In The Mix: Track Six

Oh, this is a good song – Silverchair "Abuse Me". I put this one on here for Faith. She wrote me a letter from prison. She asked me to forgive her. You know what? I thought about it and realized I’d forgiven her long ago. I wasn’t even all that mad that she’d tried to kill me. I think what hurt the most was that my first time had to be so glaringly not special for her. Sort of killed the afterglow, if you know what I mean.

"Need to ask a question
Calling out my name
Nothing seems to bother
Wish I had a clue

Come on abuse me more, I like it

Well I don't think you like me
Well I hate you as well
No one seems to like you
Wish I couldn't tell

Come on abuse me more; I like it"

I wrote a letter back to Faith. It seemed like the right thing to do. I told her that I forgave her and that I didn’t hate her. I said I was sorry about the way that things turned out, and that I hoped she would believe that I had changed for the better, too. If she writes back, maybe I’ll try to get some information about visiting her. I know Angel goes to see her sometimes.

I feel better now that I’ve forgiven her. It was hard, holding a grudge for so long. I’m too good at that – I guess it’s one more thing to work on. Giles told Buffy once that you don’t forgive people because they need it, you forgive them because you need it. Hey – looks like I learned something from Giles after all.

"Abuse Me" – Silverchair


In The Mix: Track Seven

"Beautiful girl,
you must've been a beautiful baby too
Beautiful woman,
you must've had your moments inside the sun
Beautiful girl"

This is a pretty song; the acoustic guitar is nice. This is about Dawn. She is a beautiful girl, especially now that she’s finding her place and she’s not such a hormone-bomb anymore. God, she was a pain in the ass for a while there. I understand that she’s had to deal with a lot of shit in her short life, but all that screeching was hell on the vampire hearing.

I know Xander loves her. He’s singing along and he’s smiling that smile that he keeps especially for Dawn. I bet he wanted a sibling growing up. He hates to be alone, so a sister or brother would have made him happy. Course, with the way his parents are, I’m sure he’s glad to be an only – wouldn’t wish that shit on anyone. He would have gotten himself killed, protecting a sibling. He’d have never let someone else get hurt when he could take the shots instead.

That smile is something special. Open and happy. He smiles at everyone, but there’s always something under it. His smiles at Buffy and Willow are full of love, but there’s a lot of regret there, too. He doesn’t smile much at Giles any more – he’s pretty pissed about the Watcher setting me up with Wood. I’m pretty pissed about it, too. Not that I ever doubted that I could take the Principal down. He thinks he’s tough, but he’s got no idea. He thinks a few weapons and a couple of moves can defeat a Master Vampire, even one as screwed up as me? Daft bugger. He messes with me again and I will fuck him up. And I will enjoy it. I heard what Buffy said to him – that she’d let me kill him. Like I need permission.

He smiles at the potentials and Anya and that blond kid – Andrew – but they’re not real smiles – he doesn’t really see them. He smiles at me – when we’re arguing or goofing or whatever. Those are real smiles.

"Beautiful Girl" – Poe


In The Mix: Track Eight

I’m starting to smile as I hear the intro for this song. Spike just recognized it and he’s smiling, too. I admit – it’s a cop-out. I just couldn’t find a song that encompassed all of the things I feel about Giles right now, and I remembered Spike telling me the story about surprising him one night, playing his guitar and singing. Spike said he screamed like a woman.

"If I leave here tomorrow,
would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now.
'Cause there's too many places I've gotta see."

We’re both singing and laughing, and I think laughing is winning. It’s really a good song, but the mental image of Giles shrieking and nearly falling off the couch is killing me.

I just don’t know what to think about him right now. He’s been so different since he came back from England, and Buffy is so mad at him. She gives him the worst looks and she’s always telling him to go deal with the potentials, they still need a teacher, every time he tries to talk to her. It’s cold. I’m pretty pissed myself about him setting Spike up with Wood. Not that I ever harbored the illusion that Wood could ever get the better of Spike – even crazy, triggered Spike.

God, Spike is in hysterics over there. I’ve never seen him laugh so hard. Tears are streaming down his face. He’s beautiful when he smiles, but he’s spectacular when he laughs. He looks like a kid, and his eyes just sparkle. I’ve got it bad.

"Freebird" – Lynyrd Skynyrd


In The Mix: Track Nine

"Freebird" – damn that was funny! I thought he was going to wreck the car he was laughing so hard. I can still see the look on the Watcher’s face when I popped up and startled him, He screamed like a little girl. That was great.

Hey - Linkin Park – kid’s surprising me with his taste in music again. Not a Backstreet Boys song yet – I‘m impressed. He’s singing along again, and I’ll admit I’m doing a little staring. He looks happy – his hair’s kind of grown out and it’s blowing in the breeze. He’s squinting against the wind and driving faster than usual. Ever since I told him to go ahead and sing out he’s been doing just that. His voice is nice – not great. He doesn’t always hit all the notes. He sings like he dances – for himself, for the love of the music. Doesn’t really care how he looks or sounds, which is the right way to do it.

I’m flattered that he’s comfortable enough to reveal so much of himself to me. He probably didn’t intend to. He’s probably hoping like hell that I have no clue how much these songs mean to him. Too bad, because I’m really getting it. This one is all about him. "Somewhere I Belong" – that’s only what he’s been looking for the entire time I’ve known him.

"I want to heal
I want to feel
Like I'm close to something real
I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong"

I’m staring again. He’s going to turn his head any minute and catch me looking. I don’t care. He avoided me all week. He avoided everyone, I know because I checked with Buffy and Dawn and Willow. I’m sure they thought I was nuts. I don’t think they noticed ‘til I brought it up, stupid bints. For a moment, I though maybe he had a new girl and that’s where he was. Then I did a very reliable test – I smelled him. He just smelled like himself – nobody else, so if it is a girl, he hasn’t touched her at all. I’d know.

"Somewhere I Belong" – Linkin Park


In The Mix: Track Ten

"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that's true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go black
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there"

This song makes me want to fuck. There’s something about the music; it throbs, and it winds itself around me and makes me want to close my eyes and kiss someone deeply. It makes me want to feel lips on mine and a tongue in my mouth. It makes me want to feel hands on my skin and in my hair. The singer’s voice is languid and sweet – it’s like chocolate, melting in my mouth. This song makes my skin tingle the same way it does when someone’s hand is on me, sliding down my belly toward my cock, and I know that the next touch I feel will be the glide of smooth skin against velvet hardness, or fingertips dancing lightly over me, teasing and rubbing. This song is pure sex – the feel of sliding part of me into someone else’s body and connecting us in a primal way.

I had a dream about Spike. It wasn’t too long after the day that I lay with him and held him while he slept. In the dream I was still holding him, but he was strong and healthy again, not sick and thin. We were both asleep, and in the dream I awoke to feel his hand in my hair and his lips ghosting over mine. I tried to talk, but he shushed me and kissed me. It was the sweetest, softest kiss I’d ever been given. Then it got harder and more insistent. Then I was fully awake and kissing him back, clutching his shoulders and pulling him closer.

Then he was on top of me, and our clothes were gone in that magical way that only happens in dreams - where no zippers get stuck and no one is wearing ridiculous cartoon boxer shorts, and buttons just melt away. In the dream, he was touching me – it was so different; he touched me gently, but with such power that I knew he was being gentle for me, because of me. Then his hand was on my cock, and he touched it like I do – like he knew exactly what I needed and wanted before I did. My hand was on him, too – and somehow I knew exactly what to do.

In the dream we came together, and when I really woke up, there was a sticky mess inside my ridiculous cartoon boxer shorts. Right now, inside my very conservative black silk boxer shorts? Raging hard on. If he can smell me, he’s going to know that this song and every one after it on this CD is about him. Holy shit.

"Fade Into You" – Mazzy Star


In The Mix: Track Eleven

Holy shit. I can smell him. Arousal. Must be a seriously erotic memory attached to that last song. I know what his arousal smells like. Anya kept him half-horny most of the time when they first got together – it was hard to miss. And, I live with him. He’s a normal, young human male who hasn’t gotten any in a while – he wanks off. Hell, so do I. I’ve smelled it faintly in the apartment, and more strongly in the bathroom. I’ll admit it -–a couple of times I’ve used the shower after he’s gone to work and the smell is so strong that it’s made me hard and I’ve followed him down that path. I’ll also admit that it was him I was thinking of when I shot against the shower wall. I had a pretty powerful fantasy of him on his knees in that very shower, blowing me that … Christ, now I’ve got a hard on.

Oh, yeah – music. Matchbox twenty; pretty good band. I think the critics give them the shaft. Nothing wrong with being popular – the music is still good, and Rob Thomas has an interesting voice. I don’t think I know this song, though.

"Something is wrong
With the sum of us
That I can't seem to erase
How can I be
The only one
Without a smile on my face

Well now, you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of being alive
And I was wondering
Could I just be you tonight"

Fairly typical – always wanting to be someone else. Somebody really needs to convince him that being himself isn’t a bad thing. I can understand the insecurity – he’s the only normal one in a life full of Slayers, Watchers, witches and demons. He keeps giving me these sideways glances, like he’s nervous. Oh. Oh! I get it; this must be my turn – this song must be about me. If he wants to be me, he must be thinking about the old me. The new me isn’t so much fun. The old me? Pre-chip and pre-Buffy? He was fun – that son of a bitch had a great time. Hell, I want to be him again.

This soul thing is a major bitch. It’s fucking hard to change a mindset you’ve been in for a century. It’s even harder to not turn into Angel. I can see why he broods so damn much. Don’t get me wrong, I still think a lot of his angst is self-indulgent bullshit, but I understand him a little better now. That whole deal with Wood helped me a lot. I hate him, but he did help me work a few things out. The best part is getting rid of the trigger – I’m glad I’m not the First’s bitch anymore. I was really afraid I was going to hurt someone – Xan or Buffy or Dawn. Could have cheerfully eaten that Kennedy brat though. What a bitch.

"Could I Be You" – matchbox twenty


In The Mix: Track Twelve

Rush. I love ‘em. I know it’s kind of cheesy, but Getty Lee really has a great voice, and this song is just awesome. It’s got that longing vibe that’s exactly what I’m all about right now. I guess I’m just reacting to all of the bad stuff that’s been happening, and all that’s yet to come, but I just want so much all of a sudden. My whole life I’ve waited to see what came to me and made the best of that. But, now – I find myself longing for things and at the same time less afraid of going out and getting them. Am I growing up, or am I just reacting to the seventh or eighth apocalypse in as many years in a new way? Either way, this song is good.

"I don't believe in the stars or the planets
Or angels watching from above
But I believe there's a ghost of a chance
We can find someone to love and make it last."

Hey, Spike’s singing along with this. He’s hitting all the notes, too. Figures – he’s gorgeous, has a fantastic body, is totally cool and has a good voice. Some vampires get all the breaks. He would probably disagree with me on that, in light of recent events. Hell, he’d probably disagree with me if I said the sky was blue, just for the hell of it. He likes to argue. Not in a bitchy way, but just because it’s fun. We’ve had some great ones: Wheat Thins vs. Triscuits, Yamahas vs. Harleys, Baywatch vs. VIP, cheese puffs vs. cheese curls. He’s fun to argue with. He pushes me and makes me sharper and funnier. We play well off of each other. We had the whole gang falling apart laughing with the puffs/curls debate one night. It was like a well-rehearsed comedy routine, and we brought the house down. That was fun. The fun times have been few and far between lately.

I wonder if there is a ghost of a chance for Spike and me together. It’s pretty unlikely, if I’m being at all honest with myself. I’m a Scooby, he’s a vampire, and we’re both straight males, as far as I know anyway. I mean, I’ve read the books Giles thinks are hidden – I know vamps aren’t so particular about gender, but I’ve never known him to be with a guy. I don’t know if he’d even be interested. Well, I guess I’ll find out pretty soon. The next song is a dead giveaway. I wonder if I should skip over it. Would you look at that? My hand just shot out and hit the pause button.

"Ghost of A Chance" – Rush


In The Mix: Track Thirteen

Ghost of a chance, indeed. I should have figured from the songs – he’s interested in somebody. He probably wanted this time alone to work it out in his head. I wonder if it’s one of the potentials. They’re kind of young, but a few of them seem pretty savvy. I don’t think it’s Anya or Buffy again. Hey – what’s with the pause button? He’s glancing at me again, looks worried. I get it – the next song must make it pretty obvious. I guess he thinks if I hear it I’ll know who he’s thinking about. He’s probably worried I’m gonna give him a hard time. Well, I’m not. I’m just gonna listen to the damn song and figure it out and sit over here and quietly eat my heart out because it’s not me. How pathetic is that?

The wind is whipping, and the song’s still paused, and he’s glancing at me and back at the road, trying to make up his mind. The old Spike would just hit the damn play button and have done with it. I’m not him; I don’t really want to know who it is. Hell, let him decide. Huh, he hit play. I’ve got to give him credit for the ballsy move, even though I don’t know why it’s such a big deal if I know who he’s crushing on.

"People always take a step away
From what is true
That's why I like you around
I want you
Yeah you do you do you do you do you do you do you do
You make me want you
An open invitation to the dance
Happenstance set the vibe that we're in
No apology because my urge is genuine"

Well, it’s a good song; I like the lyrics. I’m still clueless, though, as to who he means. He’s not glancing at me anymore, and he’s not singing along. He’s staring straight ahead, and his jaw is clenched. Oh. I just heard what they’re singing in the background. "Send me all your vampires" and the song is called "I Want You". Oh.

"I Want You" – Third Eye Blind

In The Mix: Track Fourteen

OK, humiliated much? I saw his eyes go wide when he figured it out. I had to look away before I could see if he looked happy or sad or shocked or disgusted or what. I just can’t look at him. Fucking fuck. This last song is the clincher. What the hell was I thinking, putting this song on here? Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. He knows I want him – now he’ll know how much. I don’t think you can get more obvious than "I Would Be Your Slave". And with that thought, the return of the raging hard on.

"I don't sit and wait
I don't give a damn
I don't see the point at all
No footsteps in the sand

I bet you laugh out loud at me
A chance to strike me down
Give me peace of mind at last
Show me all you are
Open up your heart to me
I would be your slave"

Well, that’s it. Now he knows. I’m too afraid to even look at him. The song just ended, and I casually hit the button to switch over to the radio. He’s looking at the lights; LA’s really close. We’ll be at Angel’s soon. I wonder what happens next.

"I Would Be Your Slave" – David Bowie


In The Mix: Interlude

It’s late Saturday afternoon, and I just got up. We only stayed at Angel’s for an hour. I handed over the books, and Angel took Spike into his office for a while to talk. I sat in the lobby and stared at the wall until they came out. Then we left. We got in the car, and he popped the CD out of the player and put in the Eagles Greatest Hits of all things. We didn’t speak a word on the way home. We both sang along to the CD and I didn’t look at him at all. I just couldn’t. I basically just shut my mind off and drove and sang – it was all I could do. We even managed some decent harmony on "Seven Bridges Road" without looking at each other once. When we got home, he didn’t come up to the apartment. It was just after 2:30. He said, "See ya later," and he walked off around the corner, duster swirling. I leaned on the car and got a grip, and then I came up here and went to bed. He didn’t come home this morning.

It’ll be dark in an hour or so, I guess I’ll see if he comes home then or not. I don’t know what to think, so I think I’ll take a shower, then eat something, and then avoid thinking about it. Denial – it’s a valid coping strategy.


I wish the fucking sun would set. There are too many people in this house, and they are driving me mad. I slipped in just before dawn. Before that, I wandered around town, lightly touching the CD in my pocket and thinking about what happened.

Fucking Angel. Just when I think I’ve got that bastard figured out, he turns around and changes on me. When we got there last night he just thanked Xander quietly for the books and gestured for me to precede him into his office. He stepped in after me and when I turned around; he shook my hand and smiled at me. Now, that was disconcerting. Then he asked me how I was doing. I’m sure I looked like a right idiot with my mouth hanging open, and then I smiled back at him and started having an actual conversation with the ponce. Stupid soul.

After a couple of minutes of that, I wound up telling him the whole story about the CD and wanting Xander and everything. I could have cheerfully strangled myself. And then that son of a bitch - God, I hate him – gave me advice. Jesus fucking Christ on a raft. I really am turning into "Souly McSoul". Red doesn’t think I know about that, but I do, and I’m gonna get her for it, too. But not right now, because she helped me out and didn’t ask too many questions along the way. Then I had to call Angel and get him to help me out. Someday I’m going to tell Xander what lengths I went to for him, and he’d better fucking appreciate it. Now, if the sun would fucking set already, I could put this plan in motion.


I knew it. God hates me. It’s ten minutes past sunset, and Giles just called and told me I have to go back to LA. It seems that he needs the books I took to Angel’s, plus a few more that Angel has and it’s terribly important and blah, blah, blah. And the kicker? I have to take Spike with me again. Is there a cosmic measure of the shit I have to take in a lifetime, and someone just took a peek at it and decided I was a quart low? I lay in that bed all night and all day, and I maybe slept an hour. I feel like hell, I seriously think my heart may be broken – which is stupid – and I don’t want to face Spike. I don’t know what I’m gonna see on his face, but I think that if he felt the same way about me he would have told me last night. Key in the door – shit, he’s home.

He just walked in the door, and he’s standing there looking at me. "You look rough," he said. Oh, look – it’s Understatement Man. "I feel rough," I croak, and then get up to go get a shirt. "You can sleep on the way to LA, if you don’t mind me driving the new car," he offers, and I take him up on it. I throw him the keys and go to pull myself together.

When I get down to the car, he’s already got the top down and the engine running. I get in and buckle up, then tilt the seat back. I’m asleep before we hit the highway. I wake up to him shaking my shoulder and we’re parked at Angel’s. We go in, get the books and Spike and Angel disappear into the office for about five minutes. I wait. Spike comes back out, and he looks funny. He looks nervous. While they were gone, I found Cokes in the fridge and drank two. I’m ready to drive home. We walk out to the car silently, and Spike gives me the keys when I hold out my hand. As soon as we get on the highway, he pulls a CD out of his pocket and puts it in the player. It looks just like my mix from last night – I didn’t notice him taking it. It starts to play, and it is the same disk. I have no idea what this means, but I sing along anyway, and so does Spike.

In The Mix: Coda

So, that’s the end of "I Will Be Your Slave". Here’s the big moment. I had Willow put in a longer pause between his last song and the one I added. She’s a handy little thing – she was able to copy his CD and add a song pretty quick. I owe her – mainly for not asking, even though she was curious. If this has the desired effect, it will be worth everything, though. Worth taking advice from Angel, worth asking Red for help and being nice to her girlfriend, worth spending a day on that wretched cot in Buffy’s basement.


Hey, there’s another song on here. I didn’t put another song on this CD. It’s pretty though – nice piano music. Hey – this is John Hiatt again.

"When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby
Just have a little faith in me"

Oh. I don’t quite know what to do. What do you do when something you want so badly is right there in front of you, freely offered? He could have picked any song in the world – any "I wanna fuck you" or "let’s get it on" song, and he chose this. Since I have no idea what to do, and if I look at him I may embarrass myself or wreck the car, I think I’m just gonna do this one simple thing.

I’m going to reach out and take what’s offered. And then I did – I reached out and took his hand and held it, pulling him closer to me and resting our clasped hands on my thigh. His thumb started making little circular motions on the back of my hand, and I smiled into the wind.

"Have A Little Faith In Me" – John Hiatt


End

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