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presents
(The opening strains of "Mars, the Bringer of War" from Gostav
Holst's "The Planets" begins to build as the screen fades into
a medieval castle....as two knights in silver armor walk into
the arena hall as the lords and ladies of the realm sit and
watch them prepare to do combat. The camera pans across the
shining silver armor and ornate swords, and we see reflections
of such stars as Fuego, Ernie Grendel, Chris Sim, Bill Curtis,
Torvald Reikkersen, and finally Roker Showtime in action in
the reflections off the armor. Finally, both men charge at
each other, and as the swords clash, they shatter, with the
pieces swirling around and coming together into the words...)
dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP .aMMMb
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"VMP
dMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP
dMP dMP.dMP.dMP dMP.aMP
dMMMMMP VMMMPVMMP" VMMMP"
dMP .aMMMb dMMMMb dMMMMb .dMMMb .aMMMb dMMMMMP
dMP dMP"dMP dMP.dMP dMP VMP dMP" VP dMP"dMP dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP VMMMb dMP dMP dMMMP
dMP dMP.aMP dMP"AMF dMP.aMP dP .dMP dMP.aMP dMP
dMMMMMP VMMMP" dMP dMP dMMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMP
dMMMMMMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMMMMb dMP dMMMMb .aMMMMP
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP amr dMP dMP dMP"
dMP dMMMMMP dMMMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP dMP dMP MMP"
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"AMF dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP VMMMP"
(The image shatters into the image of an arena with enough
people to at least make it seem like it's filled to capacity.
Signs are zoomed in and out as the crowd cheers like there's
no tomorrow)
Graphic: Madison Square Garden, New York, NY
(Signs such as "Welcome Home, Roker", "Fuego's Gonna KILL YOU!!",
"Where's DQ Donaldson?" and "Merry Christmas, Danica" are shown
in the arena as the crowd continues to cheer)
Cross: Fans, LIVE FROM NEW YORK, it's CHRISTMAS NIGHT! And
the Electronic Wrestling Council is BACK IN BUSINESS!!!
I'm Issac Cross, and joining me here at the broadcast
table..
Caption: Isaac Cross Vanessa Stone
is color commentator Vanessa Stone, and fans, we hope
all of you watching here on the WB across America
and the world are having a very Merry Christmas.
Stone: Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. I'm certain all the trailer-park
morons watching at home are having indigestion from
adding 10 more pounds to their already bloated bodies
and don't want to hear Merry Christmas from you, chrome
dome. What they want to hear is who's gonna get their
head handed to them tonight.
Cross: Fans, by the end of tonight, we will crown a new
EWC World Heavyweight Champion, as eight men enter
tonight. We've got a first round
(Cross is interrupted by the opening guitar chords of "Love
Rollercoaster" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers)
Cross: What th..
Stone: Oh jeez, not HIM......
(As the chorus kicks in, the lights flash and the Jumbotron
flashes the word "Yeeeessssss" as none other than "Sweet"
Jimmy Lowe walks through the EWC curtain and makes his way down
to ringside. Some of the fans boo loudly, but everyone who's
been watching USeW television lately (what there's been of it)
pops hard as Jimmy, dressed in pinstripe suit and santa hat,
hits the ring and does the grind briefly for the fans..before
stepping out the other side and taking the third seat at the
broadcast booth)
Cross: "Sweet" Jimmy Lowe has apparently joined us here at
ringside..Jimmy, how was your holidays?
Lowe: Holidays were swank as always, Isaac..was in the Big
Apple visiting some friends over the holidays...
Stone: You have friends?
Lowe: ..and I owed your big boss a favor, so I came in to
add my own perspective on this, your first show,
and to wish everyone a Merry CHristmas. *Looks at
Stone* And speaking of ho, ho, ho.......
Stone: Don't start with me, Jimmy, unless you want your
chestnuts roasting on an open fire..
Cross: Can we get to the show? Fans, as we note that EWC
owner Armand LeBeaux heads to the ring, let me remind
you that we've got four first round matches tonight
for the tournament, plus that *big* Tag Team Chicago
Street Fight between e-wrestling legends Murder, Inc.
and hardcore legends Beyond Our Control.
Lowe: And then we've got that big Battle Royal to determine
the North American championship, and you know that
battle royals are always very physical encounters.
Cross: And tonights main event will feature a four way
Nightmare Before Christmas match, where the winner
gets his Christmas wish, while the man who is pinned or
submits will have his nightmare take place! And I
can only imagine what kind of wish that gorgeous hunk
of Swedish White Chocolate, Torvald Reikkersen, can
have when he takes the gold.
Lowe: Honey, who you teasin? That Swedish Meatball couldn't
even go 15 minutes in the ring with either myself or
the man who is the odds-on favorite to take it all, and
that would be *FORMER* EWC World champ Roker Showtime,
the man himself!
Cross: All the competitors in the tournament are world class
athletes, most have tasted championship gold before,
and every single one is a consummate athlete. But it seems
like Armand is trying to address the crowd, lets hear
what he's got to say...
(Armand LeBeaux, wearing a black suit, has the mike in the ring)
[LeBeaux]
Good evening, folks, and welcome to the return of the Electronic
Wrestling Council!!!
(Decent crowd pop, more for anticipating the action than anything
else)
Now folks, unlike other owners out dere, I'm not gon' stick around
and talk at you too much...that's what I pay those 3 for. But
I did want to introduce to you the person who will be governing the
EWC as it's commisioner.
[VO]
Stone: Oh god, PLEASE let it not be John Riker. I've had
enough of that hillbilly for one lifetime.
Lowe: Actually, I did see Riker in the back, but he
wasn't dressed to be an *official*, per se..
Stone: WHAT?!!?
It's been awhile since we've seen this person in the public eye,
but I assure you that that does not diminish their qualifications
one bit. This person knows the rules and regulations of the
EWC inside and out, and will make a fine official. Ladies and
Gentlemen, the COMMISIONER of the EWC.....
Ms. TARA JANSEN!
Stone: WHHHAATT!?!?!?
("Invincible" by Pat Benatar comes on as Jansen, dressed in a
white blouse, red vest, and black miniskirt walks the aisle..
even after all this time, she still looks hot)
Cross: Ladies and Gentlemen, the former manager of Derek
Machismo, our new commisioner?!?!?!
Lowe: I'm not entirely sure that this is a good idea...
this promotion has had a brutal history of not
being very kind to it's commisioners...she could
get smacked up by someone and that'll be it.
Stone: Well, I'd *like* to say she can take care of herself,
but lets face it...she was a powderpuff when you
tried to lay the moves on her...
Lowe: Don't go there...
Stone: ...And I'm betting she's a powderpuff now.
[Jansen]
Hell--lOOOOOO EWC!
(Crowd pop, this time mainly from the males)
I'm gonna keep this short...I just want to put everyone on notice.
I plan to be a fair commisioner...call it down the middle, all of
that. However, don't cross me, don't *bleep* me off, and
don't ever underestimate me because I'm a woman. As the former
owner of the EWC learned so long ago, I try to be a saint,
but I haven't forgotten sin...*twirls around, showing off her
outfit, to a huge pop*...as you can see. Just remember that,
everyone in the EWC....and with that...let's go to our ring
announcer, Alison Carrere-Matthews, for the opening bout!
*DING DING DING*
Lowe: Geez, we've got a female commisioner, a female
ring announcer, and a female colorperson..
next thing you're gonna tell me that Massengill
is a sponsor.
Cross: Actually, for this segment we're sponsored by
Mentos' Candies.
Lowe: Hey, same difference, both products can be called...
the FRESHMAKER! YYyeeesssssss..
Cross: That's it, I'm gonna kill him now...
[Matthews]
"This match is a first round EWC World title contest scheduled for
one fall with a 20 minute time limit. ("The Immigrant Song"
by Led Zeppelin comes on) First, accompanied to the ring by
Frieda and the Swedish Blond of the Week...he hails from the
Land of Ice and Snow..weighing 254 lbs...he is "The Icebreaker"...
TOR-vald....REIK-KER-SEN!!!!!!!!"
Cross: And Reikkersen, the former IeWS World Champion,
is accompanied by two...well, his two elves,
so to speak.
Lowe: Those are nice outfits that the elves are almost
wearing...
Cross: And "The Icebreaker" apparently is in a giving mood
tonight, dressed in a glittering Santa robe and
handing out videotapes and t-shirts advertising
his new direct-to-video movie, Frozen Hell IV
Stone: What do you mean, direct-to-video. That's an
insult to the sexiest man in pro-wrestling! He
rush-released that film in time for this years
Academy Awards!
Cross: Well, Torvald gave a t-shirt to a comely lass
in the 3rd row, but for the most part has just
been taking things out of the bag and putting them
back in.
Lowe: Hey, don't talk about Frieda that way...even
frigid women have feelings.
Stone: Jimmy!!!
Lowe: Hey, they're from the Nordic countries..I meant
that they were cold!!
[Matthews]
"And his opponent...("Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction plays and the
crowd pops)...from Cut and Shoot, TX...weighing in at 227 lbs...
here is BILL...CURTIS!!!!
(Curtis bolts down to ringside, slapping the hands of a few fans)
Cross: And we have these pre-match words from Mr. Curtis
himself...along with a couple of friends...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[Scene: a hot tub in an otherwise non-descript gym. The tub appears
to be empty.]
[Cameraman]
*talking to himself* Ooo-kay, they send me here to tape an interview,
don't even tell me who it is I'm supposed to be meeting, and now no
one is ...
[The cameraman is interrupted by Bill Curtis suddenly popping his head
above the water.]
[Curtis]
Ok, last time I fall asleep in one of these things. *notices the
cameraman* Hey, glad you could make it. C'mon in, the water's fine.
[Cameraman]
Uh, thanks but no thanks. They just sent me to get your thoughts on
the EWC world title tournament.
[Curtis]
Ah, straight and to the point. I like that. Ok ... let's see, I'm
facing this Reikkersen guy. Don't know much about him as a wrestler,
but he's a damn fine actor. If I beat him, I move to the Nightmare 4
Way. There, I can face guys like Roker Showtime - a legend, though
whether it's in his own mind or own time I'm not sure. Guys like
Chris Sim - ok, the kid's got some cool looking moves, but with that
mouth of his I really hope he's faster than he was, 'cause he's gonna
end up doing a lot of running away in fear. Plus, he's /CANADIAN/
*shudders*. Guys like my old pal Mark Anthony - MARK, COME HOME MARK!
I FORGIVE YOU MARK. *ahem* Guys like my pal Ernie Grendel.
See, there's a big difference between me and just about everyone else
in this thing - well, except for Ernie. They all care. We don't.
Yeah, the title would be nice. Don't really need a belt though, as my
pants stay up just fine. All I know is I was getting tired of getting
dropped on my head over in Total Japan Wrestling, so I figure it was
time to come over here and get dropped on my head for awhile.
[From off-camera comes the sound of a door opening and slamming
followed by a familiar voice.]
[Voice]
Hey, Bill, I'm back...and guess what followed me home...can we keep him?
["Excitable Boy" Ernie Grendel and "Crazy" Jay Gillette enter from the back of
the gym and both grin upon seeing Curtis in the hot tub before charging over
howling and screaming to both cannonball into the tub, spraying water everywhere
and drenching the camera with water. As Grendel surfaces and begins to talk,
Jay climbs out and begins to shake himself dry like a dog. The camera lens is
still too covered with water to give a clear picture, but Grendel and the camera
man can both be heard speaking at the same time.]
[Grendel]
*to Curtis* You'll never guess who I ran into walking their dog in the park and
brought back to...
[Cameraman]
*to Gillette* Hey, watch where you're spraying all that...
[Just as a third, large, shadowed, and water-blurred figure enters the gym, Gillette's
energetic shaking bumps him into the cameraman and knocks the camera to the floor with
a loud crash, ending the picture feed]
[Curtis and Grendel]
BAD DOG!!!
[Gillette]
*whine, whimper, whine*
[end tape]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stone: Oh....my....god.....
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
A camera shot right before the lockup closes in on Reikkersen,
who says "Good things come from the North, baby!" as he is
disrobed by his two elven assistants. The bell rings, and
Torvald waves Curtis off for a second, and poses for the fans.
who of course boo such nasty heelish actions. =) Curtis then mimics
the pose comically to get a good laugh. Curtis then tried to lock
up with Torvald, but Reikkersen backs off and sticks his head
outside the ropes. Curtis tries again, but this time Reikkersen
rolls out of the ring completely, to the mild consternation of
Curtis.
[VO]
Cross: And Reikkersen playing the stall game he was
famous for in the IeWS, as Reikkersen now
consulting with one of the blond beauties
outside the ri....BASEBALL SLIDE BY CURTIS!!!
Lowe: And that caught Torvie right in the back of
the head and almost sends him into the first row.
Cross: And Curtis not losing an ounce of that devil-may
care attitude of his....goes for a shot to the
face of Torvald, and now whips him to the post..
BAM!
Stone: Ok, Emeril, don't get so damn excited. Curtis
has the advantage right now...but he doesn't
keep it..low blow by Reikkersen, followed by
a kneelift..and the Nordic Superman has the
match back under control.
Cross: And refere Wayne Winans not even trying to keep
match order at this point, let alone lay a
countout...and Reikkersen grabs that big Santa
sack of his and brings it down *hard* onto
the head of Bill Curtis.
Lowe: That's not a good thing, Cross...I remember at
the Footbrawl a year or so ago that Curtis
really got his head knocked open..that's sure
to be a tender spot.
Cross: And Reikkersen back in the ring now, and he's
doing more "action hero" poses...this guy is
so damn full of himself.
Stone: Well, his trunks sure look full of SOME-thing...
Curtis rolled back into the ring and sent a couple of shots
to the midsection of Reikkersen, but Reikkersen with a boot
to the..ahem...lower abdomen, also ignored by the referee.
Torvald then took his cue from this and stomped down on Curtis
mercilessly, targeting his legs mainly but giving an overall
kickdown of Bill. He then chokes Bill on the bottom rope as
Frieda attempts to offer Winans a free T-shirt. Reikkersen
picks Curtis up and hits a snap suplex, then goes into the
figure four.
Cross: And so far the smaller Curtis and his high-flying
style has been effectively countered by
Reikkersen.
Stone: Isaac, Torvald is *the man*, no question. He's
picking apart the Wrestler Formerly Known as
Tumbleweak like the bones of today's Christmas
turkey!
Lowe: Wait up here....Curtis is struggling, trying to
turn Reikkersen over...I'll laugh my ass off if
he pulls this off...
Cross: Curtis reverses!!! Curtis reversed the figure
four, and now Reikkersen grabbing for the ropes,
and he gets there!
Lowe: BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHH!!!! *serious* told you I'd laugh.
Reikkersen was the first to his feet, but as he advanced, Curtis
got a shot into the midsection, then a forearm..then a forearm
below the belt as referee Winans was looking the wrong way
again. Curtis then came off the opposite ropes and hits a
spinwheel kick on Reikkersen, sending the "Icebreaker" back
into the corner.
Cross: and Icebreaker reeling at the moment, and he steps
outside of the ring...and Curtis in motion..
Lowe: Holy...Face first baseball slide into a SWINGING
DDT TO THE CONCRETE!!!! *first LOUD crowd pop of the
night* That was SWANK!!!! He just grabbed Reikkersen's
head on the way out of the ring, I *cannot* believe
that!!!
Stone: That was suicidal! Curtis always has been a nutjob,
and nothings changed!
Curtis rolls back into the ring, and it was a good thing that the
ref was being really slow in counting out, or Reikkersen would have
been, he was outside the ring for a good solid 30 seconds before
rolling under the bottom rope. Curtis met him with a kneedrop
to the face, then picked him up and sent him to the ropes for
a *wicked* leg lariat.
Cross: Amazing match so far from Curtis, who took everything
Reikkersen had....he's got Torvald's head right now..
and runs to the ropes and springboards..flips over
into a bulldog!
Lowe: And Curtis now heading for the top rope, I think he's
sensing some Swedish Meatball for dinner.
Cross: Curtis on the top..this could be his "Roundup"
Sommersault Legdriver DDT...Reikkersen lunges
for the ropes, and Curtis crotches himself on the
top turnbuckle!
Stone: And Reikkersen moving in.."ICEBREAKER" NECKBREAKER
on Curtis, yanking him off the top rope!! What a
sense of awareness for Reikkersen!!!
Cross: Winans there for the cover...one..two..three!!!
And Curtis was only momentarily stunned, but that
was enough for Reikkersen to advance.
###############################################
#WINNER: Torvald Reikkersen, by pinfall, 12:15#
###############################################
Lowe: And Curtis not quite done yet..dropkick, and
Reikkersen's dangling over the ropes...
WHIP ASS!!!!
Cross: Curtis with a sunset flip powerbomb, catching
Reikersen over the ropes and right through
a wooden chair at ringside!! That HAS to hurt!!
Stone: OK, lets see how fair Ms. Jansen is in all of
this. That was a blatant attempt to injure
Torvald so he won't be at his best later on..
Lowe: Oh, this is rich...this is *SO* rich...Curtis
just tossed the santa sack out to the fans,
and now everyone's getting videos and t-shirts
of Frozen Hell, courtesy of Bill Curtis. TOO
funny!!
Cross: Fans, we have to take a commercial break, WHEN WE
COME BACK, ROKER SHOWTIME vs. CHRISTOPHER MONROE!