the
top rope. Parker with a quick boot to the midsction on Riptide, followed by a lightning
fast DDT to a crowd pop..then he rebounds from the opposite ropes as Vertigo is standing
up outside....AIR STRUTTER SPRINGBOARD CLOTHESLINE!!!
<>
Parker very smartly rolling back into the ring..knife-edge chop on Riptide, backing him
into the ropes, then an irish whip....Parker comes off the other side with
a leg lariat..cover, 2 count. Parker runs to the opposite ropes and goes for a
springboard moonsault, but as he hits the top rope, Vertigo yanks the ropes on the outside,
causing Parker to fall forward and hit head first onto the steel guardrail. Vertigo
grabbed Parker, knocked his head again into the guardrail, then tossed him across
the announcers table. Vertigo moved in, Parker kicks him away, then BYRON shoves
Parker off the table, causing him to fall head first into the ring apron. Byron
yelled "GET OFF MY TABLE" as he did so. Vertigo followed up with a headram into
the steel steps before rolling him back into the ring.
From there the Brigade used quick tags to continue working the head (Cross noting
that they were keying in on Parker's concussion from Hot Summer Night), using
suplexes and kicks to keep Parker off balance. Good spots included a double
mafia kick by the Brigadiers, an Iconoclasm (TR reverse crucifix bomb) by Riptide,
and a moonsault DDT by the 6'11" Vertigo that got a crowd pop, but only a two count.
Finally, Riptide had TR in a Razors Edge position as Vertigo headed for the top
rope....Byron pre-called this one as their "Collection" finisher. Parker, however,
flipped backwards out of the Razors edge as Vertigo came off, forcing Vertigo to
smash Riptide down to the mat...allowing Parker to hit a Strutter Cutter on Vertigo
as he was wobbly on his feet. Parker covers both men and gets a 2 3/4 before they
both move their shoulders. Parker staggers to his feet, grabs Riptide...dropkick
sends him over the top rope. Parker then heads to the top. Vertigo is still
wobbly as he gets to his feet....MOONSAULT by Parker....one....two.....Riptide
with the save. Cross commenting that if it were a singles match, Parker would
have had it there. Riptide grabbing Parker by the hair...low blow by Parker draws
a crowd pop, Parker off the oppoiste ropes...Riptide catches Parker in a bearhug,
Vertigo stumbles to his feet....Neckbreaker/Spinebomb combo Cross notes is their
"Paydirt"....one..two..three.
*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*
* The Chaos Brigade, via pinfall, 7:09 *
*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*WINNER*
Post match, both men try to pick Parker up...twin low blow by Parker.
Each man gets Strutter Cuttered out of the ring, they try to re-enter
but Parker rolled out and grabbed a chair, forcing a mexican standoff
as they go to a commercial.