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Part 3c. In which Willow has a surprise for Christmas, and the gang gets to see Spike.
 

Spike knew a brief moment of panic as he relaxed back into the chair. What the hell did he think he was doing? Not only had they never talked about this, which Spike took to be an exceptionally bad sign, given they had actually kissed twice already, but they were also in a room full of people, most of whom couldn't even see him.

It wasn't like they could have any sort of relationship anyway. No matter how happy Xander made him feel, how much he was prepared to help, the peace that he had already brought, he deserved more than a man he could never even introduce to his friends. He had no idea how long he would even be around. Moving on, finding peace and happiness had never really seemed like an option, he had always kind of assumed he would be around forever.

It was the only thing that scared him about this whole situation. Would he have to leave? Would finding peace come at the cost of losing his family, the people he had only just found again? This was supposed to be his reward. Surely they wouldn't do that to him. But that was the rub, wasn't it? From what he knew, that was exactly the sort of thing the Powers would do. They had never cared about him before, had never done anything, as far as he knew, that didn't end up causing someone pain, somewhere down the line. Why should he think this time would be any different? The problem was, he didn't know that it really made any difference. The promise of peace, of happiness, no matter how little of it he might end up having, was just not something he had the strength to refuse. He was so tired, of the pain, the screaming, the hate, tired of being used.

While he would love to stay here for as long as possible, he wouldn't make himself miserable on the off-chance finding some happiness with Xander would send him away. If he were only going to get a moment of perfect happiness, then he would take it. And if, as he hoped, he did get to stay for as long as he wished, no matter when he found his peace, he would thank the Powers then.

The problem, of course, was finding out how Xander felt about him. Preferably without having to ask, he thought with a mental grimace. He thought he could probably be happy to merely be the man's friend, but he couldn't deny that he did want more than that. If the Powers had redeemed him, Xander had certainly saved him, and he could have loved him for that alone. But he had also proved himself a true friend, and that was a relationship Spike had never before experienced. It saddened him slightly to think that his pride, Xander's anger, and too many uncontrollable circumstances had robbed him of this those last few years of his life. He had seen it, of course; Xander was self-sacrificing, loyal to a fault, and totally committed to his friends, but he had never been one of them.

Now, they had more in common that Spike would ever have believed possible. The darkness in Xander called to him, the pain in his eyes a mirror to his own. The man had seen more suffering than any of them, knew the evil as well as he did, who had lived it, saw the world in as many shades of gray, and still fought to save as much of the good as he was able. The fact that he was still able to contain so much light, so much hope and joy, took his breath away. Xander's humor might be self-deprecating, even a little black, but it was real. The world had beaten him down, but it had never defeated him, and he had never given up on it. It was partly why he had fallen in love with Buffy. She had embodied the same duality of light and dark, and it grieved him to think that she had almost lost herself to that darkness because of him. It was an indication just how strong Xander was that he had not done the same.

He didn't know exactly what it would take to make him happy, but he knew in his soul that it would involve Xander. He did know that he wanted to be loved. He wanted to experience love that wasn't tarnished by pain, or hate or disinterest. And he wanted passion, but without the violence that had characterized every one of his past relationships. For him, love had always meant pain, and he had accepted that, craved it even, unable to stop himself no matter how many times his heart was ripped apart. And in a way that was okay. He had been a vampire, thrived on the suffering of others, as well as his own.

But he wasn't anymore. He wasn't human again, but in a very real way, he was closer to the man he had once been than the vampire he had become. God knew, even human relationships weren't always happy, but he knew that they could be, and he knew that, like himself, Xander had witnessed too much pain, known too much suffering to want that in a relationship. If there was anyone on earth who wouldn't lie to him, or deliberately hurt him, but throw his heart into making him happy, it was Xander. He had proven that already.

Every day he could feel himself falling a little more for this man. And for the first time it was easy, purely uncomplicated. He was content to just feel. There was no one to answer to, nothing to fear. He didn't even feel a burning desire to make Xander love him back. Xander was the only person in his world, literally, but even if that changed tomorrow, it was too late. Xander had opened himself up, and Spike had seen into him, seen a soul almost as beaten and broken as his own, yet still standing, still willing to befriend a once-hated enemy, to heal him, to give him hope.

Which was why he was prepared to wait for as long as he had to. Xander had already shown him love, as he had never known it, the same unswerving devotion and concern he showed his friends, his family. So as much as he wanted passion, wanted to lose himself in the other man, his eyes, his lips, his body, what he had now was enough. Even if Xander never came to think of him that way, it would be enough.

None of which meant he would give up. He would give him space, but he knew he hadn't imagined the look in Xander's eyes tonight, or up on the roof all those weeks ago. Not passion, but maybe just not yet. There was no hurry. He would do this right. This was his second chance, his last chance, and he would not bollix it up. Not this time.

Everyone was looking their way curiously as Xander came out his vision, his free hand going to his forehead to massage his temples for a moment.

''You ok, Xander?' Cordelia asked with an understanding smile.

'Yeah, sure, the throbbing pain just keeps you in your toes, right?' he shrugged philosophically. They shared a meaningful glance, before he turned to Willow and Fred at the laptop. 'You wanna send that thing over here, Wills? This shouldn't take long.' Willow positively bounced out of her chair, sending him a blindingly cheerful grin. He chuckled at her as she bounded across the room. 'You're such a kid,' he said affectionately as he started typing.

She batted him on the back of the head, but didn't stop smiling. 'Well, it's Christmas! A time for family and giving, and coming together, and peace and happiness and... twinkly lights and decorations and... and eggnog and presents!' she enthused.

'And Christmas carols,' Wesley added seriously, his eyes sparkling.

'Yes!' she exclaimed. 'Oh!' Spike wondered that she wasn't jumping up and down clapping her hands. 'We can get Giles and Spike to sing for us!'

Buffy eyed her best friend with amusement. 'Well, we could if Spike wasn't invisible. But I'm sure Xander would appreciate it.'

Oddly enough, this didn't seem to faze the witch. 'Oh, right, well, sure,' she grinned.

Spike regarded her warily. What was she up to? And more importantly, what did it have to do with him? Apparently he wasn't the only one wondering. 'What are you up to, Willow?' Dawn asked sternly, her eyes laughing.

'Me?' Her eyes went wide. 'Nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, it's a surprise. Oooh, it's so exciting!' Spike rolled his eyes fondly. She really was jumping up and down now.

'A surprise, huh? Who's it for?' They were all paying attention now, Willow's enthusiasm becoming infectious.

'Well, it's for everyone, kind of. Except maybe Gunn and Fred.' She frowned a little. 'And Wes.' Her face cleared. 'But they can enjoy it too. Mostly it's for Spike. And that's as much as I'm saying 'till Christmas.' Her eyes twinkled at the chorus of groans. Spike was starting to get worried. She wasn't going to put a spell on him, was she? He didn't care how powerful she'd become; this was still Willow they were talking about.

'Spike, huh?' Buffy commented. 'Well, I wouldn't worry too much, Spike. Willow's gotten much better at spells, haven't you Wills? So, is it a new one? Something experimental, maybe?' Buffy was grinning wickedly.

'Oh, thanks heaps, Slayer. I'll just stand behind you, shall I? See what it does to you first,' he muttered mutinously, still glancing suspiciously at the witch. He jumped a little when Xander snorted under his breath, glancing up to give him a sympathetic grin.

The man quickly scanned the page, nodded to himself, punched a few more keys, and placed the laptop on the floor. Shoving Spike's feet off his lap, he stood, stretching for a moment before walking around the couch to stand in front of Willow, a serious expression on his face. The bouncing stilled almost at once. 'Xander, what's wrong? Was it the vision? Oh, god, is everything all right?'

Xander placed his arms around her waist and pulled her close, leaning back so he could look her in the eye. 'Relax, Wills, everything is fine,' he said calmly. 'But, I have something to tell you.' He sounded serious. What then, was prompting the renewed bouncing and the return of the shit-eating grin? Everyone else was looking concerned as well. He glanced around again. No, they weren't. Buffy and Giles were both completely relaxed, Buffy obviously trying to suppress a smile. After a moment of confusion he realized what must be going on. Their connection, the one that let them speak mind-to-mind, to know if the other was in danger. Willow had to be broadcasting excitement like a kid at Disneyland, and Xander was obviously not panicking, either. Xander swept the little witch into a hug, leaning down to whisper in her ear, 'Merry Christmas.' He pulled back and tapped his watch, a huge grin spreading over his face. 'It has now officially been Christmas for three and a half minutes. You've got no excuses for keeping us in suspense. Spill,' he told her sternly.

She rolled her eyes, but wasn't doing a very good impression of reluctance. 'Fine, if you insist. Gather 'round, I'll be back in a sec.'

She sped from the room as everyone moved to sit around the fireplace, discussing exactly what she had in store for them. Moments later, Willow was back, carrying a small box that, to Spike's eyes, was pulsing with a bright, white light.

Xander apparently noticed as well. 'Uh, Wills, your box is glowing.'

'Really?' She peered at it curiously. 'Well, I guess that makes sense. It's got a spirit guarding it and, more importantly, the contents.' She grinned, obviously bursting with anticipation. She glanced over at Xander, and he directed his gaze to where Spike was sitting on the couch. Following suit, Willow looked at him almost directly. 'Now, Spike, when I open this, I want you to pick up what's inside.'

Spike narrowed his eyes, confused. 'I thought Spike couldn't touch anything,' Angel said with a frown.

'He should be able to, in this case. I guess we'll see in a moment. Ready?' Not waiting for an answer, she opened the box to reveal a ring, made of what looked like sliver, with a large black stone in the center. The surprising thing, however, was that it looked completely solid. Most of the time objects were transparent, emanating a kind of muted glow that he could manipulate, treat as solid. This thing looked as real as Xander when he was phased. Wonderingly, he reached out and picked up the ring, cradling it in the palm of his hand. He looked up at several startled gasps.

'What?' He looked over at Xander, who shrugged.

'Yeah, what?' He looked around at the others.

Willow chuckled, back to grinning and bouncing. 'It worked! Oh, this is so cool! Don't worry, Spike, it looks like the ring is floating, to the rest of us. Now!' she exclaimed, 'I need you to hold it in the palm of your hand while I bind it to you.'

'Bind it to him?' Xander said anxiously. 'Willow, what exactly is this thing for? It's not dangerous is it?'

'Oh, no,' she answered quickly. 'It's not even permanent. I promise there's nothing to worry about. I know what I'm doing. I've been working on this for months, and there is nothing I'm about to do that can't be undone, if that's what Spike wants. Now, when I said I want to bind it to him, I just mean I want to make it so no one else can use it. That's all. Is that ok, Spike? We don't have to do this if you don't want to.' She sounded so earnest, but there was a hint of real disappointment under there, such that Spike didn't have the heart to refuse her. Besides, he had to admit that he was intrigued, and if Willow gave her word that nothing was going to be permanent anyway, he figured he could take the chance.

Curling his fingers around the ring resting on his palm, he nodded to Xander, who flashed him a smile. 'He's good to go, Wills,' he reported.

'Great!' She clapped her hands, grinning again. 'Everyone should probably stand back. Spike, you wanna come stand over here?' She gestured to the clear space behind the couches, beside the table. Grasping the ring more tightly, he did as instructed, facing Willow warily. She smiled at him, in his general direction, anyway, as she stood facing him. 'Ok, for the first part of the spell, I need you to hold the ring in the palm of your hand. Don't clench your fingers over it or anything. When I tell you, I want you to put it on. You can test it out now to see where it fits. Give me a sec, and then we'll start. I've already done most of the hard work, so the whole thing shouldn't take long.' He quickly tried the ring on, finding it fit best on the middle finger of his left hand. As he did so, he watched Willow center and ground herself, all the nervous energy of a couple of minutes ago visibly leaking away. He could feel the air start to thrum around her as she stood up straighter, lifted her head, shedding the excited little girl she usually wore like a skin. This was the Witch, confident, and powerful as hell.

A non-existent breeze ruffled Willow's hair slightly as she stood there, but Spike relaxed slightly as she opened her eyes. They were hers. Green; not white, which meant this wasn't an exceptionally powerful spell, and not black, which meant she was in complete control.

'Ready?' she asked distantly. Taking a deep breath, he placed the ring on his open palm and, never taking his eyes off her, nodded.
 

Xander had been watching the same transformation over by the fireplace, although most of his thoughts were with Spike. The man looked nervous as hell, which Xander supposed he could understand. But he could also feel that Willow was completely sure of herself. And if she was that confident, he knew everything would be all right. Still, he wished he could reassure Spike of that.

When Spike nodded in answer to Willow's question, he used their bond to send his response to her, not wanting to chance interrupting the ritual.

She lifted one hand to hover over the ring, and started muttering to herself quietly. He couldn't understand exactly what she was saying, although he could feel the power swelling in the room, could see Willow become brighter as she drew that power into herself. The ring started to pulse with a corresponding radiance that, as he watched, resolved itself into strangely chaotic lines and whorls. The silver of the ring moved like quicksilver, the golden lines forming and reforming as the black stone lightened through gray, until it, too pulsed with a brilliant white light.

It was only then that Willow issued the terse command for Spike to place the ring on his finger. With the barest hesitation, he complied.

Xander was halfway across the room when Spike suddenly cried out in pain. There was blood dripping from the finger Spike had placed the ring on. But with the power eddying around the two of them, he couldn't get close. He would have stopped Willow, gone into her mind if he'd had to, if, at that moment, Spike hadn't whipped his head around and warned him away with a fierce look. He stopped in confusion, knowing he had to trust them, aching to run in there and stop whatever was hurting his friend. But Spike was looking at Willow, his clenched fist held out in front of him like an offering, and in the back of his mind, Xander noticed that she was looking at Spike. Directly.

Willow's hair was flying now in a breeze that he still couldn't feel, her skirt snapping around her ankles, Spike's black shirt billowing a little around his chest. She spoke in a quiet voice that echoed around the room, 'It is bound. Shall I activate it?'

Spike's eyes never left Willow's. 'Yes.' Before Xander could even think about relaying this, Willow smiled briefly, distantly and began the next part of her spell. She spoke in ancient Greek, which Xander knew passably well, calling on the primordial goddess Gaea, mediator between the higher and lower worlds, between light and darkness, life and death, source of the physical universe, present in all reality. Barely pausing for breath, she switched to Latin, her voice demanding now, rather than supplicating as she appealed to Janus, god of doorways, thresholds.

All the while the ring was becoming brighter and brighter, the patterns swirling frantically around the metal of the ring, then, with the call to Gaea, bleeding over onto Spike's skin, tracing lines over his arms, his chest, until his entire body was covered. He was breathing heavily, his mouth open, his eyes wide, but his body rock steady as he gazed at the witch. Then, as Willow shouted for Janus to open the doorway, the lines of light disappeared inside Spike, before both he and the ring pulsed with a radiance so bright that Xander had to slam his eyes shut.

He immediately opened them to slits, but the light was already fading, and both Spike and Willow were slumped to their knees, Spike looking at his still-glowing form curiously, Willow back to grinning like a maniac.

A faint whimper from behind him caused him to turn. Everyone looked stunned. Buffy was clutching at Angel, her eyes wide and shining. Angel, while looking equally astonished, was actually starting to smile. Giles had taken off his glasses and was furiously polishing them. Wes and Gunn had their mouths hanging open, while Cordelia had clamped a hand over her own. Fred was grinning, her eyes dancing, looking more excited than amazed. However, it was Dawn he had heard. She had fallen to her knees on the carpet, her hands clenched to her mouth, her eyes filling with tears.

What had provoked this reaction, he thought? As far as he could tell, the only thing that Willow had managed to do was make Spike glow a little. It was very pretty, but it was hardly earth shattering.

Then his head snapped around as it finally occurred to him what they were all looking at. They were looking at Spike. Invisible Spike. Every one of them had their eyes directly trained on him.

Half afraid to test his theory, he focused his eyes on the other man, the man only he could see, and phased out.

Spike looked up from where he was kneeling on the floor, his blue eyes vibrant, his pale skin luminescent. He stood gracefully and smiled, a warm, delighted smile. 'Hello, all,' he said cheerfully. 'Good to see me again, is it?'

His words broke the spell that had everyone dumbfounded, and Dawn flung herself to her feet and across the room, followed closely by Buffy, Angel and Giles. She stopped only long enough to glance at Willow, who nodded once and grinned, before throwing herself at Spike. When she didn't fall through him, and he didn't disappear, she buried her head in his chest, her arms going around his waist, her body wracked with sobs.

Spike seemed slightly taken aback, but his arms wound themselves around her, one hand rubbing circles on her back while the other gently stroked her hair. 'S'okay, Dawn, it's okay. Come on, it's only me, little bit,' he murmured.

She pulled back with a strangled laugh. 'Spike, oh my god, Spike.' Tears continued to stream forgotten down her face, but now she was smiling, grinning, and she ran a wondering hand over his face before pulling him back into a powerful hug.

This time he just laughed. 'Take that as a yes, shall I?' Still, Xander noticed with a smile of his own that Spike wasn't rushing to push Dawn away. His hands kept moving over her back, and he would swear that his eyes seemed brighter than usual.

He smirked a little as Spike raised his head, his gaze going unerringly to where Xander was standing by the table. Spike ducked his head, giving a wry smile of his own. But his expression gentled as he took in the wonder on Spike's face. Then his heart sped up as those beautiful blue eyes seemed to focus, holding him motionless as they filled with not just warmth, but heat. He thought he might have shivered, as that contemplative, expectant gaze lingered on him. Mentally berating himself that this was neither the time nor the place, Xander deliberately forced his expression back to a grin, and gestured with his eyes towards Buffy, who was practically vibrating where she was standing next to Angel. With one last glance that seemed to promise more than Xander was really comfortable thinking about, Spike turned back to Dawn. He dropped a kiss on her head before gently easing her out of his arms and turning to Buffy.

Not even glancing at Angel, she stepped forward, smiling softly. 'Buffy...' Spike uttered her name softly, eyes tearing up again as for the first time in fifteen years she heard it, and smiled. He tentatively reached out his free hand to her face. Xander could see the uncertainty on his face, and smiled as Spike glanced his way briefly. Taking a deep breath, the other man reached out and gently traced his fingers over the soft line of her jaw. She closed her eyes as one tear sloped over her cheek and turned her head into the caress, her whole body relaxing and a smile breaking out on her face. Spike was staring at his hand as he whispered again, 'Buffy.' He barely had time to blink before she had him in an embrace that would have crushed the air out of a lesser man. Xander snorted as she picked Spike up and whirled him around, laughing delightedly, as he smiled and protested. 'Careful slayer, don't know how fragile this new body of mine is, do we?'

'Sorry,' she grinned. 'Although I still owe you for that story, don't think I haven't remembered.'

He smirked back. 'All for a good cause, though, wasn't it? I wouldn't be here today otherwise.'

Angel grinned and placed a large hand on Buffy's shoulder. 'Is this all your fault then, love?' he asked sternly. His smile faded as he ran a measuring gaze over the recently reappeared man before him. Spike stilled immediately under the scrutiny, then started to fidget, and finally Xander could see the defensive shields going up, just as Angel stepped around Buffy and drew Spike into a strong hug of his own. Spike struggled for a moment, but when it became clear that Angel wasn't letting him go, he rolled his eyes and patted the other man on the back. Xander could barely hear the muttered 'Poofter' that belied the pleasure in the man's eyes.

Angel stepped away after a moment. 'You not going to pick me up too then, mate?' Spike asked innocently.

'Not even if you'd have me,' Angel snarked back, looking at Spike knowingly. Xander was confused at the look Spike sent his way, but didn't dwell on it. 'You look good, Spike,' he said softly. Then he cocked his head to one side thoughtfully, gazing at Spike steadily. 'William.'

Spike smiled sadly and shook his head. 'More than you can imagine,' he murmured. 'But stick with Spike.' He smirked wryly, the sorrow obvious in his eyes. 'Think of it as a testament.' They shared a look of pained understanding. Angel placed a hand on Spike's shoulder.

'You were always William to me.' Spike hesitated a moment, before smiling and nodding.

He shook off the serious mood with a little effort and turned to Giles, who had been waiting patiently with Willow. ''Allo, Rupert. Bet you didn't think you'd be seeing me again,' he smirked, holding out a hand. Giles took it without hesitation, smirking back.

'Nothing surprises me anymore, Spike. Besides,' he said with a grin, 'you always were notoriously difficult to get rid of. By the way, I do apologize for trying to kill you. Upon reflection, I'm rather glad I failed, even if it did seem like a good idea at the time.'

'You're just saying that 'cause I saved the world.' Spike softened his words with a grin.

Giles was completely unconcerned. 'Well, yes. Seems like a fairly good reason if you ask me.'

Spike shook his head and chuckled, turning to glance at Xander. 'You were right mate, they are all just using us, aren't they?'

Xander grinned. 'They'll tell you it's 'cause they love you, but don't you believe it. It gets so much more fun when they then try to prove it's 'cause they love you.'

'Xander!' Dawn exclaimed, slapping him on the arm and grinning. 'Spike knows we love him, don't you Spike?'

Spike put on a worried expression. 'I don't know, bit. Haven't even got a kiss yet. What's a man supposed to think?'

Xander saw the glance that Buffy exchanged with Giles, feeling her amusement thrum through their bond as she sent him a mental picture. He barely managed to contain a snort before she spoke up, 'Well, that's easy enough to fix,' she said blithely. Giles rarely went along with these things, but in an atypical moment of humor and compliance he stepped forward and kissed Spike soundly on the lips. Xander was amused to notice that, although Spike was clearing his throat and turning a shade of red that he would have thought impossible for someone without real blood, Giles was completely composed. He really was unflusterable these days. Like one of those Zen masters.

Before Spike could gather his thoughts to protest, Willow stepped up and poked him in the ribs, grinning madly. 'That was from all of us,' she said. Then she, too, pulled him into a hug. 'I'm really glad the spell worked,' she whispered.

'Me too, Red,' he smiled into her white hair. He looked up and held out one hand to Buffy, another to Dawn, keeping Willow at his side. Xander thought the tears that had been threatening might actually fall when they took his hands, but Spike's mouth just twisted into the most bittersweet smile Xander had ever seen. 'I never thought I'd get to hold you again,' he whispered to the two of them.
 

Part 3d. In which we have the aftermath of the spell, and Spike has a conversation with Buffy.

Xander kept to the background as the reunion moved over to the couches by the fireplace. He had had months with Spike all to himself, and couldn't begrudge any of them this time together. He firmly ignored the little twinge of jealousy that tried to twist in his gut, disgusted with himself for the mere thought. He didn't own Spike, had never sought to monopolize him. Things might have turned out that way, he might even have been glad that it gave him the excuse to befriend the man, to entertain the notion that there might be more between them.

Now that Spike could exist in the real world again, however, he would not have to rely solely on Xander for companionship. He felt like something was slipping away from him, something he desperately wanted to grasp hold and never let go of. But Spike could have a life now, and Xander refused to be anything but happy for him. He would continue to help the man, wouldn't give up on their friendship, taking whatever he had to offer, but he also wouldn't press him for anything more. Spike could have anyone he wanted now. Buffy, Dawn, Willow even. It was obvious he loved them all, and as much as Xander himself cared for them, he knew he could never compare with them, would always lose in a competition for someone's affections. History had proved that. They were three of the most remarkable women he had ever met and he loved them more than anything. No one had a chance against any of them, no one deserved one, himself included.

Still, he couldn't help but be saddened by the thought. He had begun to believe that he might be happy with Spike.

He shook his head at his foolishness and smirked wryly. As long as Spike was happy, that was all that mattered. The man deserved his reward, and now he wouldn't have to settle for second best. He had promised to help Spike find peace and happiness. That had not, and never would, change.

With a determined nod, Xander moved over to the couch where Spike was holding court, standing behind him, one hand resting on the back of the couch. He smiled down at the beautiful blond head, resisting the impulse to card his fingers through the hair. He wasn't even sure that he should place his hand on the man's shoulder anymore. He always touched Spike, whether they were alone or not, but he wondered if Spike would still want that, need that connection, now that he was solid. It had started out as a way to reassure both of them that this was real, that they had really found each other, Spike after so many years of being alone, Xander after just as many believing his friend was dead and gone. Somewhere along the way, Xander could acknowledge that it had become more than that for him, and something seemed to break inside his chest at the thought that he could lose it.

But then, as though he had read his mind, Spike suddenly looked up to find Xander standing over him. He smiled, a heart-wrenchingly beautiful smile, that contained almost nothing but joy, and Xander couldn't stop a corresponding smile stretching over his own face. Spike casually claimed the hand by his shoulder, leading Xander around to sit on the armrest beside him.

Xander had to admit he was confused when Spike didn't release his hand, but the blond had turned away, falling easily back into his conversation with the others. Xander sighed to himself. Why did this have to get so complicated? It was all Buffy and Dawn's fault. As much as he may have enjoyed kissing Spike, he would never even have thought about it meaning anything more if they hadn't brought it up. He would not have thought about it even then were it not for the fact that Spike had no one else to turn to for companionship. Whatever they said, he knew that the man had never looked twice at him when he was a vampire, and he couldn't really see why that would change now that he was a higher being. He had nothing Spike could want; for all that he got visions, he still thought of himself as a fairly unexceptional middle-aged man.

But... earlier, before the spell, Spike had held his hand and he had felt... something, something more, and even as the vision had pulled him away, he'd thought Spike was going to kiss him. Apart from that dazed kiss after their revelatory night on the roof, which he wasn't sure that Spike even remembered, it was the first time he had given any sort of indication he wanted something more. And for a brief moment, Xander had been sure that he wanted that, too.

But now everything was different. Spike didn't need him anymore. He hoped he would still want to be his friend, but he couldn't expect anything other than that. He'd gotten his hopes up, believed he was helping, and maybe he was, but he had never seen Spike as happy with him as he had been tonight with Buffy and Dawn.

And that wasn't jealousy. He had nothing to be jealous of. Of course they would make him happy. He loved them.

He just didn't know what their contact meant anymore. Spike could touch anyone or anything he wanted. If it was just friendship, that was fine, but some part of his brain kept trying to insist that it was more than that. Every time Spike's fingers moved over his own, he was thrown back to the way Spike had looked at him not half an hour ago, on this very couch, with warmth, and maybe even a little heat, but most of all with promise.

Suddenly uncomfortable, he gently disengaged their hands, smiling reassuringly when Spike absently glanced his way. Turning to Willow, he leaned in close and put on his best smile. 'One hell of a Christmas surprise, Wills,' he teased quietly.

She grinned back at him, but looked searchingly into his eyes. 'Do you think I did the right thing?' she questioned, biting her lip. 'I mean, is this what Spike would have wanted? It's just, we all wanted to see him again. It was so wonderful to find out he'd been watching over us, but... Xan, it's good, isn't it?'

Xander quickly shifted to the arm of the other lounge so he could pull her into a hug. 'It's good, Wills, it's very good,' he whispered to her. 'Truth? I've never seen Spike this happy. That could never be wrong. This is how we should be. Together.'

She gave him a watery smile, tightening her arm about him. 'Thank you, Xan.'

'Love you, Willow.' He smiled gently at her, running one hand over hair that had long since turned permanently white.

They sat together for a while, watching the conversation flow around them. Gunn and Fred had heard more than a few stories about Spike over the years, but had met him for only the first time tonight. Seeing him probably didn't seem quite so strange to them, and they appeared to have taken an instant liking to the man. Wesley had never met Spike in person either, and seemed to want to take this opportunity to study one of the most notorious vampires to have ever existed. Xander watched in amusement as Spike expertly played to this rapt audience, somehow managing to make his past seem dark and violent without ever actually giving the man any details. The first thing Cordelia mentioned, of course, was his clothes, which had apparently only become more dark and depressing than during his evil phase, as she called it, when she had known him. But, being the good person she was, Cordy snarked at him for his evil deeds for only a short while before tossing him a smile that effectively closed the topic for discussion and laid aside the past. Dawn was curled up beside Spike, seemingly content for the moment to just hold him again. She kept looking up at him wonderingly, and never let go his hand. Spike, for his part, squeezed her hand rhythmically, as Xander knew he did when he was reassuring himself that what he was touching was real. Buffy was curled up with Angel on the far end of the couch, but she didn't take her eyes off Spike, and he often looked around to meet her gaze, smiling every time she met his eyes directly.

'They didn't really believe he was real, did they,' he murmured, half to himself.

He was surprised to hear Willow answer in his head. 'They knew, and they did want to believe. I saw him as well, the last time I was here. It's not that they didn't believe you, Xander. But I think they needed to see him, or there would always have been this faint doubt in their minds that he hadn't really come back to them. Spike won't be like this all the time, but now they know that he really is always there, whether that can see him or not.'

Xander just smiled a little sadly and nodded.

Once again shaking himself out of the serious mood that kept pulling him under, he said, into a lull, 'So, Wills, tell us about the spell. Whatcha do to him? I heard something about Gaea and Janus, so I'm thinking doorways between planes?'

'Wait a minute,' Spike interrupted, looking a little annoyed, 'you speak Greek and Latin?'

'Yeah, of course. I'll have you know I'm very well read.'

'Well then why the bleedin' hell have I been translating all those passages for you?'

Xander grinned bravely. 'Um, 'cause you're such a good friend?'

At which Spike paused, looking by turns pissed, exasperated and finally shaking his head affectionately. 'Twat,' he muttered.

Willow was looking between them, smiling oddly. 'If you two are finished, I'll explain about the spell.' Not waiting for an answer, she continued. 'Like I said, it's nothing permanent, and I haven't really done anything to Spike. The spell's in the ring. It acts as a doorway into the physical plane. But it needs to be touching Spike to work, seeing as I've bound it to him. When Spike takes the ring off, the doorway will collapse, and he'll be drawn back into his own plane. How he looks now is how he is in the other plane. I've just drawn his physical body into this plane. He's all light and glowy 'cause of the nature of matter and energy on the higher plane and how they've been combined to form his body. Essentially, he's more soul than we are. None of which you really care about anyway, so moving right along.' She looked a little embarrassed, but grinned and turned to Spike. 'You won't be able to do your teleporting thing while you're like this, Spike, just in case you need to go protect someone. But you can put the ring back on any time and the doorway will open automatically. It needs your blood to activate. There's a little needle under the stone, which you already know. Sorry for not warning you about that, by the way. Um... you should keep it in the box I brought it in.' Which was now a thoroughly innocuous small wooden thing. 'The ring is bound to the box, and you're bound to the ring, so it should open automatically when you put your hand on it. That's about it, really. No time limit on wearing it, or anything like that.' She shrugged. 'If anything happens, take it off and let me know. But I don't think it will.'

They stayed for a couple of hours, but eventually even Dawn had to admit she was practically dead on her feet. With promises to see each other for breakfast tomorrow, the party broke up, people drifting away to their separate rooms. Eventually only Xander, Spike, Buffy and Angel remained in the library. With a consideration and perceptiveness Xander would not have thought to credit him with, Angel simply kissed Buffy on the forehead, whispering something in her ear before smiling tenderly at her and leaving for their room. His thoughts were in turmoil, but he could feel what Buffy wanted, as surely as he knew what Spike needed, so with a grin and a 'Merry Christmas', Xander left them alone and retreated to the solitude of his room.

******

Spike looked after Xander as he left the library, then turned to gaze down at the beautiful blond slayer in his arms. He had barely left her side for so many years, had dreamed about moments like this, when he would look into her eyes, and she would look back. Some part of him had feared it. Not knowing what he would see in them. Anger, hate, love, forgiveness, dismissal, pain, or would they be blank, did she even care to remember him at all? Not knowing what he wanted to see in them.

Except now he did, because she was looking up at him, smiling slightly, and the reality was better than he could have come up with in any case. Because he did see forgiveness and joy - and even love. And if it was obvious that she wasn't in love with him - that was okay, too. He understood now that he didn't need her to love him. He didn't need her at all. He loved her. She was still strong, solitary, darkness and light and in some far corner of his soul he couldn't deny that he did want her. But she wasn't the tortured soul that she had been. She had been like a beacon to his demon, everything it should never want, could never have. The beast within him, still tainted with humanity, had made him unique. He was probably a little insane by vampire standards, but all of him, human and demon alike, had been drawn to her suffering, wanting by turns to feed it and extinguish it.

She had needed him for a while. But he had needed her to want him. She had abused him, used him to feel alive or maybe needed him to feel dead, but she had never truly wanted him. It was only after the soul that he had understood that that just wasn't enough.

That last year, if she had given any sign that she did want him, just him... maybe everything would have been different. But now he was holding her in his arms, and all he could think was that there was something he wanted more. It was too late for them, maybe it always had been. Buffy had found her peace, with the one man she had always wanted more than anything else, and Spike was starting to believe that he could never have found peace and happiness with anyone but Xander, any time but now. Everything was finally falling into place. He couldn't help but smirk at the thought that it gave a whole new meaning to Xander's favorite adage; that everything happened for a reason.

Realizing he'd been drifting, he brought his eyes back to Buffy's face. From the look in her eyes, she had been doing the same, and Spike discovered there were things he definitely didn't want to see in them. They were filled with remorse, guilt and pain, and when she spoke her voice cracked a little. 'Spike, I'm so sorry. I-' Already that was more than he could take, and he had to place a finger over her lips.

He shook his head frantically, his heart breaking at the tear falling down her cheek, unaware of the liquid spilling from his own eyes. 'Buffy, no, you've got nothing to be sorry for.'

She smiled tightly, moving back a fraction so his hand fell away. 'Yes, I do, Spike. The way I treated you... I used you. No matter how much I was hurting, I had no right to do that. I am sorry that I never apologized, never said thank you. For two years, you did nothing but help us, and I'm so sorry I couldn't see far enough around my job to really see you. I'm sorry I could never be what you wanted me to be, Spike. But you did help me, and I'm not sorry for that.' She smiled sadly, and he ran a finger along her jaw gently.

'I'm not sorry about that either, love.' She sent him a cynical smirk and he grinned in response, but she sobered quickly.

'I wish...' She paused and smiled a little. 'Well I don't wish obviously, but... you deserved better, Spike, more than I could give you.'

Spike cursed himself again, looking down at this beautiful, fragile woman. More than anything he had ever done, he regretted hurting her. It was worse because he knew that he couldn't blame the demon for the way he had treated her. Xander was right. The chip had allowed his mind, what was left of his humanity, to come to the fore. There was no excuse. He had done those things knowingly, had used her, taken everything she had to give and come back screaming for more. It didn't help, now, to know that he had acted out of love. The person he was now, the gentle soul he had been almost a century and a half ago, could recognize what the demon had felt, how it had tried to do what it thought was right, but he could not countenance the methods. For all that he had the memories of one hundred years obsessive, destructive passion, he could not help but think that if he had truly loved her, he would have been able to let her go, to give her what she needed, rather than to keep pushing for what he so desperately wanted. 'You know what the worst thing is, luv? I think you did love me, just a little. Or you wanted to.'

She bit her lip, looking down, but wouldn't allow herself the luxury of not meeting his eyes. 'You're right. I did. For what you did for Dawn, with Glory. And when I came back, before... And then... I couldn't. Not because of you, but because I couldn't believe I could do that to someone I loved, so it was easier not to.'

'Dug my own grave, didn't I pet?' He smiled wryly. 'I don't think it ever even occurred to me that there could be anything other than absolute love or hate. I tried to make you love me the only way I knew how. And all I ever did was drive you further away. I kept trying to drag you down into the darkness with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I can never tell you how sorry I am for that.'

'Oh, Spike, you never had to be alone.'

'What would a demon know of friendship, luv?' He said it gently. 'I didn't understand what you were offering.'

'And now?'

'Now, I do. Buffy, who I was before, with the demon. I wanted to own you. You were my everything. But... I'm different now. I do still love you. How could I not? But not the way I did before. It's been fifteen years, luv. I watched you grow up, lose the weight of the world, find Angel again. I don't need you now, and even if I did, there's too much pain, and guilt, and I... I don't want that anymore.' He tried on a grin. 'Besides, I don't think Peaches would give you up without a fight. Which, granted, I'd win, but it's the principle of the thing, right?'

She smiled distractedly. 'So, you're ok with the whole Angel thing?'

'Yeah, well, don't let on, but you're good for him.'

She grinned, but her eyes were troubled. 'If you hadn't died...'

Spike interrupted gently. 'You'd still have chosen him.' She opened her mouth to argue, but the guilty look in her eyes belied anything she might have said. It didn't even hurt. He'd had a long time to come to terms with the relationship, and it meant something that she would worry about him, that she might have had to think about the choice. But Spike knew he was right. Buffy had never been able to forget her first love. This was what she had always dreamed of. Not a normal life, perhaps, but obviously the next best thing. And she was happy, which was why he could say he didn't mind, and mean it.

'I... thank you.' She stepped forward suddenly and put her arms around him. 'Thank you for wanting me to be happy,' she whispered. She leaned back, her arms clasped loosely around his waist. 'Whatever happened between us before... It's in the past, Spike. I don't know if it matters, but I forgave you a long time ago, and I wouldn't have what I do today if it hadn't happened. Xander's always saying that everything happens for a reason. And I think... I think a lot of it was worth it.'

Spike closed his eyes to stem the tears he could feel gathering. It was one thing to believe that he had been forgiven, it was quite another to hear her say it. He hadn't realized just how heavily she had been weighing on his soul until then. He didn't know if he would be able to forgive himself as easily, but the relief he felt at knowing she didn't hate him, that she was still prepared to offer him the friendship he should have accepted years ago... He felt lighter, freer. He grinned suddenly. 'I think maybe you're right, pet. And it does matter. It makes all the difference in the world. So, whadda'ya say, clean slate? Friends?'

She grinned back, and he could see the relief in her eyes. 'Absolutely.' Her smile gentled as she looked into his eyes. 'I'm glad we could do this face-to-face. Did you know Xander offered to mediate? He didn't really want to. I think he thought it was between us. He was right, too. I needed to see your face. I needed this. It's so good to see you again.' She said this last a bit wistfully.

He shook his head fondly. 'I was always there, luv.'

'Yeah, I know. But it makes a difference, you know?' He just nodded, and they shared a moment of perfect understanding.

With unspoken agreement, they moved over to the couch, settling beside one another before the fire. 'You know, I have the coolest set of friends,' she commented absently. 'I can't believe I ever wanted a normal life. This really is so much better.'

She turned to him with suddenly determined eyes, her face set. This, then, was why Xander maintained he was so bad at lying to her. He could already feel himself wanting to squirm, and she hadn't even said anything yet. 'How're you doing, then? Xander tells us you seem better, but it's obvious he's still worried about you.'

He'd opened his mouth to tell her he was fine, when he actually heard what she'd said. Xander was worried about him? 'Really?' He felt absurdly pleased with himself.

He didn't really notice Buffy glaring at him for a moment, before she chuckled, shaking her head ruefully. 'Yes, really. And don't think we're not talking about that, too, mister. But first; Answer the question.' He opened his mouth, but she interrupted, saying gently, but forcefully, 'Honestly, Spike.'

He narrowed his eyes at her, fighting the urge to say that it was really one of her business. But she just kept gazing at him steadily, waiting, and he felt himself cave. 'I'm ok,' he sighed. 'Not fantastic, but not fighting off insanity any longer. Don't know how much Xander told you about the other week, up on the roof, but since then, it's been better. Quieter. I feel like some of the people living in my head have taken a permanent hiatus. He said... he told me they'd forgiven me.'

She smiled warmly. 'Well, if anyone would know, it'd be Xander. We have it on good authority he's never wrong.'

Spike smirked. 'His authority?'

She giggled. 'Well, yeah. But hey, voice of experience, too. He's saved a lot of lives with those visions.'

'Well, he always was a lousy fighter.' It was supposed to come out snarky, but Spike suspected there was more than an appropriate amount of fondness there as well. It was also a lie. Xander had trained just as hard as any of the potentials that year, and had been better than most of them.

Buffy was looking at him intently, knowingly, again. It was getting damn aggravating. 'What?' he finally snapped defensively.

The corner of her mouth quirked up, but she answered readily enough. 'You obviously haven't sparred with him recently. He's gotten quite good. Put a lot of effort into toning all those muscles of his. He can pick most of the girls up one handed. They seem to like trying to goad him into doing that. Even when he's all sweaty from working out. Flexible, too, you know. Gotta keep limber if you wanna be able to go at it with all those vamps. Broadsword's still his favorite. He always gets an audience for those sessions. Although that might have less to do with his technique, and more to do with the fact that he practices half naked, if you can imagine. He's even getting better at hand-to-hand. S'pose it's cause he's got such strong fingers, from all that carpentry he did. You should come down sometime,' she added casually.

He knew what she was doing, and he refused to give her the satisfaction. He would not think about it. His eyes were not glazing over. As of right now he was not imagining Xander half-naked and sweaty. With his eyes closed, mouth opening with his even breaths, swaying with the weight of the sword, muscles bunching and releasing with coiled energy as he moved from one position to the next, long, strong, calloused fingers stroking the hilt... Shit. Shitshitshit. He was not turning into some nancy-boy and drooling over the pictures in his head. Especially in front of the slayer! If he wanted to drool, he could do it when he was alone with Xander. No! Not alone, not drooling. He was taking it slow. Besides, as attractive as the man was, he wanted him for more than his body.

That thought calmed him down, and he opened his eyes, which, to be honest, he hadn't even noticed closing, to glare at the innocent face before him. 'I'll think about it,' he responded calmly, refusing to acknowledge that his voice might have sounded even a little rough.

She smiled brightly. 'I'm glad to hear it. I think you'd... ahh, enjoy yourself.'
 

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