Cross: We are back, ladies and gentlemen, and while we were at
break, something very odd occured in the arena..we
captured it on tape, let's go to that videotape now.
Lowe: I want to know what recreational drugs whoever did this
was on...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(The house lights start to flicker and after a few seconds go out completely. Immediately
loud thunder and lightening can be heard over the house speakers before heavy marching
footsteps, like an army marching to war, drown it out. The marching continues for another
few seconds until a booming, similar to Winston Churchill's, voice comes over the speakers.)
[Voice]
"Time....time is an illusion, as is pain. But through time pain can be
healed and understanding can be won. A new era is upon us. An era of
brutality and violence, but also an era of understanding and clarity.
In this epoch an army will arise, an army of darkness.
Can you steel your will to walk among the shadows?
For doing so will surely lead you to the light.
Violence....
Bloodshed....
Terror....
Truth....
We are legion! Stand fast, the Dark Angel is upon us......"
(With that said, the marching gets really loud for a few seconds before a HUGE
thunderclap booms from the speakers and the arena lights come back on.)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cross: A very disturbing sequence, but what can it mean?
Stone: Well, just looking at some of your much vaunted
history of the AWA/KWF/ECWF/whatever it was called when
it went bankrupt that we saw earlier...we know of
the Slayer, a former EWC wrestler and organizer/defacto
leader of the 6 Fingered Hand when Joshua Collins left.
We know of Sebastian Sloan, who was Collins'
lieutentant and who, in his last public appearance,
ravaged the Slayer in the center of the ring before
disappearing. It could be either of those gentlemen.
Lowe: Or it could be both, they could have settled their
differences and decided forming the Six Fingered Hand
would be beneficial, and if *that's* the case, you're
looking at some sleepless night for the superstars of
the EWC...hell, you could be looking at a jihad right
here.
Cross: With both men in the North American Championship Battle
Royal later tonight, *anything* can happen, and
speaking of that battle royal, we've got some words
now from another of the entrants, one Happy Dawson.
Stone: Oh god, you mean that doof with the ugly mask from
ECWF? I can't *believe* that LeBeaux hired *him*...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(The camera opens in one of the EWC locker rooms. As the camera pans
around, it stops at a bench where a man wearing a sleeveless EWC t-shirt,
blue jean shorts and wrestling boots sits. The camera pans up and focuses
in on the bright yellow smiley-face mask, then pans out to get a full view of
Happy Dawson.)
[Happy]
Six months ago I was sitting in a locker room very much like this one...going on
about how it's every wrestling fan's dream to lace up the boots and get in the
ring with people you have cheered and booed for years. That was in the ECWF...
where guys like Ernie Grendel and Fuego dazzled crowds in high school gyms and
low lifes like Doug Carr and Billy MacIntosh made them want to puke.
(Happy adjusts a knee pad, then looks at the camera.)
[Happy]
During my brief time in the ECWF, I stuck my nose in something that
was none of my business and I have to say... it feel pretty good making
life a living hell for MacIntosh and his Brat Pack.
(Happy adjusts his other knee pad and looks up again.)
[Happy]
Well that was the ECWF and THIS is the EWC... the grand daddy of
all wrestling organizations. Tonight I walk the isle in search of my first title.
Now I'm sure there are a lot of guys are in the same situation I am, and I may not
win the North American, but this match is kinda right up my alley. You see... when
I was in the ECWF, I didn't have anyone watching my back. I didn't have anyone
giving me advise on how to be the best wrestler I can be. Well now I do and it
feels pretty good. So tonight I get a chance to showcase what the stronger,
faster and smarter Happy Dawson can do. And if you people have any doubts,
take a look at the locker of the man who has me on the right track.
(Happy Dawson stands up and walks out of the locker room as the
camera focuses on the locker that has "Showtime" on it, then fades out.)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stone: Oh, man, I can't *believe* this. It feels like
every promo being cut is an advertisement for
Roker Egotime. What's next, a tickertape parade
down Disney MGM Studios?
Cross: Vanessa, I think you're overreacting to this a bit.
Roker is one of the superstars of this sport, and
quite naturally, having him in this federation,
and having the international star power that he
carries, is a very big thing. I just don't believe
your blatant accusations of favoritism you're levelling
against Showtime.
("New Sensation" by INXS comes on as red maple leafs dot the entryway and
the video screen shows shots of Chris Sim's past matches as
Sim starts walking down the aisle)
Stone: Look, all I know is that ever since I was hired here
to do commentary, it's been Roker this and Showtime
that and he's the favorite to win...if he's so good,
let him win on his own merits. Why not give Fuego
the bye..
Lowe: Because Fuego, for all his bravado and all of his
reputation, has never shown any success except in an indy fed.
Hell, the last time he was in EWC, the only reason he
got *anywhere* was because of favoritism by the EWC.
If Roker is getting an extra break here and there,
what can you do? It'll all balance out.
(Chris Sim strides out from back with his arms already crossed above
his head, from his arms hang a Canadian flag worn as a cape. As he
enters the ring he pauses and swings his arms to his sides and turns around
backwards arms extended giving us a perfect shot of the Canadian flag, just as
fireworks go off forming a red X above his head.)
Cross: And we're getting the EWC's first look at "Canadian
Sensation" Chris Sim..and Sim facing the "Excitable
Boy" Ernie Grendel in what has to have been one of the
most anticipated matches of the evening.
Stone: And Sim showing a great deal of pride in his home
country, wearing the colors of Canada.
Lowe: Great...he shares a country of origin with the Hosers
and Jerry Straite...in fact, speaking of Straite,
Sim's got a microphone...anybody got a Snickers bar?
(Sim just stands there for a couple of seconds before turning around and flexing for
the crowd. This is the point at which the camera catches the mic in his hand for the
first time. Sim smirks before he begins to talk.)
[Sim]
Ern, Ern, Ern. Where are you, Ern? Now Ern, I know you want to get
down to business and attempt to ... well, do things to me that isn't
suitable to say on television.
*CROWD POP*
But, I think we both know that, that isn't about to happen now is it?
So being the kind, generous, and of course caring person that I am.
Hey, i'm Canadian, it's a given! Like I was saying, since i'm so
kind, I am willing to let you walk away from this match.
*BOOOOO*
Now of course this may give me a slight advantage in the main event,
and make you lose your shot at the EWC title but Ern, come on, is it
really worth risking your neck over a little piece of metal? Besides
I don't really think gold is your colour, I can't say it looks all
that good on you. But it's what's in for the winter and the one
colour I can't get enough of, and as every woman in this arena knows
any colour looks good on me!
(Sim of course takes this opporunity to stop talking for a moment
and pose for the fans.)
Now, Ern, if you happen to recall how he left the ring last time we
had a match walking away isn't such a bad idea. Hmmmm, I remember it
like it was yesterday.
(Sim begins to stroke his chin a la David Letterman, as the video wall
changes scenes ...)
and i'm sure you remember it like it was yesterday too Ern, but for
those who don't just watch the screen.
---------------------CLIP-----------------------------
[CAPTION: from ECWF Festival of Pain, now available on videotape]
[Joshua Mendyke]
And Sim sets the already bent steel chair on top of Ernie's
chest. And Sim climbing to the top rope again ... this could be ugly
...
[Dr. Anthony Strange]
Sim launches from the top rope ... VADERBOMB THROUGH THE TABLE
... and Ernie was sandwiched between the table and the steel chair!!!
Security and paramedics now down there but the damage has been done.
And Sim raises his hands in victory!
(BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!)
JM: Well, in terms of win-loss record, Sim hasn't won this match..but
he didn't lose either. And I have to wonder if Sim's purpose in this
match was for more than to have Ernie wrestle an extra match.
DrS: I wouldn't put it past Sim at this point ... I thought he was an
honorable athlete based on his past, but up this close he looks like a
hired thug to me ... and if anyone knows hired thugs, it would be me.
JM: Regardless, the first big question of the evening ... will
Grendel be able to meet the bell for his challenge to the ECWF LH title?
------------------------------------------------------
Oooooooooh, that looked like it hurt. Damn. So what is it Grendel,
walk away now, or be strechered out later?
(Sim looks down the aisle for an answer...only to have the video screen suddenly come
on with a jump-cut montage of Ernie Grendel vs. Chris Sim in their first and only match
in the NEWF - Ernie being put through the table is shown about six times in rapid
succession, complete with full sound. The screen goes blank, and Ernie Grendel can be
heard over the PA.)
[Ernie]
[very very calmly...] Chris Sim. Canadian Sensation. After you messed up my neck, I
had a lot of time to think over the past couple of months
about what I would give you in return for giving me so much time on
the shelf. So, here's your Christmas present - I'm going to give you
the match of your lifetime. Set your VCRs, folks... Let's get crazy.
(An explosion blows in front of the doorway, as the sounds of
"Crazy" by Seal comes up on the PA. Cue crowd frenzy. Ernie comes down the aisle with
a odd little smile on his face - what all you can see past the hair. Stopping at the
head of the ramp, he throws hishead back...and does the Anthony Kiedis hair mosh
10 times, with fireworks going off each time the hair snaps down. He then calmly
strides down the aisle)
Cross: I can't hear myself think..the crowd is absolutely
electric on this one.
Lowe: And Sim looks like someone urinated in his pint of
Molson! I think he's a little miffed that Ernie
interrupted his little tirade.
Cross: Ernie Grendel now in the ring...and special enforcer
referee John Riker
Stone: How corrupt is this fed? Hiring former
commisioners as referees? This match won't be
*too* swayed in Grendel's favor...
Lowe: Damn, woman, you whine like my ex-wife when she's
dieting. Either commentate the matches or SHUT...
UP...
Stone: Look, I'm a full-time employee and you're not, so
if I wanna b*bleep*h, and you don't wanna hear it, go
back to the land of AWI rejects and steroid-induced
Norman Bates wannabes. Tell me, Jimmy, how much
Viagra do you go through in a calendar month?
Cross: THE BELL HAS rung, and both men now in a collar and
elbow tie up, and Grendel with a very nice amateur
style takedown...moves and countermoves all over the
place here, and Grendel with a hammerlock on Sim
before Sim slides out.
Lowe: And Sim looking a little odd in there..I think he
was expecting Ern to have a little more...energy
in there.
Cross: They've tied up again...Ernie through the legs
pulling SIM DOWN INTO PINNING POSITION!! ONE..TWO..
two count only, as Ernie rolls to his feet...
Stone: And he's smiling. I'm scared already. Ernie *never*
smiles.
Cross: And Sim starting to look a little frustrated. They
tie up again, and Sim rolling behind into a hammerlock,
Grendel trying to escape, and he makes it to the
turnbuckles...and walks up them, FLIPS OVER SIM..
and pushes him in into a BACK ROLLUP...ONE....TWO...
and another kickout, Sim's up and CHARGES AT GRENDEL!
Lowe: Grendel ducks the clothesline, and hits a legtrip
as Sim comes in, and Grendel applying an anklelock
now.
Stone: This is disturbing...where are the planchas? Where
are the psycho moves? I feel like I'm watching a
Barry Bromowitz match...from the era where Barry
was a prelim bum, of course...
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
This went on for a couple more minutes, with Grendel for the most
part keeping control scientifically. Sim got the advantage for a couple short
bursts with forearm uppercuts and an ugly kneesmash to
the back, but Grendel for the most part kept control, hitting a
flurry of headbutts to send Sim reeling to the ropes, then
jumping suddenly to the side ropes and hitting a huracanrana that
sends Sim over the top rope to a big crowd pop. Like a cat
Ernie heads for the top turnbuckle and tries for a springboard
450 splash..
Cross: And Grendel starting to heat up..off the top rope
Springboard 450...OWWW!!!
Lowe: SWANK! Sim drops back and onto one knee, and
Grendel gutbusters himself from about 10 feet
up!! That *had* to hurt.
Stone: And Sim proving exactly why he's the "Canadian
Senasation"...he waited a solid SIX MINUTES for
that one opportunity, took the best that Grendel
could dish, and re-took control in *one* move.
After about 30 seconds where both men caught their breath, Sim grabbed
Grendel and hit a European Piledriver on the concrete floor that had
many fans gasping, knowing what happened the last time. Sim then
went to the apron and went for the hipbuster elbow, only to have
Grendel move out of the way just in the nick of time. This wasn't
enough to regain momentum, as Sim got up first and tossed him into
the ring before climbing to the apron.
Stone: And Sim grabbing the top ropes...slingshots in..
legdrop. And a cover by Sim..one...two..DAMNIT,
almost had him.
Cross: Sim grabbing Grendel now from behind, into a
cobrahold...and turning it into the cobra clutch
suplex! And Sim heading for the top once again.
Lowe: Sim's a flyer, just like Grendel, but I have to
wonder if he's trying too *hard* to outdo Grendel
in the air..he has him down, and there's *tons*
of high-impact stuff he can do from the ground.
Cross: It's not occuring to Sim at the moment...he's on the
top...and GRENDEL LUNGES at the ropes, and Sim is
spreadeagled on the top rope.
Lowe: OOooohhhhh..
Stone: Oooowwwwww....
Cross: Grendel from the other end of the ring....running..
and jumps over Sim..
Lowe: WHIP ASS! Ern grabbed Sim on the way down in a
neckbreaker, and CRACKED Sim's head on the steel
post!!!! And Sim's eyes just turned backwards!
Grendel didn't stop there..as he climbed back onto the ropes and
hit a swinging DDT on Sim to bring him down. Grendel then got
to his feet and did the hair mosh to a *loud* crowd pop. Grendel
picked Sim up, Sim with a knee to the gut, Grendel with a dragon
screw legwhip...then another...then a THIRD...to the point where
Sim *had* to roll out of the ring to catch a breath. He limped
over to the guardrail, turned around...and caught a *breathtaking*
Springboard Shooting Star *over* the guardrail from Grendel! This
stopped both men for a solid minute (during which Jimmy used the
word "Swank" six times), and caused a portion of the crowd to chant "FLY,
GRENDEL, FLY", a chant that caught on after a bit.
Cross: And Grendel now finally up, and tosses Sim over
the guardrail...Sim looks *really* out of it.
Stone: And this, and I *HATE* admitting this, is the
danger in facing someone like Grendel. His whole
goal in life is to hit a move or have a match crazier
than the last, and that's why this man is among the
most dangerous opponents in e-wrestling.
Both men get into the ring, and Sim actually offers a handshake to
Grendel....to which Grendel moshes his hair some more, giving
Sim a chance to low blow Grendel. Riker *really* gets into Sim's
face for that one, but the "Canadian Sensation" shrugs him off.
He picks Ernie up and hits a series of three rolling German Suplex
before bridging the last one for a *near* 3 count pin. Chris
then gets to his feet and crosses his arms..
Lowe: That's the signal for the Crosshairs!
Cross: And Sim is *still* woozy from that shooting star
press to the outside, is a little slow in setting
it up....he sends Ernie to the ropes, bounces off
the other side...GRENDEL DUCKS!!!!
Lowe: Sim sailing right *over* Ernie and right into John
Riker! Ref is down!
Stone: And this is Sim's opportunity! But he's face down
on the mat.
Cross: Ernie heading to the top rope.....we could be
seeing the skytwister press here...and Sim to
his feet and HE TOSSES POWDER INTO THE EYES
OF ERNIE GRENDEL!!!!
Lowe: Desperation move there by Sim, as he managed to
get that off without the referee seeing, and
Ernie falls to the outside.
Cross: And Sim trying to get the referee back on his
feet....and Bill Curtis just headed to ringside.
Stone: Oh now wait a minute, he lost his match, what's
he doing out here?!?!?
Cross: Bill sees the powder...and he just grabbed a water
bottle from a nearby fan...takes a drink..and squirts
it into the eyes of Grendel!!! Grendel shaking off
the powder, and now Curtis tossing Grendel back into
the ring before taking off.
Stone: Meanwhile, Riker conveniently off in la-la land..
Lowe: Actually, he was talking to Sim...now Sim moving in
on Ernie...and SMALL PACKAGE OUT OF NOWHERE!!! ONE..
TWO...THREE!!!!!!!
*DING DING DING* (crowd pop to the stars!!!!!)
Cross: Grendel pulling off what many believe to be an
upset here, and he's gonna face Roker, Fuego,
and Reikkersen in the final four!!!
###########################################
#WINNER: Ernie Grendel, by pinfall 14:10#
###########################################
Stone: And Sim is *irate* as well he should be...and he's
going after Grendel! PLANCHA through the ropes
onto Grendel, and he's on the concrete!
Lowe: And now he's rolling over Ernie...and drops the
steel chair on top of him. He's gonna try and
injure him again!!!
Stone: YES!!! Sim climbing to the top rope...this could
be ugly!
*CROWD POP*
Cross: AND HERE COMES THE CALVARY!!!! BILL CURTIS AND
"CRAZY" JAY GILLETTE are out, Curtis grabs the
steel chair!
Lowe: And he's ready to do a Mark McGwire on Sim..Sim
standing on the top rope...BWAH HAHAHAH, Gillette
is barking at him..and he lifts his leg in Sim's
direction.
Stone: PLANCHA THE WHOLE LOT OF THEM, SIM!!!!!
Cross: Not this time, federation officials are down there
seperating all parties, and whether Sim likes it
or not, Grendel's in the final four. Fans, we will
return after this!