[We cut to the locker room area--Fuego is sitting in front of his locker wrapping tape
around his wrists. When he finishes, he picks up an athletic supporter eyes it for a
few moments, and then tosses it back into the open locker.]
[Fuego]
Day in and day out you train to be the toughest, to withstand the most
punishment. You work out kinks in your moves, refine your counters, and push yourself
to be the best you can be. The one thing you can never train for though, the one
element of the game you can never ever be prepared for--is the low blow. And the other
night, one of those cost me the world title and handed it to Roker Showtime on a silver
platter. Well, "Favored Child", you're even luckier than most think because for the
next few weeks my attention has been diverted and you've been granted a brief reprieve.
Keep an eye on me though, because I'll certainly be watching you.
Now I come to my immediate future, a best of five series with Chris Sim. Sensation?
Hardly. Try "Sorry." Sorry because I'm going to systematically take you apart.
I'm not going to cripple you in one night, you're not that lucky. I'm going to do
my work slowly and enjoy every single minute of it. You see when I gave santa my
list last week, I was greedy, I put down two wishes. If I had won the 4-way I was
world champ--I didn't need anything for myself that's why I was going to throw you
to Ernie--spread the joy. But if somehow I got screwed and lost, well then I was
going to need something to cheer me up. That's why I asked for you, again and again.
There won't be any flukes here. When all is said and done, I just wanted to make
my victory decisive and keep you from being able to cry about flukes. Sim, I hope
you've enjoyed your career, because unless you choose to compete against me in a
running race, I am going to pick you apart and leave nothing behind. I've said it
to others, but I've never meant it half this much--Fuego's gonna kill you.
[Fade to black.]
####################################################################
###### ###### ############# ###### #####
##### ######## ########### ###### ######
##### ################# #### #### ####### ##############
##### ################## ## ## ######## ##############
##### ################ # # ######### ##############
##### ################ ##### ########## ##############
##### ###################################### ##############
##### ######################################### ##############
##### ######################################### ##############
##### ################################# ######
###### ################################# #####
####################################################################
############## # ### # ### # # # ### # # #############
############## ### ### ### #### ## # # # # ## ## ## ###############
############## ## ### ## #### ## ## # # # # ## ## ###############
############## ### ### ### #### ## # # # # ## ## ## ###############
############## # # # ## ## # # # ### # # #############
####################################################################
############## ### # # # # # ### # ### ## ##############
############## ### # # # ### #### ## #### ## ## # #################
############## # # # ## ## ## ## #### ## # # # ## #############
############## # # # # ##### ## ## #### ## ## # ### #############
############## ### # # # # ## ## # # ### ## ##############
####################################################################
#################### # # # # ### # # # #####################
#################### ### # # # # ## # #### ## #####################
#################### ### # # # # # # # #### ## #####################
#################### ### # # # # ## # #### ## #####################
#################### # # # ### # # # ###################
####################################################################
presents
(The opening strains of "Mars, the Bringer of War" from Gostav
Holst's "The Planets" begins to build as the screen fades into
a medieval castle....as two knights in silver armor walk into
the arena hall as the lords and ladies of the realm sit and
watch them prepare to do combat. The camera pans across the
shining silver armor and ornate swords, and we see reflections
of such stars as Fuego, Ernie Grendel, Chris Sim, Bill Curtis,
Torvald Reikkersen, and finally Roker Showtime in action in
the reflections off the armor. Finally, both men charge at
each other, and as the swords clash, they shatter, with the
pieces swirling around and coming together into the words...)
dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP .aMMMb
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"VMP
dMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP
dMP dMP.dMP.dMP dMP.aMP
dMMMMMP VMMMPVMMP" VMMMP"
dMP .aMMMb dMMMMb dMMMMb .dMMMb .aMMMb dMMMMMP
dMP dMP"dMP dMP.dMP dMP VMP dMP" VP dMP"dMP dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP VMMMb dMP dMP dMMMP
dMP dMP.aMP dMP"AMF dMP.aMP dP .dMP dMP.aMP dMP
dMMMMMP VMMMP" dMP dMP dMMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMP
dMMMMMMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMMMMb dMP dMMMMb .aMMMMP
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP amr dMP dMP dMP"
dMP dMMMMMP dMMMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP dMP dMP MMP"
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"AMF dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP VMMMP"
(The image shatters into the image of an arena with enough
people to at least make it seem like it's filled to capacity.
Signs are zoomed in and out as the crowd cheers like there's
no tomorrow. On the video screen two warriors created in CGI
graphics begin a swordfight that slowly morphs into a wrestling
match as pyrotechnics explode in time with the high dramatic point
of "Mars")
Graphic: Centrum, Worchester, MA
(The signs are all over the arena this week...."Cheesy actors come
from the North", "Fuego 3:16 says Fuego's gonna KILL YOU, Sim",
"Happy New Year...let the smackdown begin" and "Rokergate"
are seen throughout the arena as the voiceover begins)
Cross: Happy New Year, America!! Lords of the ring
are LIVE this week, and coming at you from
the frozen north of Massachusetts!!!!
Stone: My god, it's cold outside. But it's gonna
get colder in here, as we've got all the action
anyone could ever ask for!!!!
Cross: Fans, I am Isaac Cross, joined at the broadcast
booth by Ms. Vanessa Stone and our third
broadcast partner, the man who will be broadcaster
#3 for the duration, a man who is no stranger...
Graphic: Vanessa Stone Isaac Cross Dr. Anthony Strange
to EWC fans, the one and only Dr. Anthony Strange.
Tony, glad to have you aboard.
DrS: It's good to be here, Isaac. Being back where I
got my broadcasting start is a very unique thrill.
I wish Gordon were alive to see all of this..he
would have been very proud.
("One Week" by the Barenaked Ladies kicks in as the crowd manages
a decent pop....that gets a *little* louder as the tag team of
2 Cool Dudes heads down to the ring...Stevie M., Party Animal
at Large, dances around and even flirts with a couple of the
ladies, while Tommy B. Cool slaps a *lot* of hands with the fans
and tries to get them into it.
Cross: And we're looking at 2 Cool Dudes as we've got
the first match in tonight's World Tag Team
title tournament, as the Dudes are locking up
with another new team called Retrospection.
Stone: In face, I've got a clip from Retrospection cued
up right now.
Cross: *YOU'VE* got the clip? Why wasn't I told?
Stone: Guess you just don't have the connections I do..
lets roll that footage!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
We cut to what could best be considered a locker room, if only it wasn't for all
of the amenities throughout the area. The walls are covered in posters with
pictures of such e-wrestling legends as Rick O'Malley, Dangerous Emotions, and
the Electric Youth, and with panoramic photographs of Sarasota, Florida, Venice
Beach, California, and Robbinsdale, Minnesota. As we pan across the plush red
carpeting we find ourselves at the backs of two men sitting in directors chairs,
watching highlights of the first EWC card on a mammoth projection screen TV. The
two figures are alerted to our presence and, after putting down their glasses of
champagne, turn to welcome us. We are in the company of "Old School" Brian
Styles, and "The Throwback" Jason Gentry; they are Restrospection.]
[BS]
Hey Jason, look at what we've got here, it's the EWC camera crew. You guys must
have finally pulled all of the pieces of table out of your behinds...
[JG]
...and worked out the kinks in your necks from having to point the cameras in the
sky, instead of in the ring, the entire night.
(the impressively built duo, step out of their chairs and motion for the camera men
to take their places--you can't help notice the shots of the BOC/Murder Inc. brawl
showing on the screen, or the pink boas they're both wearing around their necks)
[BS]
We feel for you guys, heck, we feel for all of wrestling and that's why
we're here. Jay and I have seen the way the winds has been blowing and
we're in the EWC to do something about it.
[JG]
I'll make it really simple for all of you peons--we're sick and tired of the hardcores
and luchadores. We've had enough of the chair swinging, the bloodshed, the barbed
wire bracelets--wrestling has forgotten what it's really all about.
[BS]
Just take a quick stroll with us down memory lane--let's think about the days when
people got by on their physiques...
(we cut to a shot of Styles' and Gentry's washboard abs)
[JG]
...the days when a DDT could end a match in a heartbeat and a spinebuster was a
feared finisher...
[BS]
...when we cared about appearances and not about fifteen minute monologues...
(shots of both men preening and smiling as they flex)
[JG]
...when pushing the edge meant stepping into a steel cage or going at it texas
tornado style. Now THOSE were the glory days of wrestling!!!
[BS]
Sadly, it seems with every match that we watch those ideal situations are fading away
into the distant memeory. Well, if the 70's can comeback in style, if people can call
80's cheese like Bonnie Tyler classics, they sure as hell can embrace old school
wrestling.
[JG]
And Bri and I are going to help make it that much easier for everyone by coming out
every week and putting all of those wonderful aspects of
wrestling on display. With us there won't be any throwing fire. You
certainly won't see either one of us sommersaulting like some circus
clown--you'll see good old fashioned talent, and two incredible physiques.
[BG]
In the weeks to come we'll be hosting seminars on the virtue of this
throwback movement. We'll highlight exactly what's wrong with wrestling
today, and help you learn how to help us put an end to this trend before the
turn of the century.
[JG]
Until then, just go to your nearest Blockbuster, go rent the first Slick Ric
tournament, pop in some Nena and flashback to the past because real soon it's
gonna be the present.
(both men pick back up their champagne glasses)
[Both]
Cheers!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
Stevie M starts out for his team, while Gentry started out for
Retrospection. Slow start, as Gentry was content to confer with his
partner, do a tieup, complain about a hairpull when Stevie takes
him down, confer some more, then tie up Stevie again. Gentry pushes
Stevie back into the corner, teases the clean break, then swings,
only Stevie ducks out of the way, then starts stomping away. He
sends Gentry across the ring, then hits a Stinger splash, causing
Gentry to roll outside for some consolation and hugs from Brian
Styles to the derision of the fans.
They go back into the ring, Styles begs to be tagged in,
and *he's* taken down in series of armdrags, followed by a
dropkick and an armwringer (which Styles screams for every twist)
Tag to Tommy, Tommy in, single arm DDT, followed by a legscissors
around Brian's right arm. Styles gets to the ropes, Tommy lets
go and Styles rolls out of the ring. Gentry over to console his
partner, and *both* get hit with a springboard shoulderblock by
Tommy. Both members of Retrospection crying to referee Mason
Crow, and Crow backs Tommy off as Styles enters the ring. Styles
and Tommy lock up, Styles with a boot to the gut, followed with
a forearm uppercut, then a whip to the ropes, which Tommy
reverses, big backdrop on Styles. When Tommy comes off
the other ropes, tho, Gentry hits Cool with a knee to the back.
This is where Retrospection takes over. Styles tags in Gentry,
and Gentry peppers Cool's back with clubbing forearm blows, then
picks him up and hits a nice dropkick, sending Cool into Retro's
corner. Here Gentry quite easily keeps Crows attention as Styles
uses the tag rope to choke Cool. This draws Stevie M. in, and now
Crow is busy with M. while both members of Retro stomp and choke
Cool. Things stay like this for about 3 minutes, with Retrospection
hitting some very crisp double team moves, including a nice atomic
drop-TR bulldog combo, the Veg-o-matic, and a spiked piledriver,
all of which got two counts on Cool.
Turning point came when Cool and Styles collide center ring, both men
trying to get up. Styles is up first and makes the tag, but Cool
*just* makes it to tag as Gentry bursts in. Stevie M. hits a series of
dropkicks on each member of Retrospection, then nails a double noggin
knocker that seemed to knock both men senseless....
Cross: And Stevie M. starting to come on strong here....
bounces off the second rope..SPRINGBOARD SPINWHEEL
KICK that levels Gentry!!!
Stone: And that geek is actually covering Gentry....
DrS.: One...two....pin broken up by Styles, and now Cool
is in the ring, and we've got all four men in there.
Cross: Pier six brawl as Gentry and Styles back their men
into the corners...double whip...REVERSED BY 2
Cool Dudes!!! And Retrospection collides in center
ring!!!
Stone: And Styles now falling out of the ring, and Tommy
B running for the ropes..HARD Plancha dive!!! And
the Dudes showing they have no respect at all
for the traditions of this sport.
DrS: Well, they're playing by the rules of today instead
of the rules of the 70's and 80's. I was there for
all those decades so I know.
Stone: Well lah di dah, give this man some exlax for his
bedtime treat!
Cross: Meanwhile in the ring Stevie just hit the enziguri
kick on Gentry, and now Stevie on the outside.
This could be the White Chokolate springboard
SPLIT LEG MOONSAULT!!! ON THE MONEY!!!!!
Stone: ONe...two....his foot's on the ropes!!!
DrS: Wait a minute, Styles put Gentry's foot on the
ropes, and now Styles and Cool fighting on the
outside. Meanwhile, Stevie in the ring waiting
for Gentry.
Cross: Gentry getting to his feet....Stevie with a HURACAN
RAN...Gentry reverses into a sitdown spinebomb....
and he PUTS HIS FEET ON THE TURNBUCKLES!!
Stone: Referee not seeing it..one...two...three!!! And
Retrospection advances!
#############################################
# WINNERS: Retrospection, via Pinfall 12:09 #
#############################################
DrS: And unfortunately, poor awareness from the referee
may have cost the Dudes this one..as Styles and
Gentry are out there celebrating like this was
a World title match.
Stone: Well, they just proved their superiority over a
couple of zit-covered punks who think they're Mr.
and Mrs. Popularity around here..I'd say that's good
reason to be happy.
Cross: Maybe using the ropes for a pin is the definition
of superiority in your Websters, Vanessa, but
they've got two more rounds to get through here.
Fans, when we return, it'll be Beyond Our Control
in action!!!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The Dodge Omni...get your 1999 Omni's while supplies last....this week
on Buffy, the final confrontation between Buffy and Angel....Lose those
post-holiday pounds with Jenny Craigs $1 per pound deal....catch the
EWC *live* coming to Boston, Worcester, Albany, Cleveland, and the
next big Lord of the Ring live in Cincinnati!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
{Cut to shot of a locker room, where a man dressed in ripped and
faded grey jeans and a "Frozen Hell" t-shirt stands in front of a
set of lockers; his hair is long and straight, dark brown
streaked with red in alternating locks. He's holding a pair of
football helmets by the facemasks, and alternately swinging them
overhand to hammer repeatedly into the lockers, which are already
looking fairly battered. As this display continues, one of the
helmets finally cracks in half, some bits of plastic visibly
flying off. He lets that hand drop, while accelerating his pace
with the other arm, ramming the helmet into the locker door in
front of him (by now hanging off its hinges) at a machinegun pace
for a few long moments, before stopping. Finally, he turns
around, revealing a wild eyed face with a squared beard and grim
expression.}
[Ronnie]
{speaking in a growly voice} Chin up, buster, this is Pulitzer
material, don't you know ... real Horatio Alger type stuff,
right? Small town boy makes good, gets his break into the big
leagues ...
{He makes a disturbing, sour chuckle from the back of his throat,
somehow managing to laugh without cracking a smile.}
[Ronnie]
Yeah, right. Real life's never been that good, and it don't start
tonight.
{He holds up the busted helmet for a moment, before dropping it
on the floor; the camera view pulls back, revealing a half dozen
or so similarly shattered helmets scattered across the floor --
as well as a partial view of someone lying underneath the bench.}
[Ronnie]
See this? Cheap trash -- just like most of what you're gonna see
around this place. That's what Ronnie Frown is facing tonight,
the highest quality *garbage* Mr. A.L. can buy. Bright colors,
big price tags ... an' it's still garbage.
Now, I ain't a football star ... and I ain't a "hardcore legend"
... and I sure the hell ain't ever been a champion. {He holds up
the other helmet, still intact}. But I don't bend ... I don't
break ... and I won't ever let you forget a mistake.
Whether it's the big crazy Footbrawl, or the flashy tournaments,
I know all that trash out there tonight is waiting for their big
chance to win themselves a shiny tin belt ... and I know the crowd
is out there right now making their picks, hoping their favorite
son comes out on top. All I gotta say is, Ronnie Frown's in town,
and that means one thing for all of them:
{He slips the helmet on his head.}
Get used to disappointment.
{Ronnie stalks off the scene, and the camera closes in on the
dismantled locker door, which reads "Showtime".}
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Cross: And Mr. Frown seems to be getting in line with
a lot of people wanting to call Roker out as of
late..
DrS: Uhh, Isaac...
Cross: And I'll have an opportunity to have some words
with Mr. Showtime later in this broadcast. We've
got another tape..
DrS: Isaac, THAT WASN'T TAPED!
Cross: Another of the com...what?
DrS: That wasn't taped. That was running live. Just
got the word from the booth.
(Camera goes back to the dressing room, where technicians and
paramedics are attending to a man...the camera zooms in...)
Cross: HAPPY DAWSON!!! This Ronnie Frown apparently
has assaulted Happy Dawson!
Stone: OH MY GOD!!!!! HE KILLED HAPPY!!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!
Cross: This isn't funny...Happy's yellow mask is stained
blood red....this doesn't look good, folks, paramedics
are on the scene..
DrS: I have a question...Happy was in the tag tournament.
What happens now.
Cross: I honestly don't know.....fans, lets go to this
pretaped interview while we sort this mess out..
from the Children of Apolcalypse....
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(Tape opens to a pitch black room, all of a sudden a bunch of candles
are lit and it reveals to people dressed in black robes with there
heads down and a hood covering their faces. They begin to speak as
some sort of hymm is playing in the background)
[Dan and Zach] (in unison)
Welcome one and all to your dark, dark future. You will learn that
a great evil is once again upon you. That evil has seeped its way
through time and has once again emerged on this measly little planet.
Throughout history, our father, Apocalypse has been the route of this
evil has been battled throughout your history. He was exorcized from
this planet in hope to save trillions of lives, and even more to come.
But once again he emerges only to take a new face today, in the name
of his 2 sons. Zach and Dan Rierson have come to show the way.
Now that this evil is back, even though it may not have gone away
completely, it has seeped it's way into the EWC. Beyond Our Control,
the EWC may not have control over you but, our father does. You our
the first in our way. You don't realize you are tempting your fate by
wrestling us. Your destiny is determined just like everyone else's,
and as far as we can tell, it does not look pretty. So accept this
warning EWC, and Beyond our Control, and be careful, for you don't know
what can happen.
(The candles all go out and then the camera fades)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
DrS: And as the music of Metallica's "Unforgiven" plays,
we see the brothers Rierson headed down the aisle..
is it just me, or do we have entirely too many
cultist nutballs running around in this federation?
You've got Sloan, you've got these guys, you've got
Brother Hand..and I guess Slayer as well...
Stone: Slayer got punked last week by Sloan. He's gone.
History. He has been...forgiven. And Sloan in his
mercy let him leave the fed rather than face more
of the divine power's wrath.
Cross: Give me a break, Stone. Although these two kids..
making their EWC debut as well, have got *everything*
that they can handle right now as they're about
to face down ("Grey Matter" by Oingo Boingo starts)
one of the deadliest tag teams out there.
*LOUD crowd pop*
Stone: Utter and complete psychopaths are what these two
are, to be sure.
Cross: Maybe so, but they're also one of the favorites
to win this tournament. "Insane" Jules Baen
and Gerry "Loose" Cannon now down at ringside
with their manager, Dr. Kevn Shrapnel....
and Shrapnel now taking the microphone...
[Shrapnel]
Ladies and Gentlemen, I must inform you at this time that the Electronic Wrestling
Council will *not* be held responsible for thesemen's actions... they are...
(crowd joins in) BEYOND...OUR...CONTROL!!!
DrS: And it's amazing how the fans have taken to BOC.
I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder.
Cross: They certainly made a statement last week involving
their *war* with Murder Inc., who are also involved
in the tag tournament. The bell rings, and we're
set to begin here.
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
This match was relatively brief but brutal. Cannon and Baen
basically went crazy on Dan, the larger and more built of the
two Rierson brothers, hitting some fairly creative double
teams, including a wicked looking low shoulderblock-high kick combo
taht dropped Dan like a stone in Lake Michigan, and a double
vertical suplex that sent Dan over the top rope.
What made things interesting was this....Cannon hits a tope con
hilo on Dan...then sets Dan on a table...at this point Retrospection
bolts down to ringside...rolls Dan off the table..and then proceeds
to take it away!!! Both men wore neon pink T-shirts that said
"S.P.O.T. - Society for the Preservation Of Tables"...and Styles
says to the camera "This ain't getting broken tonight!!!" Styles then takes
it back as Gentry grabs the other ringside table. Cannon
is just looking oddly at all of this, and had decided to do something
about it when Dan Rierson comes in and nails a *stiff* belly to belly
suplex on Cannon and makes the tag.
This is where CoA came to life. Zach catapulted in with a slingshot
legdrop to start things off, then laid some boots onto the fallen
Cannon. Zach then tosses Cannon out and hits a *nice* triple jump
moonsault to the outside. Tosses Cannon back in, tag to Dan, Dan
pulls Cannon to the apron and goes outside as Zach climbs the ropes..
Dan holds Cannon halfway off the apron as Zach hits a guillotine
legdrop that bounces Cannon's head off the bottom of the ring
and 360's him to the outside. Dan and Zach then bow to each
other as the fans start to boo.
Dan back in the ring with Cannon and applies a plum stretch for
about a minute, with the prerequisite "B..O...C" chant getting
Cannon going. Cannon gets to the ropes, Dan lets go..Cannon tries
to fight back with some shots to the head, but Dan stops the momentum
with a boot to the gut..then lifts him into a vertical suplex..then
drops him HARD into a Michinoku Driver II that would have gotten
the 3 count if Baen had not come in.
Tag to Zach...Zach grabs Cannon, sends him to the ropes, tries
for a springboard press but Cannon grabs him and converts it into
a powerbomb to stop the momentum. Zach's up first, but Cannon
gets up in time to ram a headbutt into the midsection of
Zach, then toss him out of the ring by the trunks. Zach gets to
his feet..and gets *plastered* by the timekeepers bell courtesy of
Jules Baen. This draws Dan Rierson into the ring and we've
got another four way brawl. Rierson pounds Cannon into the corner,
Cannon ducks under and hits a *sweet* superkick to stun Dan enough
for Cannon to hit a running plancha on *both* Baen and Zach....with
Zach taking the brunt of it, natch.
Finally Dan joins the outside crew, and the brawl shifts to where
Zach and Cannon are in the ring, Baen and Dan out of it....
Zach grabs Cannon into a Stone Cold Stunner position..then runs up
ropes and twists backwards to hit the stunner in a *really* impressive move...
the fans even popped for that one. Zach then went up the ropes
and went for his finisher..the Shooting Star Press...only Shrapnel
tossed a cane into the ring for Cannon to use, and Cannon used it
to jam into Zach as he came down (meanwhile referee Winans was
busy trying to get Dan and Baen seperated). Cannon tosses the
cane out, heads for the top rope, Asai moonsault, 1,2.3. Postmatch
Baen smacks Dan with a chair and Dan no-sells it, BOC then out
with dual chairs..Dan ready to go into it but sees Zach in the
center of the ring and goes to check on him.
##############################################
# WINNERS: Beyond Our Control, pinfall, 9:32 #
##############################################
Stone: And that is exactly the kind of thing that teams
like Retrospection are trying to change. Zach
Rierson had that no-talent bum pinned, but he
used an ILLEGAL foreign object to score the win.
DrS: Hey, that's what you get for having Winans in there
as a referee. He always was a bit afraid of the
hardcore wrestlers.
Cross: Fans, when we return, Frozen Hell takes on Bill
Curtis and Ernie Grendel..don't miss it!!!!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The Almond Joy "Sometimes you feel like a nut" Move of the week...Ernie Grendel's
shooting star press on Chris Sim...cause "Sometimes you feel like a nut"....Clearasil
helps remove pimples, and stop new ones from forming....ZOT! Cola, you can never have
too much caffeine...
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Cross: Fans, we've got this promotional tape from Curtis
and Grendel..we haven't seen what's on it yet..but
we were told that it was a "spanish educational
film"...
Stone: Why am I suddenly so afraid?
Cross: So without further ado..we are proud to present
the film debut of Ernie Grendel and Bill Curtis..
otherwise called: Los Dos Psychoticos vs. Los Stiffs
Congelado...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[Los Stiffs Congelado, btw, translates badly into "the Frozen Stiffs"...]
----
[fade in on what looks like very bad 8mm black-and-white film being
projected onto a bedsheet somewhere. After the usual 10-9-8-7-etc
countdown a shot is seen of a piece of cardboard. Printed on the
cardboard is the following:
CUT N SHOOT PRODUCCIONES PRESENTE:
Los dos Psychoticos contra. Congelado El Stiffs
*very* bad 60's "hip" music plays in the background... eventually
the scene cuts away to two guys in Lucha masks - one in a Frisco
Kid mask and one in a Tumbleweed mask - lounging in a swank 60's
lounge or something. People mill about, a band plays a completely
nondescript 60's tune. The two have large margaritas on hand...]
[Frisco]
Esto es la vida, no es él, Sr. Tumbleweed?
[bad subtitle]
This is the life, isn't it, Mr. Tumbleweed?
[Tumbleweed]
De hecho, mi amigo. Pero debemos ser siempre vigilantes contra
las fuerzas de malvado y del malo que luchan - esos stiffs nunca
dan para arriba!
[bad subtitle]
Indeed, my friend. But we must be ever vigilant against the forces
of Evil and Bad Wrestling - those stiffs never give up!
[A cute female (in miniskirt and gogo boots, natch) simpers up to
the table with an autograph book in hand]
[Cute chick]
Puedo por favor tener sus dedicatorias, heros maravillosos de la
lucha del oh del pueblo?
[bad subtitle]
May I please have your autographs, oh marvellous wrestling heros
of the common people?
[Tumbleweed]
Ciertamente, mi muchacha querida. Nos excitan siempre para resolver los
ventiladores hermosos de la lucha que están interesados en nosotros para
nuestras mentes y no apenas nuestras constituciones espectaculares!
[bad subtitle]
Certainly, my dear girl. We are always excited to meet beautiful wrestling
fans who are interested in us for our minds and not just our spectacular
physiques!
[Frisco reaches over and baps Tumbleweed on the head as Tumbleweed reaches
for the autograph book. A phone rings. Frisco reaches into a potted plant
which was sitting rather gaudily on the table and pulls out a phone.]
[Frisco]
Hola. El Frisco Kid aquí.... Sí? Otro ataque senseless y pobre-ejecutado?
Tendremos razón allí!
[bad subtitle]
poorly-executed attack? We'll be right there!
[Frisco grabs Tumbleweed by his mask and drags him away from the cute girl.]
[Tumbleweed]
La derecha de la estancia allí - esto no puede tomar más de diez minutos
porque ésa es toda la película que tenemos!
[bad subtitle]
Stay right there - this can't take more than ten minutes because that's
all the film we have!
[Frisco and Tumbleweed pile into a styling '66 Chevy - repleate with
dingleballs all the way around the windows, fuzzy dice and a dashboard
Jesus, and speed away.]
[Cut to a very bad back-projection scene of Frisco and Tumbleweed
"driving"]
[Tumbleweed]
Así pues, Frisco, por qué usted me arrastró lejos de cuál habría
sido un exquisito si romance de breve duración?
[bad subtitle]
So, Frisco, why did you drag me away from what would have been an
exquisite if short-lived romance?
[Frisco]
Ésa era la comisión en el teléfono. Se hay otro exterior que bate
terrible la arena de la lucha.
[bad subtitle]
That was the Commissioner on the phone. There's been another
terrible beating outside the wrestling arena.
[Tumbleweed]
Terrible como en violento?
[bad subtitle]
Terrible as in violent?
[Frisco]
No, terrible como en hecho muy gravemente. En absoluto interesando
para mirar, y sin el sentido verdadero del entusiasmo...
[bad subtitle]
No, terrible as in very badly done. Not at all interesting to watch,
and with no real sense of excitement...
[the car "screetches" to a halt. Cut to Frisco and Tumbleweed exiting
the car outside Una Arena Cerca De Usted - a local wrestling arena. They
are met by a very large man wearing a very fake moustache - possibly Jon
Wallace]
[Frisco]
Usted llamó para nosotros, Sr. Commissioner?
[bad subtitle]
You called for us, Mr. Commissioner?
[Commissioner]
Sí, mirada en ésa...
[bad subtitle]
Yes, look at that...
[The camera pans to "Insane" Jules Baen and Gerry "Loose" Cannon, in
heavy theatrical makeup and wearing fake beards and wigs, in a crumpled
heap and covered with snow.]
[Tumbleweed]
Usted tenía razón, Frisco... He visto que los alumnos hacen
batieron-abajo mejor que esto.
[bad translation]
You were right, Frisco... I have seen schoolchildren do a
beat-down better than this.
[One of the "victims"]
El ningún embromar - me aburrieron a los rasgones!
[bad subtitle]
No kidding - I was bored to tears!
[the other "victim"]
Y lo hicieron sin ninguna fluidez en todos - imagine nuestro
humiliation en tener que vender para esos idiotas!
[bad subtitle]
And they did it without any fluidity at all - imagine our
humiliation at having to sell for those idiots!
[Tumbleweed kneels down next to one of the "victims" - who is now
seen visible trying not to laugh - and scoops up a handful of snow.]
[Tumbleweed]
La nieve... esto significa que los perpetrators podrían solamente
ser un equipo...
[bad subtitle]
Snow... this means that the perpetrators could only be one team...
[Frisco nods]
[Frisco & Tumbleweed]
Los Stiffs Congelado!
[bad subtitle]
The Frozen Stiffs!
[cut to Frisco and Tumbleweed "driving" again]
[Frisco]
Puesto que conocemos Los Stiffs Congelado no tenga ninguna
imaginación en sus hojas de operación así como en su
lucha, ellos podría ocultar solamente hacia fuera en un lugar...
[bad subtitle]
Since we know The Frozen Stiffs have no imagination in their
planning as well as in their wrestling, they could only be hiding
out in one place...
[cut to a long shot of the Chevy pulling into a delapidated Ice Factory.
Frisco and Tumbleweed pile out. Tumbleweed points to the doorstep]
[Tumbleweed]
Mire, nieve!
[bad subtitle]
Look, snow!
[the "dash" inside, the way that Batman and Robin "dashed" inside in the
old 60's TV show]
[Cut to the interior of the factory, Frisco and Tumbleweed are looking
around, under and behind equipment...]
[Tumbleweed]
Dónde podían estar? Significo, son un dígito binario demasiado
grande y mudo ocultar dondequiera bueno...
[bad subtitle]
Where could they be? I mean, they're both a bit too big and dumb
to be hiding anywhere good...
[DRAMATIC STING MUSIC as Frisco and Tumbleweed both look aghast]
[Frisco]
[pointing] Allí son!
[bad subtitle]
There they are!
[The camera follows his finger to two large snowmen wearing "Frozen Hell"
t-shirts as the dramatic sting music continues a bit. You can tell which
snowman is talking because he shakes a bit, but otherwise doesn't move.]
[Snowman 1]
Las maldiciones, usted nos ha encontrado!
[bad subtitle]
Curses, you have found us!
[Snowman 2]
Ahora usted debe pagar! Destruiremos, pummel, y de otra manera
lastimado le muy muy gravemente!
[bad subtitle]
Now you must pay! We will destroy, pummel, and otherwise hurt you very very
badly!
[Snowman 1]
Le derrotaremos porque somos enormes y asustadizo-scary-looking,
y tendremos cuerpos asombrosos!
[bad subtitle]
We will defeat you because we are huge and scary-looking, and have
amazing bodies!
[Snowman 2]
Le derrotaremos porque somos muy inteligentes a pesar de parecer
un par de Neanderthals deshelado -hacia fuera - tenemos perspicacia
de negocio muy buena. Incluso pusimos nuestras propias camisetas!
[bad subtitle]
We will defeat you because we are very intelligent despite looking
like a couple of thawed-out Neanderthals - we have very good business
acumen. We even marketed our own t-shirts!
[both Snowmen]
LE DESTRUIREMOS!
[bad subtitle]
WE WILL DESTROY YOU!
[bad secret agent music plays as the fight begins. Frisco dropkicks one
snowman, knocking him over, while Tumbleweed scrambles up a ladder to
dive onto the other snowman. Frisco makes a basket with his hands and
boosts Tumbleweed into a moonsault on the snowmen. Frisco shoots up onto
a boiler and executes a Skytwister Press onto the snowmen. Both Frisco
and Tumbleweed basically highspot the snowmen to death in a rapid jump-
cut manner. In the end, Frisco and Tumbleweed stand triumphant over a
pile of snow and a couple of soggy t-shirts.]
[Tumbleweed]
Victoria! Las fuerzas del malo que luchan pueden nunca estar paradas
contra la fuerza de Los Dos Psychoticos!
[bad subtitle]
Victory! The forces of Bad Wrestling can never stand against the might of
Los Dos Psychoticos!
[Tumbleweed takes a triumphant step up into the pile of snow, slips, and
falls. As he staggers to his feet, his mask falls off revealing none other
than Bill Curtis]
[Frisco]
Oh no! Senior Bill!
[bad subtitle - oh come on, do I have to translate this for you?
[cut to a piece of cardboard with "THE END" painted on it and then the
film breaks...]