EndTimes

Like most fockers, Raoul and I never thought that our past would come back to haunt us.

Not now. Not like this.

While gracing the halls of a nearby AMC-60 theater, the two of us evildoers, along with our female companions, had finally settled in for our first screening of ********** (Editor's Note: That movie rocked.). Continuing a reminiscent conversation from the concession line, Raoul and I intently proceeded to regale the ladies with our past tales of theater-based vengeance.

"So there we were, waiting for Dungeons and Dragons to finally start, when these two Jesus freaks assaulted us with their fascist handiwork," Raoul began.

"They were dealt with in a displeasing manner," I nodded, "but it was justified. And the people loved us for it. If it were not for the demon G'ore bestowing us with these power amulets, we might have been...converted!"

"Yes," Raoul concurred stroking his amulet fondly. "Thank the box of Captain Crunch had two inside!"

"Yes, Chet and Todd were sent to meet their boss...the big guy..."

"Ronald McDonald?" Raoul asked innocently.

"No," I spouted as I bitch-slapped the simp.

I failed to notice as I bragged on our evil-fueled mayhem that my young escort began to grow red with anger.

Just gas, I thought.

Raoul's date giggled. "What else have you two gotten into...when you aren't male modeling like you said?"

"Oh!" Said I, laughing already. "There was the time we were about to see Crouching Tiger...and the shaft slide came up..."

Raoul smiled, "Yeah, we were stuck behind a troupe of lard-swilling, brainless Who Wants to be a Hundred-aire? rejects. The preshow slide-projector got stuck on a picture of Samuel L. Jackson. Shaft himself."

I smiled eagerly, waiting for him to continue.

"My boy Logan had to deal with an usher first, but we mopped the floor with the herd of mules behind us."

In horror, Raoul's whore-like companion shuddered and spat out a small, timid question. "D...did you even stay for the movie."

"No...?" we answered in unison. Raoul completed the reply with, "The screen was kind of...on fire..."

Suddenly, the two of us were hit with a strange realization. Our dates were both glowing with a white aura. In fear, my companion and I reached out and clung to each other.

"Dude...I don't do that gay shit," Raoul said with a frown.

Pushing him back into his stadium seat, I shook myself off. Then it happened. Our dates transformed into a pair of glowing white angels. With a loud echoing voice, the first (my former date) spoke. "I am the angel of vengeance. You smote down two innocent souls, and I have come to bring the wrath of Purity upon you!"

I froze in my cowardice. Looking to Raoul, I was astonished as he inquired of his "date", "What about you?"

"Me?" she replied nonchalantly. "I just work fof Shaft international. My boss was furious that you sullied the good name of the franchise."

It was odd how a PR chick would happen to have the same powers as the Angel of Vengeance.

"Eh... what ya gonna do...?" I said to Raoul with a mock Italian accent, arms raised.

Bearing down on us with a fiery blade of truth (+2 versus demons) the Angel spoke again. "Prepare to meet your doom, foolish heathens!"

Drawing on our evil powers, Raoul and I were immediately protected with a shield of dark energy, as we were slowly levitated into the air. The audeince around is in the theater simply sat in awe. Except for one kid, who ran out of the theater leaving a puddle in his seat.

(It's not what you think. He spilled his Coke. Raoul probably thought it was pee, but we didn't have time to discuss it, as you'll see...)

The Angel furiously hacked away at our inferior demonic barrier, until our protection was no more. The chick from the Shaft films was strangely gone. Something about having to go pee. Anyway, the Angel of vengeance (Bermuda, if one were to go by her nametag), slashed across Raoul's girly chest with burning swiftness. He screamed as he fell back onto the ground below.

I drew a bottle from my pocket in the chaos, and threw it at the Angel, watching as the glass container shattered and the watery contents spilled all over our foe. She hissed.

"Heh," I chortled, stooping down to help the wounded Raoul up. "Holy water...he heh."

Raoul could only look at me with a look of sheer disgust, at having thrown holy water on an angel. "Maybe she was cut by the glass?" he quipped.

I was felled by a blade that dug deep into my back. Raoul leapt into the air, with newfound strength. With an unparalleled power and speed, his lightning fast reflexes could not be stopped. Launching a powerful kick attack, he prepared to bring the angel down.

Unfortunately, he was cut clean through from toe to elbow. Landing on both side of me, his took his parting breath. "Logan..." he whispered.

In a dramatic moment, I paused to hear my friend's farewell.

"Don't have sex with my corpse."

With that, he expired.

Rolling painfully over, I felt my own death approaching. Looking up to see the magnificent holy warrior, I offered a final threat.

"You...you may have defeated us...but...there will always be...SEQUELS!"

And I died. Yup.

The angel vanished into the air above, most likely bumping her head on the ceiling. The theater was quiet. People awoke from their trance, and thought about leaving. But then they remembered just how long they had to wait in line for tickets.

The pre-show countdown began, and people stepped around our lifeless bodies. One propped his feet up on Raoul's back. I think I may have laughed.

Walking past our dead remains happened a small boy with his slightly older sister. They boy just kicked my head, but his sister saw something more.

"Look, Arnie!" she whispered, keeping her voice low as the trailer for Double Take 2 began. "Amulets of the demon G'ore! We can take their powers!"

Placing the bejewled devices around their necks, the boy noted something odd. "Look sis, these guys died because they didn't have the amulets turned on!"

He flipped a small switch on the underside, with his sister following suit.

Both radiated an evil, evil glow. Their eyes glistened red. Their teeth became long and sharp ('Cept for the boy, he had the two front ones missing). Demonic power surged through their fragile little bodies. They received other powers as well. Like the boy can now cause earthquakes, and his sister has the gift of reading roadmaps.

Alas, our legacy was not dead afterall.

Of course, WE WERE. Dead as can be. So I can't be sure of this last part being fully true. But everything else... heck yeah! Would we lie? No. We are good boys. Er... were.

THE END?