MATCH #9: "COME AS YOU AREN'T" ROYAL RUMBLE Rules are pretty basic for this one...two men start, next one out every 90 seconds, so it doesn't go forever. There are two out of ring referees...no need for an in-ring ref as the only thing that counts is a toss over the top rope. These refs are Mason Crow and Ray Chapman. Oh, *great*, pick the two refs with the most diametrically opposed refereeing outlooks. Lights go down as they introduce the first guy... ...as "Jump Around" by House of Pain comes on, and they introduce former USeW World LH Champion MICKEY SULLIVAN!!!!! EWC's talent acquisition department strikes again. His big costume idea is to dress as an Italian. OK, so it's an Italian Stallion. Yep, he's out as Rocky, right down to the "Pennzoil" ring robe. He gets into the ring, takes the gloves off (leaves the tape on the fists, but I digress) and shadowboxes a bit before waiting for the next introduction... ...and "Orion" by Metallica comes on, and Genesis walks out to the ring, accompanied by his "companion" (I guess..he doesn't look like a manager) Seth. I saw him on the Impact show a few days ago...this guy was the Hell half of USeW's Heaven and Hell (Geez, next thing you know they're gonna sign Moose-ster Rugburn), and he looks impressive, but not IMPRESSIVE (I guess I've seen one too many monsters in the ring as of late). He's wearing a big long flowing cloak and a Phantom of the Opera mask, which he takes off before entering the ring. Wow..the first few minutes of this match looked eerily like the Rocky vs. Thunderlips portion of Rocky III, as Sullivan stuck, moved, and jabbed around Genesis until he just grabbed Sullivan and gave him a complimentary drink at Club Forearm. Genesis just hammers the bejeezus out of Sullivan for about a minute. A whip to the ropes gives Sullivan a chance to duck a clothesline and nail a left that shot Genesis' head back. From there, it was pound, pound, pound, and he even backed Genesis to the corner. Sullivan stands on the second rope and piston punches Genesis a bit... *BZZZZZZT* as "Scatman" comes on and Sanders runs in to a sizable pop, wearing a construction workers outfit..complete with a shovel and a loaded tool belt. Sanders runs in just as Genesis plants Sullivan with a running spinebuster and drops the shovel right across the back of Genesis. Genesis gets up, pretty much no-selling the blow...but he doesn't no sell the second one right across the face. Sanders drops the shovel and starts working the face with forearms and a grinding headlock, until Sullivan comes to, taps Sanders on the shoulders, and pastes him with a series of lefts and rights. And I just realize that every man in that ring so far is a USeW veteran. Anyways, Sanders and Sullivan go at it in the corner..then look at each other as Genesis comes to his feet and then hit the double clothesline on the big man. *BZZZZZZT* 'Who I Used To Be' by Clint Black comes on...and a man wearing a Tumbleweed mask comes out, but he's got too much height and beef to be anything resembling Bill Curtis. It's quickly apparent that the man under the Weed mask is none other than "The Ace" Ty Kross, making his return to the EWC. He's got a branding iron with him, and he's about to light it aflame when Sitting Bull charges out of the back and axehandles Kross from behind, knocking Chapman over in the process. He then grabs the top rope to come into the ring...just as Sullivan and Sanders (Sounds like a law firm) double whip Genesis over...Genesis tumbles out backwards, and Crow says he's eliminated. Seth is protesting a storm, as Sitting Bull isn't even in the Rumble. Bull gets into the ring and starts pounding Sanders, then Sullivan, trading off on both men. Bull then grabs the smaller Sullivan and gorilla presses him over the top rope. By now, Genesis has come to, and is PISSED. He slides back into the ring, grabs Bull from behind and belly to back suplexes him out of the ring. He then climbs the ropes to the top turnbuckle and dives right onto him. Oy gevalt! They brawl all the way back to the dressing room as the back empties of referee's and officials. Meanwhile, Chapman comes to, Crow signals both Genesis and Sullivan eliminated. *BZZZZZZT* ...and the ring announcer says: "And now from Cut'n'Shoot, Texas, where the men are mean, the women are ugly, and the sheep are purty damn scared, here is.....BUMBLEWEED!" And sure enough, Terry "Hitman" Haynes comes out in ANOTHER Tumbleweed outfit. In ring, Kross is going to work on a still dazed Sanders, using kicks and forearms to back him up. Kross sends Sanders to the ropes, and Sanders leapfrogs Kross *right* into a spinning heel kick by Haynes that drops him like a stone. Haynes then comes off the ropes...right into a big boot kick by Kross. Kross, apparently *INCENSED* that someone else took his costume idea, then went to town on Haynes, grabbing the branding iron and knocking Haynes over the head with it several times. *BZZZZZZT* and out next is Zach Rierson of the Children of Apocalypse, and finally we have faces vs. heels paired off. Zach (who was only wearing a smiley mask with a bullet hole in it.. hey, it's Happy Dawson!) hits the ring and immediately starts on Simon Sanders while Haynes and Kross brawl in the corner. Zach with shots to the head, followed by a jumping DDT on Sanders. Meanwhile, Haynes gets Kross off of him temporarily with a low blow, followed by a kneelift. Haynes takes a second to "adjust" his Tumbleweed mask, then headbutts Kross a few times, leaving him reeling. Kross responds with a low blow and a fast DDT which REALLY seemed to hurt (I think he DDT'ed Haynes right ONTO whatever object was in the mask. In the other corner, Sanders had fought back a bit and was working on Rierson's arm in the corner. *BZZZZZZT* and next up is Frank Spinelli, who is dressed as an executioner, resplendent with mask, noose and axe (although the axehead obviously looked fake). Unfortunately, another whack with the branding iron stunned Haynes, and Kross had Haynes in an atomic drop position before just tossing him over the top rope..and right onto Spinelli!!! *BIG* crowd pop for that. "The Assasin", who looked miffed, took the noose and draped it over the head of Kross, who was standing near the ropes, and just yanked back, drawing *KROSS* over the top rope by the noose around the neck. Spinelli and Haynes then did a double team stompdown on Kross until Chapman forced Spinelli to enter the ring. In the last few seconds of this segment, Spinelli rolls in and saves Rierson from more punishment from Sanders by breaking the axe over the head of Sanders. *BZZZZZZT* Next up is "The Philosopher" Mikhail Tzskova, who walks out in nothing but a big black robe. Before entering the ring, he slowly pulls off his robe by outstreching his arms then pulling it off, to reveal samurai gear beneath the robe, complete with samurai mask and black wig. He is very methodical about it all, taking nearly half of the 90 second period to finally get into the ring. In-ring, Spinelli and Zach are hitting a variety of double team maneuvers on Sanders, including a combination "Switchblade" suplex/springboard moonsault. Zach then grabbed Sanders and climbed the ropes for an "Acid Drop" twisting stunner...but Spinelli lunged forward and pushed Zach off the top rope, eliminating him. Spinelli yells "DTA, ya mook!", before he himself almost gets eliminated by a Sanders clothesline...only to be rescued by Mikhail before going over. *BZZZZZZT* Now we hear the lebanese swing music that can only be the entrance for Sidi al Nassir.. only Nassir takes a longer time getting in than Tzskova did. He comes down wearing a referee shirt and dark glasses, and holding a cane and a tin cup. He starts tapping the cane along, pretending to be too blind to find the ring. *THIS* was funny as hell. Referee Ray Chapman comes over to tell Nassir to get in the ring, and Nassir sticks the cup in his face and asks for spare change! Priceless. Finally, he meanders close to the ring just as Sanders is getting a second wind on both competitors and tosses the contents of the cup....fine sand.....into the eyes of Sanders. Nassir enters the ring as Spinelli then starts laying the boots onto the back of Sanders....only to get knocked from behind by a cane clothesline! Tzskova and Nassir nail Spinelli from behind, and combine to send him over the top rope. They then both pound away on the still-blind Sanders for about 30 seconds... *BZZZZZZT* before the music of Titus Moongarden starts up, and Titus hits the ring ON FIRE. Clotheslines, clotheslines, clotheslines, sending Tzskova and Nassir on their backs several times. Meanwhile, Sanders, who is still somewhat blinded, gets up, turns TITUS around, and lays a series of HARD chops to the chest, then grabs his arm and tries for a fireman's carry...but Sanders, being somewhat blinded, only realized now how *big* his opponent was, and Moongarden just scooped him up and deposited him....gently....over the top rope. He turns around...right into a spinning backfist by Nassir, followed by another, and then ANOTHER in succession (I think I remember that as "The Whirling Dervish", according to his bio at ewc.com) that almost backs Titus over the top rope. Nassir then moves in, but Titus ducks down and then backdrops Nassir over the top rope. Nassir, frustrated as hell, slaps the mat hard as Tzskova moves in on Moongarden, and we FINALLY have the match that has been teased for weeks between these two. Fast DDT by Tzskova, followed by several stomps to the head. He picks Titus up and manages to get him into a belly to back suplex. Kick to the stomach and leg area. He picks Moongarden up, whips him to the buckles, and moves in with a severe forearm uppercut. He tries the whip again, but Moongarden reverses and Tzskova almost flair flops outside, but he lands on the apron. Tries for a slingshot something, but Moongarden catches him in a bearhug...then twists around into a belly to belly suplex. Titus rears back, waits for Tzskova to get up, and then spears him HARD into the mat to a big crowd pop.... ...followed by boos as...MIKHAIL TSZKOVA!?!?!?!?! walks out to the ramp. Folks, fast one has been pulled. Mikhail gives an "ahem" into the wireless he's carrying as Titus turns around and his jaw sinks like a stone. [Tzskova] I find it curious and distressing to see things like this. This "Halloween" and other morbid, evil, violent holidays bleed into this world the impression that it is alright to be like someone else, someone horrible. Someone violent. Someone ... evil. Like ghost, goblins, Titus's, and other creatures of the night, they all stand together, at one time or another, in that ring down there, and the mindless heathens, the unwashed non-believers in the True Word, cheer for them. I will have none of it. I wash MY hands in the purity of light, or truth and of non-violence. I will not be a part of this ... I //AM// NOT A PART OF THIS ... MATCH. Titus steps forward, flabbergasted by this....enough for "Mikhail" to come across the other side and nail what looked like a flying forearm on Titus to send him over the top, leaving "Mikhail" as the winner of the Rumble. Titus goes off after the real Tzskova, while the fake Tzskova stands center ring, accepts the check, and then takes off his mask..... ..just as "New Sensation" by INXS kicks into the speakers!!! Mask is off...CHRIS F'N SIM!!!!!! The heat in the building just went up ten degrees, even though a good portion of the crowd is chanting "WEL-COME BACK! WEL-COME BACK!!!!" Sim stands on the ropes and goads the fans for a bit, and the cameras cut to a commercial. Sim stays there for another minute before heading back. So now it's Sim vs. Parker for a shot at the World title. EWC, there's your chance for a ****+ wrestling match, if you want it. Even against the Wheel of Torture, this is a possible showstealer. I look at my watch, and it's about 10:50. This tells me that Ern vs. Curtis isn't gonna go real long. But hopefully they'll get some good stuff in. We come back on, "Helter Skelter" comes on and the place goes batshit. This is Curtis' first real appearance since the last PPV, and after two imposters, we get the real thing. And this is where my report ceases to be objective, as I'm a HUGE Curtis mark. Grendel comes out to the acoustic version of "Crazy" by Seal..only Grendel is remarkably *calm*. He rolls into the ring, takes off the World title belt, and shakes Curtis' hand. At this point, the PA system came on and this was said: [Distorted Voice] Grendel...I am giving you a final warning. Those who play with fire always get burned. At which point, an effigy figure of Grendel, wearing a CnS T-shirt, drops to about eight feet over the ring..and then goes ablaze. At this point, Grendel gets a little twitchy, and referee Gerald Riley signals for things to begin. Fast paced, crazy four minutes. Grendel and Curtis do some in ring stuff briefly, doing the criss cross the ropes bit until Ernie stops and just lays there as Bill keeps criss crossing the ring..then he stops...Ernie gets up, they look at each other....and then start the fists a flying. Roundhouse by Ern causes Bill to be able to dump him over the top rope. Curtis tries for the baseball slide DDT but Ern sidesteps it. At this point, the video wall comes on.... and it's Chris Monroe. DAMNIT! And as usual, he has something to say... (NOTE: The promos I'm transcribing from the tape of LotR from my house) -=-=-= [Monroe] Hey boys....did you honestly think I'd leave you be? Obviously not! I don't care how insane you are, but nobody's stupid enough to think that'd I'd forget about you backdoor friends. And furthermore lover boys, did you really think i would endanger my manhood by running out and taking you boys on in a two on one situation? After all, you would enjoy such an affair way too much! So instead, you're gonna be treated to a little soliloquy over the big screen....so why don't you guys pull up a chair and take a good listen to me? **NOTE: At this point, the boos are deafening** Now, Wild Bill....I tamed your sorry ass long ago, so you can just take a little nap, it's the Ernie to your Bert that I wanna talk to. Grendel, you my friend are.... -=-=-=- At this point, Sitting Bull comes out from the crowd behind them with an axehandle and plasters Curtis from behind, then takes a swing at Grendel...Grendel ducks the swing and hits a savate kick on Bull, staggering him backwards...from here, Monroe comes out from under the ring and jumps Grendel from behind, and a double team ensues. LOUD "Fue-go" chant from the crowd at this point. Curtis, seeing what's going on, grabs a chair and nails Bull, then Monroe, then Bull again. Curtis sets the chair up for a jumping move, but Bull grabs Curtis from behind and prepares to piledrive him..but ERNIE comes off of the chair into a Thesz press that knocks both him and Bull over the steel guardrail. They start brawling through the crowd, and it's at a vantage point where I have trouble seeing. Meanwhile, Monroe knocks the chair over Curtis' head, and we have a ringside brawl. About a minute later, the bright lights go dead, telling me that this is where they probably ended LotR..but things continue here. Monroe tosses Curtis into the steps, then the steel rails, as Cross and Byron leave through the crowd. Finally, Monroe tosses Curtis into the ring, and brings a chair. He sets the chair on the mat, and sets up Curtis for a tomikaze...except Curtis manages to upright himself, almost reverse-backdropping Monroe. Curtis grabs the chair, tosses it to Monroe, VAN DAMINATOR!!! *BIG* crowd pop for that one. Curtis then grabs the chair and pastes Monroe with it four times. He then signals the crowd, grabs Monroe for a vertical suplex.. then falls forward, dangling him over the top rope. The crowd was charged, Curtis from the other ropes...SUNSET BOMB THROUGH THE VACANT ANNOUNCERS TABLE!!! The live crowd LOST it. After 30 seconds, Curtis was up, and slid into the ring as "Helter Skelter" started again and the crowd went nuts. He got on each of the turnbuckles and gave everyone a photo op...then saw that Monroe had staggered to his feet. He jumped off the buckle to the mat..and then did the run into the baseball slide DDT on Monroe and the crowd got even louder!!!! Monroe was out cold as Curtis got up, saluted the crowd, and did high fives and such around ringside as Matthews was saying goodnight to the crowd. All in all, a fun show, even with the screwjobs, and I was jazzed that they went with Curtis for the whole "send the fans home happy" postshow bit. Next time they show in State College, I'm there. Until that time, this is Shawn saying so long, everybody.