The First Love
“Thanks for the dinner, Xiaowen,” said Meixian as she put her hand in Xiaowen’s. “It was lovely.”“But Mei,” Xiaowen protested. “It was just an ordinary hawker center.”
Meixian just smiled quietly as they walked on.
The dinner was a refreshing change. No crowds, no hustle and bustle, no big bills to settle. It didn’t quite matter to Meixian if it was Valentine’s. To her, everyday was Valentines. It was more than enough to have her beloved beside her.
A thought entered Meixian’s mind and she turned to Xiaowen.
“Wen,” she started. “I was just wondering… was there anyone before… you know, we got together?”
Xiaowen was somewhat surprised. Meixian already knew that she was his first girlfriend. Why would she ask such a question? Unless…
“You’re asking if there was a girl I had feelings for before we got together?” he clarified. “A strange question to ask.”
“Why?” Meixian squeezed his hand in feigned displeasure. “Anything wrong with that?”
Xiaowen slowed to a stop and turning to face her, looked straight in her eyes. “You really want to know?” he asked.
“Unless you don’t want to talk about it,” she replied softly.
With a smile, Xiaowen turned back to the path and continued walking.
“Come,” he relented. “I’ll tell you.”
Meixian drew near with full attentiveness. Somehow she knew a great story awaited her.
“There was this young lady,” Xiaowen began as his mind went back a few years. “I came to know her a few years back. Lovely little lady she is.”
“What’s she like?” Meixian found herself asking.
“Well, she is quite ordinary-looking. Shoulder-length hair, petite… She has the sweetest smile, and how her eyes sparkle when she smiles. She wasn’t one who impressed me at first glance, but something about her sparked a certain fondness for her…”
“Surely not her looks,” Meixian whispered. “I know you better than that.”
“No, not her looks,” Xiaowen replied. “Her character.”
Xiaowen wrinkled his brow as if trying to recall a long forgotten love. Then with a warm smile, he continued, “She has such a zeal for life, and such a gentle spirit. Very unassuming girl. So full of concern and love for others, and so willing to put herself forward to help them. So much so that they can’t help but respond with equal honesty and gratitude.
“But the one thing that impressed me most is her love for God. Few other girls I’ve known have displayed such commitment to His person and His word. It seems as if her life was governed by the two great commandments - Love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength; and love your neighbour as yourself.
“And so she earned my respect and admiration.”
“Wow…” Meixian marveled. “She must be one impressive lady to be able to impress you like that. You have such high standards.”
Xiaowen laughed.
“How long have you known her?” Meixian asked.
“Well, a few years now. Maybe two to four. I don’t quite remember,” he replied. “You sure are asking a lot of questions, aren’t you?”
“Ya…” Meixian replied sheepishly. “But one more question.”
“Shoot.”
“What happened in the end?”
A short silence fell between the two. Xiaowen looked away as if recalling something painful.
“Well,” he said finally. “I guess the story won’t be complete without that part, huh?”
Letting out a deep breath, Xiaowen continued the story.
“I guess you can see I really liked her a lot. But somehow, I just couldn’t allow myself those feelings I had for her; and it didn’t help being her close friend. Day by day I found myself getting more fond of her, and this really bugged me.”
“Why?” Meixian’s curiosity got the better of her.
“Simply because I wasn’t sure if she was the one, and I knew I wasn’t ready. But the climax came on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t ask her out, nor did I send her anything. Perhaps I didn’t dare for fear the feelings were not mutual, but more possibly because I didn’t want to do anything hastily and out of God’s will.
“My mind and heart were in conflict and it seemed to tear my heart to shreds. I trusted that God had a plan for my life, even my love life, and I knew that if he was willing, it could be that girl. The question was whether it was that girl or not.
“But the most agonizing part was when I was asked to put that knowledge into practice. It seemed as if God himself was asking me, ‘Xiaowen, are you willing to abandon this love if I told you to? Will you make your faith full by abandoning to me?’
“And how I struggled that night. My mind and will said one thing while my heart longed for another. I wanted to obey, but the images of her just kept appearing in my mind - her sweetness, her gentle spirit, everything. And I couldn’t drive them away.
“Finally I cried out, ‘Lord! I can’t do it! Please do it for me. I want to lay this love down. Nothing but You… nothing but You…’”
Xiaowen fell silent for a moment, and then composing himself, he continued.
“And then a strange peace filled my heart, and I knew I had made the right choice. I almost heard a voice reminding me, ‘My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in glory.’
“I had to go against my very self, but God gave me the grace; and I knew my life, even my love life, was in good hands.”
The couple stopped walking. They had arrived at Meixian’s doorstep.
“Wen,” Meixian asked softly as she turned the key. “Would you leave me if God asked you to?”
She turned to him and tried as best to give a brave expression. Xiaowen lifted his eyes to meet hers, and for an instant, Meixian thought she saw a flicker of pain as he opened his mouth to reply.
“I would.”
Meixian forced a smile as she stepped through her door. Then turning, she asked again, “Can you tell me who the girl is?”
“Maybe another time,” came the reply.
“Well,” sighed Meixian as she bid her beloved goodbye. “At least you know who your first love is.”
Then a strange peace filled Meixian’s heart and lifted her pained smile to one of trust, serenity and joy.
“Yes,” Xiaowen smiled in return. “I guess I do.”
This story is very real to me, and perhaps some of us Christians have been asked this question before, "Who is your first love?" Is it our first boyfriend or girlfriend, or is it the Lord Jesus?