"At Heathrow Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction."

      10. Small mustache result of practical joke by drunken fraternity buddies
      9. Hitler is captured after being recognized from deck of "Nazi Most Wanted" playing cards
      8. He trademarked the word "Hitler-riffic"
      7. Hitler tries to use his newfound powers to help Morpheus destroy the Matrix
      6. Evil manifests itself in young Hitler after he is voted off "German Idol"
      5. Hitler replaced by guest-Fuhrers during bout with Shingles
      4. Favorite food? Fish sticks
      3. Hitler furiously stocking bunker with delicious chocolate Yoo-Hoo
      2. Scene where CBS fires executive who decided to make a Hitler movie
      1. Middle name: Dwayne
Posted 05/23/03, 2:35 a.m.

    It seems Democrats are going to need to get together and decide how to attack Bush more uniformly. Delivering the commencement speech at Tougaloo College in Mississippi, Bill Clinton said that President Bush is spending too much time fighting the war on terrorism than on domestic issues. Meanwhile, stumping on the campaign, Dim-ocratic presidential candidates in Iowa said that Bush was not spending enough time on the war on terrorism. (Courtesy OpinionJournal.com)
Posted 05/23/03, 2:35 a.m.

    I had Ruben (205 in the house!) as my horse in "American Idol" from the start, but last night during the final performances before the final vote, I changed my mind and decided Clay should win. Not only can he sing, but he seems to have this nerd chic that drives the crowd wild.
      But Ruben just won, and I'm not saddened a bit. He's cuddly and marketable, so he'll do well. And Simon said that both have been signed and will have albums released the same week, so Ruben and Clay will compete in the marketplace, and I promise they'll top the charts.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:55 p.m.

    Day five of the Atkins Diet, and still no cheating! I'm staying under 20g easily every day, in part because I'm finding variety, and especially snacks. I'll be eating a lot of sugar free Jell-O gelatin.
      Dieters are exceedingly fleeced at the grocery store. Atkins products are twice what they should be, from Advantage protein bars to baking mix, and even regular low-fat dieters face paying twice as much for less product.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    I'm telling you, my next Mind of a Single Man essay will explore how Hayley of "Mr. Personality" picked 90% of the cutest guys in the first cut, dissing the 'normal' ones, and then ends up with the millionaire at the end. So many Ph.D. thesis could be written well about it; I'll write about it from the public school B.A. level!
      Still, I'm glad Will won out, although his emotional throwing out the ‘I love you’ was disturbing. Problem is, with Chris’ mind-control mumbo-jumbo, Will was the lesser of two evils. It had to be the show’s idea for both suitors to propose when making their last desperate plea.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    During this, a record Spring in terms of rain, I would like to sing the praises of one of the top ten inventions of all time, Rain-X, which makes my windshield impenetrable in driving storms! I am Super-Wet-Driver, able to drive through rain without using my wipers!
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    If Democrats really think tax cuts are harmful to the economy, then I look forward to the first one that steps up and announces plans to raise taxes.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    How come my universal remote doesn't turn everyone's TV to what I'm watching? I should be a one-man Nielsen rating behemoth! Everyone will bask in "Nashville Star," watch the Braves and Red Sox almost every night, and of course Headline News would top Fox News Channel in the cable news wars. For a price - say, $10K, I might be persuaded to watch a program I'd otherwise avoid, such as all of the WB's lineup other than "Angel."
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    The folks at National Review were discussing "Star Trek," namely that you knew ratings for "Enterprise" were dipping when they put out an episode where sexy Vulcan T'Pol is lathered in oil and begging for sex with few clothes on.
      I would argue that we'll really know ratings have dipped - or the writers run out of ideas - when they have a time-travel episode where another "Star Trek" character from a previous show makes a cameo.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    I can't even begin to tell you how much I detest those new AppleMusic.com ads where folks sing accapella to songs in their headphones. While I'm at it, I can't believe that during "The Simpsons" in the 8 o'clock family hour, one of the ads played a guy singing to Sir Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back," belting out such fine family lyrics as "I like big butts." I wonder how many parents will sue Fox because they twisted a knee turning so quickly for the remote to change the channel?
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    Sigh. "Les Miserables" ended its run on Broadway on Sunday as the second-longest-running show after the uber-strange "Cats." "Les Mis" is my favorite musical, I can sing almost any song from the soundtrack and I wish I could name my first daughter Eponine after my favorite character. I'm disappointed I could never see it on Broadway, just as I hankered to see it when visiting London a few years back. I just found out the traveling production is coming to Atlanta this August, but I'll bet that it's already sold out. Let's hope not!
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    Life is good on the sports front and I'm a dope. I was crying to the heavens when the Braves started the season 4-8, forgetting that just about every year they do the same and still win the division. This has gone on for a dozen years, so I should have the drill down pat by now. After that start, Atlanta went on to win 27 of their next 32 games and have the best record in the majors. Up in Boston, the Red Sox are tied with the Yankees for first in the AL East, but the worries are to come later. Unlike the Braves, Boston starts hot every year and cools off in August, the last five years finishing second to the dang Yankees.

UPDATE: The Red Sox just lost and the Braves are down 9-3 in Cincinnati. All hope is lost.
Posted 05/21/03, 9:05 p.m.

    I find myself singing Jo Dee Messina's new song, "Was That My Life?" frequently, yet fighting with it every single time. In the chorus, she sings, "We get just one ride around the sun." Baloney! You don't have to be Galileo to know that's junk science. We get dozens of trips around that golden orb; 60, 70, 80, hopefully 100! If we can’t rely on musicians to provide meaningful education, how will our children learn?
Posted 05/19/03, 3:55 a.m.

    I predicted that Matrix Reloaded would make some $130 million this weekend. I was under by about $5 million. Still, the filmmakers may have hurt some of the clout by releasing it on Thursday (with Wednesday night premiers, as I saw it). Because of the $40 million-plus it made on the opening day, the weekend gross was only about $93 million as the mega-fans went as soon as possible. As a result, Spider-Man retains the title of biggest opening weekend with $115 million last May.
      Another concern I have is with the Washington Post’s description of the movie: "…highly anticipated sci-fi thriller starring Keanu Reeves as a balletic freedom fighter." Uh, "balletic"? My spell check doesn’t even recognize the word, as even Microsoft would describe that description as "wussy." Whoa, dude, Keanu kicks a** supernaturally in black flowing robes, not in a tutu.
Posted 05/19/03, 1:50 a.m.

    Day two of the Atkins Diet. I think I'll be able to swing it for awhile, relying on finding alternatives to eating meat all the time. Besides, after only two days, my apartment smells like meat. Awkward. Plus, if I tire of cooking too much (as a bachelor, I much prefer being lazy), I can make a trip to any fast food joint and find sandwiches and salads to convert into low-carb friendly meals (i.e., take off bun and croutons).
      As for my early failing forecast, I can take heed from the Atkins Center web site: "Since your body stores enough carbohydrate reserve to fuel it for approximately 48 hours, it will take that long for the process to start. You may feel hungry and out of sorts for the first two to three days. Be patient and persist."
      The site also says to expect to feel fatigued, with possible sore muscles and unusual bowel cycles. Well, I refuse to discuss my bathroom habits, but I have felt tired, although it may be that I only got nine hours of sleep the last two nights. My legs have been sore, too, but most likely due to work, running back and forth the 500 meters between the control room and the studio to adjust camera shots (there aren't any lowly production assistants on the weekends to abuse with such menial jobs, and we normally use a studio that's 20 feet away, but not today because of engineering work).
Posted 05/19/03, 1:38 a.m.

    Day one of the Atkins Diet. Seems half my family is on it right now, and I know it’s worked for me and my Dad before, I so I decided to give it a shot. I lost quite a bit a few years back on the old-fashioned Eat Right And Exercise diet, but with my back hurting I haven’t exercised as much and trips to fast food became routine. Therefore, my weight ballooned back up.
      Sure, I know what you're thinking, "Jeff, you're a studly man's man, why worry?" Well, even us Handsome Men need self-improvement once in a while.
      The real challenge for me on this diet is finding variety. The aftertaste of meat doesn’t square with me very well, so I need something else to keep me motivated. Green vegetables are fine, so I’m sure I’ll end up with a lot of spinach and green beans with every meal, plus caesar salads once a day. I just really, really crave carbohydrates, whether in a popsicle or potato chips.
      Does is sound as if I’m dooming myself from the beginning ? Yeah, I worry that it is so. My appetite may be better suited to sticking to eating right and exercising. Quick and easy sounds good until you have to digest the food that goes with it.
Posted 05/18/03, 1:30 a.m.

    I wonder what the over/under is on how many mass graves have to be discovered in Iraq before the left admits the ouster of Saddam was a good thing? My guess is it doesn't even matter, because for the antiwar freaks, they'll never accept that "idiot" George W. Bush is the one who made the decision to end the rule of the Butcher of Baghdad.
Posted 05/17/03, 12:32 a.m.

    This week's best Vents from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
    - Coude the people who sendd me SPåM pleese use spelt checker firts?
    - I think we need to give all Republicans a tax cut and raise taxes for all Democrats and then see which side has stronger convictions.
    - I got somebody's goat once. I was pretty proud, but then I thought, what am I going to do with a goat?
    - Liberals are against profiling people of Middle Eastern descent who might pose a security risk. Yet, their beloved Berkeley University bans students from China (because of SARS concerns).
    - In Georgia, we pay no attention to the calendar. Summer officially begins when the kudzu greens up and starts growing at 3 feet an hour.
    - As a Vietnam vet, I can only fantasize what the longest war in our history would have been like if Bush had been president.
    - My grandson, the TV junkie, thinks the first person who went to the moon was Alice Cramden.
    - It is time to create Weather Channel Two for folks who just want to know what the weather's going to be. The first one has gone documentary crazy. You can grow old and gray trying to get a local forecast.
    - Sign seen at a Gainesville business: "We are open, sorry for the inconvenience."
Posted 05/15/03, 8:35 p.m.

    It's time for more Trailer Park, with some doozies in front of The Matrix last night!:

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: Arnold is back, but we're not sure if he's good or bad, but the real star is the babe-alicious unkillable terminator from the future. This one will be huge, and I'm there.

Freddy vs. Jason: Yup, this pits the horror kings of the 80s against one another, with many young adults in the way, safe neither awake nor asleep. I've never seen the Friday the 13th movies, and barely saw a couple of Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, but I may actually see this out of curiosity.

Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde: Hmm, it comes out July 2, same date as T3. Wonder which I'll see? Yeah, right. I love ya, Reese, but for the Independence Day weekend, I want a big blow-em-up wonderkind.
Posted 05/15/03, 3:03 p.m.

    A U. of Georgia law professor is protesting school's graduation because the speaker is Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who, as usual, is hated for not towing the liberal black line of thinking. But why all the hubbub? Didn't we learn from the Dixie Chicks fiasco that we should be forced to listen to those with whom we disagree politically?
Posted 05/15/03, 3:03 p.m.

    I forget, is this the week where Bush is controlled by his cabal of sinister oil barons, neo-conservatives, Jews or fundamentalist Christians?
Posted 05/14/03, 11:20 a.m.

    A quick "reality TV" update:

Survivor Amazon: I didn't care either way if Matthew or Jenna won, but Jenna's adorable so I'll focus on that. I pulled for Matthew because he got to the end on his athleticism and even though he seemed naive to the alliances, I think he knew what was happening every week. In the finale, I was disappointed that Christy asked her question based on the assumption that she was a victim for being deaf throughout the show, and assuming that the others were intolerant of her. It figures that Rob, though, "the smartest player to never win," would ask the finalists questions pitting them against one another.

Mr. Personality: Sure, Hayley's cute and all, but she seems to wear a fake smile and hides her true thoughts. The finalists were a given based on screen time, Millionaire Will and Motivational Speaker/Master Manipulist Chris. One more week, thank goodness, and the creepiness will end, and I can crawl out of the hole I've been hiding in to join the real world.

American Idol: Looks like Clay and Ruben will the final two, but I wouldn't mind if Kimberly made it, either. Ruben is clearly the most marketable as the Velvet Teddybear, although Clay seems to have touched a soft spot for chicks who dig nerd chic, especially when he sings as if touched by the gods on Olympus.
Posted 05/14/03, 11:20 a.m.

    Between battles in the War on Terrorism, Happy Fun Pundit decides to unload some complaints on more important subjects, namely the Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek. Warning: It could lead you to reverse the polarity on your beverage, causing you to spit your drink on the keyboard.
Posted 05/13/03, 12:35 a.m.

    I’ve heard the left bitch and moan about not finding millions of caches of WMDs yet in Iraq, and it gives me pause. Let me get this straight. Some of you believe that Saddam used chemical weapons on his own people, disposed of them the last few years then just forgot to tell us?
Posted 05/13/03, 12:35 a.m.

    Lileks, of course:

"Sometimes I think the reason America is so despised in some quarters is that we fail to live up to other peoples’ worst expectations."
Posted 05/12/03, 12:30 a.m.

    (rant)I sympathize with those who are in situations not of their control, whether medically or in relationships. But the majority of people "feel" too much. We're being taught that you can't handle your situation; you must have a guide through all situations. As Phoebe's boyfriend on "Friends" said, everyone whines, "Define me!" The same people who think religion is a crutch will spend $200 an hour on therapy. (/rant)
Posted 05/12/03, 12:24 a.m.

    A horse is a horse, of course, and no one can talk to a horse, of course, unless the horse is a life-saving hero. Patches is always on a stead course!
Posted 05/12/03, 12:05 a.m.

    Behold the authority of the Post-It Note and the power of suggestion within. In the nearest break room restroom there is a yellow sticky note on the stall that reads, "Out of Order. Thank You." Hmmm, what could be wrong? I don't know, because I dare not venture to look inside the door, for fear of seeing the repulsive Turd Burgler refusing to be sucked into his watery grave. And that polite "Thank you" makes one feel guilty for even peaking between the door slats to check for a problem. For all I know, Ted Kennedy could be lying face down in the bowl, but then again, it serves him right for the fate he left Mary Jo Kopechne at Chappaquidick.
      Anyway, I wonder if anyone has dared try the toilet behind the imposing yellow slip of paper? Could the toilet be in order, yet no one has the intestinal fortitude to check for gastro-intestinal refuse? I'll stop now before I make myself nauseous.
Posted 05/11/03, 4:20 a.m.

    Liberal columnists are having a field day with the supposed hypocrisy of "Book of Virtues" author Bill Bennett. I guess Democrats are free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. After all, Bill Bennett legally gambles!
      Looks like the "right to privacy" only extends to a Democrat president’s sexual trysts. You see, Democrats moralize, but only when talking about stuffy Republicans.
      Bill Bennett didn't do anything wrong, didn’t sin in the eyes of his Catholic church, didn’t do anything illegal, never put his family in financial difficulty and never said he didn't enjoy gambling. Yet he's a hypocrite. Now who's moralizing? We've reached the point where perceived hypocrisy is considered more heinous than being a criminal.
Posted 05/11/03, 3:00 a.m.

    Researchers in England reported that monkeys left in a room with a computer won’t type the works of Shakespeare, after all.
      What they didn’t say was that the illiterate scribble and defecation on the keyboard by the monkeys still made more sense than the Democratic Party’s plans for the 2004 elections.
Posted 05/11/03, 3:00 a.m.

    An Oregon County is seeking a Klingon interpreter to speak with mental health patients who will talk only in the made-up language. I’m a Trek fan, but this seems like enough proof that anyone who goes far enough to make Klingon their official tongue belongs in a loony bin.
Posted 05/11/03, 3:00 a.m.

    From OpinionJournal.com, a story of race that is "both heartening and discouraging":

"U.S. black leaders have failed to get African and Caribbean immigrants to think of themselves as 'black' and have created a rift among the groups, a panel on diversity said yesterday," reports the Washington Times.

The Times quotes William Spriggs of the National Urban League Institute for Opportunity and Equality: "Black politicians . . . haven't been able to get [black immigrants] to buy into what white America is all about, about what white privilege is. Immigrants don't come here with that understanding. We have to change our language to let them know that these are their problems."

In other words, black immigrants are more interested in enjoying opportunity and equality than in wallowing in victimhood. Too bad the same can't be said of "black leaders" like Spriggs.

Stuck on You: Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear are siamese twins in the new Farrelly Brothers movie. I think you know what to expect. But with Damon and Kinnear starring, this time even I will show up.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: New trailer isn't as dark green as the first one, and divulges the storyline. I'm skeptical, but with Sean Connery in it I'm sure to buy a ticket. It looks to rely heavily on CGI, which will determine its success.

Hulk - Sure I'll see it. I just won't see it angry. You won't like me when I've seen a movie angry. Arrrgghh!! Actually, I just want the cool Hulk gloves I saw at Toys 'r Us that growl when you hit something with them.

Hollywood Homicide - Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett in a Beverly Hills hip-hop comical buddy cop flick. Yeah, it covers a lot of genres, but looks to be a crowd-pleaser.

Sinbad: New animated kids' movie from DreamWorks, not Disney. For that alone, I'm sure it will sink quickly.

Matrix: Reloaded - Duh. What do you think? Thursday the 15th, I'll be there, and I'll be by that Sunday it would have made $100 million. That's right, I say it'll break all box office records.
Posted 05/03/03, 4:35 a.m.

    Seeing President Bush land on a carrier and strut around the flight deck in his flight suit was uber-cool, and something no Democrat could ever credibly pull off. They would always be afraid of the Michael Dukakis tank incident in '88.
Posted 05/01/03, 8:57 p.m.

    Trailer Park :

S.W.A.T. - Looks loud, plenty of stuff gets blow'd up and the cast is young and hip, coupled with older and hipper Sam Jackson. Perfect summer fare.

Godsend - Greg Kinnear, John Stamos' wife and Robert DeNiro in a creepy clone thriller. Looks intriguing, although a little too drenched in angst for me.

The Hard Word - Easy word: Wait. For reviews, that is. Guy Pearce and Rachel Griffiths in yet another heist-gone-bad flick where the characters are in overstrung British accents.

Veronica Guerin - A journalist investigates a neighborhood drug cartel. The title alone suggests it wants to be thought of as a grittier Erin Brockovich. I'll see it for star Cate Blanchett, and hope for a decent movie.

28 Days Later - We talked about this one earlier. From the director of Trainspotting comes what is essentially a modern Omega Man, where a few folks (who just happen to be attractive 20-somethings) are terrorized by zombies after a sickness wipes out the planet. I'll pass.

The Shape of Things - Seems like a romantic comedy gone bad. Rachel Weisz (mmm, Rachel) turns a nerd into a main attraction, and demands he change his body, his life and his friends, while the latter makes Rachel (mmm) out to be the anti-Christ. Dude, who cares? He's dating Rachel (mmmm) for goodness' sake!
Posted 05/01/03, 8:57 p.m.

    I dunno, this seems downright common sensical to me:

Wife Won't Cook Dinner, Husband Calls Police LONDON (Reuters) - An angry British husband made an emergency call to police -- because his wife refused to cook him his dinner.
      The man dialed "999" in a fury, demanding help from officers because his wife was busy decorating, Avon and Somerset police in western England said on Thursday.
      "My wife's left me with two salmon sandwiches which was left over from last night, and I'm sat in the chair here and she's out there decorating," the man told the police operator.
      "She won't put any food on or anything for anybody."
      The operator is then heard interrupting him saying: "I'm sorry but I really can't take this. It's not an emergency because your wife won't give you anything to eat."