{Scene: The locker room ... sitting on a bench, a towel wrapped around
his shoulders, and holding an icepack to his knee, is "Gunslinger"
Glenn Turner ... his partner, the massive Toshiro Kenzake, paces
behind him with an EWC Tag Team Title belt in each hand, grinning
wildly and windmilling the title belts around. Turner looks up at the
camera with a tired smile.}
[Turner]
Not exactly what you were expecting, huh? Well, don't let it get you
down -- nobody else is going to collect on their wager either, I
reckon.
Funny how life leads you on strange turns. Couple of weeks ago, I was
holding the first contract I'd ever signed with the letters "EWC" on
it, staring at a list of possible TV title contenders, and wondering
how I was going to stack up against guys with helmets and shoulder-
pads. Then they find Happy Dawson tossed around in the locker rooms,
and suddenly there's an empty seat on the stagecoach to the tag
titles.
{Kenzake leans down and grips Turner by the shoulders, shaking him
enthusiastically with a hearty laugh.}
[Kenzake]
I TELL you!!! I say, these teams are tough, but not too tough! I SAY
we can beat them, and we BEAT them!!!
[Turner]
{chuckles} Yeah, yeah you did at that ... if there's one thing I've
learned in my wrestling career, it's when a man this big says he's got
an idea, you listen. And what he said made sense -- that Ronnie
Frown's little stunt could start a feeding frenzy.
[Kenzake]
Murder-Inc. gets free pass, hurt Beyond-Our-Control, show F-H they
play dirty too and win -- who stop them? Well, WE STOP THEM!
[Turner]
In other words, the tables had definitely been tilted towards a group
of fellas that never met a ref they didn't ignore. Somebody had to
even the odds a little, and the only weapons left were a hired gun and
a human Godzilla. That made us the Weapons of Last Resort -- and WE
made us champions.
[Kenzake]
Getting belts only half the fun though ... now we KEEP them!
[Turner]
No argument here, DK ... and I think it's pretty clear where we hafta
start. I reckon 3 teams in particular are licking their wounds, and
grumbling that they oughta be where we are. And they just might have
a point.
First, there's Haynes and Spinelli. Some folk would say that little
Pizza-Hut special that figured in our match, you brought on
yourselves. But I'm sure you're already on the phone to Ms. Jensen to
say you got robbed. Well, pocket your change, pilgrims--just get a
contract, and Toshiro and I will sign on the dotted line.
[Kenzake]
Dawson next. Not your fault you do not win these belts, so not fair
that you should wait long for shot at them.
[Turner]
You round up that Mr. X of yours, go wrestle a tune-up match to make
sure Ronnie McDonnie didn't break anything, and come callin', and
we'll give you a match. And then there's Retrospection.
[Kenzake]
They give us tough match -- EWC probably say we owe them a match
anyhow. Hai then -- we wait for you too. {drapes the belts over
Glenn's shoulders, and flexes his arms for the camera, his hands
reaching to almost fill the camera's view} Weapons of Last Resort will
pick you up, put you down, leave you for dead!
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presents
(The opening strains of "Mars, the Bringer of War" from Gostav
Holst's "The Planets" begins to build as the screen fades into
a medieval castle....as two knights in silver armor walk into
the arena hall as the lords and ladies of the realm sit and
watch them prepare to do combat. The camera pans across the
shining silver armor and ornate swords, and we see reflections
of such stars as Fuego, Ernie Grendel, Chris Sim, Bill Curtis,
Torvald Reikkersen, and finally Roker Showtime in action in
the reflections off the armor. Finally, both men charge at
each other, and as the swords clash, they shatter, with the
pieces swirling around and coming together into the words...)
dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP .aMMMb
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"VMP
dMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP
dMP dMP.dMP.dMP dMP.aMP
dMMMMMP VMMMPVMMP" VMMMP"
dMP .aMMMb dMMMMb dMMMMb .dMMMb .aMMMb dMMMMMP
dMP dMP"dMP dMP.dMP dMP VMP dMP" VP dMP"dMP dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP VMMMb dMP dMP dMMMP
dMP dMP.aMP dMP"AMF dMP.aMP dP .dMP dMP.aMP dMP
dMMMMMP VMMMP" dMP dMP dMMMMP" VMMMP" VMMMP" dMP
dMMMMMMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMMMMb dMP dMMMMb .aMMMMP
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP amr dMP dMP dMP"
dMP dMMMMMP dMMMP dMMMMK" dMP dMP dMP dMP MMP"
dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP"AMF dMP dMP dMP dMP.dMP
dMP dMP dMP dMMMMMP dMP dMP dMP dMP dMP VMMMP"
(The image shatters into the image of an arena with enough
people to at least make it seem like it's filled to capacity.
Signs are zoomed in and out as the crowd cheers like there's
no tomorrow)
Graphic: The Scope, Norfulk, VA
(The camera pans to signs such as "Mirror, Mirror, oh do tell, Curtis
Stone can go to hell", "Roker soled out", "Fly, Ernie, Fly" and
others as the general fireworks display flies over the crowd....)
("It's Showtime" by David Lee Roth fills the arena as Roker Showtime power
walks down the isle. Roker is wearing street clothes and seems genuinely
ticked off, which could be told by the expression on his face and the fact
that he doesn't respond to the cheers, and lesser amount of the fans. When
he gets in the ring, Roker motions for a mic, which is tossed to him and he
catches.)
[Roker]
Let me ask you folks a question... who's the baddest, toughest, most feared
wrestler in the world today?
(Roker holds his mic out to the crowd, who all shout "Fuego")
[Roker]
And who's the man that gets the first shot at the EWC World Heavyweight
Title?
(Roker holds his mic out to the crowd again and they all shout "Fuego")
[Roker]
So what's the problem? The problem is everyone wants a shot at this
*pointing to the EWC World Heavyweight belt draped across his shoulders* and
they don't know how to go about getting it.
(Most of the fans cheer, while a smaller group start a "You Sold Out" chant)
[Roker]
You see, I thought I was doing the right thing last week when I came out here to
address the "Roker Sold Out" rumors that are floating around, but I was wrong. I
should have owned up to the fact that I did sell out.
(The fans that were cheering look around in shock while the fans that were
booing get even louder)
[Roker]
I sold out to my wife the day I married her and my daughter the day she was
born, but I have /NEVER/ sold out to Tara Jansen or any other front office type!
(The fans who were booing are quickly drowned out by cheers)
[Roker]
For those people who are saying, "Roker is being favored... Roker is the EWC
golden boy" and assorted crap, all I have to say is stop your yapping and
bring it to the ring. I'm not a hard man to find and I sure as hell don't
duck challenges. That especially goes out to Chris Sim and Jon Owens.
(The cheers get even louder)
[Roker]
As for Fuego...
(A small group of fans start a "Fuego's Gonna Kill You" chant)
[Roker]
Fuego... I don't like you and you sure as hell don't like me... but out of all
the wrestlers in the locker room, I respect you the most. You are the most
dangerous man in wrestling today and worthy of holding any title in this sport.
And while I don't think I earned the EWC World Heavyweight Title, that doesn't
change the fact that it's mine. So here's the deal... I'm bringing my A game
tonight because that's how both of us wrestle. If your game is better than
mine and you win the belt, I'll be happy to shake your hand. But don't
be surprised when the bell rings and my hand is raised. I've beaten bigger,
stronger and faster men than you... and I can do it tonight.
(Roker Showtime tosses the mic to a ringside attendant and walks up the isle
to cheers and the "Fuego's Gonna Kill You" chant. "It's Showtime"
kicks in as the camera shoots over to the announcers table...)
Graphic: Vanessa Stone Isaac Cross Dr. Anthony Strange
Cross: You heard it right there, folks..welcome to Lords
of the Ring, and we've got a WORLD TITLE MATCH
right here tonight as Roker Showtime will defend
against the man he pinned on our very first
rebroadcast, the man called Fuego.
Stone: And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that
it will be entirely up to Chris Sim who will win
this match. Sim may be being paid off by Roker
to keep that title protected...
Cross: There's no proof of that!
Stone: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, also remember this
big ol Best of 5 series that Sim and Fuego have going
on right now. Yeah, Sim's North American belt is on
the line...but remember, folks, if Fuego's the champ,
Sim's got an awfully *strong* case for that World
belt to be on the line too. So Sim needs to decide
what's more important...the money or the belt.
DrS: I think both Roker and Fuego are going to be ready
for Sim's shenanigans tonight..the matter is who's
readier. Fuego is a world class athlete..but does
he have Roker's number tonight? Roker has always
been about the title defense...his last tenure as
EWC champion years ago was proof of this.
(Gregorian Chant starts to play as the crowd boos)
Cross: Folks, in this broadcast, we've got the showdown
between Sebastian Sloan and the Slayer, now known
by his given name, Mark Davidson. Also we've got
that big grudge match between Ronnie Frown and
Happy Dawson, and Dawson is chomping at the
*bit* for revenge.
DrS: Don't forget too..("Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction
kicks in and the crowd pops big time)..we've got
Frank Spinelli against 1/2 of Beyond Our Control,
Mr. Gerry "Loose" Cannon....plus "Crazy" Jay
Gillette looking for some payback against Chris
Sim and a whole lot more!!!
Cross: Right now we've got the first match in the
EWC Light-Heavyweight tournament, as Brother
Hand will face off against Bill Curtis...and
Curtis calling for the mike now...
[Bill Curtis]
I guess some folks are a little dense. I thought we had made it
perfectly clear last week Chris - you're definitely at the top of the
list me and mi amigos are working on. You really didn't need to go to
anymore trouble. You just couldn't let it be could you man ... you
see a camera around, you gotta act up. *to himself* I dunno what it
is about guys from Canada hogging the camera. *to the audience*
Anyway, Chris, ol' buddy ol' pal ... just 'cause you and I don't have
an "official" match on the docket doesn't mean that our paths won't
cross. Sometimes these things just sorta happen ... you know, you see
some, pardon the expression, dumb animal trying to cross a highway.
Now, there are no cars in sight, nothing going on, so he figures he's
got it made. He just about makes it when all of a sudden BOOM! he
gets hit by some out of control loon on a Harley. The loon hears a
little thud, but isn't sure what it is, so he backs up the bike ...
and he hears it again. He goes forward, he hears it again.
Eventually the loon - who's actually kinda bright, not to mention
handsome, just not quite all there - realizes he's going to all this
trouble for just some inconsequential roadkill. You're a bright guy
Chris - figure out the metaphor.
On a similar subject - Frozen Hell - your movies just aren't all that
good. They're not even bad enough to be good bad movies, if you know
what I mean. As for calling yourselves Frozen Hell - guys, I'm from
Alaska. You ever try sleeping in a house in Alaska in the middle of
winter, no power, electric heat, damn power company is doing nothing
to fix it, can't COOK ANYTHING 'CAUSE IT'S AN ELECTRIC STOVE, GOTTA
TOSS EVERYTHING FROM THE REFRIGERATOR BECAUSE THE FOOD HAS GONE BAD,
NOTHING TO DO ... *pauses, collects his thoughts* Anyway, we're not
through with you two either. As for you, Brother Hand, Father Time,
Sister Sledge, whatever your name is ... well, I'm gonna beat you up
tonight simply because I have a match with you and not the other folks
I talked about.
(Curtis tosses the mike aside as the referee is signaling for the
bell)
BILL CURTIS vs. BROTHER HAND
Hand nailed Curtis from behind with a roundhouse kick, and so it
began. Hand dominated for the first couple of minutes with
kick strikes and palm thrusts, with a reverse knife-edge that
echoed through the arena, then another one that sent Curtis over
the top rope. Curtis landed on his feet, though, and as
Hand turned around, Curtis jumped upwards and sprinboarded off the
middle of the top rope into a flying elbowsmash that sent Hand
sprawling. He then sends Hand to the ropes and hits what looked
like a Thesz press, only really close to the ropes so Hand was pressed
against them...Curtis hit rapid-fire rights onto Hand's head to send
both of them over the top.
Outside, Hand was dazed for a moment, long enough for Curtis to score
with a boot to the skull, followed by a double underhook DDT onto
the concrete. Curtis went back into the ring and waited for
Hand to get up...once Hand was upright, Curtis ran into a face first
baseball slide that converted into a tornado DDT as Curtis slid by
Hand's face. This *really* got the crowd into it, and Curtis into
it as well. Curtis tossed Hand back into the ring, climbed the ropes,
and went for a 450, but Hand got his knees up.
Hand went to work on Curtis' back..kneedrops, backdrops, and a
surfboard hold slowed the match pace a little. Hand picked Curtis
up for a powerbomb, which Curtis reversed into a huracanrana.
Hand hit a couple of chops to the stomach, Curtis blocked one
and nailed a kick to the lower abdomen. Curtis then set up for
a vertical suplex, but instead gourdbustered Hand onto the ropes
so he was dangling for a second...until Curtis ran off the other
ropes and hit the Sunset Bomb to the outside! Curtis then tosses
Hand in, runs to the turnbuckle, and hits a twisting legdrop for
a 2 count. Curtis then sets Hand onto the top rope, grabs both his
arms, and hits a swinging double underhook DDT for the 3 count.
#########################################
# WINNER: Bill Curtis, by Pinfall 4:33 #
#########################################
Cross: Curtis never really lost control of that match..that
man is, for my money, one of the best light
heavyweights in the sport.
Stone: Well, he's certainly one of the craziest. Hand
had some good momentum at one point, but he let
Curtis control the pace of the match, and you
can't do that. Once they get a little further
along in the tournament, Curtis is gonna have
to face some people that have it a little more
on the ball, then look out!
Cross: Fans, we will be back, after this.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Once you pop....you just can't stop. Pringles.....this week, Buffy
says goodbye to Angel...all new Buffy. Then, on Felicity, it's
midterms....the Subaru Outback..the only reason Paul Hogan is still employed.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Cross: We are back ("New Sensation" by INXS plays) and
that music can only mean that the "Canadian
Sensation" is on his way to the ring.
Stone: Oh yeah, here comes Mr. Ratings, Mr. Electricity,
Mr. Friday Night! If LeBeaux is lucky, Sim will
have a lot to say so he can keep the ratings high.
DrS: Saying that Sim *may* have a lot to say is like saying
President Clinton *may* have a thing for women other
than his wife. Sim has a 13 1/2 minute spread on
beating the length of the President's State of the
Union address tonight..and I bet money that he beats
the spread!
Stone: You're just jealous cause you don't get the attention
the North American Champion gets.
Cross: Folks, we may be getting lucky tonight, his fireworks
went off, but Sim turned around and went back...oh,
I see..he's bringing out...a bunch of signs?!?!
Stone: And the microphone, don't forget the microphone!
Cross: (Sardonically) How could we?
Stone: Shut up, the master is speaking.
[Sim]
I just seem to be getting everyones attention don't I? First Grendel,
then Fuego, now Roker, and if y'all would shut up so I can have your
complete and undivided attention because I think I deserve at least
that much!
(So begins the usual "Shut Up" chant these EWC crowds are becoming so
famous for.)
Stone: He's talking to you, Strange!
Now, before I get to tonight's match I just want to skip ahead to the
future for a second. What do I see in the future? Surprises, well
except for another tick in the win column for me, surprises. First
up, Roker, i'll get you in the ring when I have time, thanks for the
standing offer tho, much appreciated. Other people may have to face
you when *you* like and on *your* terms but since i'm the bigger
star here ...
(This quickly starts a "Roker" chant at the mere mention of his name.)
Stone: Tell it like it is, Chris!!!
we'll do it where I want and when I want. Oh and Roker when we do get
in the ring I have a huge surprise for you. I hope just because i've
opened it up and played with it already that it won't spoil it for
you. It certainly hasn't spoiled it for me.
(Sim turns to the camera and winks, and blows it a kiss.)
You'll find out what I mean soon enough. But, you aren't the only one
I have a surprise for. As I absolutely have to have one for my friend
Fuegy, how can I forget him?
(A "Fuego's gonna kill you" chant starts up.)
Why don't you take your own advice and shut the hell up!
(The crowd pops at the fact Sim finally mentions them.)
Fuegy, you know it as well as I do that I was screwed out of that
match last week. I mean that ref obviously didn't understand the
rules of wrestling, and like every other *great* wrestler, I know the
rules like the back of my hand. You see the ref should read the
section on illegal moves, spitting being one of them. So, i'll just
let it be known now that I won that match and in what would've been
record time, but i'm not bitter, oh no, because I still have three
more matches with you now. Fuegy, you see, before I was playing nice,
and because you decided to get a little help from your friends last
week ... no, no, it's a surprise. Let's just say you'll find out the
stips of our next match just before it happens, no where in the
contract did it say anything about me giving you any notice.
(BOOOO!)
Stone: Absolutely brilliant.
DrS: Do you notice that you're the only one talking through
what he is saying?
Now as for this match ... this is a joke, a complete joke. Dog, I
told you that you deserved a second of my time for your role in my
loss to Grendel. Now in my *humble* opinion you got that last week.
(BOOOO!)
You see my time is precious and I don't have time to waste on you, but
someone in the main office really doesn't seem to like you as they
decided to schedule a match between the two of us. Dog, i've got you
in my sights because it's obvious by the foaming around your mouth
that you need to be put down, and i'm just the *man* to do it. But,
first I need a volunteer from the audience ...
(Sim walks down the aisle and finds a women with a "Merry Me Chris"
sign, and takes her by the hand and helps her over the guardrail.)
Now here's someone with simply sensational taste. You'll do nicely ...
(Sim hands the women the signs he brought out with him and walks down
to the ring arm in arm with the woman whispering in her ear.)
Cross: I don't like the looks of this...
Stone: This is the thrill of a lifetime for her!!! She's
*touching* the object of her affection. ("The Twelve
Days of Christmas" by Bob and Doug McKenzie starts up)
Wait a minute..what's this? Christmas is *waaay*
over!!!
DrS: Jay Gillette is on his way to the ring..and it looks
as if he's brought some Christmas Cheer..in the
way of Molson Golden!
Stone: Did this guy go to the Simon Sanders school of
e-wrestling for drunks? Granted, he's drinking
Molson, a fine *Canadian* beer...but before a
match!?!!?
Cross: He offers one to Sim, who laughs at him...now he's
offering one to referee Ray Chapman, and "The Rev"
just looks at him....SWEET CHRISTMAS!!! GILLETTE
*SMASHED* THAT BOTTLE ACROSS THE BACK OF SIM'S HEAD!!!
Stone: DISQUALIFY THE MUTT!
DrS: Happened before the bell, there's nothing Sim can
do about it.
CHRIS SIM vs. JAY GILLETTE
This match did *not* last long. Gillette used the fact that Sim
was almost unconscious to go out and proceed to tear apart Sim's
Canadian flag..he pulls a flagpole from under the ring and
punctures a hole in it with it. At this point the woman
that Sim gathered from the audience started flashing the
signs Sim gave her...pictures of a bone, a hydrant, a mailman
(Actually an odd picture of Jon Owens holding a letter and
wearing a mailman's hat). This got Gillette's attention long
enough for Sim to recover somewhat...but Gillette saw Sim
coming when Sim attempted the plancha, and Sim hit the
ground. The brawl from there stayed outside the ring until
Ray Chapman initiated the countout on both men.
#################################
# WINNER: Double Countout, 1:32 #
#################################
Cross: And Chapman calling for the bell in a hurry,
but this one is not over yet....and Brad
Watkins is on his way down, and he tackles
Gillette off of Sim, and Sim is trying to get
out of there as Watkins and Gillette are fighting
it out hammer and tongs.
DrS: Sim's halfway up the ramp...and wait a minute,
the arena just went dark....
Cross: The video screen just came on!!
Stone: Not again....
[cut to Ernie Grendel, sitting out in a park somewhere, surrounded by snow. He
appears to have a pleasant smile on his face - what all can be seen past the hair.]
[Ernie]
[in an infinitely calm voice] Chris Sim... I'm suprised at you. After all your
ranting and raving, you let your concentration slip... But then, I know all too
well that you don't do your best work *during* a match.
[pause. Hey, is that snow falling?]
[Ernie]
So now, you're down 2 matches to me, and one match to Fuego. The good news is,
Fuego only has to beat you twice more to finish his series with you. The bad news is,
there's no end to the number of times I can pin your shoulders to the mat... knock
you to the ground... drive your head into your spine... and break you. Heh.
You don't know me yet... but you will.
[Ernie snaps his hair back, still smiling, and the camera zooms in on
his eyes - one green, one blue, with everything else fading out except
for these words:
Know Grendel.
Know Fear.
and fade out.]
Cross: Sim transfixed...GRENDEL OUT OF NOWHERE!!!!
*HELLACROWDPOP*
DrS: Grendel with a boot to the back of Sim..he had
to have come out from under the ramp...he's
got Sim up...
Cross: Vertical Suplex...no, SUPLEX DRIVER ONTO THE STEEL
RAMP!!!!!! THAT WAS THE "LAWN DART" FOLKS!!!!
Stone: And the little thief out of there fast as Gillette
and Watkins are being broken up by security...
where's Torvald Reikkersen!!! Usually he and Watkins
are inseperable..
Cross: Fans, Sim is *NOT MOVING* Grendel drove Sim
into the steel with that suplex driver..there's
blood all over Sim's forehead...fans, we're gonna
take a break as we sort all of this out...