And you can pick your friends
But you sure as heck can't pick your friend's nose.
Don't sweat the petty things;
and don't pet the sweaty things.
When I die, I want to leave peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Women need a reason to have sex -- men just need a place.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
Friends are gods way of apologizing to us for our families.
A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop
Labels belong on soup cans, not people
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
When things are going bad, just remember: If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
When the cat’s away, the mice will fuck.
My husband said that if i didnt stop shopping he would divorce me lord I’ll miss that man
"Friends are like condoms. They protect you when life gets hard
When someone says the last thing they want to do is hurt you, it just means they have other things to do first.
Kids in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause kids
Shit happens, it's caused by assholes
Trying to control a teen is like trying to put pants on a gorilla. It's just going to frustrate you and really annoy the gorilla.
Love is like piss natural, irrational, and very important.
Don't hold gravity responsible for people falling in love
Love can be magic, but magic can sometimes be illusions.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
Love is blind till it hits you upside your head
A heart is not a plaything, a heart is not a toy. But if you want it broken, just give it to a boy.
Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence. In her first passion, a woman loves her lover, in all the others all she loves is love.
Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship, never.
You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.
Guys are like like roses, watch out for the pricks!
you're a toaster that's all you'll ever be a fucking toaster
Sex: The world's easiest jigsaw puzzle
