DrS: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
Stone: Did we just watch that? I can't believe we just
watched that.
DrS: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
Cross: *snicker* Apparently Curtis and Grendel have done
their own share of movies.
Stone: You call *that* a movie? I didn't see films that
bad when my Aunt Gladys came back from the Grand
Canyon! There's no *way* you can compare that piece
of trash to the fine cinema of Frozen Hell IV!
I hope Brad and Torvald file a lawsuit for defamation
of character.
DrS: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
[PA]
Let's get crazy.
(The opening strains of "Crazy" by Seal play over the speakers
as the crowd pops like a teenager's acne)
Cross: And here come the new stars now....and they've
brought some insurance policy along in the form
of one "Crazy" Jay Gillette.
Stone: I bet that policy came from Mutual of Cut 'n
Shoot, where the agents don't even know how
to spell HMO.
DrS: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
Stone: See, Cross...at least someone appreciates
my humor.
DrS: BWAHAHHA *stops abruptly* I wasn't laughing at
YOU, you dumb bi..
(The sound is cut off abruptly as fireworks shoot out of each
corner in a clockwise fashion to the time of Ernie's hair moshing,
with Bill joining in the second time around until 8 explosions..
2 for each corner...go off)
Cross: And Blatant Disregard for Life and Property...
Stone: What did you say!?!?!
Cross: That's their team name....Blatant Disregard for
Life and Property.
DrS: BDLaP? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Stone: Will somebody shut him up?!?!??
Cross: Anyways...these two are gonna have a test..
("Fire on HIgh" by Electric Light Orchestra kicks
in) at the hands of these men, and they do *NOT*
look happy at the moment.
Stone: Oh, this is going to be good. They saw El Hijos
de Jobronis little home movie and they're gonna show
these two how *REAL* stars do it.
Cross: Reikkersen is accomapanied by Frieda and his Swedish
Blond of the Week, Ingrid, Brad's accompanied by his
ego..and Brad has to be happy about his alma mater,
Penn State University, beating Kentucky today in the
Outback Bowl..but they can't be happy about THIS!!!
DrS: Oh my lord...both Grendel and Curtis springboard
off the top rope then criss cross into bodysmashes
on Frozen Hell, and this one is very much underway!!!
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
This one was wild. After all four men got up, it turned into a
four way brawl, with FH getting the better of the two smaller
opponents at first. Eventually all four get into the ring, and
Reikkersen goes at first with basic kicks before hitting a
knife-edge chop on Grendel..who no-sells it and goes "WHOOOOO"
right in the face of Reikkersen before doing the Johnny Cage
Memorial split into a Ric-Flairish low blow that caused the
crowd to pop hard and for Ern to draw a ref warning from "Reverend"
Ray Chapman..Ern follows up with a legsweep into a couple of
falling elbowdrops to the thigh of Reikkersen...Torvald gets to the
ropes, and rolls out to walk it off *with some help from Frieda*
Ern uses the moment to fake a plancha *doing the Misterio spin
around on the top rope( that causes Torvald to spin around as if
to catch him...but instead Torvald eats a sliding dropkick to the
face that sends Torvald back against the steel guardrail, and then
an encore performance of the Springboard Shooting Star Press Ern used
against Sim that caused the crowd to go apeshit. Cross wondered
how long Ernie's body could withstand that kind of punishment, while
Strange just wondered how long Torvald could withstand that kind of
punishment.
Ern came up limping a little bit, as did Torvald, so they both tagged
to their respective partners after coming in. Brad then stalled a
*lot*, threatening to lock up but instead pulling away, adjusting his
hair, waving Curtis off..finally they locked up, and Brad tosses
Curtis into the far corner *using his superior size and power*,
but the followup splash was dodged by Curtis. Curtis then tried
to run to the ropes, but Torvald grabbed his trunks on the way
back to slow him down...this invited a high roundhouse kick by
Bill, but this allowed Brad enough time to hit a clothesline
over the top rope.
Brad then distracted Chapman as Torvald went to work...bodyslam by
Torvald onto the concrete...then a whip into the steel steps
that started to soften the back of Curtis. As Torvald went to
flirt with Ingrid for a moment...Gillette barked and then *LEVELLED
Torvald with a clothesline that had the arena barking with him.
Fortunately Chapman was *still* busy with Brad as he was trying
to get outside the ring. Finally Curtis got back in and Brad
started ramming his padded knee into the back of Curtis to much
effect...
Cross: I'm sorry, there's *got* to be something in that
kneepad.
Stone: Sure there is..one of the strongest knees in pro
sports. Think of all the excercise he had to do..
the squat thrusts...the tackling drills..
DrS: The amount of time he spent on his knees while in
jail for DUI's....
Cross: STRANGE!!!!
DrS: You know, you sound just like Gordon when you do
that...
After a short-arm clothesline, Watkins tags out to Torvald, who
does some more kicks to the back, then drags Bill to the ropes and
chokes him on the ropes while Brad distracts Chapman. Torvald
then rons from the other side and tries a rocking horse splash, but
Bill moves out of the way and Torvald slides right out of the ring.
Bill then quickly goes to the other side and goes for the plancha..
but Brad is right there, catches Curtis on the way out..then Press
Slam's him onto the guardrail. Torvald and Brad "acknowledge their
many fans" who in return show them that they're number 1 (And I think
you know what finger they used to do it)
Back in the ring now, and Torvald hits a kneebreaker, then calls
for Brad to put a knee up and irish whips Curtis into the knee.
Tag to Watkins. Watkins hits a vicious looking snap suplex that
garners a 2 count. Watkins then slaps on a variant of a camel clutch
where instead of sitting on the back, Watkins puts his padded knee
into Curtis' back and pulls back on the chin. This looked painful,
and Curtis was in the hold for about 30 seconds before Grendel finally
came in with a dropkick for the save. This allowed Brad to land
a few more knees before sending Curtis to the ropes..he tries for
a high kneesmash but Curtis rolls under and Brad ends up with one of
his knees hanging on the top rope...Grendel immedaitely runs over and
yanks on the one leg, crotching Watkins, and allowing Curtis to
hit a NICE Sunset Bomb to the outside, falling at an angle so Watkins'
back hits the floor.
The referee actually got to a nine count before Curtis made it back
into the ring...Watkins was hot on his heels, but Curtis made the
hot tag to Ernie, who started to hit spinwheel kicks left and
right to knock both men down. Grendel whips Watkins into a
charging Torvald. Grendel whips Torvald into the corner, causing
him to do his Flair spot to the outside. Grendel then tries the
same with Watkins but the ref gets in the way and is knocked down.
This is Curtis' cue to come in, double backdrop over the top rope
for Watkins. Curtis then goes to the top...
Cross: ..and Grendel now getting on Curtis' shoulders..
my god that's at least 12 feet off the ground...
DrS: Now Curtis on his feet and both men fall towards
Frozen Hell!!!
Cross: That was "Death From Above" and both men nailed
the cinema sensations..
Stone: Isaac, how the hell did you know what that was
called? That was the first time they ever used it.
Cross: As a blow by blow announcer, I'm required to watch
the wrestlers as they train..if I don't know what
something is, I ask. It's that simple.
Curtis then started to go off on Torvald near the announcers table
as Grendel sends Watkins into the ring...at that moment, Chris Sim
walks out of the back holding something under his Canadian flag-styled
cape Before he can get to ringside, Gillette starts barking at him and
threatening him...Sim pulls a very large Milk Bone from behind his back and
tosses it over Gillette's head, yelling "Fetch"...this distracts Gillette
enough for him to turn around and to get CLOCKED by
the MUCH bigger bone that Sim was also hiding under his cloak.
Meanwhile in the ring..
Cross: Grendel now off the opposite ropes...UGLY
Springboard DDT, and now Ernie heading for the top.
Stone: Oh no, Torvald and Bill are still going at it in
the fans area.."The Icebreaker" can't see this...
DrS: Ernie's got his back to the entranceway, the ref
is just now coming to...OWWWWWWW!!!!
Stone: Oh my.....Sim with that bone right up Ernie's
"lower abdominal region"...and he's gonna be
delivering his cheesy Mexican lines in soprano
now!!!!
Cross: What an outrage as Sim grabs Ernie and hits a
top rope German suplex on him for good measure,
then heads for higher ground as Watkins gets up...
picks Grendel up...tombstone piledriver!!!!
Stone: And Curtis finally noticing this but can't do much
about it as Torvald is slowing him down.
Cross: Chapman finally crawls over to where Watkins has
Ernie covered..forget it, one...two...three!!
And Chris Sim has *again* stolen a victory from
a deserving opponent!
############################################
# WINNERS: Frozen Hell, via pinfall 11:11 #
############################################
Stone: Oh, please, it was only a matter of time before
Brad caught the Mexican Jumping Bean in one of his
cutesy high-flying moves and made a grease stain of
him...and Brad and Torvald celebrating in style with
Frieda and Ingrid...oh, baby!
Cross: I think I'm going to be ill...Curtis now checking
on the unconscious Jay Gillette...fans, we'll be back
after this.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
The new Subaru Outback.....buy it so that Paul Hogan can still have
a career.....catch the new Pinky, Elmira and the Brain every saturday morning
on the Kids WB....The Roly kit stores dozens of toys and rolls
in and out for maximum neatness.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Cross: We are back, and I've just been informed that
we have Adrienne Solo in the back, and she has
found Ronnie Frown. Adrienne?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
{Camera cuts to a view of Adrienne Solo rushing to catch up with a figure in the
arena halls.}
[Adrienne]
Mr. Frown? Mr. Frown! Excuse me--
{The man turns around with a glaring expression, and Alison
takes a step backwards, reevaluating the wisdom of a close-up.}
[Adrienne]
I'd like to have a few words with you about the hand you had in
Happy Dawson's condition tonight -- or are you going to deny
responsibility for that attack?
[Ronnie Frown]
Why would I? I ain't done a thing that didn't scream to be done.
[Adrienne]
{incredulously} It *needed* to be done? That's--
[Ronnie]
{interrupting} Let me draw you a diagram ... Happy Dawson, and
his big scary "mystery partner" go out there tonight, and they
kick ass like no one's business ... they punch, they slam, they
lock up, and they finally get a three count ... and they win
themselves the EWC World Tag Team Championships. Reeeal sweet
show, don't you think? Six months ago a fan, one night later,
the Man, walking along the greats. Like a goddamn Disney feature,
right?
[Adrienne]
Well, it *would* be a great moment, certainly for Happy Dawson--
[Ronnie]
--yes, a great moment for Dawson and all of his adoring fans.
In other words ... it's gonna make me SICK! Day in, day out, I'm
gonna have to listen to that yellowfaced modern-day Pollyanna
telling everyone what a dream come true this is for him ... and
it's gonna put me in insulin shock! They say an ounce of
prevention is worth a pound of cure -- so I gave Happy MY ounce
of prevention, along with a whopping two hundred and thirty-four
pounds of REAL LIFE!
I said it once before, and I'll say it again -- to Happy, to his
partner, to all the fans who give a damn about him ... get used
to disappointment!
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Cross: What a jerk!
Stone: Hey, wait a minute..you heard the man. He's just
deep down trying to keep the fans happy. I know
for sure that smiley-faced freak is the *LAST*
person I want to see wearing that belt.
Cross: At any rate, the paramedics have reported that
Happy is in stable condition and is in no shape
to compete tonight, so I guess Murder, Inc. has
drawn a bye into the finals.
Stone: No way...there's no way they're gonna get a bye.
DrS: And you know that because.
Stone: Neither man's last name is Showtime.
Cross: Oh will you get off of...
(At this point, "Invincible" by Pat Benetar starts and EWC Commisioner
Tara Jansen heads to the ring, looking once again a little upset)
Cross: And Commisioner Jansen is here now and apparaently is
getting ready to make an announcement...("Murder,
Inc" by Bruce Springsteen starts to some decided heel
heat) and here come the lucky opponents now.
Stone: Look, I didn't hear you talking about luck when this
happened to Showtime..although since we all know
that that wasn't luck, it really doesn't matter.
At least MInc. came out to accept their bye..that's
more than Roker ever did.
DrS: These gentlemen *are* the odds-on favorites in this
tournament to be sure, and probably will be more so
if they garner a bye..
Cross: Hold up, Ms. Jansen's got the microphone.
[Jansen]
OK, as you all probably know by now, Happy Dawson is in no shape
to compete tonight due to the assault by one Ronnie Frown...oh,
quick side note Ronnie, don't expect to get paid for your next two
matches..welcome to Finesville, population, you.
*crowd pop*
Now, as to the matter of the match, since Dawson is unable to compete,
his tag team needs to be removed from the tournament. Therefore,
I have no choice but to award the match via forefeit to...
("The Gallows Song" by Robert Plant and JImmy Page kicks in...many of the fans
recognize the music...many more recognized the man that comes out to it)
Cross: Waaaait a minute...that's Glenn Turner....
"Gunslinger" Glenn Turner!!!
Stone: What's going on here? He has *no* right to be
out here right now.
DrS: Well, considering he's in his wrestling gear, I
think I have a pretty good idea....
[Turner]
Pardon, ma'am -- I didn't mean to interrupt such a lovely little speech 'n' all,
but you did just say you had a hole in this tourney, right?
[Jansen]
*silence*...well, yeah, I just said that. Your point?
[Turner]
Well, I just happened to be in the building tonight, and my partner and I have been
in a tag match or two ... and since the people here paid good money to see a match,
don't you think they should get one?
*Crowd pop*
Cross: Does that mean what I think it means? Has Boot
Hill arrived in the EWC?!?!?
DrS: I'm not so certain that would be a good thing..
I seem to remember Turner's partner, T.C. Jurgens,
having some behavioral problems in the tail end of
their tenure here..
Stone: I can't believe this...Jansen's actually considering
this!
Cross: Look, 10 seconds ago you were bitching about the whole
bye thing, this prevents that.
Stone: I was bitching about Roker getting a bye...true legends
like Spinelli and Haynes actually deserve it..and
Jansen asking Murder Incorporated about this,
and Spinelli says bring em on..that's what no fear
is all about.
[Jansen]
OK, I guess you and your partner are on! *CROWD POP*
[Turner]
Thank y'kindly ... {turns to the other team} Stand back, fellas ... my pal's
been a bit ... unstable ... lately, and y'all might want to give him some room ...
DrS: Oh boy, this should be a hot one...
Cross: Boot Hill one of the hottest tag teams of 1998 in
the AWI, and they should give Murder Inc. ("Superbeast"
by Rob Zombie comes on) a run for their..wait...
this is new music for Boot Hill.
(The fans gasp as a *VERY* large Asian man barrels out of the
back and towards the ring....Terry Haynes' eyes pop out about a
foot when he sees this)
Cross: And that is nowhere *NEAR* approaching T.C. Jurgens..
my GOD, what a monster!!!!
Stone: I'm very confused right now...this...thing is teaming
with Glenn Turner?
Cross: The ring announcer announced him as Toshiro Kensake,
and he's listed as being SEVEN FOOT TWO and weighing
about 380 lbs..
DrS: DAI KAIJU!!!
Cross: Gesundheit!
DrS: Nonononno...Kensake is Dai Kaiju, from the EWF!!
He was that *monster* that held the TV title and
basically bowled over pretty much everyone in his
path. And that's who's teaming with Glenn Turner
against Murder Inc. This ought to be a wild one..
*SHORT REPORT MODE ON*
(NOTE: I'm not feeling particulary inspired tonight...I promise
I'll make it up to both teams later)
Kensake really opened up to begin with, wailing on both members of
Murder Inc with kicks and knife edge chops, and hitting a
savate kick that literally knocked Haynes over the top rope from
its force. Kensake then grabbed Spinelli, sends him to the ropes,
and hits a Yakuza kick on Spinelli...refere (and former KWF
commish) John Riker gave Kensake a mild warning as he grabbed
Frank in the chokehold, but then gave him room to finish
executing the chokeslam on Spinelli. Tag to Turner, who
comes over the ropes with a slingshot corkscrew elbow, then
picked Spinelli up into an elbowdrop. That was enough for
Frank as he tagged out to Haynes. Haynes charges into
an armdrag by Turner, then another before Haynes slides out
of the ring for a breather and to get booed by the fans.
Haynes comes back in, gets Turner in a hammerlock, which
Turner elbows out of, bounces off the ropes, shoulderblock,
no effect...Turner off the other ropes, Spinelli with a knee to
the back, Haynes with a flying clothesline that sends both men
over the top.
Haynes gets up first and rams Turner's head into the steel post,
then into the ring apron. Tosses Turner back in, then heads
for the top..hits a flying clothesline. 2 count. Tag to
Spinelli. Spinelli goes to work in classic style. Some chops to
the chest...whip to the ropes, belly to belly. 2 count. Settles
into a Boston crab, but after the fans cheer a bit, Turner makes
it to the ropes. Spinelli around with a legdrop to the back
of Turner's head. Spinelli then picks up Turner...boot to
the gut ...SWITCHBLADE snap suplex *cue some heel heat*.
2 3/4 count. Tag to Haynes, whip to the ropes..double flying
clothesline. Haynes covers...2 count. Haynes grabs Turner
by the head...Kidman-style tornado bulldog. Haynes gets up and
draws his thumb across his throat, then heads for the top...tries
for the "Rub Out" Missile Dropkick, but Turner dodges out of
the way and makes the hot tag to Kensake.
Kensake like a house of fire as he starts waylaying both members
of Murder, Inc with hard chops, then bodyslamming both men.
The Assassin comes back with a low blow, then a shot to the
chest, but Kensake just gets really mad, picks him up,
and chokeslams him TO THE OUTSIDE!!! *THIS* got a crowd pop..
and an even louder one came when Gerry Cannon of Beyond Our
Control appeared coming through the fans. He was carrying
an object that, on closeup, was a Deep Dish Pizza Pan (otherwise
known as Chicago-style pizza)...which he used to *WAFFLE*
Spinelli, then he pulls out duct tape, tapes his leg to the
steel post, then runs off.
Meanwhile Kensake hit the choke slam on Haynes, but can only
get a two count. He then *climbs the ropes* and hits a poorly
executed but still damn-impressive-for-a-7-plus-footer moonsault,
but that's still not enough to put Haynes away. Kensake tags to
Turner, then hoists Haynes onto his shoulders while Turner heads
to the top. They then jointly hit what can only be called a
spiked electric chair powerbomb, Turner covers...one, two, three!
################################################
# WINNERS: Weapons of Last Resort, by pin 7:47#
################################################
Cross goes nuts over the fact that this team came out of nowhere
and pinned a pair of legends. Stone rants about the fact that
Weapons of Last Resort (their announced team name) should have
been DQed for the interference of Cannon, which Riker didn't
catch because he was too busy calling the match. Strange
counterargued that Spinelli wasn't the legal man and might
not have made that much of a difference. At any rate, the
second round was set with Retrospection facing Beyond Our
Control, and Frozen Hell taking on the team who suddenly
became a lot more dangerous to the field, Weapons of Last
Resort. They go to break.