Secrets and Disappointments

*****

Xander's heart was pounding as he stood in front of the door to Giles' apartment.  Willow had sounded - cool, over the phone, and Xander really hoped this wasn't a face-to-face goodbye from his best friend.

As he reached up to knock, the door was flung open.  "Come in, Xander, for goodness sake.  I thought you were going to take root out here," said Giles, smiling at the startled look on the boy's face.

"Is..."

"Willow's here.  Come in, and I'll see to lunch," said Giles kindly, taking in Xander's pale face.

Xander walked in, feeling the flock of butterflies rising up from his stomach floor again.  He smiled when he saw Willow sitting on the couch reading a book.  She looked up and stared at him steadily for a second, and then a shaky smile crossed her face as she put the book down and stood up.  In two seconds Xander had crossed the room and wrapped his arms around her.  He nuzzled the top of her head, dropping kisses on it here and there.  He pulled away slightly, and saw tears on her cheeks.

"God, Wills, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I've missed you so much this past week," he said.  Willow scrubbed her face with a tissue and blew her nose.  "I'm fine, Xan, I just missed you too," she said, as she moved the book out of the way and sat down on the couch again, pulling Xander down next to her.  She sat looking at Xander for a moment, seeming to search his face for something.  "Are you happy, Xander?  Does he make you happy?"

"Yeah.  Yeah, I'm really happy, Wills.  This is what I've wanted for a long time.  I'm happy," said Xander, smiling softly at her.

"Good.  I... I'm glad," said Willow.  And then she punched Xander in the arm, hard.

"Ow!  Wills?  What was that for?"

"For not telling me you were into guys, Xander.  And for going off with... with Spike and doing... stuff and not telling me.  God, Xander, you got married, in a vampirey sort of way, and you didn't tell me!  We're best friends.  I thought we could tell each other anything.  I thought you trusted me.  I hope your arm hurts, you deserve it."

"I'm sorry I hurt you, Willow.  I didn't mean to," said Xander.

"I know.  And I'm sorry too.  I shouldn't have freaked on you like I did, Xander.  I mean, we've been friends for our whole lives, nearly, you know?  It's just that...  I just felt like there was this whole part of you that you'd hidden from me.  It hurt that you hadn't trusted me enough to tell me.  About the gay thing, I mean.  I'm still working on the whole Spike and you being well, married thing.  And the biting and stuff - I'm just not thinking about that at all, except to be very grateful that Spike is chipped, so I know he can't do anything that you don't want him to do."  Xander flushed and dipped his head, unable to look her in the eye.

"Wills, it wasn't that I didn't trust you.  It was just... hell, I didn't even want to admit to myself that I was gay, never mind telling anybody else."

"Yeah, I get that now, Xander, but lots of people are gay.  It's nothing to hide, you know.  I wouldn't have hated you for it or anything, you know that."

"It wasn't that simple, Wills.  If I'd liked a human guy, maybe...  But I wanted Spike.  Can you imagine how I felt, Wills?  Every time I saw him it just got worse.  I just wanted him to grab him and rip his clothes off and..."

"TMI, Xan, really.  Don't need the details," cut in Willow, her eyes wide with surprise.  Xander blushed again.  "Sorry.  Just haven't been able to talk about this with anyone, and I guess it just all wants to come out."  He looked up as he heard throat clearing.  "Xander, if you want to stay and talk to me after lunch, you're very welcome.  I understand what it's like to have no one you can confide in," said Giles, a small smile on his lips.  Xander smiled back.  "Actually, I just might do that, if you really don't mind?" said Xander, surprising himself at his reply; he'd meant to say thanks, but no thanks.  I must really need to talk, he thought to himself.

Giles brought out plates of sandwiches, snacks and drinks, and the chatter was relaxed and comfortable.  Xander talked about the big TV and the Playstation games at the apartment, and Willow talked of how college was going.  No one mentioned Spike or Buffy, and Xander thought it best to leave it for the time being.  Willow was talking to him again, and that was enough for now.

Xander and Willow helped Giles to clear up after lunch, and as they trooped back into the living room, Willow caught sight of the clock.

"Oh, it's 2.30 already.  I have to run, I've got to go and see Buffy..."  her voice trailed off.

"Hey, it's OK, Wills," said Xander, trying not to let his face show the hurt he was feeling that Buffy hadn't wanted to be there.

"Xan, she's... she's still upset about the whole Spike thing.  But I think she's coming round, slowly.  And with me and Giles talking to her about it, I'm sure she'll want to see you soon," said Willow, wrapping her arm around Xander's waist and giving him a hug.

"Yeah, sure she will," said Xander, forcing a smile onto his face.

"OK, then, I'd better scoot," said Willow, as she grabbed her bag and headed for the door.  She turned at the door, ran back to Xander and threw her arms around him.  "I'm so glad to see you, Xan," she said.  She dropped a quick kiss on his lips and then headed to the door again.  "Bye, Giles.  Thanks for lunch.  See you later," she called as she left.

"Yes, see you later, Willow," replied Giles.  As the door banged shut, he headed over to his bookcase and removed the bottle of whiskey he had hidden there.  He placed it on the coffee table and then got two glasses and some ice from the kitchen.  He came back into the living room, sat on the couch next to Xander, and poured them both a whiskey.  Noticing the shocked look he was getting from Xander, he handed him one of the drinks and turned on the couch, slightly, so he was looking at the boy.  "What?" he asked, a smile on his face.

"You're giving me alcohol?" said Xander in surprise.  "Aren't you worried about corrupting me or something?"

"Well, I imagine you've already been corrupted, Xander," said Giles, "so a drink to relax us both shouldn't be too much of an issue.  And I'm sure you've had whiskey before."  Xander felt his face going red again, but Giles smiled kindly at him, and he smiled back.

"Did you have a chance to ask Spike about the book I lent you?  I must confess to being curious about it myself, and a chance to find out first hand, well..." said Giles.

"Yeah, I did.  Yeah, thanks for that, Giles.  I brought it back with me," said Xander.  Retrieving the book from his jacket pocket, he gave it to Giles, then sat back down on the couch.  He took a sip of his drink and waited for the questions to come.

"Did Spike answer all of your questions, Xander?  Is there anything you want me to clarify, or discuss with me?"  Xander smiled as he remembered his full and frank discussion with Spike.  "Yeah, we can talk about it if you want.  And yeah, he did, eventually," said Xander.  At Giles' raised eyebrow, he continued. "He didn't really want to tell me about the Sire's Rights thing, figuring I'd freak.  And he was right, I did.  But with the whole Deadboy/soul thing, I'm hoping it's not gonna be an issue, y'know?" 

Giles sighed.  "It's not that simple, Xander," he said.

"Yeah, that's what Spike said," said Xander wryly.  "But I'm not gonna worry about it, G-man."  Giles smiled at that.  "I've asked you not to call me that, Xander," he said, with a grin.

"Yeah, I know.  But secretly you quite like it, don't you?"

"You know, I think I do," said Giles.

"I can understand that.  Makes you one of the gang, rather than being the responsible adult all the time.  Must be hard," said Xander.  Giles was taken aback by the perceptive words.  "Yes, actually, it is.  Continually being cast as the authority figure gets rather tiring at times," he said.  He took a drink of his whiskey. 

"Well, I'm seeing you as a friend right now," said Xander, as he smiled warmly at the older man.  "Giles, can I ask you something?  When I was trying to talk to you about Spike, before, and I told you I thought I was gay.  You didn't seem surprised."

"No.  I'd suspected it, Xander, possibly before you did, judging by your comments to Willow about being in denial.  When you were conscious of being watched, you always made sure to look at any pretty women who happened to be around.  But if you thought you were unobserved, or if your mind was elsewhere, it was men that you looked at appreciatively.  You probably didn't even realise you were doing it.  Your spectacularly unsuccessful choice of female partners wasn't an accident, I'm sure.  And of late, your reactions to the proximity of a certain vampire were very noticeable, to me anyway.  He showed no interest in you whatsoever, though, and I'd rather hoped that having him foisted on you, snarking and irritable as he was, would dispel any budding attraction.  Obviously I was totally wrong."  Giles finished his whiskey and poured himself another, topping up Xander's at the same time.  "I made a gross error in judgement, I'm afraid, so I rather feel responsible for your situation," continued Giles.

"Oh, so you feel guilty.  That's why you're being understanding and stuff.  I see," said Xander, the disappointment he felt clear in his voice.

"No.  No, that's not it at all, Xander.  You're obviously happy with the situation, so my guilt is neither wanted nor warranted.  I'm being understanding and stuff, as you put it, because I know what it's like... to want what you shouldn't, and to have it, even if only for a brief time, in my case, anyway.  It's hard to live with that sort of disapproval, and I don't want you to feel abandoned and friendless, and to feel that there is no one you can turn to or talk to."

"Like you did," said Xander, suddenly understanding Giles a whole lot better than he had before.

"Indeed, as I did," Giles said.

"Ethan Rayne?"  asked Xander, suddenly putting two and two together.  Giles nodded.  "And one or two others," he added.  "But Ethan in particular.  The fact that he was male was the least of the charges against him, in the eyes of my family and friends, at least..."  His voice trailed off as he seemed to become lost in his thoughts for a moment.  Then Giles shook his head slightly, and took another drink.

"Anyway, enough of my maundering.  You're probably dying to tell someone about Spike.  So tell me, Xander.  I'm listening."  And suddenly Xander found himself at a loss.  It was difficult to talk about his relationship with Spike without talking about - certain things.  "Well, we, um... that is, he..."

"Spike is a rather dominant personality, isn't he?  And being an old vampire, a Master, probably makes him even more so, I imagine.  And I think you've always looked for that sort of - guidance from someone," said Giles.  Xander looked up from contemplating his drink, his shocked eyes meeting Giles' understanding look.

"You.. you knew?" he stuttered.

"I'm assuming, knowing you both as I do.  It's perfectly normal to live in that sort of relationship, Xander, as long as it's completely consensual, and you've both talked about it..." Giles' voice held the unspoken question.

"Oh, yeah.  Yeah, we talked and stuff.  I'm not doing anything I don't want to, Giles.  And it's not like I'm a slave or anything, we're not into that."

"I'm pleased to hear that, Xander.  I don't think that would suit you for very long," said Giles.

"No, doesn't do much for me.  It's just - Spike looks after me, y'know.  And he loves me so much, Giles.  It's really something special.  Most of the time it's just two guys, y'know, hanging and stuff - well apart from all the se..."  Xander managed to stop speaking as his brain caught up with his mouth, and he turned red again.  Giles looked at him, a grin on his face.  "Just two guys hanging, except you're in love and can't keep your hands off each other, that sort of thing?" he said.  Xander laughed.  "Yeah, that sort of thing.  And it's good, Giles, really good, y'know? but sometimes I need..." Xander flushed again, and took a gulp of his whiskey, coughing as it burnt on the way down.

"Sometimes you need more.  I know, Xander.  And you always have the chip as a safety net, don't you?  Sort of your own built in safe word," said Giles.  Xander nodded vaguely, prolonging the coughing fit to cover his embarrassment.  He really didn't want to lie to Giles, but he couldn't tell him about the chip.  Not now, anyway.  Giles seemed to pick up on Xander's embarrassment, and turned the conversation to more innocuous subjects.

Xander was thoroughly enjoying himself, talking with Giles.  He'd never realised how interesting the man was.  He was as guilty as the others of simply casting him in the authority figure role and dismissing him.  But Giles was smart, and funny, and wonderful company.  As the afternoon wore on, Giles had brought out snacks and drinks, and Xander was beginning to feel like he was really getting to know the Watcher.  He was halfway through a story that had Xander in fits of laughter when there was a banging at the front door.

"I wonder who that can be," said Giles.  Looking out the window, Xander realised that it was dark, and that Giles had turned on the lights at some point.  He hadn't even noticed.  He became aware of a clamouring at the edges of his mind.  "It's Spike, Giles.  I hadn't realised it had gotten so late.  He's come to find me," said Xander.  Giles opened the front door to find an irate vampire glaring at him.

"Watcher," acknowledged Spike, then he looked over Giles' shoulder.  "Xander, I was worried.  You should have phoned me."

"Come in, Spike," said Giles, and stepped aside to allow the vampire to enter his home.

"Spike, I'm sorry.  I was talking and lost track of time."  Xander looked stricken, and Spike gave him an odd look that Xander couldn't interpret.  "It's OK, pet.  I knew you were safe.  Just didn't want you coming home on your own in the dark.  Streets aren't safe," he said, glancing at the Watcher who was watching this exchange with a worried expression on his face.

"Yeah, should be going.  Thanks for everything, Giles," said Xander as he shrugged on his jacket.

"You're welcome, Xander.  Please feel free to drop in and see me any time.  You can bring Spike with you if you want."  Spike turned surprised eyes on Giles.  As Xander stepped out of the apartment, Spike turned to Giles and said, "I appreciate what you're doing for the boy, Watcher.  Means a lot to him.  And me. Thank you."  Without waiting for a reply, Spike spun on his heel and followed Xander into the night.

*****

Spike hadn't said a word on the way back to the apartment, ignoring Xander's attempts at conversation, and Xander's tentative nudges at the link had been rebuffed.  Spike was obviously angry with him.  Xander knew he had been worried, but come on; he was an adult, for God's sake!  He could take care of himself.  And he said so as they walked into their bedroom, shrugging off his jacket.  Spike whirled around and glared at him.

"I'm not angry, Xander.  I'm very disappointed.  Do you know why?" demanded Spike in a cold voice that sent a shudder through Xander.  Xander stepped back in shock.

"You left here this morning to meet your friends for lunch.  It is now 9 pm.  You didn't take your cell phone with you.  You didn't call me.  I tried to open the link, but you ignored it.  Several times," said Spike.  "You forgot yourself, pet," he added in a silky voice that made Xander go cold.

"I..."

"Did I say you could speak?" interrupted Spike, cocking an eyebrow at Xander.  The nervous boy shook his head.

"Who are you, Xander?  Answer me."

"I... I'm yours," Xander answered in a shaky voice.  Spike nodded.

"That's right.  You're mine, Xander.  You *belong* to me.  And I think you've forgotten that."

"No!  No, Spike, please - I'm sorry, I didn't think, I just...."

"And again you disobey me.  Did I tell you to speak?" Spike's voice cut across Xander again.  Xander paled and shook his head.

"Dungeon.  Now.  Prepare yourself."  At Xander's shocked look and pleading eyes, Spike said, "I'm not angry, Xander.  This isn't about punishment.  If I were angry with you, the last place we would be going is the dungeon. I told you, pet.  I'm very disappointed.  I've obviously been lax in my duties as a good master, and I think we need to remedy that.  Now.  I'll be in presently.  The things you'll need are laid out in the bathroom."  Spike turned and walked out of the bedroom.  Then Xander heard the back door slam.  Gone to have a cigarette, he thought idly.  Xander knew why Spike had left.  He was deliberately leaving Xander to make the choice.  He sighed.  It would be so much easier if Spike just dragged him there and made him do it.  But Spike would never do that.  Didn't want that.  He wanted Xander to choose to submit to him, willingly.  Every single time.  He sighed again and left the bedroom.

*****

Spike walked into the dungeon to find Xander kneeling submissively in the centre of the room, head bowed, wrists crossed behind his back, waiting.  Spike walked up and stood directly in front of the boy, who leant forward and kissed his boots.  He visually surveyed Xander.  Collar and cuffs on, cockring loosely in place.  Good.  "Stand and follow me," he said.  He led Xander over to what looked like a vaulting horse, and gestured at Xander to stand in front of it.  "Bend over the horse and place your arms in front of you," he said.  Xander flashed a nervous look at Spike, but did as he was told.  Spike attached the wrist cuffs to clips set in the legs of the horse, then walked back behind the boy.  He kicked his legs wider apart, and then attached the ankle cuffs to chains set in the front legs.  Xander was now immobilised.  Spike saw him tug at his bonds, and smelt the stab of arousal, mixed with a healthy dose of fear.  Good, the boy was getting it.  Spike draped himself over Xander's back and whispered in his ear, "Mine.  To do anything I want with.  There will be no safe word, Xander, ever.  I do as I choose with my belongings."  Spike had to fight not to come there and then at the sweet, heady flood of pheromones and terror that poured off the boy. 

Spike straightened up and peeled off his t-shirt, throwing it to the floor as he walked over to the cabinets containing the toys.  He selected a large, pear shaped butt plug and a tube of lube, and a riding crop.  He walked back and placed them on a low table set off to one side of the horse, where Xander could see them easily.  A spike of fear this time.  Good.  He crouched down in front of Xander, tilting his head so he could look him in the eye.

"Why are we doing this, Xander?" asked Spike softly.

"To... to remind me that I b-belong to you, Master."

"That's right, Xander.  You forgot that, today.  It won't happen again, will it?"

"No, Master."

"You have made an error, pet, and are in need of correction.  Tell me you want this, Xander."  Xander looked at Spike for a moment, and then closed his eyes and nodded.  "I..." he swallowed hard.  "I want this.  Master." 

"Good boy," said Spike, then he leaned closer and kissed Xander gently.  "You can make as much noise as you like, pet."  Then he stood up and walked behind Xander again.  He reached down and found that Xander's erection had softened slightly.  Spike pumped him several times, and when Xander was completely hard again, Spike fully tightened the cock ring, and Xander groaned at the sensation.  "You will be allowed to come today, Xander, you're not being punished," repeated Spike, then he ran his hands soothingly over the boy's back and flanks.  He knew the boy was nervous, and not a little afraid of what was going to happen.  While this was exactly what Spike wanted, he also needed Xander to be certain in his own mind that this was a lesson in ownership, and not any sort of punishment.

Spike slipped one hand down the crack between his pet's buttocks and slipped a finger into his opening.  It went in easily.  Good, the boy had prepared himself properly.  He soon had 3 fingers pumping in and out, and Xander was groaning.  Spike removed his hand and picked up the butt plug.  It was bigger than three fingers, but he wanted Xander to get used to being stretched wide.  Spike squirted out a good dollop of lube and smeared it over the plug.  He pressed the tapered end against the loosened hole and said, "Pet, take a deep breath and breathe out slowly."  He then began to push the plug, slowly and steadily, into Xander.  He felt the boy begin to tremble as he was stretched wider and wider.  Xander started to wriggle, pushing himself forward as though trying to escape the increasing burn of straining muscle.  He gave a guttural cry and began to pant as Spike pushed in the widest part of the plug.  Once the plug was fully inserted, Spike wiped his hands on a towel hanging from the end of the horse and then rubbed them soothingly over his shaking pet's back again.  "There, that's not so bad, is it," he said.  "I'm going to start stretching you out every day, pet.  I want you to be able to take my hand, and I know that's something you want, too, isn't it?"

Then Spike walked around to the table and slowly picked up the riding crop.  He saw Xander watching him.  His eyes were wide, he was panting and there was sweat on his brow.  Spike grabbed the towel and wiped Xander's face.  He then indicated the riding crop he was holding. "You can take this, for me, can't you?" he said.  Xander shuddered, and then nodded.  "Answer me, pet," said Spike.

"Yes.  Yes, Master," whispered the boy.

Spike nodded in reply, and then walked around behind Xander again.

Spike trailed the crop lightly over Xander's skin, tracing the muscles on this back, along his arms, down his legs.  He then stroked it across his buttocks, and Xander began trembling again.  "How many strokes do you think I should give you, Xander?" asked Spike.

"As... as many as you w-want to, Master," gasped Xander.  Spike smiled.  The boy was learning.  Spike raised his arm and brought the crop down, hard, across Xander's buttocks, delivering six strokes, three on each buttock, in quick succession.  Xander cried out and struggled, pulling desperately against his bonds.  Spike rubbed his free hand over the reddening buttocks, then pulled back and delivered another six.  He could see the red lines criss-crossing the mounds of flesh.  He leaned forward and laid gentle licks and kisses along the lines, blowing on the wetness, making Xander shudder beneath him.  "Mine," he said.

"Yours," came the whispered response. 

Spike took a step back, then raised his arm and began to whip Xander again, but more slowly this time, giving a break between each strike of the crop.  After several blows Xander began to struggle against his bonds, but Spike kept up his steady pace, adding stripe after stripe across Xander's buttocks and down his thighs.  The boy was sobbing now, and crying out each time the crop struck him.  But Spike didn't stop, slowly adding more and more red lines, and gradually Xander stopped struggling to get away from the crop and seemed to be trying to push back, to welcome it.  The sobs had died down to moans and guttural gasps each time the crop hit him, and Spike could see that the boy's cock was now an angry purple, and steadily dripping.  Finally, Spike put the crop down and grasped the end of the butt plug, easing it out of the boy.  Xander gasped and then groaned as his entrance was stretched out by its removal.  Spike placed the plug back on the table and crouched down by Xander's head again, stroking the boy's cheek.  Eyelids fluttered open, showing eyes almost black they were so dilated.  "Would you like to come now, pet?" Spike asked.  It seemed to take Xander several seconds to realise that he'd been asked a question.  He gave several hitching gasps before he managed to breathe out, "Please..."  Spike smiled.  It hadn't taken too much to get Xander high this first time.  His boy was so beautifully responsive.  Xander smiled back at Spike, and then his eyelids fluttered closed again.

Spike laid a light kiss on Xander's lips and then stepped behind him again.  He unzipped himself and shoved down his jeans.  He had to have the boy, now.  He ran his hands over the burningly hot skin and Xander groaned and shuddered.  Bruises were forming already, and Spike couldn't stop himself from leaning forward and tracing the lines with his tongue.  A moan escaped his lips.  To see Xander like this, willingly, for him, was incredibly erotic.  The swelling and bruising meant that this was going to hurt, and Spike wanted to make the pain as pleasurable as possible for his pet.  He positioned himself and slowly pushed into Xander, moving in and out shallowly, gently, shifting slightly each time until Xander bucked under him and Spike knew he'd hit the boy's prostate.   Having found the right angle he withdrew slowly, then slammed back in and began fucking the boy hard.  Xander cried out, pushing back for more but then pulling away at the painful contact, moaning and shuddering as the sensations overwhelmed him once again.  Spike knew he wouldn't last much longer.  He loosened the cock ring and began to pump Xander in rhythm to his thrusting, and the boy came almost immediately, screaming hoarsely as he bucked under Spike, his orgasm pulsing through him like an endless series of electric shocks.  The spasming muscles clamped around Spike, who came hard, roaring his release, flooding the hot body beneath him with his cool essence as Xander's hot come gushed over his hand.

Spike collapsed forward onto Xander's back, and lay there for a few moments.  Once he had recovered, he pulled away and reached for the towel, roughly cleaning himself and pulling his jeans back up.  He then gently wiped Xander's buttocks and released him.  The boy just lay there, panting.  Noting the flinching when Spike had cleaned his bruised buttocks, Spike morphed into game face, tore his wrist open and pressed it against Xander's mouth, urging him to drink.  He let Xander drink for a minute or so, giving him a good amount of blood to help him heal, and then drew his wrist away, licking it himself until the ragged edges closed.  Spike then eased Xander up off the horse carefully.  The boy had well and truly zoned, and was probably still flying, so Spike made sure he had a good hold on him so he didn't fall.  "Who do you belong to, pet?" he asked, staring into brown eyes that were still almost black.  Xander wrapped his arms around Spike's neck and leant his head on the vampire's shoulder.  Spike waited patiently for Xander to process the question.  Finally; "You," Xander whispered.  "I belong to you, Master Spike."

"That's right, you do.  And I won't neglect you again.  We'll do this every day until I'm sure you won't forget.  Now c'mon, pet.  Nice shower and a nap, yeah?"

*****

They were lying in their bed, Xander cuddled up to Spike, feeling safe in the vampire's arms.  "My master," he whispered, and felt Spike's strong arms tighten around him.  Spike was right, he had forgotten.  "And I'm your pet."

"My beloved pet," corrected Spike.  "My beautiful boy, my consort."

"I love you, Spike.  I'm so sorry..."

"Shhh, pet.  My fault.  Not taking care of you properly.  Won't happen again, I promise."

"Do you... do you still love me, Spike?"  Spike was shocked at the question.  He raised himself up, resting on his elbow.  He reached down and ran his fingers through Xander's hair, down his cheek and under his chin, tilting Xander's face so the uncertain brown eyes were captured by his own blue gaze.

"Oh, Xander.  Of course I do.  How could I not?"  He leaned forward and captured the soft lips in an achingly gentle kiss.  Mere love was too small a concept to encompass his feelings for the mortal who shared his life.  He wrapped his arms around the warm body tightly, and felt the boy relax into his embrace.  Xander soon fell asleep, but Spike lay there, holding him, staring sightlessly into the dark.

*****

tbc

On to Secrets and Introspection I