Reflections of a trip home (

Reflections of a trip home (25 May 2000)

I went home today. I went back to the place I grew up, took a look around. Went back to the woods where I used to hide myself. Even though I didn't go inside, I saw the house where I grew up, the window next to where the bed my father died in had been. I saw the windows that used to be my bedroom. I walked through the greenhouses that my father and I maintained where we grew plants that we sold in our family business. I walked back to the garden where we used to grow the vegetables that we sold in front of the house. I remembered the time I sprained my ankle jumping out of the trailer when we were picking pumpkins. I remember too much.

I went back to that special spot in the woods where I used to talk to God for hours. (It was hard to find, but it was still there.) I saw the house that my ex-partner and I bought (or tried to buy, and lsot), and saw how the trees we only paid a few dollars for had grown. I went home today because I felt I needed to. Things are so different there now, so very different. The trees I climbed in are gone. The barbeque we used to cook on in the summer is gone (it was made of limestone). The ladnscape has changed so much. So much of it is gone now. I remembered how nicely the neighbors used to keep the path that led to my 'special spot in the woods' nicely mowed, and how well my dad used to get along with everyone that lived around us.

Dad died in December of 1995, and in the fall of 1996, my mother sold the property to someone who would continue the business (neither her, nor I wanted to, it just wasn't the same without dad). I felt like a failure, even though my mother had told me that dad knew I wouldn't keep the business going. (I do take heart in knowing that someone else is running the business so dad's dream wouldn't die.) I have accomplished much in the last 3 and a half years, it doesn't seem like it, especially as I sit here unemployed.

I sometimes wonder if dad would be proud of me going to college, even though I did put it off for 16 years. I wonder if he would have supported my decision to go into gay-positive ministry. I think too much. I walked back to the front yard where the flowers were, and talked to a friend of mine who was watering. We were discussing religion. (What else does a Christian Thought Major talk about?) He said some very interesting things.

I said that I kept asking God, 'if that part of my life is over, what's next?' I don't like not knowing what's going to happen in the future. It seems kind of unsetteling... my friend's answer was interesting.. He asked me 'why are you worried about the future? focus on right now.'

I can't go back where I was. I can't be that kid who used to run out to the greenhouse and smoke so mom and dad wouldn't find out. I can't hide in those woods anymore. That secret place is kept away from me. I can't worry about what happened to me all those years ago. Things are different now. God is leading in new directions, helping me through school, sending me people who will be supportive of my efforts, and I thank Him for all that He has done for me, and I thank Him that as I continue in the path He has laid out for me that He will not leave my side... I may not be able to go back to my past, but with God's help, even if I am unsure or fearful of my future, with Him at my side, I can go forward.. Sorry this was so long, Thanks for letting me ramble.. sometimes we just need to, I guess... This has been an interesting day, and I just wanted to share it.

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