*****

After breakfast Spike took himself off to the study, telling Xander that he had to work for a couple of hours.  Xander couldn't help the feeling of disappointment that rose within him when Spike told him firmly that he needed some privacy. Having spent little time on his own since moving in, he found himself feeling a little lost.  There was housework to do, of course, so he decided he might as well get on with it.  He started a load of laundry, changed the bed and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.  With only the two of them in the apartment, however, it didn't take long to do the chores, and Spike was still firmly ensconced behind the closed door of the study when Xander had finished.

Xander sighed, and decided to amuse himself by looking through the CD and DVD collections in the living room.  He really hadn't had time for more than a cursory glance before.  He was pleased to discover a really good mix of comedies, action movies and pornography, 'something for every occasion', he thought to himself.  The cover of one of the porno DVD's caught his eye - a blond was leaning against a wall while a dark-haired guy was blowing him.  Mental images of sucking Spike off caught Xander by surprise, and before he really thought about what he was doing, the DVD was playing and he was slouched on the couch, remote in hand, watching it.

It was obviously an expensive movie.  There wasn't any of the cheesy dialogue and lousy photography that usually characterised these things.  This one looked like it had been professionally made.  The music and lighting were good, and the guys starring in the movie were gorgeous.  Xander found himself mesmerised as he watched the dark haired man licking and sucking the blond, remembering how Spike's cock felt in his mouth, down his throat as he swallowed around it.  He felt himself growing hard, and he wanted his lover, now.  But Spike had made it clear he needed to be undisturbed; that he was doing something important for both of them, though Xander had no idea what that could be.

Xander's train of thought was totally derailed as the images on the screen drew his attention again.  The brunet was still kneeling in front of the blond, but he now had his hands tied behind his back.  The blond's cock was almost as big as Spike's, and Xander watched avidly as the blond held the dark head firmly and slowly pushed his cock in, deeper and deeper, until the brunet's face was pressed hard against the blond curls at his crotch.  He slowly withdrew, and the brunet gasped for breath before the cock was pushed back down his throat again.  After a couple of minutes of this, the brunet was struggling and gasping for air, the cock that was cutting off his breathing being held down his throat for longer and longer.  By now, Xander had his cock out and was stroking it firmly, his eyes never leaving the screen.  An image of himself, bound and on his knees, with Spike's cock thrust down his throat, struggling vainly for air rose unbidden before his eyes and he came, gasping and shuddering, pumping himself.  Xander slumped bonelessly, panting hard.  After a minute or two he grabbed some tissues to clean himself up.  I am one sick puppy, he thought, thinking about how much the idea of Spike doing that to him had excited him.  In fact it was still exciting him, and so he thought, what the hell, I'm gonna get Spike.

He got up and went to the study.  Something made him knock rather than just walk straight in, and he opened the door when he heard Spike call out, "Yeah, come on in, Xan."  Spike hit a button on the computer and then swivelled around in his chair to face Xander.  Spike sniffed the air delicately, and a lascivious smile crept across his face.  "So, what have you been up to, pet?" he said.  Xander walked slowly towards Spike, saying, "I did some housework, y'know, and when I'd finished, I thought I'd watch a movie."  When he reached Spike, he dropped to his knees and Spike spread his legs.  Xander placed his hands on Spike's thighs and leaned forward, using his teeth to pull open the button on Spike's jeans and then to pull down the zipper, very slowly, making sure he licked the now turgid flesh that was oh so gradually being released.  Gotta love those vamp reflexes.  "Fuck, Xan," gasped Spike, "good movie, was it?"

"Uh huh," breathed Xander, as he finally eased the zip all the way down.  Spike raised himself up off the chair slightly as Xander pulled his jeans down further.  "I was watching this movie," said Xander in between long licks up the length of Spike's cock, "where this guy was blowing his lover," more long licks, "and it reminded me of us.  Especially when he did this..." and then he deep throated Spike, who groaned loudly and thrust upwards helplessly into the hot wetness.  Xander swallowed around the hard length, then slowly pulled his mouth away.  "Then what happened, Xan?" asked Spike, hoarsely.  Xander nudged Spike, making him stand up.  "Lean against the desk, Spike, you need to be standing up for the next part," he said. 

Once Spike was standing, Xander took Spike's hands and placed them on his head.  Spike ran his fingers through Xander's soft brown waves and looked down at him questioningly.   "Then," he said huskily, "his lover began to fuck his face, really slowly, going as deep as he could."  Xander took hold of Spike's cock and opened his mouth, placing the tip between his lips.  He then wrapped his arms around Spike's ass and slowly sank down, taking as much of his lover down his throat as he could.  Spike's hands tightened in his hair, and he growled deep in his throat.  He tightened his grip on Xander's head and pulled almost all the way out, leaving just the tip of his cock between Xander's lips.  He tilted Xander's head back, and pushed down on his head.  Xander spread his legs wider, lowering himself a little.  Spike wanted the angle to be just right.  Holding Xander's head still, he slowly thrust back in, further and further.  He saw Xander fight his gag reflex and held still for a moment.  Then he said, "Take a deep breath, love," and pushed in further, pulling Xander's head towards him until his face was buried in Spike's groin, and Spike's cock was deep in Xander's throat.  Xander swallowed reflexively, and Spike groaned.  He then began to slowly pull out again.  Xander gasped for breath.  Spike looked at him seriously.  "I know what you've been watching.  It's not just about taking me in deep, Xan.  It's about trust.  I'm big, I know that, and when I thrust right into you, you can't breathe.  I'm stronger than you, so you have to trust that I'll pull out again.  Is this what you really want to do?  You can just blow me - no bones broken."  Spike didn't really need to hear Xander's answer.  The flood of pheromones and the wildly dilated pupils gave him all the clues he needed.  Pushing at limits, indeed.  Spike opened one of the desk drawers and pulled out a roll of duct tape.  "Put your hands behind your back, pet," he said, and as Xander complied, taped his wrists together.  "This is how it went, yeah?" he said, and indeed, Xander's heart rate was shooting through the roof as he nodded.

Spike knelt down in front of Xander, reached across and tore his t-shirt open, pushing it back over his shoulders so his neck and chest were bare.  He then reached down and unzipped his jeans, pushing them down his thighs.  He pumped Xander's erection a few times while he licked and bit at Xander's nipples.  Spike then stood, and surveyed the sight of the debauched human kneeling at his feet.  "Fuck, pet, you look so..." He shook his head.  Words were so inadequate at times.  Spike grasped Xander's head and began to push his cock back into Xander's mouth, and Xander took a quick gulp of air before the thick cock slid down his throat again, strong hands holding his face pressed into Spike's curly pubic hair.  Then Spike began pulling out again.  Each time Spike pushed down Xander's throat, he stayed there a little longer, and Xander found himself beginning to struggle for air as Spike gave him less and less time to catch his breath in between thrusts.  Xander felt his cock throbbing, and desperately wished he could touch himself.  Spike pulled out again, but this time he plunged straight back in, not giving Xander any time to catch his breath.  Spike held him firmly as Xander began to struggle, tugging helplessly on his bound wrists, desperate for air, feeling his lungs screaming for oxygen.  Just as Xander was convinced he was going to black out, he was blindsided by a mindnumbing orgasm.  As he began to convulse, Spike let go of Xander's head, clutching his own, and fell back against the desk as Xander slumped to the floor, his body wracked with spasms as his orgasm swept over him.  Spike then dropped to his knees next to him, still clutching his head.  Neither moved, both panting hard.  Spike recovered first, and said, "Xan, you OK?"  He reached around and tore the duct tape from Xander's wrists, rubbing them, trying to soothe the reddened skin.

"Hmm, what... um, wow, yeah."  Xander felt totally shattered with the intensity of the experience.  Picking up an odd note to Spike's voice, he tried to reassure him.  "Shit, Spike, that was totally awesome!" Xander panted.  "I had no idea it was like that.  Much more intense than I expected."

Spike zipped himself back up and helped Xander into the bedroom, placing him gently on the bed.  He stripped off Xander's clothes and got a wet washcloth from the bathroom to clean up his lover.

"Why don't you have a bit of a nap, love?  I'll finish up what I'm doing and join you, OK?"  But Xander was already asleep.  Spike wrapped the comforter around him and went to make the final arrangements.  The bastard, fucking chip had fired just before Xander had come.  Soon, though, it would not be a problem.

*****

Xander woke up absolutely starving.  He glanced at the clock.  It was almost 4pm.  Wow, I've slept for hours, he thought, no wonder I'm hungry - I missed lunch.  He threw the comforter off, discovering that he was naked.  As he remembered why, a wave of lust shot through him.  He'd never experienced anything like that before.  Spike holding him down, forcing his cock deep down his throat, struggling to breathe... a shudder of pleasure ran through him.  Fuck, I am so warped, he thought to himself with a grin.  Then he sobered; he remembered something else - remembered Spike clutching his head, falling backwards.  Shit, the chip.  The chip must have gone off.  God, I shouldn't have asked him to do that. He leapt up, grabbed a pair of sweats and slipped them on, and headed off to find Spike, make sure he was OK.

The study door was open, and Xander walked in expecting to find Spike sitting at the desk, but the room was empty.  The roll of duct tape was still lying on the floor where Spike had tossed it, so Xander picked it up and put it back in the drawer.  As he shoved the stiff drawer shut, the computer monitor flared back to life.  The vibration through the desk had nudged the mouse, and woken the computer from its hibernation.  Xander glanced at the screen, and then looked more closely.  An email was open.  Xander's mouth fell open as he read it.  Fuuuck...  the mail was confirming an appointment, next Saturday night, where the sender confidently expected Spike's 'little problem' to be taken care of, permanently, with the aid of a demon who could manipulate electrical energy.  Xander backed slowly away from the computer and headed, in a daze, for the bedroom.

Xander picked up the bottle of whiskey from the bar with a shaking hand and headed into the bathroom, locking the door.  Desperately trying to stem the rising tide of panic.  He felt as though there was a tornado in his head - his thoughts were whirling around and he wasn't able to pin any of them down to examine them.  Xander closed the lid on the toilet and sat down.  He opened the whiskey and took a long swallow, coughing as it burnt his throat; he hoped it would steady his nerves.  Of course Spike was going to get the chip out.  It was only a matter of time before he did, Xander knew that; had known that when he moved in.  Just didn't think about it, that's all.  Another swallow of whiskey.  He should leave.  He should just get up and leave, now.  Go and tell Buffy, and then she'd... Xander gasped; he felt like he'd been hit in the stomach.  The thought of leaving, and losing Spike to the Slayer, was too much.  OK, cross that off the list of things I can do.  Three more long swallows, and the pain eased a little.  His thoughts were still chasing around in his head, but the whirling sensation had slowed down a bit, although it had grown a little fuzzy around the edges.  OK, Xan, think.  This is what Spike has been working on, obviously.  He said it was something for both of us.  What, he's going to kill all my friends as a 'thank you for letting me fuck you' present?  He giggled at the thought, and took another long drink of whiskey.  No, he wouldn't do that, he loves me.  And he knows I love my friends.  Another drink.  Ha, yeah - hello, vampire?  Not known for warm and fuzzy feelings.  Slaughtering your lover's nearest and dearest is probably the most romantic thing you can do if you're a vampire.  Another drink.  Whoops, the toilet seems to be tilting a little...  Xander started giggling again.  He'll probably want to turn me.  Don't want to be a vampire.  I'm gonna have to leave.  Can't leave.  Love my Spike.   If I leave I'll have to tell Buffy, and then she'll...not gonna leave.  Another drink.  Wish that banging would stop, giving me a headache, and I'm trying to *think* in here...  Another drink - hey, this bottle is nearly empty, must have spilled some somewhere...  Lots of feet - why are there lots of feet on the floor?

"Xan, pet, what's going on?"  Xander looked up to see Spike standing in front of him.

"Spike." said Xander as he straightened up to look up at Spike and began to fall backwards.  Strong arms caught him, picked him up and carried him out to the bedroom.  Spike lay Xander on the bed and sat next to him.  "What's going on, pet?" he asked gently.

Xander squinted owlishly at Spike.  "Don't wanna be a vampire, Spike."

"Um, OK, Xan.  You don't have to be a vampire if you don't want to," said a clearly puzzled Spike.

"Oh, OK then - 's good.  Spike?"

"Yeah, pet?"

"I hate you, Spike."

"Why's that, pet?" asked Spike, getting more perplexed by the second.

"Cos I love you, that's why.  I love you sooo, sooo much," said Xander in a sing-song voice.

"OK...?" said Spike, hoping this was heading somewhere that would give him a clue as to what was going on in Xander's head.

"I love you too much, Spike, 'n I can't live without you.  But if you try and eat everybody Buffy will come and get you, with a biiig stake...  But I won't let her get you, Spike," said Xander, patting Spike's arm and nodding his head slowly, "cos I'd have to do it, 'm the only one who should...'n then I'll die too, won't I, cos I need you too much..." Tears began rolling down Xander's cheeks as he finally passed out, three-quarters of a bottle of whiskey generally having that effect, eventually.

Light finally dawned on Spike.  Oh, fuck.  How the hell did he find out about...  Spike covered Xander with the quilt and went to the study.  The computer appeared to be off, but when he moved the mouse, the monitor once again sprang to life, with the incriminating email there for all to see.  The drawer he'd left open was now closed.  Fuck!  All right, first things first.  Need to sober Xander up and talk to him about this.  Judging by the boy's drunken ramblings, he had convinced himself that Spike was about to unleash the Big Bad on Sunnyhell again.  And while the idea was not without its charms, it was not the primary reason for getting the chip neutralised.  Spike went to the fridge and removed three bags of blood.  He heated them and then drank them down quickly.  The quickest way to sober him up is to drain some of his blood, and then feed him some of mine, thought Spike.  Also wouldn't hurt to strengthen the bond a fair bit either.  Probably going to need it.   He knew the boy loved him, needed him, but they'd only been together a short time.  The last thing Spike wanted was Xander walking out, and if he had to use the bond to make sure he didn't, then he would.  He walked back into the bedroom, stripped himself and Xander and then lay down next to him.
 

*****

Xander was floating just beneath full consciousness.  His cock was aching, and he began to thrust against the cool body lying on top of him.  It was So. Fucking. Hot when Spike fed from him, and fed him his blood.  Something tugged at his mind, but immediately soothing thoughts filled his head; love, concern, warmth...  His orgasm washed over him, and he drifted off to sleep again.  Spike gently withdrew his fangs from Xander's neck, and slowly pulled his still-bleeding wrist away, as Xander's suckling slowed, and then stopped.

Xander drifted to consciousness again.  He felt peaceful and content.  The cool body of his lover was pressed against his back, one of Spike's legs between his.  Pressure at his entrance, then a slick hand stroking his cock as the cool length slid easily inside him.  Spike's other wrist was pressed against Xander's mouth, and he suckled greedily, the blood filling him with warmth.  Long, hard thrusts, and soon Xander was thrusting back, impaling himself, then forward into the hand.  The blood filling his mouth sang of love and dark desires, and as Spike sank his fangs into his neck, Xander howled out his orgasm.  Again, feelings of love and concern surrounded him, and he drifted once more to sleep.

*****

The next time Xander awoke, it was to the smell of bacon and eggs.  His stomach rumbled.  Spike was sitting on the bed next to him, a tray of food in his hands.  He put the tray down on the bedside table and stroked Xander's hair off his forehead.

"Hey there, sleepyhead.  How are you feeling?"  Xander did a mental survey of his body, and found he felt great.  Something was nagging at him, but he dismissed it and sat up, feeling absolutely starving.

"I feel great.  And I'm starving - that for me?"  Spike nodded, then watched Xander closely as he sat up and reached for the tray.  He seemed to inhale the food it was eaten so quickly, and he enthusiastically accepted the offer of more orange juice.

"Wow, that's better.  Thanks, Spike.  Shower next, I think," said Xander, feeling sticky and sweaty.  He threw back the covers and headed to the bathroom, stopping abruptly when the saw the smashed door lock.  "Spike?"  And suddenly a feeling of sick dread assailed Xander.  He faltered, blood draining to his feet.  Spike was up in a flash, catching him before he hit the floor and carrying him back to the bed.  Xander lay on the bed feeling sick.  The jumble of images in his head was slowly resolving itself into an approximation of what had happened... today? Yesterday?  "Spike, what day is it?"

"Sunday morning, Xan," said Spike.  Yesterday, then.  "Spike, we need..."  "...to talk, yeah, I know, pet.  Sobering you up and fixing up the damage you'd done to your body with that much whiskey came first, though.  You go have your shower.  I'll be in the living room.  Waiting."

*****

Xander took his time in the shower, trying to order his thoughts.  He had a sketchy idea of what had happened yesterday, but his recollections seemed jumbled.  He did, however, have a very clear grasp of one thing - Spike had arranged to deactivate the chip, somehow.  He knew he should be feeling panic-stricken by this, but every time his thoughts turned to his lover, a feeling of calm, contentment and love washed through him, drowning out the panicky voice screaming at him at the back of his mind.  Xander sighed and turned off the water.  Can't put this off, he thought.

Ten minutes later, shaved and dressed, he walked into the living room.  Spike was sitting on the couch, listening to music that Xander hadn't heard before.  Classical music, he guessed, judging by the violins and stuff.  Not what he'd normally listen to.  This was soothing, though, in the way the music he normally listened to couldn't match.

Spike patted the seat next to him on the couch.  "Sit down, pet."  When Xander was seated, Spike turned to look at him.  "How much do you remember of what happened yesterday?"

Xander thought for a moment.  "I remember you putting me to bed.  When I woke up, I came to look for you - make sure you were OK.  The chip went off, didn't it?"  Spike nodded.  "Just a warning spark, nothing to be concerned about.  What happened then?"

"I went into the study.  Looking for you, but you weren't there.  The duct tape was still on the floor, so I put it away.  Banging the drawer shut jogged the computer and it turned on again, and I saw... on the screen, there was an email..." Xander closed his eyes, feeling the panic rising again.

"I've found a way to get the chip neutralised, permanently," said Spike, slowly and deliberately.  He saw Xander flinch at his words and sighed.  "I was going to tell you, but you seem to have pre-empted that."  Xander sat, head bowed, fists clenched, listening.

"Xander, look at me."  As Xander opened his eyes, Spike caught his gaze and held it. "The chip is the only thing that stops me draining you, hurting you, turning you.  It's the only thing that stops me killing the Slayer and your friends, and feeding indiscriminately on the general populace.  Is that what you think?"  Spike's voice was soft and serious.  "Do you seriously believe I have so little self-control?" 

"I don't know... I just... Is the chip the only thing that stops you, Spike?  If the chip was gone, would you turn me?  Would you kill Buffy and Willow and Giles?"  Xander could hear the note of desperation in his own voice.

"What do you think, Xan?"

"I don't fucking know!  That's why I'm asking, Spike.  Damnit..." Xander took a deep breath.  Let it out slowly.  What did he think, really?  What was his gut reaction?  He caught his lover's eyes again, stared into them.  "Maybe you would have done before, but I don't think you would now."

"Oh?  And why is that?" asked Spike.

"Because you weren't in love with me before."

Spike quirked a smile at Xander, and said, "And what makes you think I'm in love with you, pet?" 

"When you feed me your blood, Spike.  Your blood tells me."  Xander didn't know any other way to describe the sensations that flowed over him as he suckled at Spike's wrist or tongue.  The blood whispered to him, and Spike's thoughts and emotions were there, in his head.  "In fact, if I think about it, think about you, all I can feel is your love, and caring, and desire." 

Spike smiled and nodded.  "Good.  If you look inside yourself, you'll know how I feel about you.  And you'll know that I'm telling you the truth when I say I'm not gonna drain your friends.  Sharing blood is sharing ourselves.  It's all part of strengthening our bond.  And you can feel the bond, can't you?  Feel how strong it is?"  Spike was speaking softly, carefully, as though trying to calm a particularly flighty horse.  No mention was made of the fact that Spike had fed Xander a great deal of blood in the past twelve hours.

Xander whispered,  "You know I can.  It's like I can feel you, inside, like you're a part of me." 

Spike studied Xander for a moment, then nodded, slowly and deliberately.  "I am, in a way.  We're mated.  You are my Consort.  Married, I suppose, is the human equivalent, but it's a whole lot more than that.  We've shared blood every day we've been together.  And that will continue; in fact, you will need it to continue, pet.  We're bound together, Xander.  This is permanent - the only way one of us leaves is through death."

Xander sat staring at Spike as the realisation of what he was saying sank in.  "I need you now, don't I; I mean, *really* need you, like in 'can't ever leave you'?" said Xander, feeling himself shaking as he said the words.  He needed Spike, needed his blood, to survive.  It was a primal thing... just the thought of getting up and walking out the door and never coming back filled Xander with such dread that he felt sick.  "So can I assume that you won't drain me when the chip comes out, then?" Xander said, hoping his voice didn't sound as shaky as he felt.

"That wouldn't be the first thing on the agenda, no," said Spike, looking at Xander with an odd expression on his face. "There are lots of things I want to do to you, but killing you isn't among them.  At least, not permanently.  Anyway, I like you hot, and breathing."  Spike's voice was low and seductive, and his gaze skewered Xander so he couldn't look away.  Xander shivered at Spike's words, and wished that the panicky, screaming voice in his head would just shut the fuck up.  Spike was just coming on to him, in a vampy way, that's all.  And anyway, this was home.  This was where he belonged, here with Spike.  There would never be any running, could never be any running now, according to Spike.  He didn't want to be turned, at least he didn't think so... He couldn't think. Why couldn't he fucking think?  Spike seemed to surround him, and his mind was fogging up.

Spike pushed Xander back, and spread himself on top of him.  He unzipped him and wrapped his hand around Xander's cock as he nuzzled at his throat.  Spike was speaking again, his voice so low it seemed to vibrate through Xander's body.  "When the chip comes out, pet, we can do anything we want.  No worrying about it going off if we want to... experiment.  And I can protect you, properly, the way I should."  Xander found himself panting, so close now as Spike pumped him and licked at his claim mark.  As Spike bit down hard on Xander's throat, he cried out and came, his warm semen pumping over Spike's hand.  Spike nibbled his way up to Xander's ear and whispered,  "You're mine, pet, forever.  Never forget that."

*****

On to Secrets and Confessions