Fullness and Freedom

by
Yindagger

Part 1

*****

The sun had set, and the only empty space was on the back steps at Buffy’s house. Everyone else was inside, talking, planning, plotting – trying to ready themselves for a war with the evilest thing that ever did evil. And Xander? He was sitting on the step, drinking a beer and running his left hand up and down his hairless right arm, his fingers gliding up and down the smooth, tanned skin. Awakening just past noon he had realized that for once he hadn’t felt Anya’s absence like a weight on his chest. He rolled across the large bed and stretched, feeling languid and relaxed. The slide of his body against the worn cotton sheets had reminded him of a few things he no longer had: body hair for one, and it seemed as if a few inhibitions had been plucked and waxed away also.

Lying in the tangle of sheets, he’d relived every moment of the previous day in about two minutes, and then spent half an hour reliving the sweet, gentle kiss he’d shared with Spike before the vampire had turned away with a bemused smile and left the apartment. He’d passed most of the day in a gentle haze, his mind coming back to the kiss and the look. The look that had been an amalgam of surprise, happiness, and sensuality; the look that had lingered on the vampire’s face. The vampire’s pretty face. Men weren’t supposed to be pretty, but Spike was – damn pretty. His face was too sculpted to be handsome, too defined to be rugged or manly, too beautiful to be called anything else but beautiful – or
pretty.

Spike stepped out onto the porch and watched the nimble slide of the human’s fingers. He remembered what that firm, silken skin felt like. He walked silently to Xander’s side and sat next to him, deftly removing the bottle from his hand and taking a swig before replacing it. He allowed himself to lean slightly against the warm body beside him. "Hey, Xander," he said in a low voice. Without thinking, Xander returned the lean and said, "Hey, Pretty." Spike lightly knocked their heads together in answer and again appropriated the beer. Xander plucked it from his hand before the vampire could drain it. "I said you were pretty, not special," he smiled, and drained the bottle himself.

"Thank you, Spike." The vampire didn’t turn his head, but kept staring out at the lawn. "For what?" he asked. Xander chuckled. "Don’t be coy, you know for what. For yesterday and last night. And for tonight." Spike turned a quizzical look on him then. "What have I done for you tonight?" he asked. Xander stood and held out a hand, pulling Spike upright. When they were face to face the human said, "I dunno. Why don’t you walk me home and you can ask me in the morning?" They turned and left through the gate, not wanting to go through the house and draw unnecessary attention to themselves. They walked in companionable silence through quiet streets for a while.

"What are we doing, Xan? " Spike asked. Xander turned and smiled grimly, without breaking his unhurried stride. "It’s going to be bad; you know that right? This war with the First is going to be bad and some of us are going to get dead in the process. Buffy thinks she can keep everybody alive if she has enough control – if she gets every single detail perfect. She’s wrong. There’s going to be bad shit happening." Spike nodded; he knew that the human was correct in his analysis of the situation. The First was ruthless, and not all of them were going to make it out the other side of the upcoming confrontation intact. It was just a fact.

Xander continued, and his tone was lighter. "So, I thought, what with the gathering apocalypse, we should try and have a little fun." They had arrived at Xander’s building. He opened the door and gestured for the vampire to enter. At the top of the stairs, Xander turned. "Last night you gave me something that I wanted very much." His voice dropped. "Is there something you want, Spike?" The vampire contemplated the question until the door of the apartment shut behind them. He stripped off his jacket and handed it to Xander, who hung it and his own side by side in the hall closet.

Spike hooked his thumbs into the pockets of his jeans and looked at Xander. The human was wearing baggy cargo pants, a loose sweater and hiking boots. With a grin he made a decision as to how he wanted to play this new game. He crossed his arms over his chest. "So, we’re going to play ‘I’ve always wanted to…’ huh, Xan?" Xander mimicked Spike’s stance and began rocking back and forth on his heels, grinning and nodding.

"OK, then – here’s what I want. I want you to go into the bedroom and put on the tightest pair of jeans that you own, and the tightest white tee shirt you own. No shoes, no socks, no underwear. Oh, and I want a beer." Spike turned, seated himself on the sofa and grabbed the remote. Xander’s grin broadened even more, and he went to the refrigerator. He walked back into the living room and handed the beer to Spike, placing one for himself on the low table. He turned and left the room.

In his bedroom, he stripped. Way in the back of a bottom drawer, Xander had a pair of jeans from high school. They were faded, threadbare, and so tight that he had to lie down on the bed to zip them. He pulled on a tight, white undershirt, and gave up the idea of tucking it in. Looking in the mirror, he tousled his hair a little more and licked his lips. The vampire wants a tight outfit, he thought; let’s give the vampire what he wants.

Spike was sitting exactly where Xander had left him, but the overhead lights had been turned off, leaving the room lit only by a couple of small lamps and the television. Xander did his best imitation of Spike’s own hip-shot strut until he was standing directly in front of the vampire, who gave him an appraising look and a sly smile. "Let’s see the rear view," he prompted. Xander held his arms out at his sides and pivoted slowly. With his back to Spike, he looked over his shoulder and winked. Spike laughed out loud. Xander finished his turn and bounced onto the sofa next to Spike, taking a long pull of his beer.

Spike took a sip of his beer and ran his hand up Xander’s thigh. "You’re up," he said, sitting back abruptly. The human’s eyes had lost focus during the brief caress, and he shook his head as if clearing cobwebs. "Huh?" Spike laughed. "It’s your turn. What do you want? What have you always wanted to do, to see, to know? your wish is my command." Xander thought for a long moment, then grabbed Spike by the hand, pulled him off the couch and dragged him toward the bathroom.

"What’s this, then?" Spike protested weakly, but allowed himself to be manhandled into the bathroom, where Xander started running water into the sink. While waiting for the water to heat up, the human reached into the shower and pulled out the bottle of unscented shampoo. He waved it at Spike. "Stick your head in the sink, bleach boy – I’ve always wanted to see what your hair looks like without all that crap in it." The vampire crossed his arms and scowled, but Xander pointed at the sink adamantly. "If I can wear pants that cut off my circulation, you can let me see you without your hair-armor." With a long-suffering sigh, Spike complied.

Xander stepped up next to the sink and carefully wet Spike’s hair, pouring a handful of the shampoo onto it and scrubbing softly to break up the stiff gel. Spike simply relaxed and enjoyed the warm water and the exquisite feeling of Xander’s fingers on his scalp. Too soon the shampoo was rinsed away and Xander was gently towel-drying the blond locks, which immediately separated into a riot of curls. Xander hung the towel with a flourish and exclaimed, "Gorgeous! I love it!" His open smile was infectious, and Spike found himself smiling, too, even though he was sure he looked like a friggin’ Q-Tip. Xander put a tiny dollop of hair gel into his hands and rubbed them together. He ran them through the roots of Spike’s hair and arranged the resulting waves for a moment. On impulse, he leaned in and gave the vampire a tiny kiss on the end of his nose. "Tag, you’re it," he said, then turned and ran from the bathroom with Spike in hot pursuit.

Spike easily caught Xander in the living room and shoved him toward the couch. Xander stood next to it and waited. He then noticed what the vampire had in his hand – Xander’s digital camera. "Strike a pose, Xan – gotta save this for posterity." Xander ducked his head shyly, and Spike caught the shot as he peeked up through the tousled waves that the motion had brought forward. The vampire lined up a full-body shot and snapped again. Xander held out his hand. "My turn," he crowed. Spike handed the camera over, admonishing, "If anyone sees these, I *will* kill and eat you." Xander laughed, and then darted forward to kiss Spike soundly. As soon as their lips parted, Xander took his shot, capturing the vampire’s expression – blue eyes cloudy with passion; lips reddened and swollen, curved into a shy smile. He snapped another photo as Spike reverted to form, smirking and raising an eyebrow.

After taking the camera and setting it on a nearby shelf, Spike paused to kick off his boots and socks, and then sat on one end of the couch. He grabbed one of Xander’s hands and pulled him down, arranging them so that the human was lying on his back with his head in Spike’s lap. He shifted a bit until they were both comfortable, and then began carding his fingers through Xander’s thick hair. What the hell, the vampire thought; I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. Boy likes it too, he’s practically purring. Xander’s dark eyes were closed to thin slits, and he turned his head slightly from side to side to lean into the touch of Spike’s cool fingers. "That feels so good, Spike," Xander said in a low tone. "Is it my turn again?" Spike’s fingers stopped moving. "Yeah, Xan – your turn," he said. Xander made a small, frustrated noise. "Bad vampire. Don’t stop." They shared a smile and Spike resumed his rhythmic stroking of Xander’s hair.

"Why the tight clothes, Spike? It’s not like you haven’t seen me naked." Xander stated. He looked up into the clear blue eyes above him. The vampire smiled. "I dunno – I just wanted to see what you look like without those baggy pants and eye-bleeding shirts. Wanted to see you wear something that would make me want to peel it off you out of horniness rather than self-preservation." Xander looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow. "And …" Spike smiled down into his eyes. "This’ll do nicely," he leered. "Look at you, Xander – you could have any girl, or guy for that matter, if you dressed like this and acted as confident as you are right now. Why do you hide?" Xander laughed ruefully. "Fear. Habit. Self-preservation." He sighed. "I never really spent a lot of time analyzing it – it’s just what I do. Sorry that’s not very deep. Your turn."

Spike thought for a moment, still running his fingers through Xander’s hair. Every few strokes he would turn his fingers so that his blunt nails scraped down the boy’s scalp, smiling when the dark head turned into the contact. He leaned down and brushed a soft kiss across Xander’s forehead. He spoke hesitantly, reluctant to break the playful mood. "Um … Xan, what part of last night did you like best?" Xander’s eyes flew open in surprise, but then his face relaxed into a smile. "Do you mean the prep or the main event?" he asked. Spike shrugged, to let him answer in his own way. Xander’s eyes were sparkling, and Spike could smell him heat up with arousal.

"Well," Xander started. "During the day, when they were getting me ready, the best part was the massage. I don’t think I’ve ever been so relaxed in my life. It was great." His eyes closed dreamily. "I actually fell asleep." His eyes opened and they shared a smile. "And the - er – main event, as you put it?" Spike prompted. Xander’s eyes darkened and he licked his lips, which had suddenly gone dry. When he finally spoke, his voice was husky. "It was all perfect, Spike, but the very best thing was when you slapped me." Spike’s eyes went wide, and his mouth opened but no sound came out. Xander continued, "Not that I’m saying I want you to smack me around, but when I refused you and you slapped me? That made it real. That was when I committed to, well, everything. I felt so … free." Xander snaked one hand up and around Spike’s neck and pulled the vampire’s head down to his.

Their lips touched softly, just sliding together lightly. Xander reached out with the tip of his tongue and traced Spike’s full lower lip. Their mouths opened against one another and their tongues met in the middle. The kiss stayed light and exploratory – neither was ready to go further at the moment, wanting to draw it out, but knowing that finally, inevitably they would wind up in Xander’s big, soft bed together. As their lips parted, Xander traced Spike’s cheekbone with his fingers, and the vampire trailed light kisses from his lip to his ear, nipping the lobe lightly as he straightened, still winding Xander’s hair around his fingers.

"What about you, Spike? What part did you like best?" Xander’s tone was light, and he was unprepared for the shudder that ran through the vampire’s body. Spike’s eyes were icy blue, and they glittered in the half-light. Xander reached up to touch his cheek with a startled look. Spike closed his eyes and swallowed audibly. When he opened his eyes, they were darkened and dilated with lust. His voice was husky. "When you called me "Master". That was so, God, Xan – that was so hot. I was sure that you’d never say it – that was why I gave you a choice of what to call me. And then you said it, twice. And the *way* you said it." He shuddered again. "Your voice, the way your body felt with my fingers inside you – that was… incredible."

Xander couldn’t tear his eyes away from Spike’s, even though he knew his face was flushing, both with arousal and embarrassment. He’d gotten used to Anya’s bluntness, so he was surprised that he could even blush anymore. But the intimacy of Spike’s words, coupled with the obvious lust in his eyes and voice, touched Xander deeply. He couldn’t believe that the vampire was opening himself up, stripping himself bare for Xander and risking ridicule, dismissal and hostility. When their lips met this time, it was rougher, harder. Spike’s tongue swept around the inside of Xander’s mouth, taking advantage of a moan to push deeper, mapping the contours of the roof of his mouth, nipping at his lips and kissing him breathless before pulling back just enough to let the human gulp in some much-needed air.

Xander smiled up at the vampire and reached up to run his fingers through the now-dry curls that fell over his pale forehead. "Your turn," he prompted. Spike opened his mouth to speak, and the phone rang. Both men groaned and shot the handset a dirty look where it sat on the coffee table. Xander picked it up reluctantly. "Hello? Hey, Buff." Spike and Xander exchanged a grimace, but the human made no move to shift from his position with his head in the vampire’s lap. With a shrug, Spike continued to card his fingers through Xander’s hair. He could easily hear Buffy through the phone.

"Xander, have you seen Spike? He’s missing. I’m worried," she said, and Spike winced at the shrillness of her tone. "Chill, Buffster," Xander said lightly, "he’s here. What happened? Did he miss a head count or something?" Buffy sighed. "God, Xan, am I that bad?" He felt a small pang for being flippant with her when he knew her stress level was through the roof. "You’ve got a lot on your mind. Don’t worry about us – we’re just having a manly man bonding evening. Consider it a well-earned break from the both of us." She sighed again, and then laughed, and Xander was glad to hear some genuine mirth in it. "Does that mean you’re drinking beer and watching ‘Baywatch’?" "Something like that. If he doesn’t make it out of the man-pit by dawn I’ll keep him here and deliver him to you tomorrow evening, OK?" he said. She paused, and for a moment Xander was afraid she was going to pry for a less flip answer. Instead, she said, "I miss you, Xander. I miss us – the Scoobies. Can we have! a movie night or something soon? Maybe just you and me and Dawn and Willow and Spike and maybe Giles – if I can get those two in the same room without bloodshed? I need Scooby-time." She sounded so sad that Xander was tempted to tell her that he’d be right there. Before he could speak, she said, "I gotta go – Dawn’s home and we’re going to try to do sister stuff. Don’t OD on testosterone, K?" And then she was gone.

Xander pressed the "off" button on the phone and tossed it onto the table. He looked up at Spike, who was frowning. He reached up and ran his finger along the vampire’s lips, which immediately curled into a smile. "Don’t worry about Buffy," he said, "she’s OK." Spike opened his mouth and licked at the tip of Xander’s finger. "I know. So, you’ll deliver me to her, huh?" Xander smiled. "If I have to. I guess that sort of broke the mood, didn’t it?" he said. In answer, Spike closed his lips on Xander’s finger and sucked it. Releasing it with a pop, he said, "Nope," and kissed Xander again.

*****

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