This lady died. She had been quite the gregarious and amorous sort for many years...you get the picture. Whole lotta love. Whole lotta husbands, too. All her girlfriends came to the funeral. As they lowered her coffin into the grave, one of the girls sighed, "Finally they are together."
"What?", asked another lady, "which one of her husbands is she joining here?"
"Oh, I'm not talking about her husbands," explained the friend. "I'm talking about her legs."
Three guys were once discussing the perfect nickname for their dick.
The American, "I call mine the SOLDIER 'coz he stands up the minute I give an order."
The Brit, "I call mine the GENTLEMAN 'coz he stands up the minute a woman passes by."
The French, "I call mine GOSSIP 'coz he moves from one woman's mouth to another."
Height of Honesty
A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one & a half ticket.
#Height of Foolishness
A guy peeping through the keyhole of a glass door
Height of Revenge
A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contaceptive factory.
Height of Patriotism
Pooja Bedi recommending Khadi Bikini. Mahatma Gandhi recommending Khadi condoms.
Height of Loose motion
Tabbu sitting on a shit pot and singing: "Ruk Ruk Ruk, Aree Baba Ruk"
Height of Constipation
Sanjay Kapoor sitting on a shit pot and singing: "Aati Nahi...Samne hai magar voh aati nahi"
Height of Noise
Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof.
Height of Itch
A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocense
A teenager girl applying Clearsil to her nipples thinking them as pimples.
Height of Unemployment
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall. A topless lady standing near mount everest.
Height of Bravery:
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgustion:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology
Condom with zip.
Height of Penetration
A baby girl born pregnant.
Height of Darkness
A negro searching for his penis in a dark room.
Height of fashion
A female applying LipStick to her vertical Lips.
Height of patience
A female lying naked under a banana tree and hoping for banana to fall in her pussy.
A young man bought a new pair of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing and give them a try. After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."
"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"
"Blue", he replied.
"How did you know that?" she asked
"I saw the reflection in my shiney new boots", he said.
"Here she said dance with my sister and tell what color she has on", the lady said.
After dancing a few minutes the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs and started to dance again. After a few minutes he asks the lady "what color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."
To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."
With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good; for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor.
The doctor says this is amazing and is a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened.
To which the man replies "She choked."
A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!"
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!".
However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?".
"Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"
The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!"
With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG".
And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG".
And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG".
As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again.
"There," says the man to the crowd, "now would anyone else like to try this?"
A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard".
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"
The small white guy faints !!
The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy "What's wrong?".
The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".
The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown"
The small white guy says "Thank god, I thought you said "Turn around".
A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything...the full truth.
"Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you got it back with a big raise?"
He slowly nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"
He again weakly nods in understanding. Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me?"
Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time."
"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony, "You must tell me."
"Ok...but only because you insist, dear," she stammers.
"Remember the time when you were elected president of the golf club, but you were so sure you were going to lose by 23 votes?"
"Oh yes...I remember," winced the dying old man. SUDDENLY, he shot up in his bed and exclaimed, "DAMN...and I won by 45 votes!!"
In a mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the newspaper office and told them that he had found a 12 pound gold nugget, as pure as any in America. Naturally, the newspaper sent a reporter to the house to get the story, as anyone would do, and everyone was prospecting for gold in the little town.
This is what happened.
Reporter "Does Mr. Brown live here?
She "He does."
He "Is he in?"
She "No."
He "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds."
She (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
He "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
She "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
He "Is the hole very far from here?"
She "No, it is quite near."
He "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
She "No, only about ten months."
He "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
She "No, but he is very near."
He "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
She "Well, he thinks he was."
He "Has he been working the claim regularly since he found it?"
She "No, but I told him last night it was time to start again."
He "I suppose he works it secretly?"
She "Yes, mostly every night."
He "Do you help him?"
She "I do my best."
He "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
She "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure out of working it."
He "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerin?"
She "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
He "Has he widened the hole any?"
She "Yes, a little."
He "How big is the hole?"
She "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
He "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
She "Yes, he said he was going to white wash the shaft tonight."
He "Does he work alone at night?"
She "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
He "Is he an expert at it?"
She "Well, he does good work."
He "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
She "Certainly, why not."
(Then she brought out the 12 pound baby boy and...they carried the reporter to the hospital.)
A guy is having marital problems. He and his wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch."
The parrot says "with my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "you certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for!"
The parrot says "there's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him John Howard said this, the Roosters won, the Sea Eagles, the Pope did so and so.
Then one day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "come in and shut the door."
The guy says "what's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this but, the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says "he did????"
The parrot says "then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?!"
The parrot says "I don't know.I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft !"
King Krishna Deva Raya's wife had very nice boobs. His minister Thimmarasu had an eye on those twin assets. He was always dreaming about them, hence could not concentrate on his projects. Once Tenali RamaKrishna observed it and enquired him. Then Thimmarasu honestly explained him everything. He also told him that he would give anything to suck those beautiful breasts once.
Tenali asked him whether he would give Tenali huge amount of money if he helps to fulfil Thimmarasu's wish. Thimmarasu agreed.
After some days, when Krishna Deva Raya's wife was taking bath, Tenali puts a special solution into her bra. This causes terrible itching to Krishna Deva Raya's wife. KDR consulted all Doctors but without any fruitful result. Finally Tenali Rama Krishna tells KDR that Thimmarasu has magic power in his saliva and if he applies them to Queen himself the disease will be cured. Without seeing any other alternative, KDR agrees. Thimmarasu enters Queen's room and returns completely satisfied.
Tenali asks Thimmarasu about his due money. But Thimmarasu pushes him off by telling that he did no great job. Tenali decides to teach him a lesson.
Now the Question: What did Tenali Rama do?
Answer: He poured the same solution into KDR's underwear.
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?"
She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."
She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
A romantic couple was parked on a romantic place overlooking the city. They went to the back seat and started doing it.
"Put your finger in me, honey" begged the girl.
"Now put two fingers in me. Oh, yes. Put your hand in me. Good. Now put both your hands in."
The man followed her instruction and put both hands in.
"Clap your hand, honey" wispered the girl.
"I can't," said the man trying.
"See I told you it's still tight"
An old lady went to the plastic surgeon's office to have another operation to get rid of her wrinkle on her face.
"You have undergone plastic surgery many times already. It is very dangerous to have another one" warned the doctor.
"That's O.K., doc. I'll take full responsibility. Just remove this wrinkle on my face," begged the old lady. The doctor finally gave up and gave her another plastic surgery. When it is over, she looked in the mirror and said, "That's funny. I dont remember having a mole on my neck."
"That is not a mole. You have had too many surgeries that I have to pull a lot of your skin up. If you keep having surgery, you will start shaving!"
A man entered a cafe and ordered a cup of coffee. The waitress brought him the coffee and the man noticed that her thumb was in the coffee. Didn't mind though and thought nothing of it. He then ordered a bowl of soup and when she brought it her thumb was again stuck in it. He then asked her why she put her thumb into the coffee and soup. She replied that she had rheumatism and to relieve the pain she needs to keep in some place warm. He jokingly replied that in the future she should stick it up her ass. She replied that she did when she wasn't serving food.
A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look there is still milk on your face!".
"It isn't milk", she answers.
Two kids were fighting trying to convince whose grandfather was taller. First kid says "My grandpa was so tall that one day he stood, raised his arm and plucked two coconuts"
The second kid replies "Hey, but that killed my grandfather"
A husband comes home from work and the first thing he notices is how much larger his wife's breasts have become. "Wow, where'd you get those?"
She explains she bought a mirror at the Flea Market and hung in on the bathroom door. She looked into it and said, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my boobs size forty-four," and WHAM, it happened!
Her husband ran into the bathroom, looked into the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor," and WHAM, his legs fell off!"
A woman was giving birth to a baby, and the mid-wife was standing there ready for when the baby came out. The baby pops his head out, looks at the mid-wife and says "Are you my daddy?".
The mid-wife says "No, I'm not your daddy" and the baby pulls his head back inside. The mid-wife calls the doctor over to see what's going on. The baby pops his head out, looks at the doctor and says "Are you my daddy?"
"No, I'm not your daddy" says the doctor, and the baby pulls his head back in again. The doctor calls the father over to have a look.
The father puts his head down, the baby pops his out and says "Are you my daddy?"
"Yes" says the father, "I'm your dady".
The baby knocks his fist against the father's forehead "Fuckin' hurts, doesn't it?"
There was a lovely young lady who thought it was so unselfish of Santa to give gifts to everyone and not get anything in return. So she decided to stay up and wait for Santa to give him something for being so generous and sweet to everyone.
Santa slid down the chimney and there she was, dressed in a filmy negligee. She said, "Santa, I want to give you something nice for being so good."
Santa said, "Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta go! Got to deliver toys in the snow!"
Whereupon the young lady dropped the shoulder strap of her negligee and said, "Come on, Santa. Spend a few minutes here."
Santa replied, "Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta go! Got to deliver toys in the snow!"
The lady then dropped the other shoulder strap and said, "Please stay a few minutes, Santa."
Santa replied, "Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta go! Got to deliver toys in the snow!"
The young lady then let the whole negligee drop to the floor. "Come on, Santa. You deserve it!"
Santa replied, "Hey, Hey, Hey! Might as well stay! Can't get up the chimney this-a-way!
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
There was a Nun who has to take the same bus journey every day, and every day at a certain stop, a punk got on the bus and started to hassle the nun for sex. And everyday the bus driver would have to throw the punk off the bus.
One day, as the driver was throwing the punk off the bus, he said to him "look, if you really want to have sex with this nun, I know for a fact that she goes to St. Clare's church at midnight to pray.
"Thanks" replied the punk. That night, the punk hid in the church and waited for the Nun. Sure enough, at midnight, the Nun came wandering in. The punk used some priests robes that he had stolen from the church and, disguising himself as priest said to the Nun "My child, I want you to have sex with me."
"Well...OK" replied the nun, "But it's the wrong time of the month so you will have to take me from behind."
"No Problem" replied the punk, and proceeded to shag the nun. When he had finished he took of his robes and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the Punk!"
Upon which the nun removed her robe and shouted "Ah-ha! I'm the bus driver!"
A woman goes to have a hysterectomy and is worried about the pain and asks "Doctor, is this going to hurt?"
The doctor responds "It may, but we can numb your vagina."
The woman agrees. So, at the operating table, the woman says "Ok, doc, numb my vagina."
The doctor spreads her legs, goes down on her and bellows "Num, Num, Num, Num!"
An insect repellent salesman tried to sell his product to a farmer. He said he wasn't interested because he hadn't seen any bugs or insects on his farm for years. The salesman indicated he had a wife and four kids and really needed the money. The farmer still didn't think he needed any insect repellent but he felt sorry for the salesman and said, "I'm so sure there aren't any insects around here, if you'll strip naked, I'll tie you to my barnyard fence for the entire night. When morning comes, if you've got even one insect bite on you, I'll buy every can of repellent you've got."
The salesman was elated and readily agreed to being tied up naked. That night, the farmer tied the naked salesman to the barnyard fence and went to bed.
Several times during the night he thought he heard the salesman moaning and groaning. However, when he went out the next morning, the salesman didn't have even one bite or scratch on him. The farmer asked, "What was all that moaning and groaning about last night?"
"That was the worst night of my life," the salesman replied, "doesn't that damn calf have a mother?"
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile."
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
One late evening in a ladies hostel, there was a Power failure due to the transformer burning out. Unfortunately most of the girls had an exam next morning.
So the girls telephoned the Electricity Board and complained: "Lights are off!!! Send men quickly!!"
The Electricity complaint Officer replied: "Men not available, USE CANDLES."
While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused. "What do you call it?"
"Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist replied.
The owner told the musician to play another piece, which was equally beautiful. When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody."
"Look, I love your music," the owner said, "but I'll hire you only if you keep your song titles to yourself."
The pianist agreed and began to work that night. After his first set, he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer stopped him. "Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it!!!"
There was this contruction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building... He needed a hand saw but was lazy to go down and get it him self.
So he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and move his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started shaking his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw".
The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that 'I am coming...'".
A group of Sisters from a local convent were out for their Sunday bicycle ride through the suburbs. They were quite a sight: seven in a row on one of those seven-seater tandem bicycles, headed, of course by the Mother Superior. They went over a speed bump. In unison, they all let out an excited "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and looked at them sternly. She admonished the nuns, "Sisters! You must quiet down...."
They went over another bump. Again, they sighed "Ooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and warned, "Sisters, please! You're making a spectacle out of us!"
And another bump... "Oooooo!"
The Mother Superior turned around and gruffly threatened, "Sisters, this is your last warning. One more 'Oooo' out of any of you and we're going to have to put the seats back on."
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
There was a lady, after a rough divorce, who was looking for a purely sexual relationship. In order to find someone to fill this position, she places a classified ad in a local paper advertising her needs. Later, she is talking on the phone to a friend about how poor the response when the doorbell rings. She gets off the phone and goes to answer the door. To her dismay, there is no one there.
"Down here" she hears. She looks down to see a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on her doorstep. "How can I help you?"
"I'm here about your ad"
"But you have no arms and no legs, how can you help?"
"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
There was a couple that checked in a motel and asked for the honey moon suite. The manager gave them the best room in motel. Just as the sun set, the groom was leaving the lobby with all of his fishing tackle. He didn't return until the next morning. The manager thought that this was quite strange, but he thought that it was just first night jitters. The second night, the groom was leaving as the sun set with all of his tackle again, and didn't return until sunrise. The manager thought this was quite strange, seeing that it was their honeymoon, and decided that if he saw the groom going fishing that night again, that he would have a talk with him. Well, as the sun was going down, the groom was going through the lobby with all of his fishing tackle again, and the manager stopped to talk with him.
"Sir, excuse me, I don't want to seem rude, but I was curious" The groom was a little hesitant, but stopped for the manager. "Yes, what is it".
"I've noticed that you checked into the honeymoon suite, but you have gone fishing every night that you and your bride have been here, may I ask why?"
Well, the groom was taken back abit, but said "My wife has syphilis."
The manager felt bad for asking, but said "You know, there is allways oral sex."
The groom replied "My wife just got a tooth pulled, and we can't do that either".
The manager was feeling like shit now, but had to try to solve this guys problem. "Sir, you know there is always anal sex".
The groom looked at the manager and started to cry. "My wife also has the shits right now."
The manager had had enough. "Sir, I hate to be rude, but if your wife has all these problems, why did you marry her?"
To that the groom responded "My wife also has a tape worm, and it's the best damn bass bait I've had in along time."
Fresh off of the Associated Press Wire...
AP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton's firm denial:
"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.
"This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way I know how: head on.
"I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.
"Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
These three women were sitting around one night talking about there boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types of soda.
The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"
The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"
The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."
The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."
The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"
A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb."
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.
The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied, "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
A guy runs into this girl at a bar. After a few drinks and a little dancing, they decide that they're going to end up spending the night together. In the car on the way back to his house, she looks at him guiltily and says, "I have a confession to make. This bra that I'm wearing," she continues, "well, its padded."
He quickly responds, "that's okay, it doesn't matter."
"Its really padded," she adds. "I'm flat as a baby," she explains, "there's, like, nothing there."
"I guess thats okay," he follows, "I have a confession to make as well."
After a moment, he continues, "I'm, sorta, well, hung like a baby."
She ponders a moment and agrees that it really doesn't matter, and that they're both going to have fun anyway.
When they arrive at his house, they go into the bedroom and begin undressing.
Sure enough, she removes her bra and she's so flat that you can see her ribs.
He smiles at her, takes his pants off, and his damn member hits the floor!
"What!" she exclaims, "I thought that you said you were hung like a baby!"
"I am," he replied, "8 pounds, 24 inches!"
Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the door to the mens locker room blew open, exposing a man wearing nothing but a towel over his head.
"Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking.
"He isn't mine, either," said the second.
After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!"
This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money".
There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"
She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes.
After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks."
In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose."
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
The bridgegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon suite. They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young girl began to tremble.
"What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.
She was now shivering all over. "I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance," she said.
The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up the hotel phone and called the bell captain for help.
Four bellboys came rushing into the room.
"Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them. To the other two, he directed, "Grab her legs and hold her tight!"
He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his member into her, and then shouted to the straining bellboys, "Okay, fellas, let her go now!!!"
A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.
"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?
So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
And then how about the aged couple (mid to late 60's) that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida.
As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things, (they're both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses.
"Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home."
Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis." to which she agrees.
Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response.
Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and he replies, "Oh, infrequently" and she says, "Harold, was that one or two words?"
This young stud was at his favorite singles bar one night, looking over the current crop of women, when he spotted, down at the end of the bar, an absolutely ravishing older woman of about 50 or so. He was used to scoring with much younger girls, but he figured, what the hell.
He went over and used one of his best pick-up lines; the woman was VERY receptive!! So, soon they are back at her hotel room, doing the wild thing, and as he takes one of her tits in his mouth and sucks on it, he is rewarded with a mouthful of a warm sticky fluid.
"Hey," he said, "aren't you a little old to be lactating?"
"Yes," she said, "But not too old for breast cancer!"
This elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold apartment when the husband said, "Doris, we are in bad shape. Inflation has completely eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no money left for food."
"Well, just what can we do??" she asked.
"Well, gosh," he said. "I just hate to see you do this but it's the only way. You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me??" she said. "At my ripe old age of seventy-five?"
"Yes, it's the only way," he answered. "I can't do anything myself, why with my debilitating arthrithis and everything."
Resigned to the situation, the wife hobbled out with her walking cane into the warm night.
She came staggering in the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said. "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents?" he said. "Heck, who gave you ten cents to have sex with him?!?"
"Everybody," she replied.
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed ass.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks for something special. The madam tells to go to the first room and Hurricane Hessie will be right with him. So he's on the bed, ready, willing and able, when the door bursts open with a rush of air and a huge women rumbles into the room.
"What was that?!" he screams into the wind.
"That's the tropical wind in the tropical storm" she answers. Next, she gets on top and proceeds to beat his head with her huge boobs.
"What are you doing?!" he yells.
"Those are the tropical coconuts falling off the tropical trees in the tropical storm." she replies. Then she stands over him, lifts a leg, and pisses all over the guy.
"Why the hell did you do that?!?!" he screams.
"That's the tropical rain from the tropical storm" she replies. Now the man gets up and starts to put his clothes on.
"Why are you leaving?" Hurricane Hessie asks.
To which he says, "Who can fuck in weather like this?"
A midget goes to a whorehouse. None of the girls really want to go to bed with him, so they finally draw lots and Mishell was the unlucky one who had to go upstairs to the bedroom with the midget.
A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged up the stairs and into the midget's bedroom. Mishell laid on the floor in a fainted swoon. Standing next to the bed was the midget, naked, with a three foot erect cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.
The girls were baffled and awestruck by the sight. One of them finally regained her composure and asked him, "Say, would you mind if we felt that big piece you're carrying? We've never seen anything like that before."
"Okay, honey," sighed the midget, "But touch ONLY. Absolutely no sucking. I used to be six feet tall."
A dear old lady was staying in a hotel in a small country town and could not get to sleep because of the noise emanating from a party on the ground floor. At first, she bore it stoically. But at about 2 A.M., when the screams and screeches were louder than ever, she phoned the front desk to ask what was going on.
"Oh, they're holding a Policemen's Ball" replied the clerk.
"Well," said the old lady, "isn't it about time they let go?"
A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old twin sisters."
The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."
The priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"
The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"
A little boy was sitting on the curb crying and an old man who was passing by came over to him.
"What's the matter, little boy?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"
The little boy said, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys do."
The old man sat down on the curb and cried too.
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."
The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day.
If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away."
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.
"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
A man walks into a whorehouse and hands the madam a roll of bills, telling her, "Give me the worst you've got."
"Sir," the madam replied, "For this much, you can have the very best!"
"Lady," said the man, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female {FRESHMAN} raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"
"That't correct", responded the prof., going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girls face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertantly said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic...
Totally stright-faced he answered her question. He stated "It doesn't taste sweet, because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue".