{A dimly-lit and empty wrestling arena ... a spotlight shines on
one corner of the ring, illuminating a man in black spandex
pants, red boots, a white half t-shirt with a red star on it,
a sleeveless red leather trenchcoat, black forearm pads with a
large white handprint on the outside of each, and a white
wrestling mask with a red star on the forehead -- named last week
as the Samaritan. He looks up at the camera with a wry grin.}
[Masked Man]
There are a lot of you out there, I know, who aren't sure just
what to make of me. Can't say as I helped matters much last
week, either, since I didn't make too good of a showing in the
ring. But the truth is, I wasn't really ready to wrestle that
night -- you could say, I was just passin' through, and saw
some people that needed help. SERIOUS help.
Chris Sim needs help. Chris, all those blows to the head you've
taken in your last few stops seems to have caused an inflammation
of the ego, which will only get worse with that purloined piece of
jewelry. Take two aspirin and give the rest of us a break.
Slayer and Sebastian Sloan both need help ... and a loooooong stay
in some nice, quiet place -- maybe somewhere with a Gideon's Bible,
so they can get their facts straight. And now, that'd be with
separate rooms.
Of course, that terrific ice-dancing duo, Torvald & Mean --
Watkins and Reikkersen, you OBVIOUSLY need help, starting with a
definition of the verb "to act."
{His voice takes on a more serious tone.}
And someone who needed all the help he could get, Jeremy Byron,
who wasn't trying to put anybody out of wrestling, wasn't trying
to humiliate or embarrass anybody, but was just trying to earn a
paycheck, win a match, and maybe make a name for himself the right
way. Apparently, that sort of thing just doesn't make sense to
Mr. Jade Tiger and his new improved thug -- I guess last year's
model just didn't have the cargo capacity, eh, JT?
That's not the way it should be for the guys giving it their all,
guys like Curtis and Grendel, Dawson and Showtime, now even Byron.
And it all stops here. The gore, the broken bodies, the looking
over your shoulder every match hoping nobody you weren't expecting
is there ... yea, though you walk the the valley of the shadow of
death, you need fear no evil -- because when you look over your
shoulder, the Samaritan's gonna be there, watching your back.
And as for the rest of you -- I'm ready to lend YOU a Helping
Hand ... and I'm going to start with you, Iron Bull.
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FOOTBRAWL BATTLE ROYAL!!!!!
*SHORT REPORTED*
The first entrant out was Curtis "C-Jack" Stone....
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{"House That Jack Built" by Metallica comes on over the speakers,
and Stone swaggers his way down the aisle, mugging for the camera
along the way with a big grin ... as he gets to the end of the
aisle, he stops as the music reaches "this is the house that Jack
built ..." -- where in it cuts into the ubiquitous NFL-Films
style of orchestra music, as he first sets into a three-point
stance, then drops to his knees in a "check this out" pose, before
standing and continuing to the ring, grabbing a mic along the
way. He drops the white football that he was carrying}
[CS]
All right, Worchester! Are you ready for a C-Jack attack?
{A few boos, but mostly murmuring, comes from the crowd...Stone merely grins}
[CS]
Don't worry your fuzzy little brains much -- NOBODY CARES! The
most perfect athlete to ever hit the squared circle is in the
ring and in the zone, so just sit back, and think about all
those Ho-Hos and Twinkies you're going to stuff down later
tonight, thinking about the perfection of this ultimate
conditioning, that the rest of you can only dream about ...
{Curtis shows off said conditioning to a chorus of boos}
[CS]
OK -- time for some SLIGHTLY less important biz! As much as I hate
to admit it, C-Jack isn't at his best yet ... no, I know you're
thinking, "What's up with that? Those biceps, those abs, that
stomach, that back"-- there's simply nothing wrong with C-Jack!
Well, you're absolutely right, of course -- C-Jack is flawless
in every way but one ... {makes a belt motion with a grin> he's
a little thin around the waist.
BUT -- that's going to change TONIGHT! And THANK YOU, EWC, for
recognizing how UNSTOPPABLE C-Jack is ... 'cuz they're putting
that TV gold up in the FootBrawl! This little rumble would be
unfair enough for the lesser lights of the EWC if was just
WRESTLING -- but it's ALSO about defense, about tackling, about
ambushes in the open field ... and compared to the sackmeister
of the CFL, the rest of you are just a bunch of Alouettes!
So you gonna see tonight what too many quarterbacks have had
haunting their dreams ... an Argonauts jersey comin' at you,
and the sudden realization that C-Jack's about to go upside your
head Allied-J style! And when you wake up, you're going to see
that beautiful championship belt, the one you'd give blood and
bone and sweat to wear -- and if I'm in a good mood, I MIGHT let
you get a closer look!
Now then ... the burning question on everyone's mind ...
Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the most super of them all?
{The video wall fades in from black, to an obviously pre-taped
close-up of Curtis Stone's grinning face}
[Video Wall]
Look out, 'Brawlers, let it be known,
the most super of all, is C-Jack Stone!
[CS]
Hey, allllll riiiiiight! How about that?!
{He swaggers around the ring as if pleasantly surprised, for a few
moments, then steps back and awaits the rest of the participants
as the fans, hearing quite enough, start the booing process.)
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The lights then dim as "There is a Light" by Nick Cave plays,
and a white spotlight with a red spinning star in its center appears
in the aisle, moving back towards the curtains. When it reaches the
doorway, strobe lights on each side light up as the Samaritan emerges.
He stands stock still for about 5 seconds, then hits the arena floor
running full-steam to the ring. He was wearing a cutoff officials
shirt instead of his normal shirt, and carried a down marker to the
ring.
Next out was Brother Hand, who slowly proceeded to the ring area
to his gregorian chant.
Next out was Shoji Watanabe, to "Falling" by Gravity Kills.
Watanabe came out wearing a jacket with "Grapplarts" on it...
Strange explains that this was the most recent federation in Japan
that Shoji has been involved in, and that he got his first stateside
experience in the ECWF
Next out was Ronnie Frown, to a very *loud* chorus of boos for his
attack on Happy that night...and also to "Ronnie" by Metallica.
Ronnie is wearing a linesman (? -- the kind with the FULL face mask on front,
rather than just the bar) football helmet (black with red stripes, like
his hair, and green "Yuck face" symbols for the "team logo"), and football
pads worn on the /outside/ of a "Frozen Hell" t-shirt.
Next up was a man that they introduced as Grant Harrison...but no one
came out. He was announced again, but still nothing. Strange figured
that he was a rookie that decided against coming in.
The Iron Bull was next, and true to his word, he wore no football
clothing....although Jade Tiger carried a down marker to ringside with him.
Up next was "Nuclear" Nick Duncan..as the opening line of "Fuel" by Mettalica
played ("Give me fuel/Give Me Fire/Give Me That Which I Desire"), a white Pyro
flash goes off and then Nick comes out
as the rest of the song kicks in and heads to the ring.
Following close behind was Jon Owens to the tune of ""El Phantasmo and the
Chicken Run Blastorama" , looking still as ticked off as ever, and almost
wishing he didn't have to be there.
Out next to "Funeral March" by Chopin, was Dr. Destructo, to
video wall images of different buildings being destroyed.
He was wearing a homemade jersey in Oakland Raiders colors with
"Destructo 66" on the back.
Chris Anderson came out to "Perfect Strangers" by Deep Purple
in jeans, Doc Martin hiking boots, a black EWC t-shirt and a
Buffalo Bills Doug Flutie jersey..Cross notes that Flutie used
to play in the Toronto Argonauts.
ANd finally, out came Feelgood in streetclothes..his plane had
*just* landed about 30 minutes ago due to the weather, and he
didn't have time to change....
The rules were reviewed. This was basically a battle royal, only instead of
elimination coming from over the top rope, elimination
came from tossing your opponent "out of bounds", or over the gate that now
blocked the way to the entrance ramp (The gate was about the height of the
ring ropes in relation to center ring, maybe a little bit less.)
All paraphenalia brought to the ring was now legal. As the rules
were announced, there was a shot over the shoulder of the timekeeper
that showed an empty seat with a cooler, a pair of sports binoculars,
and a "Go C-Jack" sign...
The bell rings and everyone goes after everyone else. Anderson
starts with a hard tackle to the legs of Brother Hand, then starts
bashing him with rights and lefts. Duncan, Owens and Stone
almost automatically lay a hard triple team on Feelgood before
Stone goes off to hit Anderson some..Duncan tries to stick with
Owens, and the two hit some really effective maneuvers, including
a spike piledriver on Feelgood. Meanwhile, the Samaritan basically
gang-tackled the Iron Bull over the top rope, and now both men
pounding hard on one another...Destructo grabs Frown from behind
and yanks him down by the facemask, then piledrives him with the
helmet on, giving it extra force for good measure.
Watanabe hit some stiff strikes on Hand as well, sending him over
the top with a "shotay" palm thrust. Frown low-blowed Destructo, then
went to grab a cooler of Gatorade that he brought down, and smacked
Destructo in the head with it...causing all sorts of ice to be
spread across the ring...jagged, pointy ice. Feelgood noticed this
and, after sending Duncan through the ropes with a tights grab, reared
back and hit Owens with a spear that rammed his back into that cold,
sharp ice. Owens, now bleeding from the back, was then sent over
the top by Feelgood before Feelgood followed him out.
Anderson and Stone, in the meantime, were outside the ring, with
Anderson tackling Stone into the steel guardrail. Shoji continued
to hit Brother Hand with low kicks below the belt..on the legs and
such. Samaritan was caught in a bearhug in the corner by the Iron
Bull....until that was broken up by Feelgood whipping Nick Duncan
into both of them, breaking the hold. At the same time, Hand
had returned some of the martial arts assault on Watanabe, busting
his nose open with a roundhouse kick....Hand sends Watanabe towards
the "out of bounds" gate, only Shoji reverses...and Samaritan catches
him with a gorilla press over the gate. First man out. However,
this distraction allowed the Iron Bull to headbutt the Samaritan so
that he fell over the nearby guardrail into the fans. With this,
Jade Tiger (on the outside) advanced the down marker to 2. Se-Yeoung
then grabbed Samaritan and pulled him over..and invited fellow countryman
(well, fellow Asian) Watanabe to take a strike. Shoji
basically said "Talk to the Hand"...(at least that's what Strange quipped)
and hit Se-Yeoung with the shotay...which the Iron Bull
absorbed without effort. One headbutt and a toss over the top
later, and Shoji Watanabe was elminated...and the Tiger advanced
the marker to "3"
Frown plants Destructo with a windmill DDT, then turns around to
receive a boot in the gut from Chris Anderson, then a powerbomb
to the outside that was executed quickly and impressively....too
bad Destructo ruined it with a helmeted headbutt to the head of
Anderson that sent him over the top rope...Destructo then climbed
to the top rope...just in time to see Feelgood backdrop Owens on
the outside....Destruct goes for a top rope headbutt to the outside
but Owens sits up, and Destructo rams his own head into the
concrete. Meanwhile, Curtis Stone was being choked on the outside
by "The Iron Bull", but Duncan hits Se-Yeoung from behind with the
down marker, and both men combine to dump "The Iron Bull".
Tiger is upset...meanwhile the Samaritan takes the moment to
clothesline Duncan from behind. Owens, in the meantime, goes
over, rips the helmet off the head of Chris Anderson, and
whacks him across the face with it.
At this point, Stone yells out "Coach, I need a breather"...
then jumps over the guardrail where the "Go C-Jack" sign was,
sat down, and popped open a cool Coors from the cooler. Referee
John Riker came over and was about to argue this..when he notices
something about the timekeeper. He walks over and asks the timekeeper
for his credentials....he refuses at first, but eventually relents..
and Riker then starts laying a count..a camera closeup catches
the credentials as beling to "Harrison, G"..this was GRANT HARRISON,
the missing 12th man, posing as the timekeeper!!! Harrison argued
briefly..then jumped the railing and began to wail away on
Stone to a mild crowd pop (at least from the nearby crowd)...Stone
used the sports goggles to smash him in the face...only to have
Doctor Feelgood come in from *BEHIND HIM* (he snuck through the
crowd) and toss him back over the guardrailing...and then
stands on the chair, pops open a beer, and chugs it down in true
hardcore legend fashion to an *IMMENSE* crowd pop before crushing
the can and raking it over Stone's eyes. Meanwhile, Harrison had
moved on to Dr. Destructo.
Owens and Duncan had turned their attention to the Samaritan,
ganging up with a double vertical suplex then laying in stomps and
kicks. Anderson then came over for the save, and Samaritan and
ANderson stood well against Owens and Duncan...until Ronnie Frown
came through and planchaed all four men at once. Destructo used
the confusion, headbutted Harrison away, and then turned around
and tossed Duncan over the top rope..at this point, a bleeding
"C-Jack" yelled "DESTRUCTO..GO LONG"...Destructo turns around
and gets that white football right in the face! The football
bounced off the facemask but the powder..yes powder...on
the ball went right into Destructo's eyes, allowing Owens an
easy elimination.
C-Jack and Owens then went to work on the newcomer Harrison..
meanwhile Samaritan and Anderson combined to send Ronnie
Frown over the top...Frown responded by climbing the fence
and grabbing Anderson by the *HAIR*, with Stone getting under him,
allowing Stone to toss Anderson over...on the other side, Frown,
grabs Anderson in what looks to be a reverse DDT..only he
turned it into an inverted snap suplex, driving Anderson's
face into the concrete...One stop and a loud "Get used to
disappointment" later, and Frown heads back to the locker room.
Feelgood and Owens are fighting like mad in one corner, Stone
and Harrison in another, and Samaritan just takes a position by
the gate...Stone attempts to send Harrison over after a hard
DDT, but Samartian pulls Harrison down, then headbutts Stone
backwards. Meanwhile, Owens ducks a "Wrecking Ball" attempt,
causing Feelgood to ram himself into the steel ringpost..he then
sets up a steel chair, yelling "You asked for this, Feelgood"...
then nails a Northern Lights Bomb (aka the Powerdriver)
face first into the chair on Feelgood. Owens used the confusion
to get the Samaritan off of C-Jack long enough for C-Jack to toss
Harrison. Harrison then basically went nuts, shaking the gateway,
until officials could come down to restrain him.
Owens and "C-Jack" then took turns doubleteaming the Samaritan,
then Feelgood, then the Samaritan, then Feelgood, until they
decided that enough was enough. They attempt to pick
Samaritan up in a double suplex, but Feelgood kneeclips Owens
from behind, screwing up the angle..Stone gets him up, but
Samaritan twists down into a diamond cutter, stunning him
long enough for the Samaritan to toss him over the top.
Meanwhile, Owens and Feelgood are fighting against the fence two
feet above ground, neither man giving an inch. The Samaritan
comes over, and steps to the other side of the fence..Owens
sees an opportunity and goes for the shove..but instead Samaritan
hooks a front facelock and superplexes *BOTH* of them over the
gate!!!! Feelgood cannot believe this and neither can the
announcers!!!! Samaritan could have just dumped Owens but
instead apparently sacrificed his win for Feelgood.
###################################################
# WINNER: Dr. Feelgood (Last man standing) 21:00 #
# NEW EWC TELEVISION CHAMPION #
###################################################
Feelgood then spent several minutes celebrating in the ring with
the fans, then going over to the cooler, drinking another beer,
then tossing the rest of the cans to various fans as they go to
a commercial.