Have you ever been so tired that you just wish you could lat down and sleep? That for just one moment the world and it's problems were gone? And in that moment you were completely free?
I have. For the last year it seems like no matter much I sleep I am never rested. I feel like I'm walking around in a haze.
I can even trace it back tot when that fog started rolling on my mind.
It was the night my Matty told me goodbye.
****One Year Ago****
As soon as Jeff walked in the house he and Matt shared he knew something was wrong. When he walked into their bedroom he knew.
Matt was packing his things.
"What's going on, Matty?" Jeff asked his eyes taking in all of the packed clothes.
"We can't do this any more, Jeff. It's wrong and we both know it." Matt murmured without looking up.
"What do you mean?" Jeff's voice had a faint quality as he moved closer to his brother.
"This was never what I wanted... I wanted a wife and kids... Not a relationship I had to hide from everyone. I'm doing this for both our sakes, Jeff. You and I can find people we can spend our days with not just the nights. I love you, Jeff... and because of that I'm being strong and saying goodbye." Matt closed the bag he was finished packing and gave Jeff a sad smile.
"But what if I want to spend all my days and nights with you?" Jeff asked through the haze that was forming in the back of his mind.
Matt's sad smile turned bitter at Jeff's words. "It doesn't matter... we can't."
Matt waited for some sort of reply but Jeff just stood there with this dazed look on his face.
Sighing the elder brushed a kiss over Jeff's cheek before gathering his things and leaving.
****Present****
And he never looked back. I don't know how long I stood there, but I came back to myself I knew Matt was gone for good... Oh we still worked together and traveled together, but my Matty was gone and stiff, stern Matt was left in his place.
From there things took a downward spiral. Soon we weren't working together or traveling together. The final blow came when he didn't even acknowledge me in the airport a week ago.
I know I'd been neglecting things, like showing up on time to work or even showing up at all, but even I took time to greet people I know.
So on that note I called Linda and asked to be released from my contract.
She was nice and asked why. I told her the first thing that came to my mind. I was wanting to devote more time to my band and to heal.
Within the day I was released from the contract and free of it's weight.
But I had a problem. I told her I was going to work on my band but there was no band to work on. I had left Shannon and the guys because I couldn't focus on the music anymore.
I guess my heart wasn't in it, but then how could it be? When Matt walked away he had taken my heart with him.
So that brings me to today. I'm sitting at home with nothing to do and only my creatures to keep me company.
I wonder what sin I committed to bring this on myself. I knew it's not loving Matt. Momma taught us love was never wrong, but if that wasn't it... then what was?
