S eptember 27, 1984. A date which will live in infamy. For it was on this date that humanity's greatest accomplishment was created. It was on that day that the magnificent being known as "EDWIN KIM" was brought into this world. For years, scientists have argued over what strange and mysterious forces of nature could have combined to form this perfect organism, and his legend has only grown with time. Some believe he was created by the Soviets as a super weapon to dominate the water polo event in the Olympics, thereby humiliating the Americans into defeat. Others say the mighty Norse god Thor came down from Valhalla and struck his mighty hammer upon a computer, thereby granting Edwin the strength of a wrestler with the intelligence of a scholar. Still others claim he doesn't exist at all, but is merely a wise tale to keep small children from taking drugs. So, who really is this dashing man of mystery who roams the night fighting criminals in a striped red ASB costume and perscription-lens glasses? In this article we will hopefully try to sort the fact from the fiction, and provide an accurate account of how one man's quest for Purity led to his descent into madness, and the sheer strength of perseverance that allowed him to forge ahead and become the most influential legends in Earth's history! (cue theme song from Batman, only replace "Batman" with "Edwin")

      T his may come as a shock to some of you, but Edwin...is an alien! Well...an illegal alien anyways. On September 27, 1984, in the heart of the North Pole, Edwin was born. His father was a well-natured old fellow bearing a white beard, a red suit, and strong affinities towards breaking and entering (usually by way of the chimney). It's not that Edwin's father was a criminal per se, it's just that once a year, usually right before Jesus' birthday, he suddenly developed an urge to clear out his garage of all the crap he'd accumulated, and give them to stupid children around the world who would be gullible enough to play with them. And sometimes he'd really want to piss you off and give you something like a sweater or some crap, when all you really wanted was a Super Nintendo, and then he'd make your parents make you wear it, even though it had all these stupid reindeers on it, and all the kids in your class would laugh at you and call you names like Deer F***er!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!............. Anyways, back to Edwin. Little is known about his mother, except that there have been reported sightings of her around the Lochness area of Scotland.

      Edwin didn't have many friends growing up, so he would spend most of his time talking and playing with rocks and sticks and stuff. By the time he was six months old, he'd already mastered 4 languages, and had obtained a Ph.D. in Knowingstuffology from the University of 5 Miles West of the North Pole. Shortly after that he was captured by seal poachers. During the boat ride in the Arctic Ocean, the poachers found that they had accidentally mistaken baby Edwin for a seal, and promptly threw him overboard. Luckily, he was saved by a small band of mermaids (ugly ones), and he spent the next four years of his life living alongside them in their underground city of Mermaidland.

      It was during these fateful 4 years that he began to develop and hone his awesome water polo powers, eventually reaching the exalted mermaid rank of "mediocre." Edwin was just beginning to believe that he had finally found a home, when tragedy struck. During the celebration on his 4th birthday, killer dolphins attacked. Edwin fought them with all his might, punching as many as he could, but their blowholes and constant jabs to the groin area proved too much for him. He was finally forced to retreat and hide under a dead pile of damn, dirty mermaids, and watch as the evil dolphins destroyed his beautiful Mermaidland. They burned Mermaidland to the ground (yes, i realize Mermaidland was underwater, but the fires were really, REALLY hot), and as Edwin watched the event in horror, he vowed revenge. Damn, dirty revenge. Just then, through the thick smoke, dolphin leader appeared. The man that would eventually become Edwin's arch nemesis and lifelong rival: Dan Tran. Edwin vowed that he would get revenge against Dan one day. Damn, dirty Dan.

      While all this revenge-swearing was going on, powerful political forces were forming in Micronesia. The government had recently been overthrown by a fanatic cult calling themselves "Edwinhaters." Their prophecies foretold that the great Edwin Devil had been born, and they began shifting the country's military and economic forces towards searching out and destroying this evil Edwin Devil. This would lead to very bad things later on. Very............bad..........things........(cough)

      The next two years of Edwin's life are a blur The End.

      I f there's one thing Edwin hated more than damned, dirty apes, it's gypsies. They're nomads, really. With big gums.

      That was the last thought going through Edwin's mind as he lay there, in his underwear, on the bathroom floor, in a pool of his own vomit. How did he come to find himself in this predicament, you ask? Well, as with most people who find themselves swimming half-naked in their own barf, it all started at Disneyland. At least Edwin thought it was Disneyland, considering that he felt like he'd been posing for photographs with 6-foot-tall mice for what seemed like hours. Although, that was probably just the drugs talking.

      You see, when Edwin decided to buy the "special" brownies for an afternoon snack, being the sweet, naive savant that he was, he simply assumed the term "special" meant the brownies were retarded in some way, or physically disabled.

      Rule # 1 of handy tips Edwin has learned during his travels to exotic lands: Never buy $50 bricks of chocolate from a one-legged hobo calling himself "Tripod" in the alley behind a McDonald's in Korea. (Rule # 2: Do not wear pantaloons while engaging in Rule # 1.)

      Ah, Korea! That is where this story truly takes place, as Edwin's travels had finally brought him back to his native land. Yes, Korea. A country most famous for its "Made in Korea" stickers, and for its senior citizen tourism, as is evident by the countless 60+ year-old men who can be found today proudly proclaiming, "You think you have it tough? I was in Korea!!" Upon setting foot on the land of his ancestors, Edwin was suddenly struck both by feelings of nostalgia, and lightning. For no sooner had Edwin taken those symbolic first steps to mark his magnificent return, did the land appear to welcome him with its own symbolic gesture of "Go away."

      Edwin's mind began reeling from all the possible tourist locations and landmarks to explore during his visit to this magical land. He knew that, much like the Dakotas and the Olsen twins, Korea too was divided into a North and a South. Whereas South Dakota had Mount Rushmore, South Korea had...a mountain. Similarly, the cold, frostbitten climate of North Dakota was now replaced with the cold, frostbitten fascism of North Korea. Ah, where to go first! Edwin, of course, did what anyone possessing his infinite wisdom and maturity would do, which was to let fate decide his next course of action. Fate, in this instance, came in the form of a large, burly transvestite, who proceeded to mug Edwin using the blunt end of a 1992 volleyball trophy. As a result of this altercation, Edwin unfortunately lacked the proper funding to explore any part of Korea whatsoever. Deciding that his short stay in this wondrous locale had been ultimately rewarding spiritually, Edwin promptly got back on his boat, and sailed off into the horizon. Thus ended his journey in the great nation of Korea.

      Now, some of you may be wondering what exactly any of this had to do with Edwin eventually ending up lying on the floor of his bathroom wearing nothing but his boxers, his vomit, and a smile. Well, that is really another story involving aliens, corrupt billionaires bent on world domination, the mob, a cursed bottle of Vaseline, two witty yet morally empty hitmen, an ancient vampiric temple posing as a Mexican strip joint, neo-Nazi sodomy, the head of Alfredo Garcia, the people who really shot JFK, and some compromising photos of some Sesame Street characters. Not much to tell, really. I think you've read enough for one day, so I won't bore you with the sordid details of that yawn-fest.