Part 2

*****

Looking for peace is like looking for a turtle with a moustache: You won't be able to find it. But when your heart is ready, peace will come looking for you. --Ajahn Chah (Reflections)
 

Part 2a. In which Xander convinces Buffy and Dawn that he really isn't mad, and Spike really isn't gone.
 

The second Xander walked into the kitchen, the girls were all over him. He was planning on going for cool, calm and collected, but apparently you just couldn't fool the slayer. Or he couldn't, in any case. Or perhaps he just couldn't fool two of the three people who knew him better than anyone in the whole damn world, his parents most definitely included.

They took one look at what he had thought was a pretty convincing smile and immediately ushered him over to a chair at the dining room table, taking seats beside him, to demand what was wrong. So much for the suave approach. He had the distinct feeling that if he could see him right now, Spike would be smirking at him. He tried to quash the urge to check, but quickly gave in, and let himself go fuzzy for a moment. Sure enough, Spike was shaking his head and chuckling. The blond man looked at him, and he stuck his tongue out briefly before phasing back.

All of which had done nothing for the ladies' peace of mind. They were starting to look truly alarmed. Feeling slightly guilty, Xander rushed to reassure them.

'Buffy, Dawn, don't worry, nothing's wrong. I'm fine, everything is fine.'

They were still frowning. 'What was that, Xander? You went all visiony for a second, but that wasn't long enough for a vision. Is something wrong with the spell? Should we call Willow?' Dawn managed a semblance of calm, but he saw the panicked glance that she and Buffy exchanged.

'No! No, it's nothing like that. Do you remember when Willow said that she thought I might be able to control the shift? Well, I figured out how. It's nothing to worry about. I've been like that most of the night, and there don't seem to be any side effects.'

They looked slightly mollified, so to prevent further discussion, and because he really couldn't wait to tell them, Xander jumped right into the topic of the hour. 'But speaking of last night, something happened that I have to tell you about.' He was grinning, he couldn't help it. He felt like a kid with a really big secret he was just bursting to tell everyone.

Buffy and Dawn were smiling despite themselves. 'Well, I think we can safely assume it's not the end of the world again,' Buffy said wryly to her sister.

Dawn nodded sagely. 'Yeah, that's just not as fun as it used to be, is it? Well, what happened then?' she asked Xander impatiently.

'It's about Spike.'

They looked surprised. 'Spike? Did you see him again?' Buffy asked. 'This is just getting too weird. I know Willow says it's just a memory, but still...'

'Yeah, I saw him again, but he's not just a memory, he's Spike. I talked to him all night. He's here now, too.' The smile faded when he saw how they were looking at him. Concerned, worried. Ok, he guessed it was a little hard to believe.

'Xander,' Dawn said nervously, 'what are you talking about? There's no one here but us. And Spike, Spike's dead, how could he be here?'

Xander looked at her sternly. 'Dawnie, you know better than that. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.'

Buffy wasn't in the least bit convinced. 'That may be true, Xander, and I'm even willing to believe that you can see things that we can't, but how do you know what this thing really is? It could be anything. Just because it looks like someone you know doesn't mean it isn't out to kill you. Have you forgotten the First?' she said a little harshly.

He blanched a little at that. He hadn't even considered the possibility that this could be the re-emergence of the First. But he shook his head. He just didn't get any evil vibes from Spike, and since he'd been connected to the Powers, he'd gotten pretty good at that sort of thing. But more than that, it was pure gut instinct that told him that Spike was for real. 'No, Buffy, this isn't like that. I've been seeing glimpses of Spike for the past two weeks, and he's never doing anything to hurt anyone. From what I've gathered, he can't. Besides, the only reason I can see him now is because Willow did that spell. If it hadn't been for that we would never have even known that he was here. I know you're going to say that's it's just some demon taking advantage of the situation, but it's not. He's not evil, I'd be able to feel it. And you haven't seen him. It's Spike. Yeah, he's not exactly the same, but I just know... it's Spike.' He trailed off, realizing just how lame his reasoning sounded.

Buffy sighed and looked down for a moment. 'Xander, you know I trust your judgment, but you have to understand our concerns...'

Dawn nodded, but her eyes were sparkling when she spoke up a moment later. 'Obviously, you just need to prove that it's really Spike that you're seeing. We'll have to do a whole 'Ghost' scene. You know, tell me something that only Spike and I would know.'

Buffy seemed to take this suggestion seriously, although when Xander looked closely he could see that the humor of the situation was not lost on her. 'Yeah, I guess that might work,' she admitted grudgingly. 'Are you sure this thing can't hurt us?'

'Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He can't even touch me when I'm not phased, like this.'

She took a deep breath and nodded. 'Ok, but we are calling Willow. Either way, we need to be sure. So, how is this going to work?'

'Well, assuming he's still here, I have to phase out in order to see him and talk to him. It'll be just like when I'm having a vision. Other than that, I dunno. I guess we'll just play it by ear. Spike hasn't changed all that much, so he's probably going to be difficult.' He had added that last mainly for said blond's benefit, certain it would irritate him. Sure enough, when he phased a moment later, Spike was glaring at him from the other side of the table.

'Difficult, am I?' he muttered. 'Show you difficult, I will.'

Xander grinned at him. 'Come on, Spike, play nice. We'll get to the heartfelt conversations soon enough, I promise. Now, make like Patrick Swayze and tell me something I don't know.'

Oh, dear, was Xander's only thought as he watched the positively evil smile creep over Spike's face. Maybe he'd been wrong. Maybe he should disappear now while he still had the chance. He glanced desperately over to Buffy. 'Buff, I don't know that this was such a good idea,' he whispered urgently.

'What? Why?' she asked, startled.

'Because this is Spike! You've just given Spike permission to tell me all your deepest darkest secrets.'

Her eyes grew suddenly wide, but he had to admit he was impressed that she didn't back down. 'Well,' she cleared her throat, 'we don't know that it's Spike, and even if it is, he wouldn't say anything too embarrassing... would he?' She groaned as she realized what she had just said. Xander glanced over at Spike, who was looking like the cat that had swallowed the proverbial canary.

'Well, if he does, I promise I won't repeat it.' He sent him a glare that tried to convey the fact that if he were forced to listen to anything too disgusting, he would have no compunction about phasing out and not talking to him for a week. Spike seemed to get the message, as he just folded his hands and tried to look innocent. Xander didn't believe it for a moment, but it was obviously the best he was going to get. Sending him another glare for good measure, he got down to business. 'All right then, Spike, let's have it. Something that only you and Buffy know.'

*****

Spike didn't actually plan on telling the man any of the things that had happened between himself and Buffy. It was too intimate, and still far too painful for him to remember, let alone talk about. There had been very little in their affair that had been about anything other than pain and abuse. It wouldn't do him any good to bring it up now. He knew that they would have to talk about it in the end, but that was for another time, when he'd had time to think up what he was going to say, and Buffy actually believed that he was who Xander said he was. Still, the look on their faces had been too much to resist. He wasn't evil any more, but he could still be a bastard when he felt like it.

He tried to think of something innocuous to tell them, that Xander wouldn't already know. 'All right, I got one. One night we were out patrolling, woulda been sometime after the hell bitch showed up, just the two of us, going after a gang of vampires with, like, mystical tattoos on the backs of their necks, or something. Think they called themselves the Sect of Galvis.'

'I don't remember that,' Xander interrupted with a frown.

'That's the point, innit?' Spike responded irritably.

'Remember what?' Buffy asked at the same time.

Xander shook his head. 'Sorry, something about a Sect of Galvis, tattoos on the back of their necks, he hasn't finished. Go on.'

'Wait,' Buffy interrupted, 'Sect of Galvis? I remember that, we went after them...' A look of understanding came over her face and Spike grinned. 'Oh, no, he's not telling you that story. Tell him he's not telling you that story.'

'Why,' Dawn asked, 'what happened?'

Buffy just looked from her sister to Xander for a moment, then her shoulders slumped in defeat. 'Fine,' she sighed, 'we have to know. I guess it could have been worse. Let's get it over with. But Spike,' she glared at the invisible air, 'just so you know, if you are in any way alive, I will kill you for this.' Spike just snickered, turning back to Xander, who was looking extremely confused.

'Didn't know it was a sect at the time, just a bunch of vampires we came across in an abandoned building. Turned out they'd been there for years, but they weren't just any sect, they were a sect with a very specific purpose.' He glanced over at Buffy, who was looking fearfully at Xander, who was still just looking puzzled.

'Well,' he asked impatiently when Spike didn't go on immediately, 'who were they then?'

'They were a Buffy appreciation society,' he chuckled at the memory.

Xander's eyes widened comically, and Spike could see that he was trying to contain a laugh. 'What? Seriously?' He just nodded, grinning. Buffy groaned, but he could see the reluctant smirk on her face as she lowered her head into her hands.

'Had a whole little shrine and everything, framed portraits, photographs, really, really bad poetry. Even had a larger than life sculpture, done in a... classical style.'

Xander's grin slipped a little as he tried to figure this out. 'Classical? What, you mean, like...oh!' Spike chuckled as Xander's head whipped around to look at Buffy, who seemed to be trying to disappear under the table without leaving her seat. 'Now, that would have been something to see.'

'Oh, yeah. All that draping gauze... Left nothing to the imagination. And I, personally, never got to see that look on the girl's face.' He sighed happily at the picture in his head. 'Pure sex, that thing was.'

'Please tell me you went back with a camera,' Xander asked fervently, chuckling at the still cowering Buffy.

'Nah, bloody bint took a sledgehammer to it. By the time she was done all that was left was a big pile of white marble dust. Bleedin' tragedy, that. Told me that if I ever told anyone about it she would, and I quote 'chain me to a wall and spend weeks cutting off all my body parts, starting with the most important ones, one at a time, with a very blunt knife, until they stopped growing back and I became lots of very small piles of dust. With, I might add, a cd of the Backstreet Boys on continuous replay while she wasn't there.''

'Oh, Buffy,' Xander gasped, 'the Backstreet Boys? Cutting off unmentionables with a blunt knife I guess I could understand - although, can I just wince for the entire male population of the world? - but that takes torment to entirely new levels.'

Buffy perked up a little at this. 'Yeah, that was a good one, wasn't it?' she said wistfully. 'I suppose it won't work now, will it?'

Dawn was looking highly amused at Buffy's behavior. 'All right, I want to know what you're all talking about. What can have been so bad that you had to threaten to cut off Spike's balls and make him listen to boy bands?' she said sternly.

'No, no! That's fine!' Buffy was quick to interject. 'I think I've, er, heard enough to convince me the person you're talking to was there for that particular... encounter.'

Dawn looked like she really wanted to object, but Spike knew she would probably corner her sister in private and get the story out of her, now that she knew about it. 'Are you and Spike the only two who know about it? Did you ever tell Giles or Willow, or was there anyone else there?' she asked sensibly.

'I sure as hell know I never told anyone about that. I think we can be fairly sure Spike didn't either, seeing as the entire world doesn't know. What does your ghost say about the other people who were there?' she asked Xander.

Spike chuckled, amused that she still felt the need to test him, but answered obligingly. 'There were about a dozen vampires all up. They didn't put up much of a fight, stars in their eyes and all that, but she dusted every damn one of them, then set fire to their little shrine.'

'He says that you killed them all, about a dozen, even though they were overwhelmed by your presence, and put their shrine to the torch.'

'Damn right I did. Uppity little vampires,' she muttered. She shrugged after a moment, still looking a little uncertain, but said, 'Well, it certainly could be Spike. If it isn't, they've sure as hell done their homework. Unless it was digging through my mind?' she looked over at Dawn.

Dawn, however, shook her head resolutely. 'There are only one or two demons that can do that, but none of the ones I know of can become invisible or exist only on a higher plane. There are more demons that can read the surface of your mind. Were you thinking about this story of yours before Xander said anything about the sect?' Buffy shook her head. 'Then chances are, either the story came from Spike, or this is Spike.' Her eyes fairly sparkled at this prospect, and Spike felt something tighten in his chest. Dawn was the only one who had ever looked that excited just at the thought of seeing him. He had forgotten how much he had missed it.

As their breakfast slowly congealed in the kitchen, Xander explained what he knew of Spike's situation.

'That's... incredible,' Buffy said softly as he finished.

Dawn nodded her head slowly. 'That he was here the whole time... watching over us.'

Buffy frowned, looking a little disturbed. 'It's weird. I kinda think I should be more squicked out by that. But...'

'Who was he going to tell?' Dawn finished quietly.

'Yeah,' Buffy said shaking her head in confusion.

Dawn was looking around the room, but brought her eyes deliberately back to Xander. 'It must have been so lonely for him. Where is he now?' she asked him quietly.

Xander looked at her for a moment, before taking her hand and leading her over to the seat on the opposite side of the table, where Spike had been sitting the whole time they had been talking. He had half expected Spike to end up leaving, or at least start pacing around the room, but he had remained oddly still the whole time, watching Buffy and Dawn as he spoke to them. Spike turned to look at him a little strangely as he stood behind him, and Xander sent him a reassuring smile, turning back to look at Dawn.

He had known that this would hit Dawn the hardest. 'He's sitting right here, he's looking at you.' He reached out and placed his hand on Spike's shoulder. He stiffened, but didn't move away, relaxing into the touch after a moment. 'I've got my hand on his shoulder.' Dawn reached out a hand tentatively, passing it through Spike's chest.

'I can't feel anything,' she whispered brokenly. 'He's not there.' Faster than Xander could follow, Buffy was around the table and holding her sister in her arms.

Xander was astonished to notice that there were tears in the ex-vampire's eyes as he pulled him out of the chair and stood him beside the table. 'Dawnie, give me your hand,' he said gently. She looked a little confused, but disentangled herself from Buffy and complied. Xander carefully placed her right hand over his right hand, both their palms facing downward. He wasn't sure this would work, but he knew that Dawn needed something more to prove to her that Spike was really here. He knew how often she had wished for him those first couple of years, and she still spoke more about him more than any of the rest of them. He had never really understood their relationship, but he knew that Spike would do anything to protect her, and she in turn had made him part of her family. 'He's standing right in front of us, now. If I reached out I would be able to touch him,' he said, waiting for her to get the picture. Her eyes widened slightly, as did Spike's, he was amused to notice, and she glanced over at him. He smiled slightly and nodded, raising his right hand, Dawn's still balanced on top, so that his palm was inches away from Spike's chest. There, however, he stopped, relaxing his arm completely. Dawn had to do the rest. 'Go on,' he encouraged her.

She took a deep breath and pushed Xander's hand forward, gasping when it's progress was abruptly halted by seemingly empty air. Xander had his hand directly over Spike's heart, and although the body felt warm through the soft layer of his shirt, he couldn't feel a heartbeat. Dawn pushed a little harder, and Spike rocked slightly. 'Careful, Dawnie, you'll push him over,' he chuckled.

Dawn started moving his hand over Spike's chest, keeping up a steady pressure. She was starting to grin. 'He's really there, isn't he?' she asked excitedly. She glanced over at Buffy, who was looking wary, but curious. 'Buffy, this is amazing.'

'You'll have to let me try it,' she agreed.

Xander, however, suddenly had his mind on other things. Spike was starting to squirm. 'Uh, Dawnie, lets try to keep it above the waist, shall we. It is my hand you're using, let's not forget,' he said as he quickly moved his hand away from where Dawn had been taking it. He shrugged an apology at Spike, who just grinned at him. It looked like the blond was actually quite enjoying himself.

Dawn grinned unrepentantly at Xander. 'Sorry.' She let her hand trail over the body in front of her for a while longer, mapping out where it started and finished, before stepping away and pushing Buffy over to Xander. 'Your turn.'

Buffy looked at the air in front of her for a long moment before turning to look at Xander. He could see the old pain reflected in her eyes, the memory of the all the times she had touched the vampire in anger, in need, so very rarely in love. She didn't need to run her hands over him now, but he knew she needed proof. Xander nodded silently and she stepped into the circle of his arms, placing her hands on each of his. He looked at Spike, but he was staring at Buffy, so he raised his hands to hover them on either side of Spike's face. When he stopped, Buffy pushed his hands forward, closing her eyes as they met resistance. A tiny smile twisted her lips as she raised her eyes to about where Spike's were. 'We missed you, Spike,' was all she said. Then she carefully placed a kiss on Xander's fingertips, before guiding them back to Spike's cheek. Dawn stepped over and did the same with Xander's other hand, her eyes brimming with emotion.

Spike, himself, looked like he was trying desperately to remember how to be the Big Bad and failing miserably. Xander could tell that he was floored by what had happened. He let his fingers move gently over Spike's cheek for just a moment before turning to grin at the girls. 'All right, you've successfully reduced the Big Bad to a little puddle of emotional goo. I think it's time we move on. Besides, it may look to you like I'm running my hands over thin air, but to me it looks like I've been fondling Spike, and that's just too weird for me to dwell on for very much longer.'

Dawn grinned back, but they both removed their hands. Buffy smiled mischievously at him. 'I don't know Xander. If Spike looks the same as I remember, running your hands all over him shouldn't be any great hardship.'

Dawn nodded sagely, her eyes dancing. 'She's right, Xander, when was the last time you got to fondle a chest that good looking? Or has our favorite ex-vampire been letting himself go?'

Xander let his eye's rake over Spike's body, starting at the bottom, lingering around the middle and ending at a pair of outraged eyes that were fighting a losing battle with shock. 'Got yourselves a point guys. It may be Spike, but that's certainly a chest to write home about. Did it always look that good?' he asked curiously, inwardly grinning at the expression on the other man's face.

'Oh, yeah,' they both said fervently. ''Course,' Buffy continued, 'it's got nothing on Angel's.'

'Oi!' This broke into Spike's stupor.

Xander finally grinned. 'That's got him. What more proof do you need?' Xander laughed at him. 'It's ok, Spike, Buffy's just biased. Dawn and I both think your chest is much nicer than Angel's. Isn't that right Dawn?'

'Absolutely,' Dawn laughed.

Finally catching on, Spike allowed a reluctant smirk to escape. 'Soddin' wankers,' he grumbled.

'Spike thanks us for the compliment, Dawn,' he grinned.

'I'll just bet he does.' She grinned happily. 'This is so unbelievable, you know. I mean, Spike's back, or here, or whatever. I can't wait to call Willow and Giles. I just know I'm never going to get any work done today.' She stopped abruptly, looking down at her watch. 'Oh my god. It's nearly nine thirty. I've got a conference call starting in a matter of minutes and we haven't even eaten yet,' she groaned. Then she perked up a bit. 'On the other hand, I am the boss. I could just blow off all today's meetings...' She trailed off at the stern look on Buffy's face. 'Yeah, yeah, I know. It was just a thought,' she grumbled. Looking in Spike's general direction, she said, 'I wish I could see you, Spike. Still, don't disappear on Xander. I'm not going to lose you again,' she stated firmly.

'M'not going anywhere, little bit,' Spike said fondly, his fingers reaching out to hover near her face.

'He says he's not going anywhere, little bit,' Xander repeated. Dawn's breath hitched a little at the moniker, and she flashed him a dazzling, if slightly watery smile.

Buffy smiled gently at her. 'We'll continue this over dinner. Now, go, run. We'll heat up your breakfast and bring it up in a little while.'

Dawn sighed but nodded. 'Dinner, I'll hold you to that. You make sure you keep your eye on him, Xander.' She gave them both a hug and another giddy smile before visibly collecting herself and leaving them alone.

As Xander and Buffy wandered over to the kitchen to reheat their food, Jesse, Marina and Nicola walked into the dining room, followed a few minutes later by the rest of the resident slayers. Their day didn't officially start until ten thirty, given the late hours they were forced to keep. After their family breakfast, Dawn would get to work, Buffy would head down to the gym or the oval to set up for the morning's training, and Xander would stumble upstairs to bed. Usually, they were gone before any of the girls came in to breakfast. Since the spell, however, Xander had found he had a lot more energy, and this morning he was positively wired.

They swung around at the surprised, 'Xander, Buffy,' from the doorway and Xander frowned when he discovered that he still couldn't quite distinguish the girls through the light surrounding them. He had found with Buffy and Dawn that after a little while he had been able to see through the glow a little, enough to make eye contact at least, although it helped that Dawn, unlike anyone else he had seen so far, glowed a faint green. 'Xan, you're lookin' all visiony 'n see through, but you're eyes're normal,' Jesse, he knew from the voice, frowned. 'What gives? Is something wrong?'

'No, I'm good, just a second.' He tuned towards Spike, who was lounging against the wall, a question in his eyes.

'Yeah, off you go. Should really get going anyways. Got people to protect and all that. I'll be around.' He forestalled Xander before he could even open his mouth. 'And, yes, I'll be back for your dinner, although I don't mind saying I reckon it's bloody unfair of you to make me watch you all eat.' He paused, the irritation fading from his face to be replaced with a tiny, slightly dazed smile. He reached out a hand to touch Xander's shoulder. 'Fucking unbelievable,' he said softly, wondrously. Looking up into Xander's knowing face the smile turned self-deprecating, and he poked a sharp fingernail into the shoulder, making Xander rock back slightly. 'Shut the hell up, you.' The words were said without menace.

Xander just chuckled quietly. 'Good to have you back, blondie.' Then he phased out, and the man disappeared.

*****

Part 2b. In which Spike contemplates Xander, and is forced to confront some of the memories that have been tormenting him.
 

Spike, however, didn't leave immediately. He watched absently as they sat around the table chatting for a little while, Xander assuring the girls that the side effects of the spell were nothing for them to worry about. He had to smile at the way Xander treated the slayers, the way he just automatically made them a part of his family. Marina, the newest slayer, had arrived from Japan with Willow the night Xander had died. Spike had arrived to see her standing in the middle of the room, confused and obviously frightened. Like him, she had watched from the other room, seen the blood all over Xander's face, although she had turned away when Willow started the spell. She may have been new to the slaying business, but even she must have been able to feel the power building in the room. She had still been there afterwards, trying not to listen to the conversation between the four of them. Spike knew it could have been awkward between Xander and the girl, but the man had made a concerted effort to draw her out of her shell, even putting to use the smattering of Japanese that Willow's language spell made mostly unnecessary. She, like almost every slayer before her, had been unable to resist the devastating smile that Xander reserved just for his girls. Spike had seen many a confused, scared or belligerent girl cave before that huge, happy and just slightly self-effacing grin that went all the way to his bi-colored eyes. It didn't help them a whit that Xander found out all about them from Willow before they arrived, was actually interested in getting to know them, and didn't treat them like slayers, just like girls who were a long way from home and needed, more than anything, to see a friendly face.

Spike smirked a little. Of course, the fact that he was really in very good shape had nothing to do with it. He had felt the muscles in the man's body as he had held him briefly the night before. He had always been fit, what with the demands that slaying and construction had placed on him, but he was slimmer now than he used to be. Spike had a feeling that was because the pain from the visions had kept him from eating the way he used to, but in a way they had done him a favor. And Spike had seen him training with Buffy. He was no slayer, but he could hold his own against the newer recruits, his lean, wiry build and innate confidence giving him an edge and appeal that he had conspicuously lacked as a youth.

All of which brought back the memory of Xander running his hands over Spike's body. He wasn't entirely sure how to feel about that. Extenuating circumstances there may have been, but it was still Xander Harris, who had feared him, hated him, treated him like dirt, and who may have come to tolerate him, but had never gone so far as to like him.

On the other hand, it wasn't, not really, not anymore. Xander hadn't been one of his charges after the destruction of Sunnydale, not until the Powers gave him the visions, and although he had protected the boy on occasion, he had never really spent much time around him when he wasn't with Buffy or Dawn. After he had received the visions, he had started paying more attention, but by then Xander hadn't really needed protecting, at least not from anything physical.

So although he had been peripherally aware of the boy growing up, the changes in the man's attitude towards him were taking him by surprise. Most especially, how comfortable he was being physically. The old Xander had almost never touched him, unless it was in anger. This one was treating him like a friend, hugging him, touching his face. Although, Spike smirked, he suspected he had never run his hands over any of his friends' chests in quite that manner. Not that he hadn't liked it. It probably should have made him uncomfortable, but every time the man touched him it made him a little giddy, the thought that he was actually able to touch someone again after so long. He knew he shouldn't get used to it. No matter what Xander said, magic was uncertain at the best of times, and even if it turned out that the spell really couldn't be reversed, Xander still had the power to cut him off from the world again, if he decided to. He honestly didn't think the man would do that, but the lack of control was frustrating to say the least.

He was suddenly distracted by Buffy's laughter and his eyes were drawn inexorably to her face, his hand going unconsciously to where her kiss had touched his cheek. That was perhaps the best gift he had been given today, or possibly ever. He had long ago resigned himself to the fact that he would never be able to feel Buffy or Dawn again, and Xander's actions had been entirely unexpected. It hadn't even occurred to him to try something like that. Closing his eyes, it had almost felt like being alive again. He knew that his soul had never really loved her, but the only time the demon had ever really been at peace was when it held her in its arms, and for a moment the screams had been drowned out by the love and acceptance he saw in the three pairs of eyes before him.

He had never really understood before how the Powers expected him to find happiness in the cold, inhuman world in which they had placed him, but for the first time in years, he allowed himself to hope that he might. He closed his eyes and curled his fingers over his cheek again, relishing the memory of a smooth palm with rough calluses flitting over his skin. Even though, on some level, he was slightly disturbed by how safe, cared for, that memory made him feel, he didn't stop the smile that ghosted over his lips.

Buffy and Xander leaving jolted him from his thoughts. He really did have work to do. He'd already blown off half the night and a good part of the morning. He hadn't felt the tug that told him one of his charges was facing imminent death, but that didn't mean he shouldn't check on them anyway. With a shake of his head, he threw off his musings and disappeared.

******

Two days later, Xander received a worried phone call from Willow. Knowing that any phone call from Dawn was sure to be more then just a little confusing, he had sent her an e-mail detailing everything that had happened to him over the past week or so, and everything he knew about what had happened to Spike. She was in Australia at the moment, where the latest slayer had been called. Willow was in charge of finding and bringing all the new slayers to America for their year of training. Generally, she spent about a month with each of the girls and their families, gently introducing them to the idea that their little girl was essentially a superhero. Some took it better than others, but all of them had come in the end. But then, they did offer as many incentives as possible. The council was actually officially a private, very selective school, and they did their best to teach each of the girls whatever they were missing out on, so they could easily slip back into the curriculum when they went home. Willow would occasionally accompany the slayers back to Ohio, but more often than not she would just go straight to the next destination, keeping in touch by phone and e-mail.

For the second time in a row, however, Willow promised to come home when her latest charge was ready. Xander was fairly sure there was nothing to worry about, but he couldn't bring himself to protest all that much. He was always happy to see Willow, whatever the reason.

Xander was surprised to find that, once they got all the really deep and meaningful stuff out of the way, Spike was actually a lot of fun to have around. He was getting used to having to mediate between him and the girls, and increasingly looked forward to one or two am, when Spike would appear to keep him company after coming in from patrolling. It was getting harder and harder for him to remember that the man wasn't real, although every time he walked through the coffee table, or just appeared out of nowhere, it was brought back to him. He couldn't really explain to himself the deep disappointment he felt every time that happened. Why it felt like more than just regret for the fact that Spike had had to die.

They spent a lot of their time discussing demons and visions, but in between, Spike would fill him in on how he had spent the last fifteen years, and Xander discovered that Spike actually knew very little about him, since he hadn't needed much protection after the visions and hadn't been touched by the Powers before. He also found that just sitting, watching TV, listening to the radio, whatever, and not talking was just as enjoyable, but more than that it was comfortable, like the past and the pain were forgotten and they could just be.

*****

Spike, too, was getting used to the new arrangement. In a practical sense, very little had actually changed for him. Xander was the only one who could see him, and the man didn't spend a lot of his time around Buffy or Dawn anyway. Still, it felt like a lot more than that. For a couple of hours each day he could pretend that he wasn't invisible to the people he cared about the most. Buffy and Dawn both made a concerted effort to include him in their conversations, and he was becoming more comfortable relying on Xander to relay his replies, although there were a lot of things the man simply refused to repeat. Which, he had to admit, was half the reason he said them. Watching Xander try to contain his laughter at Spike's snide comments, while the girls demanded to know exactly what was so funny was more entertaining than it should have been for a one hundred and fifty year old ex-vampire higher being. Actually, just watching Xander was more enjoyable than it should have been, but he'd gotten good at ignoring emotions like that, and this was no exception.

They were sitting together nearly three weeks later, some time after two in the morning, talking about the vision Spike had just helped out with, when Xander brought up something they hadn't discussed since that first night. Spike was sitting close beside Xander, leaning slightly to the side so that their shoulders were touching. He'd started doing that weeks ago, without even realizing it. When Xander had shifted beside him, he had jerked away, but the man hadn't called him on it, just given him that gentle smile and taken his hand before going back to work. So he had allowed himself to settle back in and by now the position was almost second nature. Xander still took his hand occasionally, although he knew it was just because the man knew how much he craved the contact.

Just as he was doing now, flexing his hand so Spike could feel the changes in pressure. By now, the movement was involuntary, and Spike looked over with a smile to see Xander relaxed back into the couch, his eyes closed.

'What do you remember about being a demon, Spike?' The words were said calmly, quietly, with just a hint of curiosity. Spike felt like he'd been punched in the gut. When he tried to jerk away, however, his hand was suddenly held in a vice-like grip and two deep eyes opened to stare at him, holding him even more firmly than the hand on his wrist. 'Why do its memories bother you so much that you aren't able to forgive yourself for someone else's actions?'

He didn't want to talk about this. Talking about it would mean having to think about it, and ignoring it had been getting so much easier over the past couple of weeks. His eyes skittered around the room, searching for something, anything, that would mean he didn't have to have this conversation. Xander wasn't moving, wasn't speaking, but his hand started tracing soft patterns on Spike's skin, drawing his gaze.

Then he was looking into eyes that showed nothing, no judgment, no pity and no fear, just calm acceptance. Even as his mind shouted, screamed, tried desperately to stop this, looking into those eyes, Spike found himself replying.

'They weren't.'

Xander cocked his head slightly, but his expression didn't change. 'They weren't someone else's actions?'

Spike was lost in those eyes. Looking into the blue eye he felt like he was spiraling upwards, into light, into peace. At the same time, the deep brown eye was like a window to the man's soul, pulling him down into a lifetime's worth of pain and compassion. Focused on those eyes, he felt distant, separate from himself. He felt like he should be falling apart, or coming together. And maybe he was, because again, he replied.

'I was there.'

'You remember being there, but your soul wasn't. You aren't responsible for the actions of the demon.' It felt like Xander was speaking straight into his mind, his voice deep, soft, calming. In some distant corner, he was wondering what the hell was going on, but he couldn't look away. All he could see were those eyes, like two pools of color, light and dark, black and white, looking at him, through him, into him.

Spike shook his head slowly, the answer drawn from his lips. 'You don't understand. It wasn't just the demon. I lost my soul when I died, but I didn't lose my mind. That's why I remember. How could I remember if I hadn't been there at all, if it was just the demon?'

The voice became deeper, more distant. 'The heart controls the mind, Spike, not the other way around. When you gained a demon, you lost your heart, the part of you that chose to be a good person. The demon controlled your mind in the same way that it controlled your body. You wonder how, if you were there, you could have allowed the demon to do those things, but that isn't how it works. Without a soul, a conscience, your mind is just a tool, able to be used, just like anything else.' A part of him wondered; how would the man know that? How could he know anything about this? But a bigger part of him recognized the certainty in the voice, the power in the eyes.

'Pr'haps, but does that really change anything?'

Something changed, then he was falling, or flying, and the world was coming together again, the power fading. 'I don't know. Maybe not. But it's something to think about. You'll have to deal with it eventually.'

He knew that this was true. 'I killed more people in my day... How can I just forget that?'

'You probably shouldn't. But that's not really the point, is it?' The voice reached his ears from the man in front of him.

Spike blinked, and all of a sudden, he was just looking at Xander, his eyes colored, looking slightly amused, but otherwise completely normal. They were still holding hands, hadn't moved at all as far as Spike could tell. He glanced around the room quickly. The clock on the TV said only a few minutes had passed. He could remember the conversation vividly, like it was etched into his brain. 'Ahh... what the bloody hell just happened here?'

Xander sighed, his eyes becoming serious. 'I know you don't want to talk about your past, Spike. But you have to at least start thinking about it. Obviously, the Powers agree. That wouldn't have worked, otherwise.'

Spike was having a hard time pulling his thoughts together. What had Xander done to him? And what did the bloody Powers That Be have to do with it? He hadn't meant to say any of that. It was hard enough repressing all that crap without having to talk about it. He calmed down considerably, however, when he discovered that he wasn't being overwhelmed by memories. Usually, talk of his relationship with his demon did that, had him huddled in a corner, screaming or crying. Now, however, he still felt... separate. Not objective, exactly, just... distant. He frowned. As nice as it was, he didn't appreciate having things done to him, especially when he didn't understand them.

'What did you do to me, Harris? I feel different.'

He was irritated to note that Xander was back to being amused. 'Cool, huh? It's the eye, the new, well new-er, one. Don't really know how it works, but I don't think it was always mine. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. This eye? Window to something else entirely. I've never looked into my own eye, naturally, but I've been told it's a seriously wiggy experience when it goes all higher being-y.'

Spike had to laugh a little at that. 'Yeah. Wiggy. One way to describe it, I guess. But I've looked you in the eye before, mate, and I can say with certainty that that has never happened.'

Xander shrugged. 'Yeah, well, I can't really control it. I mean I can, to an extent, but it doesn't always co-operate. I have to specifically want someone to tell me the truth. Wasn't sure it'd work on you, to tell the truth. I dunno how it happens, really. It's kind of like I'm... channeling someone, or something. Possibly the thing that last had the eye, but I try not to think about that too much, 'cause there is a seriously creepy thought.' He paused and looked over at Spike. 'Are you ok? I mean, you said you feel different. Anything I should worry about?'

Spike gave this some serious thought. He tentatively brought forward a random memory, waiting for the screaming to start, and it did, but it was further away, easier to manage. In fact, as he studied the man he had killed, took note of his appearance, his face, remembered his name, his family, the pain seemed to lessen. Disturbed and not a little confused, he dragged his mind back to the present. 'No, nothing to worry about,' he replied distantly.

Xander frowned. 'You sure? You want to talk about it?'

Spike shook his head and determined to contemplate what had happened later, in private. 'No,' he said firmly. 'Not yet.' He smiled reassuringly when Xander continued to look concerned. 'Really. Although, you wanna warn me the next time you try something like that?'

Xander grinned. 'No. So, you looking forward to seeing Willow?'

Spike grimaced, but let the other man change the subject. Not much he could do about it anyway, was there? 'Saw her this afternoon. She was getting on a plane in Sydney. New slayer's quite a looker. A natural fighter, too, from what I've seen.'

'Yeah, Willow says she's got a lot of potential.' Spike rolled his eyes at the exceptionally bad pun. Xander grinned. 'She's bringing her older sister as well, apparently, to train as a watcher or a witch, or both I guess.'

Spike started to relax again, although the memory of what had happened was never far from his mind, as their conversation played out along less traumatic lines. He supposed that was one thing about Xander, the man never pushed him too far, always seemed to know when to back off. Yet another bonus to go along with the visions, he supposed. The man certainly hadn't ever known when to shut his mouth when he was younger. Neither of them brought it up again, and the night disappeared with visions and comfortable conversation.

******

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