[We fade in to what appears to be a clearing in a forest, it is the dead of night, and
the harsh hand of winter is obvious as dying trees and frost fill our view--lit only by
a fire burning off to the side of the screen. As the camera pans right, we can make out
the sillouette of a mammoth figure, dressed all in black, his breath clearly visible in
the cold air. It is Sebastian Sloan.]
[Sloan]
I am terribly sorry to interrupt you during this important time of year. However, in
this period of good will towards men, of peace and harmony, and of doing what is right
I must turn all of your attention to the presence of a horrific force in our society.
When I was training in the missionary and first learning the ways of the messiah,
I was warned about a great evil. I was told there was an entity that bred hatred
and contempt, that preached greed and embraced sins of the flesh. There was one
power that sought to corrupt the very core of our souls and prevent us from being
one with the true eternal power. I thought, no I prayed, that it was but a
myth--unfortunately for all of us I was wrong.
This force has risen again from its fiery grave. It has positioned itself to
inflict pain, to cause harm to your children, and to feast on the misery of others.
It is for this reason that I am here. All of my years of work, my soujerns and my
devotion to the only proper power have given me the strength and conviction to
stand up for the good people of our society. All I ask from you is that you include
me in your nightly prayers. In turn, I promise to enlighten the misguided and rid
you of any terror. My name is Sebastian Sloan and I have come to protect you from
the devil...I am here to vanquish the members of the EWC. May you all have a
happy holiday--blessings and love for all.
[as the camera pulls back we can make out the gutted carcass of a reindeer at Sloan's
feet, with a sadistic grin and a glean in his eye, he plunges his hand into its
body and pulls out its heart...]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stone: I think I'm gonna barf....
Lowe: Heh...nice to know he hasn't changed much.
Cross: An utterly sadistic human being who unfortunately now
finds himself with the EWC. Fans, if you just joined
us, you've missed quite the border war, as Murder,
Inc. completely submarined Beyond Our Control.
Stone: That's right, they out-hardcored the hardcore masters
and left Gerry Cannon lying in his own drool.
I absolutely loved it.
Lowe: Hardly...about two minutes after we went off for the
commercial, Baen and Shrapnel were up and around and
Gerry was conscious and on his feet. I think Murder
Inc have a much-inflated opinion of their ability
to withstand punishment...BOC may very well be
living up to their names.
Cross: Fans, we're about ready to start the Battle Royal,
but before we go, we've got these words from a man
named Jon Owens.
Stone: Who?
Lowe: You know, the mailman dude...
Stone: Oh...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[Scene - the locker room area. Seated on a bench is a rather large
man wearing an amateur-style singlet. He has long black hair, a
goatee, and a scar on one side of his face. Seeming to be lost in
thought, he looks up and begins to speak.]
[Jon Owens]
I thought the EWC would be different this time. I admit, it was
nothing but garbage in its first incarnation, but I thought things
would be different this time around ... then I got here.
I've been around a little while now. When I started out, it was
suggested to me that I run around in a goofy outfit. "You'll get
plenty of attention that way Jon." That was when I was young and
stupid, so I went along with it.
From there, since I wanted to work, I was stuck in small federations,
both over here and overseas. I've got no problem with paying one's
dues. *points to the scar on his face* In Japan I was forced to do
mutilate myself in order to earn a paycheck - never again.
I come back to the US for my "big break" *rolls eyes*, the EWF. The
less said about my stay there the better, but I did learn one very
important lesson from that miserable experience - no more compromising
myself. So, I went back to Japan, this time to the league Total
Japan, to do things on my terms - to wrestle. No costumes, no
weapons, no streetfights - just to wrestle. May the best man win.
So, I get a phone call about the rebirth of the EWC, and, since I'm a
forgiving man, I figured I'd give the US and its unappreciative fans
and promoters one last chance.
What do I find when I get here? My first two matches, I'm tossed into
basic free-for-alls - no skill needed, just total mayhem. My
"competition" is for the most part nothing but a group of no-talent
freaks who do nothing but jump through hoops for the crowd. So, while
they relegate me to garbage like this, I have to sit by and watch
someone advance to a shot at the World Title not on skill, but because
he showed up when the other guy didn't. *claps* Well done Roker - I
bet you got perfect attendance in school too.
So, to the EWC powers-that-be - enjoy your little games while you can.
Yeah, I'll compete in your little free-for-alls - but someone's
gettin hurt. Not by me hittin them with a chair, not by me putting
them through 20 tables - see, I'm gonna hurt them staying totally
within the rulebook. Why? Because I can, and because no one here is
good enough to stop me.
[Owens stands up and begins to stretch in preparation for his match.]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
20 MAN BATTLE ROYAL for the North American title
*SHORT REPORTED*
The first person to enter was T'chai Se-Yeoung, the "Iron Bull"...
he was accompanied by Jade Tiger, who was booed rather soundly
by the fans...he was carrying a Japanese flag and berated several
of the fans at ringside, while the Iron Bull just...stood there.
Next up were 2 Cool Dudes, coming out to "One Week" by the Barenaked
Ladies and with streamers being shot out of the cannon...Stevie M,
PAAL ("Party Animal At Large") and Tommy B Cool partied with some
of the fams...many of the younger girls oohed and aahed, but the
mutants had a field day with these Wave Runner wannabes.
Out next was Chris Anderson, to "Perfect Strangers" by Deep Purple.
Anderson was from Canada, and seemed very affable...a few people
remembered him from the dying days of the EWF and gave him solid
support.
Next up was Bill Curtis, fresh from the previous round...bounding into
the ring.
Out next was Jon Owens, getting some healthy boos, many for his berating Roker,
some from that lame-ass mailman gimmich that he had the last EWC turn through.
Brother Hand followed, coming out to nondescript Gregorian Chant.
He said not a word, wore a basic brown robe, and generally looked
kinda spooky.
Next out was perennial AWA stalwart Jeremy Byron, to "Tubthumping"
by Chumbawamba. The fans were actually really into him, as Byron
has always been *this close* to breaking out. Some, however,
started the "Jobber" chant almost instantly.
Next out was the Raw Assasin, to "Assassination Day" by Ghostface Killah. Fans
really didn't know *what* to make of him, who came
out and instantly started getting into the referee's face, telling
him to call it down the middle.
Out next was the team of Retrospection. "Old School" Bryan Styles
and "Throwback" Jason Gentry. They came out to "Obession" by
Animotion...and were the *only* team that night without some sort
of pyro, lightshow, or video screem montage accompanying them.
They seemed focused, if a little cocky.
Next out was Chris Sim, and he looked *pissed*...especially at
Bill Curtis, and he glared at him as he got into the ring.
Out next was Jay Gillette, and "The Crazy One" came down the aisle
to "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and...chased a ball to
ringside, before rolling in and barking *loudly* at Sim.
Next out was the most *drawn out* entrance of the evening, "Bad"
Brad Watkins...he was accompanied by Torvald Reikkersen and the
Swedish Blond of the Week, and was *incredibly* cocky...signing
autographs and handing out Frozen Hell IV drinking cups..playing
every bit the part of a egomaniac movie star. Amazingly, most of
the autographs that he signed were for some very...uhh...stacked
women at ringside that looked as if they raided Fran Drescher's wardrobe.
Happy Dawson was out next, and he was pumped up, slapping the fans
hands and really getting into it.
"Devil Man" by White Zombie came on and the Slayer was out...
this time without his main woman, Lilith. He howled at the
main ramp and slowly came down to ringside...
before he could get to the ring, tho, "Dragula" by Rob Zombie
came on and Sloan came out, heat already pumping pretty strong
on the basis of his promo...Slayer turns around, and the two
former (?) members of the Hand nod at each other before they
both enter the ring.
Out next was a man no one knew about, a man called The Samaritan.
He came out to "There is a Light" by Nick Cave, and wore a white
mask with a red star on the forehead, a white half-shirt with
a red star on it, and black spandex pants. The man tried to get
the crowd into it, which garnered a small pop, if for nothing else,
for his physique, which was nothing short of amazing.
Out next was Dr. Feelgood, this time with a *really* hot babe
named Ranada, according to the ring announcer.
The final entrant...
[VO]
Cross: We are awaiting the 20th man in this Battle Royal...
("Funeral March" by Liszt starts up)...wait
a minute, that sounds awfully familiar..
Lowe: *perks up* NO WAY!
(The crowd starts to boo lustily...as Dr. Destructo walks out from
behind the curtain and heads to the ring)
Stone: Wait a minute, I'm confused. I just saw this
guy win the TV title in the USeW! What's he doing
here?
Cross: I'm amazed at this, but apparently Destructo has signed
a full time contract with the EWC! I'm getting the
word from our producers, and yes, he is no longer a
part of the USeW.
(Destrocto gets down to ringside and, before going into the ring,
walks over to the broadcast table and shakes the hand of Jimmy Lowe
before heading into the ring)
Lowe: That is so cool....Stone, Cross, *there* is your
next North American champion. *NO* one I've ever
met has ever been better in a fight.
Cross: He must have something going for him, he's the
only person to ever leave your Underworld under
his own two feet! And we've got a bell sounded
and here we go, 20 men for one North American title.
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
The beginning of the brawl kinda went as you might expect...2 Cool
Dudes and Retrospection sticking close to one another (although
the Dudes appeared to be a comedy of errors half the time, with
Cool hitting everyone with dropkicks *except* the intended target).
Meanwhile, Watkins was very surprisingly playing the stall game..
randomly punching someone, then rolling out of the ring and signing
autographs to the derision of the fans. (Lowe: Ah, some leftover
Christmas ham.) The Iron Bull got absolutely *postal* on Jeremy
Byron for about 15 seconds, only to have Byron scurry under his
legs and to have the Bull run *right* into a right cross by the
Samaritan.
First elimination came about a minute in as Chris Anderson tossed
Brother Hand over the top rope...but as Hand tried the Ricky Steamboat
"skin the cat" move Curtis came off of Jay Gillette's back (Gillette
was on all fours) and hit a *beaut* of a flying back brain kick
while Hand was dangling from the rope to eliminate him. Shortly
thereafter, Stevie M. was a victim of a double team attempt
by Slayer and Sloan.
The third time Watkins stepped between the ropes to pose,
Gillette came up behind him and grabbed his trunks by the teeth
*and hands, natch* and pulled him back through the ropes, right
into a Curtis kick flurry. On the final kick attempt, tho, Reikkersen
reached in and tripped him, and Curtis fell right into a kneelift
by Watkins (that seemed to hurt a little more than a kneelift should)
Watkins then readjusted his kneepad and rammed Gillette's head into
it...only to have Gillette immediately go upright and *hammer*
Watkins with a series of headbutts, the last one backing Watkins into
a corner...Curtis then with a Stinger splash that sent both men
over the top..Curtis tried to hang on, but Reikkersen grabbed a leg
there as well, and both men hit the ground. Almost immediately,
Reikkersen and Watkins started to lay a beating on Curtis on the
outside, kicking and stomping...this caused Gillette to jump over
the top rope *himself* to help his buddy, and a brawl ensued on
the outside between all four men until officials came down to
break it up.
Meanwhile, after the Curtis/Watkins elimination, but *before*
Gillette went, Chris Anderson was sent over by a combined effort
of Sim, the Iron Bull, and the Raw Assasin...before the Bull and
the Assassin started going at it. Meanwhile, Retrospection was
laying a severe beatdown on Tommy B. Cool...who got an assist from
Happy Dawson, of all people. Dawson, for his trouble, was
caught in a *brutal* looking crossface chicken wing by Jon Owens.
Retrospection took this opportunity to toss Cool over the ropes..
and then high five and congratulate themselves.
Meanwhile, Dr. Feelgood was being double teamed by Sloan and
Slayer, while Dr. Destructo and Sim were going at it in the corner.
Owens finally released Dawson, then went to work peppering the
Samaritan with shots to the back. The Raw Assasin hit Byron with
a powerbomb, then turned his attention to Retrospection...who would
have connected with a twin clothesline had Assassin not tripped on the
bottom rope heading towards them. As it was, Styles couldn't stop
himself and fell over the top rope. Gentry couldn't believe
what happened and conferred with Styles...only to be dumped over
from behind by the Slayer. Once they got to their feet, Gentry and
Styles hugged and went back to the dressing room *to the derision
of the fand and more than a few "F--g-t* chants.
Meanwhile the Assasin got to his feet, saw what had happened with
Retrospection..and turned around right into a Byron dropkick
that sent him over the top. The crowd popped hard, and Byron looked
shocked as hell. The Assassin was *livid*, and pointed at Byron in
the ring, who was again joined in battle by the Iron Bull.
Meanwhile, Feelgood was trying to fight back, but was getting
overwhelmed by the attack of Slayer and Sloan. Slayer came off
the opposite ropes and would have hit a *nice* back elbowmsmash on
Feelgood...except Feelgood yanked on Sloan and pulled him into his
place, and Slayer's elbow sent SLOAN over the top rope! Slayer
didn't even notice, as when he came off, he was low blowed by
Destructo, and the two fought on the mat. Sloan simply glared
at the ring until walking back to the dressing room.
At this point things got even *crazier* as Beyond Our Control
headed right for ringside. Gerry Cannon, who barely looked affected
by the beating he had gotten no more than 25 minutes ago,
took the ringside mike...
[Cannon]
[in a dangerously quiet, conversational tone of voice] The Chicago
Way... Spinelli and Hayes, you tried to weasel your way out of our
little love fest by doing things "The Chicago Way"... you jumped us
from behind, put me through a table, then RAN AWAY BEFORE YOU EVEN
TRIED TO PIN ME - and THAT is what grieves me the most.
[back to calm] So... since that little "Chicago Street Fight" never
really got off the ground, I think it's only fair that we start the
match AS SOON AS I GET MY HANDS ON YOUR STINKING NECKS! Ref - follow
me, you got a MATCH to call!
[Gerry rolls out of the ring and drags a ref and a cameraman with him]
[Cannon]
C'mon! This'll be just like opening Capone's vault - only it'll be
their SKULLS!
Immediately the screen goes to splitscreen as BOC heads back to the
lockerroom area. In the ring, Feelgood managed to bail Dawson
out from Owens grip long enough for Happy to jump on
Feelgood's *back* and swing at Owens straight down. As amused
as the Doctor was, this was unnacceptable, and he ran backwards to
the ropes, sending Dawson over.
At this point, on the other screen, BOC found Murder Inc's dressing
room, where Haynes is just getting into streetclthes. The snowshovel
that Cannon is wielding finds its way to the head of Haynes. Baen
runs over to another corner of the locker room, where Spinelli is
in a hottub....Baen yells *KAWABUNGA* and dives right at Spinelli
in the hottub. Cannon screams "When you PUT someone through a TABLE, you
PIN HIM, DOLT!" and all four men brawl, with Baen and Spinelli
taking turns trying to drown each other in hottub bubbles. This is
where the splitscreen ends.
Back in the ring, the Bull sends Byron over the top...except
Byron *successfully* pulls off the skin the cat move just as
the Samaritan is being sent over the top by the Slayer. Bull
bows to Jade Tiger in the corner..then turns around into a boot
to the gut by Byron, followed by an amazing looking "Strutter
Cutter" (or Kiss of Death, as Lowe ranted in the commentary that
Byron stole) that bounced the Bull backwards and over the top.
The crowd went nuts. But in the confusion, the referee didn't
see the Bull pulling Byron out under the bottom rope, where
Jade Tiger just started walloping on Byron with his kendo
stick while the Bull proceeded to hit nerve strikes and the
like...finishing with his "Horn of the Bull" Oriental Spike.
Byron seemed completely out of it..until the Samaritan got
*all over* the Iron Bull, coming to the rescue of Jeremy
with a *HARD* clothesline to the back of the head of the Iron
Bull, then bodyslamming the Jade Tiger to a *huge* crowd pop.
The Bull starts brawling with Samaritan, as the two fight
all the way up the ramp as Byron just rolled on the ground,
dazed.
Meanwhile, in ring, Owens was finally tossed over by a combined
effort from Feelgood and Destructo, who wasted no time in
going after each other. Meanwhile, Sim was in a bad way against
the Slayer, taking several power moves and a *hard* DDT onto the
mat. Slayer then signaled for his "Devil Bomb" finisher on
Sim...picking him up for the powerbomb position, and twisting
so that Sim was over the ropes...Sim *reversed* it into a
huracanrana that sent Slayer over the top..Sim fell too,
but rolled back into the ring before either the inside ref
*busy with Feelgood and Destructo* or the outside ref *checking
on Byron* could see that he touched the floor.
*SHORT REPORT MODE OFF*
Cross: And I can't believe either referee did not see
that happen..if Sim wins this, I think a protest
should be filed by every man in that ring.
Lowe: Hey, as much as I hate to say it, Sim's got smarts.
He was aware of his position and he capitalized.
Stone: Meanwhile, Sloan back out, and he's going over to
Slayer.....
Cross: They worked really well together in the Battle Royal,
and I hate to see what they have planned for...
SLOAN JUST SPIT A RED LIQUID INTO THE EYES OF THE
SLAYER!!!
Lowe: That looks a little thicker than the average mist..
dear lord, I think Slayer is a victim of Sloan's
little reindeer game from the promo.
Stone: And Sloan grabbing Slayer..."ENLIGHTENMENT"
Cobra Clutch Bulldog right on the steel ramp...
and Slayer is writhing on the ramp. Now Sloan
carrying Slayer up the ramp onto the stage setting.
Cross: Meanwhile, back in the ring, Feelgood on a tear,
pummeling both Sim and Destructo in there...but
Sim getting a knee to the back, and now both
men are hammering away on Feelgood.
Lowe: Sloan's got Slayer on the top of the stage...
Powerbomb OFF THE STAGE..HOLY *BLEEP*, THAT'S
A 10 FOOT DROP!!!
Cross: And Slayer's head hit the concrete at the bottom
with a sickening bounce, and the fams are really
letting Sloan have it. That was *completely*
uncalled for.
Stone: That's a crock and you know it. The bad blood
between these two run long..Sloan was the rightful
heir to the Cult after Collins left, and Slayer
usurped it and turned into that wacked out,
cheesy Six Fingered Hand. This is Sloan's
retribution...Slayer sinned in Sloan's eyes,
and he just found his pennance.
Cross: Paramedics now on the scene...DESTRUCTO'S OUT!!!
"Wrecking Ball" from Feelgood sent Destructo out..
and now it's just Sim and Feelgood.
Lowe: And these two men have *both* already have gone
through a lot tongiht in their earlier match..
series of headbutts from Feelgood now...what, NOW??
Cross: Fans, there seems to be something happening outside
MSG...
*splitscreen*
BOC and Murder Inc have taken their fight outside..
My god, Spinelli's in nothing but swim trunks, he
has to be freezing..and Cannon and Terry Haynes
just tripped over a couple homeless people in the
midst of their brawl...
Stone: Wait a minute..where did Baen get the Christmas...
HEY, THAT'S MY TREE FROM THE RECEPTION AREA!!!
THIEF!!!
*end splitscreen*
Cross: Fans, we'll keep up with that as long as we can
but right now...CHICAGO CHOKESLAM from Feelgood
on Sim....and Feelgood's calling for the sickle.
Lowe: We could have a new North American Champion right
here. Feelgood's cocked...he's loaded...he fires!
Stone: And SIM FALLS AND PULLS THE TOP ROPE WITH HIM!!
FEELGOOD SAILS OVER AND WE'VE GOT OUR NORTH AMERICAN
CHAMPION!!!!!!
Cross: Wait a minute..the referee saying no!??!?
Stone: What the hell? Sim's the last one in the ring!
He's the winner!!!
Lowe: NOT YET HE'S NOT
(Camera pans to the other side of the ring, where Jeremy Byron,
looking a little dazed, rolls back under the ring)
Cross: BYRON NEVER WENT OVER THE TOP!!! Byron is still
in this.
Stone: Who are you teasing? Sim with a forearm uppercut,
and he's laying the punches and the kicks hard on
Byron. Sim's got this won.
Lowe: Byron took a hell of a beating out there from
the Iron Bull..(Shot of Byron with a low shot to
the groin of Sim) BUT HE'S NOT OUT OF IT!!!
Cross: Byron firing off to the midsection..he's on his feet,
HE'S BACKING SIM UP TO THE ROPES..PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH,
STOMP, STOMP, STOMP..can you believe this!?!?!?
Lowe: The little spud could actually win this!
Cross: SIM GETTING THE TAR KICKED OUT OF HIM, and Byron
lets out a yell!! *CROWD POP* He grabs Sim,
setting him up for a suplex...and he HANGS HIM
HIGH...Sim lands on his feet, REVERSE DDT!!!!
*The crowd groans*
Stone: And that's the experience of Sim coming into play!
Lowe: Sim doesn't look too hot in there, though..I think
he might be bleeding from the lip. Byron getting
to his feet...Sim makes the X, bounces off the ropes..
CROSSHAIRS, and Byron heads over the top!
Cross: And Sim won it...but he was eliminated!! BOTH
FEET TOUCHED THE FLOOR!!!
Stone: Ref's didn't see it, it didn't happen. Oldest law
of wrestling.
################################
# WINNER: Chris Sim, 23:03 #
# NEW NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION #
################################
Lowe: Byron impressed the *hell* out of me tonight,
and like I said, I don't impress easily. Two
eliminations, and he was a heartbeat away from
the #2 title in the EWC.
Cross: A fantastic performance by several people in
the battle royal, and a *lot* of scores to
settle as well. Fans, when we return..four
way dance for the WORLD title...next!