*****
[Italics indicate daydreams] 

Spike grinned at Xander, following the dark haired young man across the bedroom. They were playing their favorite game. Stalk the Prey. Xander was the prey. Xander giggled and feinted to the left. Spike didn't fall for it, though and lunged through the air. Pouncing on him, they both fell across the bed. He reached down and tickled him, making the simple giggle to an outright belly laugh. Spike leaned down, looking into the deep chocolate brown eyes. Xander stopped laughing and stared into his eyes. Reaching up he grabbed the blond by the hair and brought the head down for a kiss. Lips part and ... 
 

"Here you are. I found him, Willow! Should have checked here first." 

'Damn it! Just as I was getting to the good part', he thinks. He stares sadly at the granite tombstone in front of him. 

Alexander LaVelle Harris 
A True White Knight 

The raised letters stood out in stark relief against the darker stone. 'Why can't they bloody well leave us alone, huh pet?' 

The huddled figure didn't move as the two women move closer. He wanted to yell at them. Scream at them to leave them both alone. Didn't the birds know that they interrupted them at a private moment? But he said nothing. He hadn't said anything for several months. 

Buffy kneeled down next to Spike. Two blonds sitting side by side. They would have made a striking couple if one of them hadn't looked like a concentration camp survivor. She ran her hand through the messy hair of the silent vampire. He hadn't used any kind of hair gel for months. Xander liked it that way and that's way it stayed. Spike didn't move. He didn't look at her. He didn't speak. He also hadn't eaten lately. Several days in fact. Skin pulled tight over slender bones, face gaunt and eyes haunted. He was wearing one of Xander's work shirts and a pair of sweat pants. He had pulled the strings and tied them tight, knowing that to wear one of his own pair of jeans wouldn't do. The waistbands were already in danger of falling down around his ankles, no longer tight on his thin body. The neckline of the shirt practically hung off his shoulders. 

"Well, we had to hope that he'd be anywhere else but here," countered Willow. 

The two women had checked all of the local spots that Spike had liked to hang out at. The Bronze, the wharf, Willie's bar, any bar, his old crypt and finally the graveyards. All of the graveyards. They deliberately didn't check out this one until the last. Hoping against hope that they'd find him out drinking or fighting other demons. Anything normal. Well, normal for him. Anything but just sitting here, staring at a tombstone. Every night that he'd escape, they'd had to track him down and drag him home with them before sunrise. 

Willow knelt on the other side of Spike and placed her arms around him. She was dismayed at the lost of more weight. She knew that he couldn't die from this, but it was hard to see him like this. 

"Come on, sweetie. Let's all go home." 

Together, both women managed to get the slightly taller man up on his feet. Turning around, the two girls lead him away from the grave. Spike turned his head, watching the tombstone until it was out of his sight. Once he lost eye contact, he hung his head and allowed himself to be lead away. He no longer fought them. It wouldn't be any use. 

It was a long walk home for the three of them. As soon as they entered the house, Dawn flung herself at the vampire, hugging him with all her might. Spike didn't hug back. He kept his arms down and stared at the wall. 

"I'm so happy you're ok! I was so worried about you." 

Spike said nothing. He just gently untangled himself from her and headed for the basement. The basement was where he slept now. Well, not really sleeping. Every time he tried, he just saw Xander die. Over and over again. He shut the door behind him, walked down the steps, and sat on the end of his cot in the corner. He reached over and picked up the enlarged picture. The picture of him and his love. Willow had snapped it, catching them both off guard. They were both smiling, happy, together. It was the first framed picture they had. The only framed picture they had. Hugging it to his chest, Spike curled up on the cot, trying to imagine Xander and him, living together in a big house. The sun is shining and Xander was still alive. He would always be alive. 

Buffy, Willow, and Dawn stared at the closed basement door. Dawn turned her stricken face towards Buffy. Chin wobbling and tears pouring out of overly large eyes, she told them both, "I'm sorry. I really am. I just turned my back for a second. Janice called me with a homework question and I had to help her. I just took my eyes off him for a second. He was gone before I could stop him. I'm really sorry." 

Buffy hugged her sister, slowly rubbing her back. 

"Shhh. It's not your fault. You can't keep your eyes on him every second of the day. We know that. It's ok, really. Now, why don't you go and heat him up some dinner. Maybe he'll eat for you tonight." 

Slowly nodding, Dawn did as she asked. It was something for her to do. It was doubtful that he would actually feed, but it made her feel useful. Quickly heating up a mug of blood, she poured some mini-marshmallows in it and headed downstairs. 

Buffy and Willow kept silent until the basement door closed again. Turning to the witch, the slayer rubbed her head with her hand. Another headache was forming. Heaving a deep sigh, she finally voiced her latest plan. The plan to bring Spike back to the land of the living. Or the unliving. Whatever. 

"He's not getting any better, Wills. In fact, I think he's getting worse. We ... he can't go on much longer like this. It's been more then eight months since ... since Xander died, and he's not dealing with this. I have a plan that I think might work. Although, I don't know how he'll take it." 

"What is it? If it'll help him, he'll take it. We'll make him take it." 

"It's not Spike I'm talking about. I'm talking about Angel. I think he needs to get away from Sunnydale. He can't move on if he's still here, grieving over a grave. I loved Xander too. But this, I've never seen something like this before. He won't be able to survive on his own and he'll never voluntarily leave here. The only way would be if Angel took him. I'm going to L.A. first thing in the morning to talk to him. This has to be done face to face. He'll listen to me. Spike'll hate us, but it's the best thing I can think of now. Maybe in L.A., he'll snap out of this." 

"I'll go with you. We can get Tara to Spike sit while Dawn's in school." 

At the look that Buffy gave her, she elaborated on the reason. Blushing all the while. 

"I can answer any questions he might have about them. About what went on after ... you know ... after you died. The last time I mean. That's how it all began, you know. How Xander and Spike got together. You know ... together together. I was there. Well, not there there, but you know, around. And I'm starting to babble now so I'll shut up. Besides, you're a lousy driver." 

Buffy frowned at the last sentence. 

"I'm not a bad driver!" 

"Buffy, you took out a mailbox! The one near the Magic Box. The big blue U.S.A. mailbox." 

"It jumped right in front of me, I swear! That mailbox was evil and I was just doing my job." 

They bickered good-naturedly as they made their way upstairs to get a head start on the plans for the next day. 

Dawn looked down at the back facing her. Spike had turned over as soon as the door opened. He was lying down, facing the wall. Dawn stood by the cot, hoping that he'll turn around and suddenly start talking to her like he used to. She hoped that she'd have her friend back. 

Holding out the cup, she tried to reach out to him. 

"Here, I brought you some blood. Fresh, just from the butcher's yesterday. Yum yum, really good. We ran out of Wheetabix so I put marshmallows in it. Don't worry, we got Wheetabix on the grocery list. But, you like marshmallows, don't you? The little bitty ones? Please?" 

No answer. He just pulled himself up tighter into a ball. That was the only reaction that she got from him. 

"Well, I'll just put this down on the bedside table for you later. Although it's really a crate turned on it's side, but it's like a table. Sort of. So, if you get hungry, it's right there. Next to you. Drink it while it's warm, ok?" 

Still nothing. Heaving a small sigh, she placed it on the crate, and at the same time, she removed the other two cups sitting there. They were still full, the blood long ago clotted into a sickeningly sight. 

She took them both upstairs and filled them with hot water to let them soak. Buffy came into the kitchen and watched her silently. She waited until Dawn had turned around and let out a small gasp of surprise. 

"Don’t do that to me! You nearly scared me half to death." 

Buffy just gave her a small smile. She knew that Dawn hadn't been really scared. Living on the Hellmouth, and with the Slayer as a big sister, nothing much would have scared her in her own house. Giving a long look at the basement door, she asked, "Did he feed? Did you manage to get anything down him?" 

Shaking her head slightly, she gave her report. 

"No. Not a drop. He's getting worse, Buffy. What'll we do now?" 

"I got a plan. Willow and I are going to L.A. and talk to Angel. Hopefully he'll agree to take Spike in." 

Dawn couldn't believe it! "How could you? You can't send him away just because he's not like his old self. He's not just some stray dog that you can just send back to the pound because you're bored with him. I won't let you send him away!" 

Tears shining in her own eyes, she tried to explain the plan. She didn't want Dawn to think that she was sending Spike away because she was tired of him. 

"Dawn, I'm doing this for his own good. He's not getting any better and I think some time away from Sunnydale will do him a world of good. He needs to get away from Xander's grave. He needs time and distance to heal. He can't do that if he's going out to the graveyard and sitting by his grave. I know that you'll miss him. We all will. But, he needs to get away from here. He needs the distance." 

"But I'll take better care of him! You'll see. He won't leave again. I promise. Just don't send him away." 

"Dawnie, you said it yourself, he's not a puppy. I know that you'll take good care of him. You do take good care of him. But, Dawnie, you need to take care of yourself right now. You can't spend all your time looking after a sick vampire. You need to be a teenager. An ordinary teenager. Do things that I never got to do because I was the Slayer. Am the Slayer. Whatever. He needs to get on with his life. Or unlife. Whatever." 

She tried one last time. "But, Angel hates him. Are you sure that this is a good idea?" 

"Yes, I'm sure that this is a good idea. It's the only thing we hadn't tried yet. Don't worry about Angel. I'll talk to him and make everything all right. And if he doesn't want to do it, we'll think of something else. Anything's better then having him go though life like this. He needs help. You know it and I know it. Something's gotta give and I'd rather it wasn't Spike. Now, it's past both of our bedtimes. We all have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." 

She reached out and both sisters hugged. Buffy made sure that all the lights were off and the doors were locked. It wouldn't do any good to sit up and make sure that Spike didn't bolt again. Once he was brought back home, he just seemed to pull into himself even more. There would be no more escape attempts tonight. 

Spike turned over on the cot and looked at the cup of blood. He wasn't hungry. He hadn't been hungry in a long time. Not since ... well, not since a long time. He had heard the note of pain in the 'Bit's voice. He felt a small bit of guiltiness at this. The last time he had spoken to her, he'd yelled at her. Actually came close to slapping her. It wasn't really her fault though. He'd caught her doing laundry and spotted his clothes, Xander's clothes, in among the wash. He'd yelled at her for trying to wash Xander's scent out of them. He'd actually shaken her, accusing her of trying to take Xander away from him. She'd started to cry then, snapping him out of it. He'd just stopped, taken the clothes from the washer and curled up on the cot. He hadn't spoken since. Dawn had gone to speak with her sister and the witch. Whatever they'd told her seemed to help her understand what he was going though. She'd come back downstairs and assured him that she was fine and that she'll never make that mistake again. It was an accident and she understood why he'd acted like that. He'd felt so guilty about it, that he'd fed when he wasn't hungry. Not as often as they would have liked, but some. 

He wanted to sleep. Craved it actually. But he couldn't. He couldn't because every time he closed his eyes to sleep, he saw Xander die. He wasn't there when it happened, but he saw it just the same. The shining sun, the warm breeze. Xander standing in the middle of the construction site, looking over the new plans. The crane off to the side, moving a load of heavy beams, when the cable snapped. Xander looks up just as the beams come apart and shove the guy that was standing directly under them out of the way. The beams hit Xander instead, killing him instantly. They had a closed casket at the funeral. Spike didn't remember much about it. He'd spent that whole week in a shocked daze. And what he did remember, hadn't been pleasant. But he remembered that the casket was closed. And ever since then, his dreams had been overrun by the nightmares again. He used to dream about Buffy's death closing the portal that Glory opened. Now it was a mixture of the two. Sometimes it would start out as Buffy and end with Xander. Sometimes it would start off with Xander and end with Buffy. No matter how it started, it always ended with Spike jerking awake, scream locked in his throat, covered in sweat. 

*********** 

The drive to L.A. had been mostly in silence. Each young woman lost in her own thoughts. Tara had arrived just before Dawn left for school, happy to help out. She had locked up the Magic Box for the day and came over as soon as she hung the closed sign on the door. She hadn't moved back in, but she and Willow had begun to date again. It was slow going, but they were starting to get back to where they were before the forgetting spell. It was because of that disaster, that Willow didn't bring up using the spell on Spike. She knew that it wouldn't really be fair to him. To forget the man that he loved so much would just bring on more pain when he found out. It hurt them all when the last forgetting spell backfired so badly. So badly that Tara had broken up with her in the first place. 

Buffy had reached the end of her rope. She didn't know what to do now. She'd gotten to know Spike better after she'd come back from the dead. She'd come to care for him after she'd found out how much Spike had taken care of Dawn. About how often it was Spike cooking and cleaning and comforting Dawn. And protecting her. He hadn't let the young girl out of his sight at night, often spending whole days in the basement, waiting for Dawn to come home from school and helping her with homework afterwards. He'd also been barely nice to her after she'd been brought back. Treated her just like he did before. Snide comments and jokes about her roots showing only made her feel normal. Everybody else was walking on eggshells around her and Spike made Slutty jokes. She loved him for that. Now she had a chance to help him. 

They finally arrived at the Hyperion and just sat outside for a few minutes, neither of them wanted to make the first move. Finally Buffy opened her door, signalling Willow to do the same and they both walked though the front door and down into the lobby. Cordelia was at the front desk on the phone. As soon as she saw both girls, she hurriedly finished the call and hung up. Hurrying up to them, she hugged them both and asked, "Oh, God! Who died?" 

Stunned they both looked at each other. They both mentally slapped themselves on the forehead. The first time that Willow showed up at the hotel, she told Angel and company that Buffy had died. The last time, Buffy delivered the bad news. Willow had stayed behind, trying to pull herself together and take care of Spike. 

Giving a slightly watery smile, Buffy reassured Cordy. "Nobody's dead, Cordy. We just need to talk to Angel. It's urgent. Is he up?" 

Relieved, Cordy nodded. "He's in the kitchen, drinking breakfast. Follow me and I'll take you to him. Is this about a case? We give discounts to friends." 

Both girls shook their heads and followed Cordelia. Leading them the kitchen, she talked almost non-stop about past cases and the news that she was now part demon. What part, they weren't sure, but tests showed that she still had a soul, so it wasn't all that bad. At least she didn't have the brain melting migraines from the visions anymore. So that was of the good. Gunn and Wesley were out running down leads on a case. Fred was visiting some out of the way occult bookshop, looking for some kinda new, or rather old, book that she needed to translate some kinda weird demon language. Willow smiled. Good old Cordy, back to normal. Or, at least, normal for her. The last time she saw her was at the funeral. Like all of them, Cordy had been red-eyed from crying.

Stopping before they got to the doorway, well away from vampiric hearing, she hugged them both again. 

"How's Spike doing? I didn't tell Angel about him and Xander. I didn't think that it was any of his business. He looked kinda bad the last time I saw him. Has he gotten any better? Is that why you're here?" 

Willow and Buffy were stunned. They weren't sure that Cordy knew about their relationship and they were surprised that she kept it a secret from Angel. Willow spoke for both of them. 

"I didn't know you knew. He's gotten worse. Much worse. That's why we're here. How did you know?" 

"Duh. I'm not totally self absorbed, you know. I was there when Mr. and Mrs. Harris were drunk at the funeral home. I saw him attack Spike, calling him all sorts of names. Calling him a fag and accused him of turning his son into a homo. I saw him hit Spike. You should have just knocked his head off right there. I put two and two together and got two guys living together and dating each other. Besides, Dawnie told me. Now go on and talk to Angel. Maybe he can help the blond menace." 

Shoving both speechless girls towards the doorway, she went back to the front desk. Walking the rest of the way to the kitchen, both of them remembered the funeral home incident. Mr. and Mrs. Harris had both showed up drunk. Nothing unusual about that. They overheard someone mention how bad Xander's boyfriend had looked. That set Mr. Harris off. After getting someone to point out Spike, they stalked over to them and started yelling at him. Willow was standing by the side of the shell shocked Spike when both of the Harris's started shouting at him. Buffy was on the other side of the crowded room, talking with Giles, who had just arrived from London that morning. She started for the Harris's when they started in on Spike. Calling him a fucking fag that turned their normal red-blooded all-American boy into a fucking fag was bad enough. They even accused him of getting Xander killed. Spike could only look up at them, and with unfallen tears shinning in his eyes, told them both that he loved Xander. That pissed off Mr. Harris. Before anyone could react, he pulled back his fist and hit Spike. He got in one punch and started to kick the downed vampire, when Buffy got there and pulled him off. Literally. He hit the wall hard, and as a suddenly silent room looked on, she walked up to the drunken man and gave him a piece of her mind. Her voice was calm and soft but you could hear the unmistakable tone that said, 'You don't want to fuck with me.' 

"This is your son's funeral, asshole. Show some respect. They loved each other, which is more then I can say for you and a lot of other people. You ever touch him again, the next funeral we go to will be yours. Do you understand me?" 

The rest of the funeral was spent divided into two camps. Those who supported Spike and his love for Xander, and those who hated that fact the they were burying a queer, with his queer boyfriend there. Spike spent most of that time in a daze. Both witches had combined their power for a special cause, assuring that the day was heavily overcast. It was the only way they could have a daytime funeral and Spike would be able to attend. Not that he'd actually noticed. Except for the confrontation with the Harris's, Spike's body was there, but his mind had taken a hike. 

All thoughts of that day were tucked away, deep in their hearts, as soon as they walked into the kitchen. Angel was sitting at the table, a cup of blood at his elbow and looking over the newspaper. He had looked up as soon as he heard footsteps and if it was possible, paled even further at the sight of the two young women. He stood up on suddenly shaky legs. 

"Oh, God. Who died?" 

For a shocked moment, all three looked at each other before Willow began to giggle. Buffy followed soon after. Angel stared at the two of them as if they had completely lost their minds. Here they were, delivering bad news, and they were laughing?!

The girls calmed down some, until they looked at each other and started all over again. Angel pulled out two chairs and forcefully placed each girl in one. As soon as they looked like they were finished, Angel placed a cup of coffee in front of each, making sure that the cream and sugar was in easy reach. Buffy was the first to speak. 

"I'm sorry, Angel. It's just that you’re the second person to ask us that. No one's dead and we're not here for an apocalypse. We're here because of Spike." 

Angel hid his frown by turning away and putting his empty cup in the sink. Spike! What the fuck's he done now? Although, Cordy did say that he looked awful at the funeral. He didn't ask what she meant at the time. He hadn't gone himself, allergy to sunlight you know, and besides, he hadn't been very close to the boy. Harris had made no bones about how he viewed the vampire. He'd sent flowers though, and Cordy said that they were nice and showed up on time. She also said that the day had been unusually overcast, so he guessed that's the way Spike had attended. Although, for the unlife of him, he couldn't figure out why. 

"What trouble is he causing now? Need me to stake him for you? I know that he's chipped and that's why you haven't done it, but I'll have no trouble doing it for you." 

He turned back to the hostile glares of two pissed off women. He couldn't figure out what he'd done. He'd only spoken the truth. If Buffy was too softhearted to stake him, he'll be more then happy to. 

Willow started to get up and said, "If he won't help us, let's go. We'll think of something else." 

Buffy stopped her with a touch on her arm. "Let's give him a chance, Will. He doesn't know the whole story. Time to put all our cards on the table. Spike taught us that. Sit down Angel. We're going to have storytime." 

Warily, Angel sat back down. Although he had no idea what was going on, he had an idea that it was going to be one hell of a story. He wasn't disappointed. Willow started it off. 

"It all really started the night Buffy died, closing the portal that Glory opened. We'd been so concerned with each other, Tara, Anya and Dawn had been injured, that we hadn't really paid attention to Spike. He was injured, but we thought, hey, vampire, quick healing ya' know? Anyway, we took Buffy's ... body with us when we left the site. Spike was trapped by the sunlight. And to be honest, we did kinda forget him. It was completely accidental and we felt really bad about it afterwards. He was there all day, staring at the bloodstain that Buffy had...left. It was nightfall before anyone thought of him. Actually, Dawn started to ask for him and nobody remembered where he went. We forgot, remember. Anyway, Xander thought that maybe he just blew town, ya' know. Not having a reason any more to stick around. Giles made us go look for him though, just to keep Dawn happy. Personally, I think that he'd agreed with Xander. We split up and checked the usually places. I went to the Bronze, Giles went to Willie's and Xander checked his crypt. I don't know what made him think of the site of ... you know ... where Buffy died." 

She paused to take a sip of coffee. Taking a deep breath, she continued the story. 

"That's where Xander found him. Still staring at the spot where Buffy had landed. It had been dark for hours. He could have left at anytime, but Xander said that he was just sitting there, crying and he said he looked like he was in shock. He took him back to his apartment and Spike stayed there for three days, crying and getting drunk with Xander. After that, he started to take care of Dawn, spending whole days at the house, waiting for her to get out of school and helping out with homework. When it got dark, he went on patrol with us. It seemed like he was going for days without sleep, because on the days that I didn't have classes, he was up and cleaning so that we wouldn't have to. He even cleaned things that weren't even dirty. Ever known someone to scrub a basement floor and attic walls? He did that. He didn't throw anything out though, just rearranged things. Kept every little scrap of paper. Neatly though. There wasn't a speck of dust from the attic to the basement. He cooked too. Said that the crap that we cooked wasn't fit to feed a jarenxxink demon, whatever those are. It all came to a head one night when Spike got hurt. Hurt bad, it turns out. None of us had seen the change at the time. We didn't see how thin he was. Well, no one but Xander, really. Spike had gotten slow, careless almost. His reactions were way off. When we got him back to Xander's place, no one wanted to scare Dawn, Xander shooed us all out and took care of him himself. That's the time that Anya left. She wanted to get away from the Hellmouth. Said that she couldn't stand to lose any more of her friends. She left the Magic Box to us girls. Xander told us later that he hadn't been feeding. At all. He tried to give him human blood, to get him to heal faster. Spike hit him, despite the chip. Xander said it wasn't that hard of a hit, he was still weak from hunger, but the chip didn't know that, and after he picked himself up off the floor after the headache passed, he told him that he'll never drink human blood again. He said that he had to stay there all day, smelling Buffy's blood and just the thought of any blood was enough to make him throw up. Xander kept after him though, telling him that he wouldn't be able to protect Dawn if he was weak from hunger. He managed to get him to start feeding regularly and moved him into his apartment permanently. It took almost a week for Spike to heal. He said that was when he fell in love with Spike. It took another month before Spike got a clue. Xander had gotten hurt on the job, nothing serious, and had to have bed rest for three days. During that time they, well, they got together together. We were all happy for them. Someone else had a chance to fall in love and we supported them. We were all together that summer. Well, almost all of us. It was so sweet to see them together. During research parties, they'll disappear into the back, to get a 'book', and come back with their hair all messed up. Although, they were very careful around Dawn. They just held hands and gave each other googly eyes when she was around. We kept Spike out of the decision to raise Buffy from the dead. We knew how he'd react to that. He'd said that the dead should stay dead. He said later that if she'd come back wrong, that he wouldn't have let us stake her. He still loved her. We all did. Do. So we raised Buffy from the dead." 

Willow fell silent. The next part would be up to Buffy. The Slayer took a sip of coffee and a deep breath. 

This would be difficult for her as well. She'd grown close, believe it or not, to Spike. She hated to see him go though this, to lose the true love of his unlife. He wasn't like this when he lost Dru. Nothing like it. This hurt went much, much deeper. 

"After I came back, I felt ... different. Disconnected from the world. I wasn't in a hell dimension like everybody thought. I think I was in heaven. Spike was the only one I told at first. Everybody was walking around me like I was made of glass and was about to break. Spike treated me just like he did before I died. Made Slutty jokes and told me that my roots were showing. He let me get drunk and took me to a poker game where they bet with kittens. Spared with me and offered to set me up with Clem, a demon friend of his, but then told me that he would never go out with someone with tight skin like mine. If you ever met Clem, you'll understand that. He told me what he'd do to me as soon as he got that chip out of his head. How he'll bathe in my blood and wear my intestines for a hat. He treated me normal. He was the one that discovered that I had come back kinda ... wrong. He accidentally shoved me into a wall, knocking me out of the way of a falling brick. When he didn't scream in pain, I made him hit me in the arm, trying to test the chip. It didn't go off and we thought that the chip malfunctioned." 

She paused to take a sip of coffee, letting the details sink in a bit. She knew that it was a lot for Angel to take in, but they didn't have a lot of time. 

"We were both shocked. Spike was quick to tell me that he was just joking around with the intestine hat thing, that he'll never hurt me intentionally. He said that he knew that if he hurt me, he would loose Xander forever. Besides, he said, where would I ever get another sparring partner that I didn't have to worry about hurting badly. Although the chip prevented him from hitting me, he never allowed me to hold back on him. I knew that he wasn't kidding about that. It took me awhile to come to terms with the relationship between them. I wanted to know what the hell was in the water. I mean, Willow and Tara were gay and now here comes Xander and Spike. I wondered if I was next. I mean, fuck, I couldn't hold onto a boyfriend and here was my two best friends, practically signing up to lead a gay pride parade. Hell, Spike even made jokes about it. How if I couldn't hold on to somebody with a Y chromosome, maybe I oughta try the X. Even offered to set me up with a few female demons that he knew who wouldn't mind trying a human. Still not too sure if he was joking or not. Anyway, back to the story, Spike walked up and punched Willow in the arm, not too hard though. Just enough to test the chip. To see if it was still working. After the shakes from the headache stopped, we were all in research mode. Turns out that the little spell that Willow cast gave me sort of a sunburn on the soul. Just enough to fool the sensors in his brain. I was still me, but now he could hit back. Made the sparring sessions more interesting and more of a workout for the both of us. Life as they say, went on. Or at least it did until Xander died." 

She fell silent and Angel took her and Willow's cup back to the coffeepot to refill. He could have just brought the pot over, but he needed a little time to gather his emotions. The two girls said nothing while he made himself busy by the counter. 

He angrily wiped an already clean section of counter, fighting anger and jealousy. 'Fuck! I can't fucking believe it! Here I am, soulful vampire and trying to do good, and Spike has everybody tripping over themselves to comfort him?! I can't so much as kiss Buffy without the temptation of losing my soul. Why is he the one that gets laid?' He searched for and found the bottle of brandy. He had a feeling that he would be needing more then one drink before the rest of the story was told. He came back to the table, all emotions hidden once again. He set the refilled cups in front of the girls and sat down. Taking a healthy swig, right out of the bottle, he nodded for the girls to continue. 

Willow's turn again. Taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out, she continued. 

"I got the call. I was listed as his next of kin. His parents wouldn't have been reliable, not to mention mostly drunk. I was listed because he knew that Spike couldn't have gone anywhere in the daytime. Just in case. Xander had pushed a worker out of the way when some beams came loose. He was crushed. I had to identify him by the scar on his hand that he'd gotten when he was twelve. Buffy and I went to tell Spike. It wasn't pretty. At first, he thought that we were kidding. Just jerking him around. He told us to get out. That Xander would be vary angry with us for pulling such a sick prank. Now, if the both of us could excuse him, he had dinner to make. Xander would be hungry when he got home from work. Buffy left us to tell his parents and make some calls. Spike cooked all of Xander's favorite foods. He sat the table and waited for Xander to come home. He wouldn't listen to me. Kept telling me that Xander would be home soon. He just sat at that table all night, not moving or feeding at all. Just staring at the door, waiting for Xander to walk though the door. He never walked though the door." 

She paused to wipe the sudden tears falling down her cheeks. The other two said nothing. Buffy was fighting her own emotions and Angel felt another flair of jealousy. Sniffing a little, the witch continued. 

"When daylight came, Spike wrapped up the dinner and put it in the fridge. He said that maybe he was angry with him for something and spent the night somewhere else. He still wouldn't listen to me. The next night was the same. He took out the left-over dinner, heated it up and waited for Xander to come home. By the time it was morning again, he got angry. Said that now he was pissed that Xander stayed out again all night and if he thought he was getting a hot meal from him when he got home, he was going to be sadly disappointed. I don't think it sank in until the crew members' wives and girlfriends started showing up with dishes of food for him. They all knew that he was Xander's boyfriend and knew that he wouldn't be up to cooking anything. Just something that they all did whenever there was a death in their group of family and friends. Xander and Spike had been open to the construction crew soon after they got together. Didn't seem to phase them much because they weren't the only gay couple at the job site. Sure there were jokes, a few slurs, but they took those in stride. They met Spike at nighttime functions and dinner parties that some of the crew threw. They all saw the way the guys acted towards each other. They knew that it would hit Spike hard. As soon as he realized that Xander was dead and never coming back, he went to their bedroom, close the door and laid on his side of the bed, facing Xander's. I know because I checked on him when the stream of people let up. They understood why he wasn't up to seeing them. He was in shock. He wouldn't feed, wouldn't talk, wouldn't move from his spot on the bed. Tara brought him a nice suit for the funeral and we had to dress him ourselves. He wouldn't co-operate at all. It was like he was a big rag doll and we had to dress him for a tea party. He had this look of utter lost on his face. It was like he wasn't even there. Tara and I did a weather spell, calling on a heavy overcast, so that Spike could go to the funeral. We thought that he'd insist on seeing Xander one last time or demanding us to open it so that he could tell us that Xander was just playing a cruel joke on everybody. That he wasn't really dead and that he was just faking it. It was a closed viewing. We expected him to pull any number of tricks, just to look inside to prove one of us was wrong. But he didn't. He was silent the whole time, except for the confrontation with Xander's parents. It wasn't pretty. I almost thought they were gonna overturn the casket. Buffy stopped the fighting and Spike went back to being Walking Comatose Man again. After the burial, after everyone had gone, he asked me ... no, begged me ... to bring back Xander. I did it for Buffy so would I please to it for Xander? He'll never ask me for anything ever again. It was like he was promising to never ask for anything for Christmas if I'll let him go out and play with his friends. I told him I couldn't. I couldn't because the urn had been broken and there wasn't any more of them. I expected him to yell at me. To rant, scream, or cry. Anything but look at me with those big blue eyes and die inside. I saw it. Saw the light in his eyes die." 

It was quiet for a while. Each person lost in memories. Some pleasant and most unpleasant. Angel took another swig of brandy and Buffy took the bottle from him and poured a measure into both of their cups. It was her turn again. 

"After we got back from the cemetery, we found out that the Harris's had already been there. They took everything that was valuable. Even stuff that was Spike's. We assumed that they hocked it all for booze. They also trashed the place. Wasn't much left, except for some clothes and big pieces of furniture that they couldn't fit out the door. They'd even ripped up the picture of the two of them. Tara fixed it with a simple spell. Spike just took off his suit and went back to bed. And stayed there. He only fed if we made him. Because we took turns staying there, we knew he wasn't sleeping well. Had nightmares all the time. He was still talking some. Not much, but some. We stayed with him because we were afraid that one morning he'll just open the blinds and greet the sunrise. We couldn't take that chance. Not only would Xander disapprove of it, we didn't want him to leave us. We had already lost so much, we couldn't stand it if we lost him too." 

Buffy took a deep breath. This was something that she never told anybody. Nobody knew about this but the two of them. She hoped that she was doing the right thing. 

"One afternoon, when I was sitting with him, he told me about his nightmares. He described how Xander died. Right down to the last gory detail. No one had told him exactly how, but he told me in great detail exactly how it happened. I don't know how he did it, but he was right on the mark. Gave me chills. He also told me that he dreamed about my death. Every day that I was gone he relived that night in his dreams. He also told me that he dreamed that our dad came back and took Dawn away from them. Away from him. That's why he was so protective of her. You see, after Mom died, Dad sent a lawyer to the house a few days after the funeral. He didn't even both to send flowers, much less attend it. He gave me a choice. If I wanted to finish collage, he'll pay for everything and enrol Dawn in a year round boarding school somewhere. Most of the list he sent was for schools overseas. I might not ever be able to see her again. Or, I could sign the papers he sent, naming me her legal guardian, and to forget about any child support from him. It didn't take me long to sign the papers and tell the lawyer where he could put his briefcase. He didn't want Dawn but it was no choice for me. I love Dawn. Everybody loves Dawn and he didn't deserve to be our father. Except for a twice-monthly call, which he 'forgot' most of the time, he never bothered us. After I died, he said that he dreamed that our father came back and ripped Dawn away from him. That's one of the reasons that only a few people knew that I'd died. He said that he never had the dreams after he moved in with Xander. Even before they got involved. He said that Xander made the nightmares go away. Now they were back, worse then before. He told me a long time ago that he loved my mother. She treated him like he was one of us. Scolding when he needed it and lent a sympathetic ear when he needed someone to talk to. I hate to say that we didn't exactly treat him as a friend back then. He then asked me why. Why couldn't he cry for Xander? He cried when Dru left him. He cried for mom. He cried for me. But he just couldn't cry for him. He wanted to know why. I couldn't tell him anything. I didn't know what to tell him. Still don't. Things just seemed to go downhill after that. We had to let the apartment go. None of us could afford to pay the rent on it. At first, he didn't want to go. He started to slip from reality a little. Kept insisting that Xander was coming back. That he needed to be home when Xander came back. Nothing we could say seemed to get though to him. He wouldn't listen to us at all. Finally, Willow performed a sleeping spell on him and we carried him back to my place. We packed up what was left and kept him chained in the basement just long enough for the apartment to be rented back out. The whole time he ranted and screamed at us. Told us that he had to be home to wait for Xander. Xander would be waiting for him at home. After the new tenants were there for a week, we made sure that they were out for the night and let Spike go. He went straight for the place. He tried to go in, but the barrier was up. I guess that's when it really and truly finally hit him. He knew that no matter how mad Xander would be at him, and believe me, they had some real screaming fights, that under no circumstances would Xander do a disinvite spell on their own home. Throw him out for the night, yes. Lock the door, yes. Disinvite spell, no. He realized then that Xander was dead and never coming back. He came back home and just stayed in the basement. Pretty soon, he stopped talking and we've been trying to get any kind of blood down him. The only clothes that he'll wear are Xander's and when he can, he'll sneak out of the house and sit by Xander's grave. The first time that he disappeared, we just thought that he'd finally gotten better. That he'd gone back to his old habits. We checked everywhere for him. Bars and old hangouts. He wasn't anywhere. In desperation, we finally checked the cemeteries and found him in front of Xander's grave. A whole group of demons were about to jump him. That's something that you probably wouldn't know about. After he got chipped and allied himself with us, it was like there was a big target painted on him. Just about every demon in Sunnydale was after him. They despised him for helping us. Again, Xander was the one that found that out. Found him lying in a alleyway, broken and bleeding after a gang of demons got though with him. That was before they got together. Took care of him then, too. Anyway, back to the cemetery, I killed all of them, except for one. I told him to spread the word. Anyone that even thinks of gunning for Spike, they'll wish that I made it quick for them. He was never bothered after that. We tried to keep him home. Tried to keep an eye on him, but sooner or later, he was back at Xander's grave. He needs time and distance to heal and he's not getting that in Sunnydale. We want to know if we can bring him here. Give him the time and distance and hopefully, he'll get better. We wouldn't ask unless we were desperate. You know that. If you can't ... won't help us, I don't know what we'll do. So will you do it? Give Spike a chance? He's done so much for us and he doesn't deserve this pain. No matter what he's done in the past. I know how you feel about him and you know I wouldn't ask if we had any other solution." 

Angel got up to pace. He had a lot to think about. On one hand, he hated Spike and normally wouldn't spit on him to put out a fire. On the other hand, Buffy asked for a favor and he knew that she hated to do that. 

"I don't know about this. I need to think about it, Buffy." 

Willow stood up in anger. "Need to think about it?! You need to think about it? I was right Buffy. He's not gonna help us. We'll think of something else to help Spike. Let's go." 

Buffy reached out with Slayer speed and latched onto her wrist, preventing her from storming off. Looking into her resolve face, she knew that it would take some fancy talking to keep her from using magic to lash out. She'd been doing so well, but with Xander's death and worry over Spike, it wouldn't take much to push her to the edge of addiction again. She had to defuse that and smooth the way for all of them. 

"Angel's right, Willow. He does need time to think about this. It's a lot to lay on him right now and we don't want the wrong decision to be made here. We need ... Spike needs the right decision right now. We can't short change him because of one of us is having a temper tantrum. Angel needs to think about this clearly. I know that he'll choose between doing the right thing and doing something for spite. How much time do you need? We can't wait too long though. We'll need to do something soon." 

Angel was impressed by Buffy's speech. The young, impulsive girl that he'd fell in love with had grown into an insightful young woman. 

"When are you two heading back to Sunnydale? Can you stick around for awhile?" 

Buffy nodded and stood next to Willow. 

"We can hang for a bit. Maybe Cordy'll know of any shoe sales going on. How much time will you need? I'll leave my cell phone number so that you can get in touch with us at any time." 

Angel slightly shuddered at the phrase 'shoe sale'. Cordelia at a shoe sale still scared him like no demon could. 

"A few hours, maybe. Don't worry, I won't take long." 

The two girls left and Angel made his way to his bedroom. He needed solitude to think. The first thought he had was to just stake Spike. It would make everything easier in his opinion, but it'll upset the girls. He didn't really want to help him, but maybe if he got him out of Sunnydale, it'll make life easier for Buffy. He'd do anything to help her out, that was true, but this? Live with the pain in his ass to make her happy? Of course he would. Besides, Spike could be faking the whole thing just to get sympathy. But still, he'd never known Spike to beg before. Not even when he and Darla double-teamed him. Well, he'll find out soon enough. After thinking it over from all angles, considering and discarding other options, he made his final decision three hours later. 

Digging out his cell phone, he punched in the numbers written on the slip of paper that Buffy gave him. After six rings he was about to give up when she answered. He could hear the sounds of dozens of screaming women in the back ground, Cordy coming in loud and clear. 

"'That's my shoe, you big cow!' 'Let go! I saw it first!' 'Do you have any of these in a size 9?' 'Anyone see the mate to this shoe?' 'I told you that coming here was a bad idea, Carol.' 'Where else would you find these shoes half price?' 'Mommy!!!' 'Susie, where are you?' 'That's my kid!' 'No, that's mine!' 'Do these make my ankles look fat?' 'Honey, your whole body's fat!' 'You bitch!' 'But you don't have anything to go with those straps!' 'But moooommm! All the other girls wear heels this high!' "What do you mean you don't take checks? Everybody takes checks!' 'Angel? Is that you? Willow, grab that black pair in a size 6 and a half! Wait, hold on a minute!' " 

There was muffled silence and then Buffy was back on line, the background thankfully quiet. Buffy came back on line, slightly out of breath. 

"Sorry about that. It's total chaos out there. You wouldn't believe some of those women! I actually came close to using my Slayer strength on some of those hussies! They couldn't fit those big clodhoppers into a size 6 and a half! Can you believe that? Have you made a decision?" 

It took Angel about a minute to process the babbling and to catch up. There was a slight echoing sound in the background. Where the hell was she? 

"Where the hell are you now?" Shit! Did he just say that? 

"In the bathroom, of course. Where else? So, did you make your decision?" 

"Uh, yeah. I'll take Spike." 

"Oh, good. That's great. So, we'll bring him back here in a few days ... nights, I mean." 

"No, no. I'll go down to Sunnydale and get him tonight. It doesn't make any sense for you to make so many trips." 

"But, so ... so soon though? I mean, can't it wait a few days? I mean, to give us all time to get use to the idea?" 

"I think that now's the best time. The sooner the better, I think. We don't want to give either of us the chance to back out of this. Don't tell him that I'm coming, alright? If you want to, just say I'm just a visitor. He might try to bolt if he knows it's me." 

"Yeah, I guess so. O ... Ok. Tonight then. I'll see you tonight. I think I'm gonna go now. Have to pick something out for Dawn and pay for everything. I'll see you tonight." 

'Damn', Angel thinks. 'She sounds so disappointed that it'll be tonight. It has to be tonight. I have to get him out of there. The sooner the better I think.' Stripping off his clothes, he turned in for the day, already making plans for the trip. 

Hanging up the phone, she made her way back into the melee of the shoe sale. Finding Willow and Cordelia by their voices, she relieved them of their burdens. Taking one look at her face, Willow exclaimed, 'Oh, no! He's not gonna help us, is he? That big poopie head! I still say we don't need him! We'll figure something else out." 

"No, Willow. He'll do it. It's just that ... he wants to get him tonight. He'll drive to Sunnydale tonight and bring him back here to L.A." 

"Now? Tonight? Tonight tonight? As in as soon as the sun goes down, tonight? That's too soon! You'll have to tell him that that's too soon! He can't go tonight!" 

Cordelia interrupted the Willow babble before she got way out of control. 

"I agree with him, Willow. It's best to do this as soon as possible. It's a shock, I know, but maybe the quickest way is the easiest. Kinda like ripping off a band-aid. Quick and fast. It'll hurt less in the long run. This way, you won't have to dwell on losing him. Well, not losing losing him. And when he's feeling better, you guys can come and visit. Or call. Calling would be good. It won't be so bad. The one we have to think about is Spike. If this is the best for him, then so be it. Xander would want this." 

Buffy and Willow knew that Cordy was right. When did she grow up? Hell, when did they all grow up? Sadden a little, all three paid for their purchases, plenty of shoes for the three girls, plus shoe presents for Dawn, Tara and Fred. Dawn and Tara because they missed the trip (they refuse to think of them as future bribes) and Fred because Cordy thought that she should move into the twenty-first century of shoes. The pair that she owns belongs to a little girl from Kansas. Not too far off, but the girl needed to trade up. Badly. 

Tara was just coming up from the basement when both girls walked through the door. Willow smiled shyly at her and handed her her gift. She thanked her with a kiss on the cheek. Looking at Buffy, she gave her Spike sitting report. 

"No c-c-change. Still the same. How did it go?" 

"Well, Angel's coming down later tonight to pick him up. I don't know what to say to Dawn. Hell, I don't know what to say to Spike when the time comes. I haven't discussed this with him. Angel doesn't want him to know right now. He's afraid that he'll bolt. Maybe he'll take it bad and snap out of this funk. Maybe then he won't have to go. I think I'm going to go see him. Sit with him for awhile. Let me know when Dawn comes home from school, ok?" 

The two witches nodded and went to trying on and showing off the shoes in the living room. Buffy made her way down to the dark basement. She hoped that he was finally asleep. She didn't know if Dawn or Tara knew it or not, but she knew, and now Willow and Angel also knew, that he still hadn't been sleeping well lately. He thought that he was hiding it. Keeping his back to them, not crying out during the nightmares. She knew though. She knew that he was getting worse. Reaching the vampire, she pulled up a chair and sat beside him. He was in the same position as always. Hunched over, facing the wall, hugging his picture. 

"Well. I'm back. Me and Willow hit a wicked shoe sale in L.A. You should have seen some of those women. It was unbelievable what some of them would go though just for a pair of shoes. Good thing I'm the Slayer. I managed to save quite a few pairs of them from going to the wrong people. Terrible thing that is. Poor little shoes, going to people who would just wear them with uncoordinated outfits. I mean, can you imagine a cute little pair of blue pumps going to someone who would wear them with a pink polka dot dress on a nighttime date? Horrible thought. Besides, I think half of those women were hookers. I just saved those shoes from a life of crime." 

Nothing from Spike. Usually when the girls started talking about shoes, he made rude comments and gestures. Now he did nothing. Reaching out and stroking the blond hair, she tried to break though again. 

"You're getting a visitor tonight. Somebody who really wants to see you. I won't tell you who, though. I'll let it be a surprise." 

Just as she was about to go on, Willow called downstairs. Dawn was home. Bending over, she gently kissed the messy blond curls and went upstairs to break the news to Dawn. 

Spike just layed there, absorbing the news. He was getting a visitor? Who? The only other friend he had beside the Slayer group was Clem and as far as he knew, he'd stopped coming around a few months ago. He didn't want to see anyone. He didn't care who they were, he wasn't going to talk to them. After a few hours of the silent treatment the visitor would go away and he'll be left alone again. The way he wants to be. He wished that he felt something else. Contempt for whomever was coming over, hatred over the way the girls hovered over him, or even pity for himself. But, he felt almost nothing. Nothing but a mind-numbing grief. He felt colder than he'd ever felt before. He just wished that it would go away. That it would all go away. He let his mind drift to a pleasant memory of him and Xander. 

As she had predicted, Dawn was upset with the plan. She even accused her of bribing her with the shoes. It took both Willow and Tara to tell the crying teen that this was the best way. The only way. All four girls sat down to wait for night. Dawn had wanted to go to Spike. To tell him goodbye. Buffy vetoed it though. She told them what Angel had said about Spike bolting at the news and didn't want to chance him going out the door in daylight. It was a very tense group sitting on the couch. Waiting. 

************************************** 

Angel came down the stairs a few hours after the sun went down. Putting on his long leather coat he announced to Cordy and Fred, "I'm going to get Spike. I'll be back soon as possible. Don't bother to wait up." And with that, he swept out of the hotel. 

Cordy and Fred went back to work, both lost in their own thoughts. Cordy was worried about Spike. She hoped that he would get better here. She had promised Buffy that she would make sure that Spike fed. No matter what. Fred wondered whether Spike would like her or not. He had heard stories about William the Bloody, both good and bad. She knew that he couldn't hurt humans now, and that was an amazing piece of hardware in his brain that she would just love to get her hot little hands on, but she also knew that words hurt just as bad. And according to sources that knew, Spike had a wit as sharp as a knife. 

Angel had spent the long trip to Sunnydale thinking. He'll know soon enough if Spike was faking. If he was, Buffy'll finally get fed up with the mooch and throw him out of her house. He hated the idea of Spike living there. Close to the girls, getting sympathy that he didn't deserve. Spike couldn't have loved Xander. He was a soulless demon. He couldn't love anybody. Drusilla hadn't really counted because they were both demons. 

Finally reaching 1630 Revello Drive, he pulled up in front of the house. Halfway up the walk, he stopped in shock. The wave of grief hit him hard. Even from out here, he felt it. Wave after wave of grief seeped out of that house. He knew that it wasn't Buffy's or Willow's. He would've felt that in the hotel. This was different. Stronger. Masculine. He knew that this was Spike's feelings. Spike's grief. His grandchilde always had strong emotions. Even in the bad old days. Even when Angelus spent whole days beating him for that simple reason. Suddenly, for the first time, he doubted his thoughts about him faking. There was no way that he could've faked this much grief for this long. Oh, Spike could hold a grudge for decades, but no way was he capable of carrying this out. 

Dawn answered the door, pout prominent on her face. The glare on her face made Angel nervous. He hoped that she wasn't hiding a stake behind her back. 

"Hello, Dawn. It's nice to see you again." 

"You're here to take him away from us, aren't you?" 

He winced at the accusing tone. 

"I'm here to see him, yes. I hope that if I talk to him it might help. If I do have to take him with me, it's only to help him. I hope you know that." 

"Yeah, whatever." 

And she left him standing at the door. He tried to come in, but the barrier was up. He hadn't been invited in since the last time the disinvite spell was done, when Harmony had been accidentally let in. So little sister still hated him. She hadn't really liked him even before he became Angelus and another wave of jealousy hit him. She obviously liked Spike, a soulless demon, over Angel, the one with the soul. Now that hurt. 

It only took a few minutes of him standing there before Buffy came to the door. Smiling sadly she invited him in. The girls were gathered in the living room. One, Tara he guessed from Cordy's description of the girl, smiled shyly at him. She reminded him a little of Fred. One still hostile teen and Willow was sitting on the couch. He nodded to everybody. There was an awkward silence until Buffy broke it. 

"Well, since you're here, I'll take you to see Spike. His blood is almost ready. Maybe you can get it down him. We've tried for days." 

She led him to the kitchen just as the microwave beeped, signalling that the blood was ready.

"Do you want any? We have plenty left. As a matter of fact, you can take the rest with you, since he won't be here to drink it. We know how blood turns after awhile." 

Angel politely declined. He just wanted to get this over with. The longer he was in the house, the more the grief seemed to weigh him down. By now, it felt like a truck was sitting on his chest. The closer to the basement he got, the heavier the feeling. He followed her down the stairs. 
 
 

He and Xander were cuddled on the couch, stretched out with him on the outside and Xander's warmth at his back. It was the weekly Saturday night slumber party with the girls. Every Saturday night, after dates and patrols, they all gathered at the Bloody Harris household. That's what he insisted on calling it. The Bloody Harris household. Hey, the 'Bit got a right kick out of it. The girls were stretched out on sleeping bags on the floor. The sisters were side by side and the witches were close together again. A chick flick played on the VCR. He and Xander amused themselves by occasionally throwing popcorn at the TV and making rude comments about Hugh Grant. Their good violent movies were for later, after the girls dropped off. Well, actually they were for him because Xander never lasted much past the birds. He squirmed a bit, grateful for the blanket covering them both. Xander had been whispering in his ear; telling him all the naughty things that he was going to do to him as soon as the girls left in the morning. The boy had him lying there with a rock hard erection with no way to relieve it. The lousy whelp did this to him every time. The only consolation he had was that he knew that Xander was in the same state. He could feel the heat of his cock though the back of his tight black jeans. Which was getting tighter the longer that Xander whispered. Soon though, all the girls were sound asleep and he got up to pop in a manly man movie. He snickered a bit at that phase. Xander insisted on calling them that. He heard it on a show called 'Home Improvement with Tim Allen'. If the girls got to watch chick flicks, they could only watch movies that had more testosterone in the first five minutes then a whole hardware store during rush hour. Thus, the Manly Man Movies were born. It was only fair he said. After all, just because they were surrounded by women folk all day, and they were gay, was no reason to let their manliness go to pot. He agreed whole-heartedly. Turning the volume down to keep from waking up the sleeping females, he rejoined Xander on the couch. They didn't need to hear the movie, just seeing the explosions were enough. Xander snaked his arm around his pale stomach, pulling him closer and softly rubbed his nose in the nape of his neck. He stifled a giggle. That was his ticklish spot and his lover knew it well. No one else knew about it, it wouldn't be a good image for the Big Bad. It wasn't long before the soft snores of his boyfriend reached his hearing. Being a creature of the night, he didn't sleep when the others did. He spent most of these nights watching the silent movies and keeping watch over the girls. He turned over, carefully so not to wake the dark haired love of his unlife, and watched the sleeping boy. No, not boy. He was all man. He briefly wondered just when Xander Harris had grown up to be this amazing person. The man that he loved with all his unbeating heart. There wasn't anything he wouldn't do for him. He kissed the warm forehead and tucked a slightly curling lock of dark hair behind his ear; planning on how soon he could make breakfast, stuff the girls full, throw them out the door, and get busy on all the things that Xander had promised to do to him as soon as the girls were gone. Reaching out for the fallen lock again, Xander's deep brown eyes opened and they smiled at each other. Leaning forward for a deep kiss... 
 

The basement door was loud when it was opened, breaking Spike out of his dream. He frowned at the intrusion. He just wanted to have one good dream without somebody interrupting him. Why don't they break in on the nightmares? He'd be grateful for the company then. Everybody had such lousy fucking timing. 

He heard Buffy's light tread on the stairs. Somebody was with her. Somebody heavy. A man. For one brief joyous second he thought it was Xander. Xander was back! His dying was all a dream. Just a Dallas dream when Bobby had died; not that he would ever admit that he'd watched that soap. Passions was one thing, but Dallas was a whole different story. It took a second for the scent to hit him. Big. Masculine. Broody. Oh, great! Who called the poofy wanker? He stayed where he was. He didn't want to see him, so he won't. 

Angel stared at the lying vampire, facing the wall, hunched over. He hadn't moved when he and Buffy came down into the basement. He still hadn't so much as twitch when he and Buffy stood by the bed. A lamp was on, casting a half shadow across the bed. 

"Spike, you have a visitor. Feel like sitting up? I have some blood for you. Hungry?" 

There was no movement from the bed. Taking the cup from Buffy, he motioned for her to leave. He tried to reassure her. 

"I'll take it from here. You go on up and I'll see that he feeds. Ok?" 

Nodding, she took one last look at Spike and left the basement. Waiting until the door closed, he turned back to the bed. 

Using his sire's voice he told him, "Sit up. Now." 

Spike just layed there for a minute. He briefly thought of disobeying him; he wasn’t his sire after all, but then just decided that the effort wasn't worth it. Turning over, he sat up. He refused to look at him though. 

Thrusting the cup under his nose he told him, "Drink. Now. Or else I'll pour it down your throat myself." 

Spike just sat there for a minute, smelling the warm blood. His stomach twisted in revulsion. He didn't want it. He wasn’t hungry. But, he knew that if he refused it, Angel would carry out his threat. Best to get this over with. Besides, if he does this, maybe the fucking wanker would go away. Go away and leave him and Xander alone. Reaching out with a thin hand, he took the cup and drained it in one long swallow. He considered throwing the empty cup at him. But, he knew that Angel would just duck and the cup would shatter against the wall. He wouldn't feel like cleaning it up and he knew that Angel wouldn't. He didn't want to make extra work for the girls, either. Besides, he really didn't have the energy to do that. Or the anger. With that, he carefully sat it on the crate next to the bed. 

"Look at me." 

Spike slowly raised his head and looked at Angel. Or actually, through Angel. 

Angel was shocked at the bleak look in the younger vampire's eyes. He was also shocked about his appearance. Granted, most of the time Spike didn't care what he wore, as long as it was black and tight, but this was totally different. He'd never seen Spike look like this. His skin was paler then normal, well normal for a vampire. He could actually count the bones in the thin body before him. Dark, dark circles marred the skin above his once perfect cheekbones. The cheekbones that had almost sunken completely in. His once lively blue eyes were dull and blank. He was wearing Xander's clothes, he'd been warned about that, and the outfit hung on the thin frame. He looked like a tall child playing dress-up in daddy's clothes. The normally bleached and gelled hair was messy, showing the slightly darker roots and outrageous curls. The same curls that he had when he was William the Awful Poet. He was clutching something to his chest like it was the Holy Grail. The emotion pouring off of him hadn't left when Angel spoke. He'd expected anger. Even hatred. He had been prepared for anything. Anything but this. This deep, dark depressive feeling of grief. He had to take him with him now. There was no other choice. And there was no good way to tell him either. 

"I'm here to take you back to L.A. with me. The girls are worried about you and they don't need this crap that you're pulling. I'm going upstairs to talk to the girls and I'll give you thirty minutes to get your shit together. Then we're leaving. You got that? If you won't talk, at least nod." 

He got a nod for his trouble. Angel was disappointed. He'd expected at least a 'Fuck off, wanker!' He'd wanted a 'Fuck off, wanker!' Anything but this grief filled vampire still sitting there on an unmade bed. He went to talk to the girls, leaving a shell-shocked vampire behind. 

'He's taking me away? Away from Xander? Please, don't. Please don't make me leave. Xander will be all alone then.' The same thoughts kept repeating inside his head as he clutched the picture more securely to his chest and made his way out of the basement. Listening at the door, he made sure that no one was lurking in the kitchen, and made his way out of the house by the back door. The blood that he'd had made him just a little bit stronger and it took him less time to make it to Xander's grave. Instead of sitting in front of it, like usual, he curled up around the grave, one hand still clutching the picture tightly and the other hugging the headstone. He laid his head on Xander's name and let himself drift off into a memory. He just wanted to be left alone with his love. 

Clem walked though the open back door. He'd come like he did every other night, hoping to see his friend Spike. The first few months that he'd come to see him, Spike refused to look at him. To talk to him. To even acknowledge that he was in the same zip code. Clem didn't take offence though. He knew that Xander's death had hit him hard. He saw the grief constantly pouring off of the slim vampire in dark purple waves. One of Clem's 'talents' was seeing other creatures' auras. It didn't always work with humans. Their moods were always changing from moment to moment. With his talent he was usually able to stay away from the bad asses, Spike not actually counting since he was chipped. It also helped him cheat a little, just a little mind you, at kitten poker. It helped when you knew when the other demons were bluffing. Besides, he liked Spike and hated to see him go through this. After getting no reaction from him, Clem had satisfied himself with coming to the house every other night and asking after him. The answer was almost always the same. He wasn't talking, barely feeding, still grieving. So he contented himself with second hand news and hanging with the Dawnster. He'd also taken over the blood buying for the Slayer. He knew where and when the freshest blood was available, it freed one of the girls from a quote 'icky' end quote chore, and it made him feel a little bit useful. If his friend wouldn't see him, at least he was helping in a very small way. 

He silently closed the door, mentally reminding himself to say something to the Slayer. Vampires might need an invite, but other nasty demons didn't. Not to mention bad humans. No need to risk temptation he always said. Walking into the living room, he greeted the four girls and openly stared at the tall dark vampire in the recliner. He was giving off waves of pale green, a sure sign of uneasiness. 

Angel was in the middle of telling them about a recent case when a very wrinkly skinned, large eared demon came into the living room. After greeting the girls, the loose skinned demon just looked at him. It made him want to check to see if his zipper was down. When the other girls made no move to slay him, Angel figured that he was safe. Well, as safe as a demon in a hellmouth got. Then he figured that this was the infamous Clem. He wasn't a detective for nothing. Also, Tara saying 'Hi, Clem', also gave him a clue. 

After the introductions, Clem casually jerked his thumb towards the kitchen and announced, "You left the back door wide open, Buffy. Anybody could've walked in at anytime. Gotta keep out the riff-raff you know." 

It took them all about a minute to process this information. They all went into the kitchen and stared at the door. The now closed door. 

"Clem, you said that the door was opened? Are you sure?" Willow wanted to know. 

"Sure I'm sure. You know that I always knock." Clem was just a tiny bit hurt at the doubt in their eyes. Then the feeling went away and he was his old bouncy self. So the door was left open for once. Maybe one of the girls went outside for something and shutting the door just slipped her mind. Stuff like that always happened to him. 

Acting on a hunch, Buffy went down to the basement. She was up in less then a minute, distress written all over her face. 

"Spike's gone." 

Dawn whirled on Angel. "You left him alone?! You moron! You're never suppose to leave him alone at night! What did you say to him to make him run away? This is all you're fault, you know! 

Angel tried to defend himself. "Hey, all I said was that I was going to talk to you guys and we'll be leaving in thirty minutes. I didn't know he would bolt. I'll go find him and then we'll be on our way. Does anybody know where he'd go?" 

Buffy rolled her eyes at his obtuseness. She and Willow had told him just that morning where Spike always went when he left the house. Didn't he ever listen to anyone but himself? Willow rolled her eyes when she answered. 

"He goes to the same place he does every time he pulls his disappearing act. He went back to Xander's grave. He doesn't go anywhere else. That's why we asked for your help. Remember?" 

Angel received a pitying look from Tara and another glare from Dawn. He just gave them an 'I'm sorry' look and that's when Clem spoke up. 

"Spike's has to leave Sunnydale? Why? Where's he going? I don't think he's gonna like that." 

Buffy smiled sadly at Spike's best friend. She had hoped to give them all a little time to adjust before she broke the news to Clem. But with Angel insisting on now, there hadn't been time and she had completely forgotten that it was the friendly demon's night to visit. 

"Angel's taking him back to L.A. with him, Clem. He's not getting better here and we hope that with distance, he'll be back to his old self. He's not healing here. I hope you understand that it's for his own good." 

Clem just beamed at her. He was glad that someone had come up with a workable plan to help Spike. At least, he hoped that it was a workable plan. Anything was better then this. Maybe when he was better, he would come back for a visit. Or better yet, he'll go see him. He'd always wanted to see the bright lights of a big city. He bet that he could go out and take in the tours of the movie sets. Hey, it's L.A. after all. People would just assume that he was in some monster or sci-fi movie. Maybe he would sign a few autographs to some wide-eyed tourist from St.Louis or some place like that. That'll be fun. 

Patting Buffy on the shoulder, he happily reassured her. 

"Sure I understand. Anything to help out a friend, you know. It won't be forever. Mind if I tag along to the cemetery with you guys? To say goodbye?" 

"Sure Clem. It doesn't look like he took anything except his picture. Give me a few minutes and I'll pack the rest of his things. Dawn, could you find something to carry them in? We'll all go in Angel's car. This'll give him a few minutes alone ... to say goodbye to Xander." 

"Buffy, are you sure that's where he went? He might have just decided to go somewhere else after all." 

All four girls and a big-eared demon gave Angel a 'Duh' look. Tara was the one to answer him in her soft voice. 

"He has n-no where else to go." 

And that said everything to Angel. Spike only had two places in Sunnydale where he was welcomed now. The Summers' house and Xander's grave. He thought about what Buffy had said earlier that day. About all of the demons hating Spike because he allied himself with the Scoobies. Spike was a social creature. He needed others around him. Any others. When he was with Dru, they had each other and were surrounded with minions. He hated to be alone. Living by himself in an old crypt didn't really count because he could always leave and meet the others for patrol or something. Cut him off and all he had left was time. Nothing but endless time. He had been there himself. Just after he got the soul. It was a lonely existence. And here he was, taking him from some place where he was loved and taking him somewhere far away. Practically among strangers, in a strange place, no anchors of love. For the second time, he had doubt and pity for the younger vampire. He prayed that he was doing the right thing. For all of them. 

It took less then five minutes for Buffy to load up the backpack that Dawn had found for her. It was Dawn's old Hello Kitty backpack and she smiled at the teenager when she presented it to her. Dawn said that maybe Spike'll take on look at it and make a pithy remark. Something scorching like he used to do. Something normal for him. Willow packed the rest of the blood in a small cooler and Clem ended up taking that. 

Angel stared at the small bag. He could tell that it wasn't full. That was all? That was all that Spike owned? Granted the vampire tended to travel light, but this was ridiculous. But, something was missing. 

"Where's his duster?" 

"The Harris's destroyed it when they ransacked the apartment. Cut it to ribbons. I don't think that Spike's even noticed. He hasn't even asked for it." Willow explained with anger in her voice. 

Angel felt a momentary flair of anger himself. It wasn't right for them to do something like that. Spike couldn't lay a hand on them and they go and do something like this out of spite. At least, he thought, they hadn't gone after Spike since the funeral. And then he wondered why he felt concern for him. He hadn't felt that since he left for the final time after he got his soul. 

Piling into Angel's car, Buffy directed him to the right cemetery. Buffy and Dawn had crammed themselves into the front seat, Dawn next to the door. She didn't want to be near Angel. Willow, Tara and Clem took the back seat. The whole group was quiet the entire way; with the exception of directions that Angel didn't really need. He had lived in Sunnydale and hung out in the graveyards while patrolling with Buffy. He knew where he was going. But, he let her talk because no one else would. 

It seemed like no time had passed when they pulled up to Shady Oaks Cemetery. Everybody just sat in the car. No one really wanted to make the first move. Making the first move would take Spike away. Making the first move would take him to L.A. A place where he really wasn’t wanted and where he really didn’t want to go. 

Angel finally got out of the car and everybody followed his lead. It was a solemn group that walked into the graveyard. Buffy lead the way, followed by Dawn, who still held the backpack, and then Willow and Tara, side by side, holding hands. Clem left the cooler in the back seat and followed the girls. Angel brought up the rear. 

Angel was so lost in thoughts and memories that he almost ran into Clem when the group stopped. Making his way to the front he saw the saddest sight that he'd ever seen before. There was Spike, hugging a headstone and gently rocking back in forth. Another wave of doubt hit him. No way was he faking this and no way was he going to be able to walk away from helping Spike. Whether or not he wanted it, Spike was getting his help. He just wondered if he would have his sanity at the end of this mess. 
 

Xander woke him up. He was having another nightmare again. He started to apologize for waking him up. He'll move to the couch. Xander told him that that was nonsense. Of course he'll sleep here. He belonged in this bed. With him and he always would. So, Spike had a nightmare. It wasn't the first and probably wouldn't be the last. Xander pulled him into his warm lap and started to gently rock him. Back and forth. Back and forth. It was the most comforting sensation that he'd ever experienced. Nothing sexual. Nothing leading into sex. He was surrounded by warmth and love. He wanted to be held like this forever and ever. 
 

A large presence intruded. Spike kept his eyes closed. Maybe if he didn't see him, Angel would go away. Go far, far away and leave him and Xander alone. He screwed his eyes tighter and dug his fingernails into the stone. He. Wasn't. Going. Anywhere! 

Angel crouched down beside him. The feelings of grief increased. Laying what he hoped was a comforting hand on Spike's shoulder, he tried to get through to him. 

"Spike. It's time to go now." 

He just hugged the gravestone harder. 

"Spike. If you don't get up now, I'll just have to carry you. Because one way or another, you're coming with me." 

He heard Dawn give a gasp of outrage. Angel was going to forcefully drag Spike away! Didn't that bastard see that he was sick with grief? Where was his compassion? His sympathy? He was suppose to help Spike. How dare he think that he could manhandle anybody he wants to! Well, she'll just give him a piece of her mind right now! 

She'd taken two steps forward before Buffy stopped her. Giving her a sad look and a shake of her head, she said, "Let Angel handle this. He knows what he's doing." 

Under her breath she added, "I hope." 

Oblivious to the gang behind him, Angel knew that he would have to drag him to the car. He didn't want to do it. Didn't want to humiliate him like that. And it would be humiliating for the blond vampire. But it had to be done. If he didn't want to walk to the car, he'll carry him there. There was no other choice. 

"Ok. Have it your way. Just remember, you brought this on yourself." 

Putting his arms around the blond's thin waist, he gently tugged. Spike dug his nails in harder. 

"Damn it, Spike. Don't make this any harder then it has to be." 

Not thinking about the fact that one hand was clutching granite, Angel lunged with all of his strength backwards, pulling Spike with him. His fingernails made a horrible screeching noise, much like nails down a chalk board, before breaking off past the quick. He left gouge marks and a bloody trail down the back of the headstone. Spike didn't even give a whimper of pain. He just placed his bloody hand over his chest, hugging the picture closer. Picking him up, Angel headed for the car, a stiff figure held in his arms. He was upset over the loss of weight. It was like holding a bundle of pipe cleaners covered with a thin layer of paper. He'll fix that up. He'll fix everything. Somehow. 

Angel and his burden walked through the remaining Scoobies and they in turn followed him. Not bothering to use the door, the top was down, he gently placed him in the front passenger seat and buckled the seatbelt over him. He never let go of the picture so the strap held his arms prisoner. Turning back to the group, he nodded to them and told them to say their goodbyes. 

Each girl came forward, told him that they loved him and would see him soon, and kissed his bowed head. Clem just patted him on the shoulder and said "See you later." He forwent the kiss though. By the time all of them had their say, each girl was sobbing. Even Clem looked a little choked up. Dawn handed Angel the backpack and told him that she'll be calling weekly to check up on Spike and he'd better be taking good care of Spike or she'll go medieval on his sorry, blood sucking broody ass. All Angel could do was nod again and start the car. He pulled out into the street and left them all still standing there. Through it all, Spike said nothing, did nothing. He just sat as far away from Angel that he could with the seatbelt strapped around him, and his head bowed. Angel had a feeling that the trip home would be a lot longer than the trip to Sunnydale. 

Halfway to L.A. Spike finally talked. His voice was rusty from disuse and pitched softly. If Angel hadn't been a vampire, the words would've been lost in the sound of the air rushing past the speeding car. 

"Look, I'll make a bargain with you. Just find me a nice cave and drop me off. You don't really want me and I really don't want to go to L.A. So, just find me a cave, drop me off and go on your merry little way, huh? If they call, you could always say that I was out and was 'better'. You'll be happy, the girls'll be happy and I'll be happy. No fuss, no muss, no guilt. Whatdaya think mate?" 

"I'm thinking that that's the most stupid plan you ever thought up. I promised Buffy that I'll take you, so I'm taking you. You don't really have a say in this, Spike. Not until you're back to your old pain in the ass self. And don’t think about running either. I'll just track you down and drag you back with me. We're stuck with each other for the time being, so don't try my patience, alright Spike?" 

Nothing from the other side of the car except silence, once again. 

"Answer me." 

There was another long silence and just as Angel was about to repeat himself, he heard the whisper soft answer. It was the voice of defeat. 

"Alright." 

"There's some rules we have to go over. First of all. No smoking in the hotel. You want to smoke, light up outside. Second, no picking fights with my co-workers. I know you can't hit humans but I don't want you deliberately picking fights that you and I know that you'll never win. Thirdly, no going anywhere without my say so. I don't want to go all the way down to Sunnydale and drag your dead ass back. The only one allowed to change the rules is me. Do you hear me?" 

"I hear." 

And that was that. The rest of the trip was spent in absolute silence. Angel tried to listen to the radio, turning it to a classical station. It didn’t help. The depressive feeling just got worse. He finally snapped it off in disgust. This whole thing was going to be really fun. 

Spike sat in his seat, as far away as he could get from Angel, thinking. He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave Xander all alone in the cold ground. Xander needed him. And he needed Xander. He heard the radio turn on. Some kind of classical shit that he didn't really want to hear, but he wasn’t up to saying anything about it. He had promised that he wouldn't leave Xander by himself. Promised a long time ago. Now, he was breaking it. Not intentionally, but still breaking it. His heart hurt. He didn't notice when the radio snapped off. He didn't notice when they passed by the city limits sign. He didn't look at the bright lights of the city, nor did he hear the loud noise of the people of L.A. And he didn't even notice when the car stopped moving. 

Angel just sat there, parked in his customary spot in front of the hotel. Spike hadn't seem to notice anything at all. Unsnapping both seat belts, he got out of the car and grabbed the backpack and the cooler. Spike still hadn't moved. Opening the passenger door he ordered Spike to get out. Still no nothing. 

Just at Angel almost lost his patience and dragged him out, Spike slowly got out. He stood on shaky legs beside the car, waiting for the next orders. Still silent. Angel thrust the pack at him and he unwrapped one hand to hold the straps. It was the bloody hand. Angel stared at the hand, suddenly wanting to bandage it. Clean it up. Make it better. But he knew he couldn't. He buried his feelings for Spike a long time ago. Spike had no place in his world anymore. He couldn't love him because he was a soulless monster. A soulless monster that was standing in front of him, looking so sad and lost. 

Resisting the urge to hug him, to hold him and let him know that there was someone who loved him, he turned around and lead the way into the hotel, silently telling himself, 'I'm doing this for Buffy. I'm doing this for Buffy. I'm doing this for Buffy.' 

He heard Spike's soft tread behind him. He was momentarily grateful that he hadn't had drag him into the Hyperion. He held the door open for him, motioning him in first. Spike had only taken a dozen steps before he froze. The lobby was full of people. Well, not really full. Four sets of eyes stared at him. He dropped his head and went back to staring at nothing. Angel stood beside Spike, not believing his eyes. All of the gang was here, waiting for the new arrivals. 

Cordelia didn't hesitate. She quickly reached the smaller vampire and gave him a big hug. Spike didn't move. She was clearly upset over his appearance. Sharp bones dug into her hands and arms and she could tell that the stress of this was already getting to him. She dragged him down the steps to meet the rest of the L.A. team. Angel followed behind, feeling a bit left out. 

Motioning to a slim brown haired girl to come forward, she introduced them, "Spike, this is Fred. Fred, this is Spike." 

Fred held out her hand. The first time she'd seen the vampire, she couldn't believe his condition. It was obvious that he was slowly starving himself. His eyes were dulled and he projected a 'Keep Away' feeling. She knew that feeling. Lived it when she was stuck on Pylea. As usual, she began to babble, one sentence running right after the other. 

"Hi pleased to meet you my real name is Winifred, but nobody calls me that but they call you Spike don't they hope you be happy here it's a great place to live lots of room and oh I see that your hands are full can I take anything for you?" 

Spike finally looked at her when she paused for breath. She reminded him of the 'Bit, Glinda and Red, all rolled into one. He looked at her outstretched hand and quietly shifted the picture to his other hand. Holding both the pack and picture in one arm, he slowly reached out with the uninjured hand and took her hand. It was the first time he voluntarily touched anyone since Xander had left. Her hand was slightly smaller then his, and warm. He kept the contact brief though and returned to holding the picture with both hands, the strap of the pack hanging from an elbow. 

Cordy quickly introduced the two men standing behind Fred. Gunn and Wesley just nodded hello, and Spike did the same. It was a guy thing. There was an awkward silence. Nobody really wanted to make the first move. They all stared at Spike and Spike stared at the floor. He was the one to break the silence. 

"Room?" His voice was still whisper soft, but in the silence, everyone heard him. 

"Huh?" Angel asked, still staring at the bowed head. 

"Room? What room am I in?" Spike clarified himself. Had everybody suddenly gone stupid? He gets dragged to L.A. against his will, taken to a place he didn't want to be, and they don't know what room they'll put him in? Did the fucker just think he'll camp out in the lobby? Not that he cared. Lobby. Room. Didn't matter as long as he was left alone in the end. Alone with Xander. 

Actually, Angel hadn't really given much thought to where Spike would be staying. He hadn't had a room prepared for him and wasn't sure if there was a comfortable bed for him. Not that he wanted him to be comfortable. He was here to heal and as soon as he did, he could leave. And why did that thought give him a pain in his chest? 

"It's a hotel, Spike. There's lots of rooms. As long as you don't choose mine or Fred's, take your pick. Not all of them have beds though, so..." he trailed off as soon as Spike started to move towards the stairs. He was being ignored again. Fine, if that's how that stubborn jackass wanted to play it, it was fine with him. He didn't care anymore. He was out of Buffy's hair and that's what mattered. He felt another brief flair of pain in his chest. 

It was a quiet group that watched a lonely vampire make his way upstairs. 

*****

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