Have you ever loved someone so much it felt like your heart was going to rip out of your chest and fly away? That it beat for that one someone you love even above yourself?
I have. From the tender age of three I was in love with my precious one, my sweet joy, my Jeffy. But even then I knew what I felt was different, and later I knew it couldn't be. I love Jeff with everything in me and I couldn't do the one thing I wanted above all else, I wanted to tell the world about it.
Jeff's happiness has always been my main concern and when I realized that people were starting to wonder about us I knew what I had to do. I had to break my Jeff's heart to save him from the hard view the world would have on our love. So I told him I wanted something I had no love for. What did I need a wife for? I cook, I clean, I even sew... And children... well it would have been nice to have another Jeffy running around. I had to tell him that I needed more than what we had, but it was a lie.
It was all a lie to save my Jeff from heart ache. A lie I didn't realize had hurt my Jeffy so badly until last week.
******One week Ago
"How's the band going?" I asked Shannon as we were getting ready for a promo.
Shannon's face lit up. "We've finally found some good news. We found this guy to replace Jeff. I mean he's no were near as good but he's better than nothing."
"What' do you mean 'to replace Jeff'?" I looked up from lacing my boots and tried to remember if I had been told anything like that. I knew it hadn't come from Jeff, because we hadn't spoke in months and it was my fault.
Shannon looked confused. "I thought you knew. Jeff quit the band about eight months ago."
I know my eyes were wide. "I thought he quit to spend more time working on it."
"I guess that's just a cover story. He told me and the guys his heart wasn't in the music anymore." the small blond said with a shrug.
I didn't have anymore time to think about it when a stagehand stepped in to tell us it was time for the shoot.
******Present******
Matt knocked softly on the screen door of Jeff's house and was startled when the inner door flew open.
Jeff stood there looking nothing like the last time Matt had seen his brother. His hair was pure undyed blond. His beloved shaved in curls were gone and he was clean shaven. And instead of his usually comfortable, yet still wild, home clothes were replaced with a pare of fitted blue jeans.
"May I help you?" his voice had the same quality as his eyes. Both were dead.
"I just wanted to check on you. See if-" Jeff stopped Matt in mid-sentence.
"I'm fine. Thanks for dropping by." With that Jeff closed the door in Matt's face and the recognizable sound of a lock snicking into place could be heard.
Matt could only stare at the door in shock. When had his Jeffy turned cold?
//He's not your Jeffy anymore.// A little voice inside him spoke softly.
Sighing Matt started to turn and go, but then that voice spoke up again. //You can' t leave him here like this. Go, find out what's wrong. Don't leave him alone right now.//
With resolve Matt searched until he found his brother's hidden spare key and let himself into the house.
Inside he found it neater than he had seen it since he had moved out.
Witty ran to greet him and Matt couldn't help but pick the prairie dog up and cuddle him for a moment.
"I see nothing's sacred anymore. Even a locked door. What do you want, Matt?" Jeff asked from the hall way where he stood watching Matt with Witty.
"I wanted to see how you were doing. Why didn't you tell me you had quit the band?" Matt asked setting Witty down and facing his brother.
"Didn't think you would care. If that's it, you can show yourself out." Jeff turned and walked down the hall. Matt was only a few steps behind him.
"Why would I care? I'm your brother." Silently Matt tacked on 'and your former lover'.
Jeff snorted as he walked into his bedroom and fell onto his bed.
Matt glanced around and his eyebrows furrowed. "Why are you sleeping in here?" This was one of the spare rooms. Matt had thought Jeff was still using the master bedroom they had shared when they had still been together.
"Cause I feel like it." Jeff rolled over and pulled his CD player onto the bed with him.
Matt was almost growling as Jeff put his ear phones in and turned away from him. Just as Matt was going to walk away Jeff pulled out one of the ear phones. "If you're going to stick around, go see if there's anything you can cook for supper."
Jeff popped the ear phone back in and went back to ignoring Matt, who stared at him wondering at his audacity before stomping off to see if there was anything for him to cook.
***
Jeff sat up when he smelled something cooking.
"He's cooking?" Jeff stood up and threw off his head set before going to see what Matt was doing.
Matt was quietly humming to himself as he cooked. //Just like he use to when he was here.// Jeff thought as he watched Matt kinda of bouncing in time with what ever he was singing.
"I'm making chicken. It was the only thing I could salvage from your freezer, when was the last time you cleaned it out?" Matt asked when he noticed Jeff standing in the door way.
"I don't know." Jeff said as he went to get a soda from the refrigerator.
"Probably when I did it." Matt muttered as he continued to turn the chicken in the skillet.
"Probably." Jeff turned and was about to walk away when a sharp pain ran through his chest. "Shit."
Matt turned as Jeff fell to his knees holding his right side at his ribs. "Jeffy?"
Matt ran to Jeff as the blond started to tip over. He tried to whisper his brother's name, but Jeff only got out, "Ma-" before passing out.
*****
The next hour was filled with flashing lights and paramedics asking what happened.
Then Matt was sitting in the waiting room wondering what had just happened. His baby brother couldn't be leaving him. It wasn't suppose to go this way. Matt had broke up so that Jeff could have an almost normal life. Not one that was cut off way too soon. Then Matt remembered all the things he had said to make Jeff believe he wanted to end it. That being with Jeff wasn't what he wanted. And Matt realized that he had robbed them both of what could have been Jeff's last years. He had taken everything from Jeff and now Jeff was going away forever. //What did I do? Was it that I loved him too much? Not enough? Did I forget something I shouldn't have? Whatever I did... please forgive me... Don't take my Jeff from me... I can't like without him!// Matt's mind screamed to any who were listening to the silent prayer.
Shannon and Shane came running in, having heard what had happened from a friend.
"Matt! What's going on?" Shannon demanded as he dropped next to Matt on the couch.
"I don't know... I was cooking and Jeff was getting a soda... Then Jeff was on the floor holding his chest... I can't lose him, Shanny... How the hell am I suppose to live without my soul?" Matt turned and started sobbing into Shannon's shoulder.
"It's gonna be okay, Matty." Shannon hugged Matt and hoped he wasn't lying.
It seemed like forever before the doctor came out with news.
"Mr. Matthew Hardy?"
Matt jumped at his name and launched himself at the doctor. "Yeah? Is Jeff okay? When can I see him?"
"Your brother is fine. He had a small blood clot in his right lung, fortunately we caught it in time that it could be taken care of with some blood thinners. He should be out and back to his normal self in a few weeks. In fact I don't think he'll need more than two nights here before I could send him home. He's a very lucky young man. If that had broken loose into his blood stream it could have killed him. As to when you can see him, I'll show you back right now."
Matt sighed and after hugging Shannon one last time he followed the doctor eager to see how his Jeffy was.
******
Jeff lay in the hospital bed looking so pale that at first Matt was afraid the doctor had lied to him, but then Jeff opened his green eyes and smiled at Matt.
"Did I scare ya'?" he asked through the oxygen mask.
"Badly... Please don't ever do that again, Jeffy." Matt said as he took Jeff's hand and pressed a little kiss to the back of it.
Jeff stared at him for a moment then closed his eyes not wanting to admit that this was only brotherly concern, not the care of a lover.
"No... don't close me out..." Matt all but begged.
Jeff opened his eyes weakly and watched Matt fumble for his words. "I lied... I didn't want to leave you... I just wanted you to be happy and to have everything I could give you... Including a normal life... I didn't mean any of it. I swear."
The blond's eyes went wide as he tried to take in what Matt had stuttered to tell him. "You... love me still?"
"God Jeffy, I could never not love you. From the moment I seen you I loved you. As you got older it changed, but I always loved you..." Matt took his other hand with one he already had. "I'm sorry. I love you, Jeff. Please, don't ever believe anything else."
"I only wanted you. Since when did I ever want normal?" Jeff asked as he squeezed Matt's hand looking into those loving chocolate brown eyes.
Matt sniffled a little as he laughed. "Never... You only wanted me... I'm sorry... And if you'll let me I'll spend the rest of my life proving it."
Jeff shook his head. "Forget it... Just don't leave me again."
"Long as I have a say in it I'll stay right here." Matt kissed Jeff's cheek beside the breathing mask and then smiled gently. "You get some rest. You need it."
"You'll be here when I wake up?"
"If I'm not you have every right to have Shane and Shannon beat me to a pulp." Matt brushed a hand through Jeff's hair and smiled when he finally closed his eyes.
"I'm holding you to that." Jeff murmured before falling into a deep sleep.
**** Matt's POV
It's been four weeks since Jeff got out of the hospital, three weeks since I moved back into our home, and one week since Jeff and I moved into our bedroom. I don't want to rush this. I want him to know that this is a forever kind of thing.
He's almost completely well now and in a month he's going to start getting ready to return to the wrestling world. And I've already told the company that we're staying together no matter what or we both walk, with a lot of our friends with us. It was easy to convince them to put that into our contracts when Linda stepped in and told the lawyers we had every right to stay together.
Now Jeff and I are sitting on the porch of our home watching the North Carolina sunset. I still don't know why I forced him away from, but all I know for a fact is that I've been forgiven. By whatever higher power is watching over us and by Jeffy. And that's what matters most to me, my Jeffy forgave me.
