Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".  "Why is that?" said the other bum.  "Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20 bill.  I went into town and bought me a case of Thunderbird wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world.  I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum.  "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"  "Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."

    _______
 

The Hunchback of NoterDame had never had sex in his life. All he knew was what he read from discarded magazines and pictures. After saving pennies and nickels he thought he had enough to hire the services of a prostitute. One night, very late, he came out of the bell tower and found an old hooker standing on the corner looking for a trick. The Hunchback approached her and made his proposition. The hooker had not turned a trick all night and needed the money. He was so horrid looking that the hooker thought she could go through with it as long as she kept her eyes closed and fantasized about someone else. She took him to a barn and started to go at it with her eyes closed imagining a handsome lover. The Hunchback had his eyes closed also and imagined who knows what as he lustfuly thrust himself on her. The hooker was pinched by a sharp piece of straw on the barn floor and opened her eyes for a moment and got a look at the disgusting site on top of her. She couldn't help getting sick all over the hunchback. The Hunchback jumped up and exclaimed; "Did you just get sick?" to which she replied "Yes". And he replied "thank goodness, I thought you broke open my hump!".

    _______
 

Two guys were hunting and got seperated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log he soon fell a sleep.

Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap.

A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!"

"Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of GOD and a greasy stick I would never have gotten 'em back in."

    _______
 

Gay walks into a bar, walks up to one guy and says "I`ll give you $20 bucks if you let me screw you up the butt!" The guy cringes and says "Fricking homo! Get out of my face!"

Gay goes to the next guy, offers the same thing. Guy says "Man, go away, you make me sick."

Gay comes to a whino at the end of the bar, offers the same thing. Whino says "Wella Okay" and stumbles out the back door.

Gay proceeds to screw the whino up the butt when all of a sudden the whino shits all over the gay guy. I mean, the stuff is running EVERYwhere...

Gay jumps back and says "Shit Man!! what the hell did you do THAT for?

Whino says innocently "What? I cum too soon?"

    _______
 

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

    _______
 

There were four guys who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. They were from Harvard, Yale, MIT, and Texas A&M. The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told the men that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day, the first applicant called in was from Harvard. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the young man from Yale, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

The young man paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked him, then called in the next person.

The young man from MIT was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity. Why? Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the young man from Texas A&M was called in. He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps, and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS, it cut loose!"

(He got the job....)

    _______
 

What's the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarreah?

One shucks between fits...

    _______
 

One day two drunks are standing on the corner of a busy street. One of them is bent over and the other has his finger up  the other drunks ass. A cop sees the two of them and runs over to stop what there doing.

"What the hell are you doing with your finger up his ass? yells the cop.

"I'm trying to make him puke!" says the drunk.

"Well, you won't make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass", the cop says.

"I will when I stick it in his mouth", says the drunk.

    _______
 

A guy's driving along the highway one evening when all of a sudden nature calls. He sees a little roadhouse up the way and he pulls into the parking lot.

When he gets inside, he finds the place is packed! The bar is crowded with people trying to get drinks, ladies are dancing on the tables and there's hardly standing room anywhere.

The guy scans the place a couple of times to find the restrooms, but to no avail. Finally, he spots a small stairway and scrambles up.

When he gets to the top, he discovers that all the doors are locked. All but one. When he opens the door, all he sees is a big hole in the floor. Desperate, he drops his drawers and dumps the biggest load he's ever had right there in the hole.

Relieved, he calmly walks down the stairs. The once crowded barroom is completely empty, not a soul was in sight. Slowly, a bartender rises from behind the bar.

"What happened!?!" says the guy.

The bartender responds "Where were you when the shit hit the fan?!"

    _______
 

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.

"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped."

    _______
 

Two men walked into the men's restroom.  One man said to the other, "Gee I really need to go to the bathroom, but there is no toilet tissue, toweling, etc.  What am I supposed to wipe myself with?"  The other man said to him, "I guess you will have to use a dollar." and left.

The other man, who needed to go thought, "This is just great."  A little while later the man walked out of the restroom covered in poop.  When he saw the other man that had been in the restoom that told him to use a dollar, the man said "What happened to you?"

He replied, "It's not easy wiping yourself with three quarters, two dimes and a nickel."
 
    _______
 

This guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender $500 he can whistle dixie out his ass. The bartender says "You're on".

The guy then pulls down his pants and shits on the bar. The bartender says "Why on earth did you do that for?"

The guy says, "Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he sings."

    _______
 

Patient: "Doctor, you've gotta help me! I eat apples, and apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, and bananas come out!"

Doctor: "That's easy. Eat shit."
 
    _______
 

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "Pity she's a man."

The man is shocked. "No way!!" he says.

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is disappointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact, a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a conversation. They hit it off really well and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long, the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

Before long, they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. They continue the 'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance!" says the man. "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is" So, he walks into the woods, ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Oh, God! She's got a dick!" he thinks to himself. "She's a man."

The man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

"And I didn't know you were taking a dump." the man replied.

    _______
 

One day, a farmer discovered that his prize breeding bull had become cross-eyed.  He called the vet to see if anything could be done to correct this problem.

The vet advised him to insert a tube into the bull's rectum and blow until the bull's eyes straightened out.  He warned that this would work only temporarily, and also he advised the farmer to sell the bull, since his offspring could also become cross-eyed.

The farmer advertised the bull for sale and used the tube to straighten the bull's eyes as he waited for the potential buyer. Just as the buyer arrived, he noticed the bull's eyes had crossed again.  He called out to his farm hand, "Quick! Blow in the tube!"  He watched with disbelief as his employee pulled out the tube, reversed it and blew into it.

After the bull was sold and the farmer and the farm hand was alone, the farmer asked, "Why did you swap ends with that tube?"

His helper replied, "You don't think I'd put my mouth on that tube after you used it, do you?"