~* "La Piraja" *~

Full Cast:

Gooey/Pandora
Sally the Drunken Truck Driver
Randy Roddy the Castrotti who knows Karate
Mr. Jones
Mr. Smith
Flack
Mr. Machmoomuhammed-ishpan
Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe
Dr. Pornographis
Scrotum Bill
Josephus the Midget
Steve
Long Dong Silver
Barnacle Bill
Captain Pirate
Violent Chang
Malicious Chibi
Expendable Tai Long
Wench
Stumpy Pete
Sara
Snorkel Dude
The Flasher
Milkman Dan the Male Lactation Man
WienerBrow
U.N. Ambassador
Brazillian Ambassador
Russian Technician
Greg Crowe
Pirate #1
Pirate #2
Father
Mother
Daughter
Fat Lobster Man
Lobster Man Two
Guards
Lab Worker
Chippendales
Debauchery Ned
Gambling Pirate #1
Gambling Pirate #2
Gambling Pirate #3
Nasty Pirate Prostitute #1
Nasty Pirate Prostitute #2
Nasty Pirate Prostitute #3
Nasty Pirate Gigolo #1
Nasty Pirate Gigolo #2
Stupid Pirate Hussy
Ninja Goon #1
Ninja Goon #2
Ninja Goon #3
Elderly Pirate Grandma
Reporter #1



Scene Appendix
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Introduction
Scene I: The Fated Woods of the Dew Worms
Scene II: Gooey Wanders the Streets
Scene III: Sally's Place
Scene IV: Young Pandora's Childhood Montage
Scene V: 10 Years Later
Scene VI: In Struts Scrotum Bill
Scene VII: Suits
Scene VIII: Back to that Mysterious Man with his Scrotum in the
	Wheelbarrow
Scene IX: Normals
Scene X: The Pirate Bar "Debauchery Ned's"
Scene XI: Ambush
Scene XII: Ninja Press Conference
Scene XIII: Pandora Sneaks off
Scene XIV: The Offices of Machmoomuhammed-ishpan and Associates
Scene XV: Scrotum Bill's Fortress of BenGay
Scene XVI: She's a Wench!
Scene XVII: Pirates Attack in the Night
Scene XVIII: A Bounty on my Head and Dan's Furious Nipples
Scene XIX: Storming the Bastille
Scene XX: Catharsis



Discography
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Scene V: "I am so Lonely"
Scene VI: "Scrotum Bill's First Song"
Scene VII: "Pirate and Ninja DNA Just Don't Splice"
Scene XV: "Fortress of BenGay Theme"
Scene XVI: "She's a Wench"
Scene XIX: "Scrotum Bill's Country Anthem"



Introduction
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Narrator - The year is 1969. The world as we knew it was engulfed
in a terrible war. The turmoil between Brazil and the rest of the
world escalated to the breaking point.


<"Triumph of the Will" footage insert>



Narrator - Both sides deadlocked; they had no other alternative
but to launch their secret weapons upon their enemies... Brazil
and its "Ahoy Matey" missile and the rest of the world with its
"Ninja Bomb of Death". Unfortunately, our Russian allies made a
grievous error...



Russian Technician - (subtitled) Shit.





Narrator - The dreaded "Ahoy Matey" missile and its ninja
counterpart changed the face of humanity as we knew it. Innocent
civilians across the globe turned into pirates or ninjas.



Narrator - It was inevitable that a violent rivalry would arise
between pirate and ninja. Why you may ask? Because they're
pirates and ninjas. What are you? Stupid?



Pirate - Nyargh! 'Tis a trap!





Pirate #2 - Nyargh! So, you think that's funny, eh matey?  Nyargh! Ha-HAR!









Narrator - Which brings us to the saviour of us all. "La Piraja",
whose courage and determination finally brought the pirate-ninja
war to a bloody close. Now sit back and relax as Pandora reveals
her amazing story. "La Piraja", the Pirate-Ninja!



Scene I: The Fated Woods of the Dew Worms
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Stumpy Pete - Shh! Shh! Quick, this way!

Sara - Where are we going, Darling?

Stumpy Pete - Over here! Over here! Hurry!

Sara - Do we really have to do this? Abandoning our only daughter?

Stumpy Pete -  Nyargh! Pirates don't cry!  Nyargh! That was my good one, too!

Sara - 

Stumpy Pete - This looks like a good spot.  



Sara - Will I ever see you again?

Stumpy Pete - For your sake, I hope not. 





<"Cape Fear" music>











Pandora - They left me for dead in a hole in the ground. It was
then that I was at my most vulnerable.



Pandora - (voice over) Then the dew worms came. 





Pandora - (voice over) They showed me their ways. 



Pandora - (voice over) They called me "Gooey".  My happy childhood days would soon come to a close.
Unaware that even among the ranks of the worms, there was turmoil.











Pandora - (voice over) Abandoned and confused, I forgot what my
worm siblings had taught me. I became a savage. Wild and out of
control, I had to hunt big game to survive.





Scene II: Gooey Wanders the Streets
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Pandora - (voice over) Wandering the night, my life would take an 
auspicious turn in the form of Sally. The Drunken Truck Driver.



Sally - Hey there darlin', what's a purdy little thing like you
doing in these here parts?





Young Pandora - 

Sally - Whoa nelly! That's sure some funny talkin' there, missy!

Young Pandora - 

Sally - Whoa nelly! 

Young Pandora - 



Sally - Move over, Steve.

Steve - Okay.









Scene III: Sally's Place
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Randy - 



Randy - Hi, Dad. Hi, Steve.

Steve - Hey.

Randy - Who's that?

Sally - (to Young Pandora) You know, what -is- your name?

Young Pandora - 

Sally - That's a head-scratcher.

Randy - Hungry? I made some noodles. 











Steve - I made the bed.

Sally - Thanks Steve.

Steve - No problem.







Steve - What?

Sally - Uh... nevermind.

Steve -  Well, I'm going to leave now. Do you want me to
pick you up anything? Menthols? Marshmallow?

Sally - No thanks.

Steve - Okay. See ya! 



Randy - I wanted a marshmallow...





Scene IV: Young Pandora's Childhood Montage
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Scene V: 10 Years Later
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Sally - Come here for a second, Pandora. I have to talk to ya.



Pandora - Yes, pa. 

Sally - Oh Pandora! You have grown up so much, this is so hard for
me to say...

Pandora - What's the matter, pa?





Sally - I think you're old enough to hear this. I found you. Out
on the highway. You tried to eat my truck... Steve was there too.

Steve - Are you sure you don't want this umbrella?

Sally - No, we're fine Steve.



Flipper Dude - Look at those two over there. Sally must really 
love Pandora to tell her that. 





Cardboard Bus - Beep beep!

Flipper Dude - Oops! There's my ride. See you all later! 



Sally - Pandora! Wait! Come back here!

Pandora - No! This can't be true!


Pandora's Song "I am so Lonely"

	It can't be true, this cant be possible.
	My family, or so I thought, must be full of bull
	I am Pandora, daughter of Sally
	Sister of Randy, a good friend of Stevie
	Yet I am alone

	Under this tree, I will keep weeping.
	Be cause I'm afraid, Because he was keeping.
	The truth of my life, my family tree,
	my roots and my background, hidden from me
	And I am Alone

	I must be brave through this, I must try.
	To gather my thoughts, and try not to cry.
	Accept myself, accept my past.
	Movin' on forward, step by step...
	And not be alone

	Mom... Dad... I'm coming to find you!



Scene VI: In Struts Scrotum Bill
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Pandora - Wh-what is that sound?



"Scrotum Bill's First Tune" (Shaft)

	Who's that unattractive Caucasian male dragging round
		them nads?
	"Bill!"
	Scrotum Bill
	
	Sure, kinda looks like he's got elephantiasis. But he
		doesn't
	"Bill!"
	Can you dig it?

	Ain't no ice-pack big enough to ease the pain of them
		balls
	"Bill!"
	Ooh, baby

	He's packing fifty pounds of meat between his knees
	"Bill!"
	Uh-huh

	If you mess with Scrotum Bill, he's gonna blow his
	load... your way
	





Scene VII: Suits
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Mr. M - Mr. Jones. Mr. Smith. Hey Steve.

Steve - Hey.

Mr. M - Report.

Mr. Smith - Sir. Follow me.  You too, Steve.

Steve - Okay.



Mr. M - How goes our... project?

Mr. Jones - See for yourself.



Mr. M - 

Mr. Jones - Um... Sorry sir. Wrong experiment. That's a little
something we're doing on the side. 

Guards - 

Mr. Smith - Over here, sir.  I believe you
know our research department head, Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe.

Lobster Man Two - A pleasure as always, sir.

Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe - Um... I'm right here.

Mr. Smith - Then who's this? 

Lobster Man Two - 

Mr. Jones -  We have an escaped prisoner... Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Yes. I love you too. 

Dr. Murkwurkdigliebe -  And you all remember my 
assistant, Dr. Pornographis?

Dr. Pornographis - Mmhmm. 

Mr. Jones - 

    Source: geocities.com/ed_the_fairy_godbastard