INSECT SELF-DEFENSE JOKE:
What kind of guns do bees carry?
(BB guns)
FEDERAL EMPLOYMENT JOKE:
Harry: Is it true that the workers in the U.S. Mint have too much work to do?
Larry: Yes, and they're threatening to go on strike unless they make less money.
MEDICAL PROFESSION JOKE:
Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him that I can't see him.
HEALTH TIP JOKE:
What's the best way to prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
(Don't bite any.)
CITRUS FRUIT JOKE:
What's yellow and wears a mask?
(The Lone Lemon.)
RESTAURANT SAFETY JOKE:
Customer: Is the water you serve here healthy?
Waiter: Yes sir, we use only well water. (water from a well)
EYE CARE JOKE:
Sally: I went to the doctor because I was seeing spots in front of my eyes. He gave me glasses
Shiela: Did the glasses help?
Sally: They sure did. Now I can see the spots much better.
GROCERY STORE PREFERENCE JOKE:
Where does Superman buy his favorite food?
(At a supermarket.)
TYPEWRITER REPAIR JOKE:
Larry: I had to bring my typewriter in to be fixed.
Ricky: What was wrong with it?
Larry: The "O" was upside down.
PARROT TRAINING JOKE:
Larry received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. Larry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He tried everything he could think of, but the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Larry put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Worried that he may have hurt the bird, he quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Larry's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
Larry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, clearing his throat, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
FINANCIAL DEBT JOKE:
"There was a man here earlier to see you."
"Did he have a bill?"
"No, he had a regular nose."
FOOD WARNING JOKE:
What is small, purple, and dangerous?
(A grape with a machine gun.)
TRANSPORTATION JOKE:
Customer: Could you please call me a cab?
Clerk: OK... "You're a cab."
NEIGHBORHOOD CONFLICT RESOLUTION JOKE:
First Neighbor: Have you told that kid of yours not to go around the neighborhood imitating me?
Second Neighbor: Yes, I have. I told him not to act like an idiot.
HOME APPLIANCE SAVINGS JOKE:
"Believe me," the salesman said to the lady, "this sewing machine will pay for itself in no time."
"That's great," she replied. "When it does, send it to me."
AVIAN JOKE:
What is a hot and noisy duck ?
(A fire-quacker.)
COFFEE JOKE:
Jane: Do you feel like a cup of coffee ?
Harry: No... do I look like one?
REALTY JOKE:
Real Estate Agent: Here's a house without any flaws.
Customer: Then what do you walk on?
ANATOMICAL JOKE:
Harry: I wonder how long someone can live without a brain?
Joe: How old are you ?
SPACE PROGRAM JOKE:
Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet?
(The one with the biggest head.)
COMPASS JOKE:
What's long and yellow and always points north?
(A magnetic banana.)
INTRICATE PHOTOGRAPHIC DEVICE JOKE:
What do you get if you cross a camera and a mirror?
(A camera that takes pictures of itself.)
DARWINIAN EVOLUTION JOKE:
What do you get if you cross a lion and a parrot?
(I don't know, but if it wants a cracker, you'd better give it one.)
JOKE HEARD JOKE:
"Hey Larry, I heard this great joke."
"OK, let's hear it."
"What has four legs, a tail, and barks?"
"A dog???" (thinking to himself what a dumb joke)
"Oh, you've heard it already." (sounding disappointed)
PSYCHIATRIC CONSULTATION JOKE:
Patient: Lately I've had the feeling that everyone is trying to take advantage of me.
Psychiatrist: That's ridiculous. It's all in your imagination.
Patient: Thanks, doc. I feel a lot better now. How much do I owe you?
Pshchiatrist: How much have you got?
FINANCIAL PLANNING JOKE:
Did you hear about the umbrella salesman who save his money for a sunny day ?
ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENT JOKE:
What person can jump higher than a house?
(Anyone. A house can't jump.)
EMPLOYMENT JOKE:
Larry: What do you do for a living?
Harry: I'm a janitor.
Larry: Do you make a lot of money?
Harry: I'm cleaning up!
REFRIGERATION JOKE:
Sally opened her refrigerator and was surprised to find a rabbit inside.
"What are you doing in my refrigerator,"she said.
"Isn't this a Westinghouse?" the rabbit asks.
"Yes it is," Sally replied.
"Well I'm westing" said the rabbit
GEOGRAPHICAL JOKE:
Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the tallest mountain in the world?
(Mount Everest)
STUDENT EVALUATION JOKE:
Student #1: Great news... the professor said we were having a test today, rain or shine.
Student #2: What's so great about that?
Student #1: It's snowing !
ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN JOKE:
Sign in the window of a travel agency:
"PLEASE GO AWAY!!"
DOG WALKING JOKE:
A dog was tied to a 15 foot rope, but walked 25 feet in a straight line. How come?
(The rope wasn't tied to anything.)
ANIMAL BEHAVIOR JOKE:
A dog and his master went to the movies together and was shown to their seat by the theater usher. When the picture was over, the dog applauded loudly. As they were leaving the theater the usher says, "I see that your dog really enjoyed the movie."
"Very much," the dog's master replied.
"That's amazing!" the usher said.
"I think so, too... especially since he didn't care for the book too much."
FOREIGN LANGUAGE JOKE:
German Guy: Tell me, what's your phone number?
German Gal: 999-9999
German Guy: All right, then don't !
MOLECULAR FORMULA JOKE:
Teacher: What's the formula for water?
Student: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: That's not the formula I gave you.
Student: Well you said H to O.
ETIQUETTE JOKE:
Which hand should you use to stir tea?
(Neither... it's better to use a spoon.)
DEBT REPAYMENT JOKE:
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both reluctantly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's that $20 I owe you," he says.
AMBULATORY JOKE:
What goes 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump?
(A centipede with a wooden leg.)
MARINE LIFE JOKE:
Larry: I saw a man-eating shark at the aquarium.
Harry: That's nothing. I saw a man eating tuna in the restaurant.
COWHIDE USAGE JOKE:
What is the most important use for cowhide?
(To help keep the cow together.)
WOOL JOKE:
What do you call a sheep that is covered with chocolate?
(A Hershey "baaa")
METEOROLOGY JOKE:
What do some people do in China when it rains?
(They get wet.)
TRAVEL JOKE:
Why did the hippie go to the North Pole?
(To meet cool people.)
BEAN CONTAINER JOKE:
How many beans can you put into an empty bag?
(One. After that the bag isn't empty.)
ROCK JOKE:
What is big, and red, and eats rocks?
(A big red rock eater.)
I know... these jokes were really bad!! Sorry about that!
