A teenage girl was about to finish her first year of college. She considered herself to be very liberal like her professors and friends, and even wanted to join the Democrat party. Her family, however, were rather staunch conservatives.
      One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.
      He stopped her and asked her how she was did this year in school. She answered that she had a perfect 4.0 GPA but it was really tough.
      She had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because of all the studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.
      He then asked how her friend Mary, who was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that sadly she was failing and having to drop out of college. Her GPA was 0.1, a D-, and she would be allowed back only on academic probation. Why? She never studied, was very popular on campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for classes because she was too tired from late night activities.
      He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 2.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend who was failing. That way they would both have a 2.0 GPA. The daughter fired back and said "That wouldn't be fair, I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing. Why would you take points from me to give to her?"
      The father smiled and said: "How does it feel to be a conservative?"
Posted 06/09/03, 3:35 a.m.

    Steven is finding inspiration via holes in the ground. Read more at his site to understand. Alas, however, his guestbook is down this weekend and my withdrawal pains from typing to blonde bombshell Kimberly, Steve and assorted others were such that I had to use my mouth and talk to actual living beings. Tragic.
Posted 06/08/03, 3:05 a.m.

    In my continuing quest to talk about nothing other than TV or fook, I bring you the report of my Atkins Diet, day 22. When I got to CNN Center to work (no, really, I have a job and everything!), a co-worker emailed me about his confliction over the low-carb method. Most of his questions were health-related, that I am essentially starving myself and all the weight loss was water and I’ll end up looking like Tom Hanks in Cast Away. Um, yeah, and your point is?
      OK, so he does have legitimate concerns, and I've read all the nattering nabobs of negativity about the diet, but I've also read plenty from other sources to convince me that I'll be fine and healthy. This includes reputable nutrition studies that say the diet is healthier than they imagined (naturally, they went at it in attack mode and ended up surprised that you don’t have to eat weight by eating apples and tofu all the time). Besides, I’m only on it for a year, and I doubt no matter how unhealthy it could be, it’ll be worth it to be toothless and hairless if I can just get back to 225 lbs, which will look just dandy on my 6’4” frame as all the babes flock to me and beg for a piece of clothing.
Posted 06/08/03, 2:45 a.m.

    Why am I a playful, joyous wonder to behold ? Could it be that waiting for marriage with no sex life is a positive thing? But the TV people say I should sleep with a number of different partners of both genders and never worry about protection or the morning after? I have been misinformed! I demand a rewrite!
Posted 06/08/03, 2:05 a.m.

    Atkins Diet, Day 21. One thing I enjoy is that I can go hours upon hours without getting hungry. I'll wake up at noon, then run errands, go to the driving range, read, do laundry, play on the computer, whatever, and not eat 'breakfast' until 6 p.m. and only then because I feel like I have to eat something. The only certainty is to drink a LOT of water, so much that little goldfish could swim in my belly unharmed (but I draw the line at the plastic plants and bobbing aqua man).
Posted 06/07/03, 4:45 a.m.

    Americans are up in arms over sports treasure Sammy Sosa corking his bat in the national pastime. Contrast that to this human interest piece on the leading executioner who cuts off arms (and heads, among other parts) in Saudi Arabia, home of the "religion of peace."
Posted 06/07/03, 4:45 a.m.

    This week's best Vents from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
    - Life Lesson No. 743: Never leave your wife's anniversary present in a Wal-Mart bag.
    - Life Lesson No. 3,940: The person who pays for the pizza gets the toppings that fall off the box.
    - President Clinton wants the 22nd Amendment changed so that a person can serve more than two terms. Ah, so many interns, so little time.
    - They kicked Dad out of the hospital because he took a turn for the nurse.
    - One more reason to save the Earth - it's the only planet with chocolate.
    - I understand that the FBI is setting up a dumpster behind the Baghdad Sav-A-Lot in hopes of capturing Saddam.
    - A fool and his money are soon parted. Hillary's book retails for $28.
Posted 06/07/03, 4:05 a.m.

    Yes, I am aware that way too many of my posts revolve around television nowadays. But I do have a life, I promise. Why, just this afternoon I joined a couple of coworkers at the Braves game (a win over Texas!), then spent a couple of hours at the driving range. Best part of going to the range is taking the long route just so I can pass by Schwing America Inc. Don't know what they make, but with a name like Schwing!, it's bound to be sexy.
      I just finished watching the MTV Movie Awards, which was actually pretty funny this year - if overly vulgar several times - and the young'uns picked some decent films (Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers won Best Movie).
      On the way home from hitting balls, I stopped at Blockbuster to rent Equilibrium, a movie that I didn't get around to seeing half a year ago, but have read only positive things about since the DVD came out last week. Okay, so Blockbuster had a measly four copies, and all were out. Bummer.
      But (a good 'but') I found that a special edition DVD of Glory, one of my top ten films, was made! The two discs have both fullscreen and widescreen versions, director's audio commentary (a must for any DVD), a video commentary by producer Ed Zwick, Morgan Freeman and Matthew Broderick, a documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman, historical featurettes, deleted scenes and trailers. Well worth the $25, and I look forward to exploring this movie with these promising additonal details.
Posted 06/06/03, 5:00 a.m.

    Episode 2 of "Amazing Race 4," and the Dating Cussbuckets, Amanda and Chris of South Dakota, were eliminated as the teams wound up in Venice. While taking a gondola ride through the canals, it didn't look like they had to dodge Jason Statham, Seth Green or assorted henchmen in speedboats. My favorites, The Virgins, The Clowns, Father/Son and local favorite The Falcons Wives, are all still in it.
Posted 06/06/03, 5:00 a.m.

    Day 20 of the Atkins Diet, and nothing new to report. Settled into a routine, hoping for quick weight loss and constantly on the prowl for new low-carb foods. I'll guarantee millions upon millions of dollars to the first frozen dinner company that develops Atkinis-friendly meals, because I'm lazy enough to spend $100K alone. For now I'll settle for frozen fish fillets and veggies. I'll add that at the ballgame yesterday, my neighbors looked askew to me eating a hot dog with mustard, but not the bun. Oh, well, we do what we must!
Posted 06/06/03, 5:00 a.m.

    Cool beans, "Perfect Strangers" on Nick (way at) Nite, at 4 a.m. Is it still a funny show? Was it ever? Don't be ridiculous, of course it was a good sitcom. Not just Larry and Balky's odd couple-esque banter, but the love life. This morning's show was an It's a Wonderful Life parody, where Larry realizes he needs to tell super-babe Jennifer that he likes her and doesn't want her to take a job in L.A. Sure, it's only a television program, but that doofus Larry could land a babe like Jennifer, it gives all us goofs hope. He's dorkier and more neurotic than I am, but we all have our quirks.

Just as interesting, "Head of the Class" comes on next. This morning's show was the second of a special two-parter where the gang of nerds goes to Moscow for an academic bee against genius Russian nerds. Of course, this was the late 80s, so this episode no doubt received some notariety for filming in the "enemy" country. Naturally, the show painted Russians as "just like" those of us in the States, and if we just work together we can avoid nuclear holocaust! The worst part was the "we can all get along" vomit-inducing concert at the end, with a terrible 80s tune (and I love 80s music) with bad clothes and worse graphics. Second to that as worst part was that the show just sort of painted over the indoctrination of the Soviets to Communist thuggery, and they kinda forgot to show the bread lines and poverty that collectivism wrought, and didn't touch on the USSR's tyranny over its republics and Eastern Europe. Guess they ran out of time.
Posted 06/05/03, 5:15 p.m.

    If you have a fast computer connection, you must watch this high-larious animated "moo-vie" called "Cows With Guns". The bovines are rebelling, and frankly, I'm inclined to join their crusade.
Posted 06/05/03, 1:35 a.m.

    Queen Elizabeth II continues her Golden Jubilee celebration this year - 50 years after her coronation. I adore the British monarchy. I'm glad they're just figureheads and the parliamentary runs things, but it's fun to watch the royals pretend to understand the commoners, all the while concealing their mutli-million dollar cufflinks. When I visited the UK a few years back, it seemed quite a novelty to be able to hang out at Buckingham Palace and Windsor where the Queen hangs out. Having a monarchy over there just seems so proper, so, well, English.
Posted 06/05/03, 1:35 a.m.

    You can't kiss and tell at baseball games nowadays.
      David Horton enjoyed good seats at a Cincinnati Reds game last week, and he even had a chance to smooch his girl on the "Kiss Cam" between innings. Problem is, Horton was spotted by his parole officer, and arrested at the game on outstanding warrants for drug trafficking.
Posted 06/05/03, 1:35 a.m.

    There is a reality show that blows away all others in terms of actual REALITY, called "Travel the Road." It airs on TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network - yes the kooky Christian network), and is made from personal home videos of a few young male missionaries who documented their work around the world. Their conviction for the Lord is beyond my comprehension, that they can take anything put in their way and mix among strange and wonderful cultures. They face danger (from people, wildlife and problematic transportation), they face many, many complications, yet all with a smile and they bring many people the Word and salvation. Very impressive.

UPDATE: Here's the website for the show.
Posted 06/04/03, 6:25 a.m.

    I have to give props to another summer show, "Keen Eddie" on Fox Tuesdays. Eddie is a cop from New York who ends up across the pond, whose experiences are witty, interesting, and plenty of fish-out-of-water U.S. vs. English humor from London. It's quirky, but not over-the-top in "Ally McBeal" fashion.
Posted 06/04/03, 6:05 a.m.

    I know you know I watched the two-hour debut of "For Love or Money" on NBC. The premise: 15 women in an opulent mansion, wooed by a bachelor. Sounds like a normal reality dating show, right? Uh-uh. The kicker is that the woman who 'wins,' will have to choose between one million dollars and the bachelor. Only, the women think they get the money no matter what, so there's a surprise for everyone.
      Yes, I will stick with this show. I look forward to the sucker, I mean, bachelor, Rob (a lawyer from Dallas), being completely unaware of the catty shenanigans of the lady-folk trying to convince themselves that they're in it for love, not money. Fan-tastic. I can't watch "The Bachelor," since it's too straightforward, but shows like "Joe Millionaire" and "Mr. Personality" that present a twist are highly entertaining.
      Five of the 15 were discarded at the end of the debut, including my favorite, Tracy, from Albany, Georgia. Her being tossed floored me. There are a lot of Southern women on the show, and Christina from New Smyrna, Georgia, is now my choice. Second is Paige from Dallas, who is, in fact, cuter than a button. It might be nice to see Alima, the "virgin" from Seattle, win, as the "virgins" on "Amazing Race 4" on Thursdays, and a girl named Kelly has already been deemed the "money-grubbing witch" of the last ten, and from her comments on every designer label and personal machinations, the claws will come out. Yum. Me-yow.
Posted 06/04/03, 5:35 a.m.

    Atkins Diet, Day 18. I'm saving mucho dinero by not raiding vending machines at work for soft drinks and chips. Plus, no daily trips upstairs to the cafeteria, spending five bucks on a wrap w/pretzels and drink. Instead, I get raves from co-workers, who marvel that my food smells so inviting. Yesterday's lemon peppper fish with spinach and tonight's baked chicken (topped with seasoned salt and worcestershire sauce) with green beans. That's why I'll be able to stick with this diet; the selection of food has more to offer than it used to. So by next year, as I look forward to walking in with Kimberly to Kristi's wedding in July, so will she look forward to walking in somewhere with me. Not that she cares that much; it's more about my confidence.
Posted 06/04/03, 1:15 a.m.

    I had a weird dream last night (okay, this afternoon, but you know my schedule), one of those super-size dreams that is convoluted, deeply involved and seems to have lasted for a few hours.

In the end of the dream, in the same day somehow I ended up being married with a child. Hmmm, those who know me may figure out what that means. Yes, I do long to be married someday and have a family. Am I the only 27-year-old male who thinks this way?

The weird part, though, was how I ended up being married. In Hollywood-style theatrics, the bride-to-be was actually going to marry another man, but through circumstances favorable to the Jeffster, she realized she was marrying him for the wrong reasons, realized she loved me, and we wed instead. I have no idea how we had a baby the same day, but it’s a dream, so we’ll chalk it up to speedy imagination. Of course, my new wife was also a little emotional and teary due to all the happenings of the day, and I’m not sure if she was happy with her decision or not. Just can’t let myself be overly optimistic, even in my dreams!

I swear I’m not up to stealing women at the altar, and the great sweetie I’ve been corresponding with, Kimberly, will no doubt look at me funny when she accompanies me to Kristi’s wedding in Memphis next month.

Maybe I can make it up to her by linking to cute English kitties singing ‘Independent Woman.’ Of course, the Viking Kittens singing Led Zeppelin is tops. Hey, their only goal is the western shore, and who can fault them for that?
Posted 06/02/03, 2:15 a.m.

    Atkins Diet, Day 16. The Metabo-Stix was purple, so the diet is certainly working. Starving myself of carbs, my body is abusing fat, kicking it to the curb without a severance. Good times. After the first two weeks, I’ve lost a few pounds and my pants are looser (unless, of course, I popped a stitch, but then we’d know because people at work would point and laugh, not that I’m not used to that already).
      I’m still in the midst of a double this Sunday, working 1 :30 p.m. – 6 a.m. I stopped at Taco Bell for chicken soft tacos – tossing the shells – and brought two meals from home, plus a couple of snacks and an Atkins strawberry shake to keep me company. No worries. Although, carrying this huge bag into work I wonder if security thinks I’m sneaking in small animals.
      Now that I’m caffeine free, however, one thing I miss is when I would work doubles after only four hours of sleep like today, at 2 a.m. grabbing a Diet Coke and Snickers bar to keep me going for the last bit. Now I have to rely on my wit and skills to keep me alert (yep, I’m in trouble). Then again, drinking all this water, I stay awakw just by having to use the little boys’ room every half-hour.
Posted 06/02/03, 2:15 a.m.

    This IBM text-to-speech demo is nifty. If you must know, one of the female voices thinks ‘Jeff is a stud,’ and she sounded quite certain about it.
Posted 06/02/03, 2:05 a.m.

    Our troops had little problems with Saddam’s forces, but that’s because the former Iraqi dictator never learned of the bravery and ferocity of polar bears that invade their turf. Here's one that wasn’t too happy when one of our subs surfaced.
Posted 06/02/03, 2:05 a.m.

    This week's best Vents from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
    - Once I master this new universal remote, I will rule the world.
    - Why is it that when you are in a hurry to get someplace, the car in front of you is always going the speed limit?
    - Isn't it funny that the left preaches tolerance until it comes to the views of the right?
    - If Al Gore was president, we'd still be waiting for an environmental impact study to determine if invading Iraq would damage the sand.
    - I used to be against the death penalty, but spammers have changed my mind.
    - Einstein's theory is much easier to understand than the plot of The Matrix Reloaded.
    - Car owners, why do you let car dealers advertise on your rear end? It's your car!
Posted 06/02/03, 2:05 a.m.

    Atkins Diet, day 14: More and more reasons to love Wal-Mart. Took the half-hour trip to the SuperCenter last night in a low-carb-finding journey. Also, I needed some Ketostix (they measure whether your metabolism is burning the right fat with low carbohydrate intake), which GNC ran out of in the mall. Wal-Mart didn't have the Atkins brand, but had Metabo-Stix-, which are the same thing with a different brand.
      But even better, waaaaay down at the end of the soft drink I found my soda savior: Diet Rite Cola. Not only is it caffeine free, but it also uses sucralose as a sweetener instead of the evil aspartame. Eureka! You'd have thought I just discovered that DoDo birds still existed. What a glorious, glorious moment. Later, I also found lower-carb frozen green veggies - namely spinach - than I found at Kroger or Publix. I love you, Sam Walton. You should be given a posthumous civilian Congressional Medal of Honor.
      p.s. For my movie snack today, I tried the apple cinnamon AdvantEdge low-carb bar. Blech. Looks and tastes like dried paste. But at least paste gives you a buzz.
Posted 05/31/03, 4:15 a.m.

    More on the Amazing Race debut last night. Scott and Nana write that they turned against South Dakotans Amanda and Chris after most of her language had to be bleeped. I couldn't believe that, either. Early on, Amanda looked so cute and perky in her pigtails and I felt a crush coming on. Then she opened her mouth after the competition started and all this venom and cursing started coming out. "Whoa!" I believe that's what I said.
      I'll stick to rooting for Chattanooga Virgins Millie and (Chuck?). I'm not the only one who thinks it's silly that they'll have to live with the title Couple 12 Years/Virgins label the entire show. Makes it sound like they're some rare indigenous species that CBS happened upon.
      And yes, I'm rooting for the Falcons wives because they're Atlantans. Duh! But they did get screwed at the ticket counter when the father/son team let the traffic controllers skip ahead. It may have been strategy, but it was low, and really unnecessary because the controllers couldn't finagle their way onto any flights, anyway.
Posted 05/31/03, 4:15 a.m.

    Before The Italian Job, I was treated to a new batch of trailers to films that look promising:

Lara Croft: Tomb Raiders 2: I'm not that big of an Angelina Jolie fan, but the first movie was mildly entertaining. The sequel, naturally, is on a much bigger scale with what appears to be triple the stunts and action in the pursuit of the 'real' Pandora's Box. Just provide a little intelligence and wit with solid action and a solid bad guy and the filmmakers won't open the figurative pandora's box of sequel failure.

Against The Ropes: Meg Ryan is a manager in this boxing movie. I don't care for movies about the 'sweet science,' and this one doesn't look to draw me into the ring, either.

Open Range: Kevin Costner knows he can rely on two genres: Westerns and Baseball films. Costner is back in the former with Robert Duvall. I'll always see a Western, and we don't get enough anymore, so count me in.

Seabiscuit: This movie will be HUGE. It's family-friendly, it looks to be uplifting and chill-inducing as man and beast battle the odds during the Depression. I'm very much looking forward to it.

Mystic River: Just a teaser spoken by director Clint Eastwood as we circle a mysterious building along a river at dusk. What catches our eye, as it's supposed to, is the cast, including Tim Robbins, Kevin Bacon, Laurence Fishburne, Marcia Gay Harden and Laura Linney. I'm intrigued.

Hollywood Homicide: I'm confused about how this movie is classified. The trailer seems to focus on the comedy. But in any buddy cop flick there has to be some drama, and the trailer also seems to throw in a hip-hop link, yet there don't seem to be any black stars in the movie. Still, Harrison Ford is always a must-see, and Josh Hartnett's sensitive-Zen character looks funny.
Posted 05/31/03, 4:15 a.m.

    The nine Democrat presidential candidates are campaigning entirely on the basis of nattering nabobs of negativity. If they can't find a subject that will rally Americans to feel good about their country, 2004 will be a GOP sweep.
Posted 05/31/03, 4:15 a.m.

    Amazing Race episode 1: I'm not sure how it will pan out. It wasn't difficult to figure out that the overweight married couple would get trounced on the mountain climb and lose right away. I'm still rooting for the Falcons' wives, the virgin couple from Chattanooga (why did it seem like they were presented as freaks for this?) and the father/son team (when the son said he wouldn't help the models with fake boobs, I about fell out of my seat).
Posted 05/30/03, 7:20 p.m.

    Is it a sin that I'm listening to the WOW Contemporary Christian Worship album while playing Delta Force on the computer, infiltrating and killing many, many enemy soldiers (who no doubt deserve it)?
Posted 05/30/03, 7:20 p.m.

    Dagnabit! Atkins Diet, day 14. Yesterday, I figured out that the sugar-free gum may have been impeding some weight loss. Today it's a really stupidly-named sweetener called aspartame. Yeah, well, as part me, as part you, as part everything, I now can't even drink Caffeine Free Diet Coke. Sodas are just out altogether. Pfft!
Posted 05/30/03, 12:55 a.m.

    The last week, we've seen LeBron James sign a Nike contract worth $90 million before being drafted from high school into the NBA and 13-year-old soccer prodigy Freddy Adu sign a $1 million deal.
      Today, though, I saw something truly impressive while watching the National Spelling Bee. A nine-year-old third grader, amid all the seasoned 'veteran' eighth-graders who've been here before, finished in the top four. Perhaps a hospital should go ahead and sign the kid to a deal for him to be a surgeon, or a company like Proctor & Gamble sign him up to be a research scientist. Those will wait, of course, until after a top-notch university assures him his college will be paid for via scholarship.
      I, however, didn't fare as well. I won the Scenic Hills Elementary spelling bee in 1987 as a sixth-grader, but finished 108th out of 176 in the Memphis-metro Bee. Stupid word, that "bedlam." I swear I thought the guy pronounced it with a 'th' in the middle. Shouldn't the announcers have to pronounce words correctly? Aarrgggh!!! Yes, I'm still quarrelling after 16 years. By the way, for further clarification of my awesome nerd/geek status, when I won the school Bee, I celebrated on stage by doing the Pee-Wee Herman dance. Yep. You read that correctly.
Posted 05/29/03, 6:45 p.m.

    Atkins Diet, day 13. I'm barely notcing a difference, and I think I know why: I chew Extra sugar-free gum. Until today - like the doofus I am - I hadn't checked the label for a nutrition count. Well, on my way to the driving range this afternoon I finally glanced down at the wrapper and noticed each stick has a whopping two grams of carbs! Yikes! So I've been consuming an extra four to six grams a day without realizing. Now the gum is all tossed, but I feel almost like I'm starting anew. Daggumit, why can't I have lost 30 pounds by now! Impatience, thy name is Jeff.
Posted 05/29/03, 5:05 a.m.

    One way for the GOP to ensure to the American public that tax cuts won't increase the deficit is to prove it by limited spending increases in the next few budgets. Unfortunately, the Republicans in control seem to be as much, if not more, spend-happy with our money than the Dim-ocrats. I'm not saying they should cut any programs - although I'm sure many could be - but just limit spending increases from the typical six to eight percent down to three or four percent. Sure, the Dim-ocrats would claim the GOP is cutting programs, but they already do, even when the budget is increased beyond inflation.
Posted 05/29/03, 5:00 a.m.

    Where's the world outrage over possible cannibalism and ethnic cleansing in the Congo? Is it because the U.N. can't blame the U.S.? I can't believe I'm saying this, but good for France for agreeing to send troops to the area.
Posted 05/29/03, 4:55 a.m.

    You might not believe this, but Democrats are now hinting that the U.S. was pushed into war with Iraq on false pretenses, claiming that unless we find countless caches of weapons of mass destruction the entire operation was all for naught. It was up to the Iraqis to show they had destroyed their WMDs. They didn't, so we're doing it for them. And I wonder if the Iraqis enjoying freedom of speech, assembly, religion, et al., would like to hear that the Dems would rather the Iraqis still be under the boot of Saddam than Pres. Bush's administration fight a war under any circumstance.

UPDATE: Not that it matters to the left, but if you haven't heard, the CIA determined that the trailers our troops have found in Iraq were used for biological weapons.
Posted 05/29/03, 4:55 a.m.

    My favorite reality TV show, Amazing Race, opens it's next installment on Thursday! This time, I have a local connection to root for. A wife of an Atlanta Falcon and a wife of a former Falcon (Monica Ambrose and Sheree Buchanan) paired up to compete, so that should be fun.
Posted 05/29/03, 4:45 a.m.

    Steven is talking drunks in his Musings. Speaking of, his guestbook is now party central and all cool people hang out there. Not to mention, a cute chick named Kimberly is pretending to hit on me. I'll take what pity I can get, so you can be witness!
Posted 05/26/03, 2:55 a.m.

    Day nine of the Atkins Diet, and I’m still searching for variety. My royalty-worthy younger sister, Stacy, emails that she hit a wall after two weeks and is approaching that ‘oh-i-just-want-to-live-my-life-and-what-good-is-losing-weight-if-i'm-not-enjoying-everyday’ place. I understand. I have no carb-laden foods in my home, except for old ketchup and barbecue packets in the bottom drawer of the fridge, and one day I'm afraid I'll explode and drink 'em whole! I just need to remember that sacrificing eating habits for a year will be worth 50 more fun years where babes oogle me and I have more social confidence (I know some of you are thinking, “More? Egad, he’ll be the cockiest sumbi**ch in the Southeast!”
Posted 05/26/03, 2:55 a.m.

    The cultural icons at the New York Times are getting their knickers in a twist over Wal-Mart. Apparently it caters too much to the people who actually shop there *gasp * and stocks such videos as "VeggieTales" (oh dear, but they teach Christian values), books such as the end-times "Left Behind" series (more of that Christianity forced by shoppers to purchase) and country music (dang that Middle America!). Seems that the Times is upset that the chain doesn’t try to push liberal authors or sell pornographic videos to its customers, and instead maintain "a family-friendly atmosphere." How dare they!? Don’t they know that’s not open-minded ? Now when I make my 3 a.m. Wal-Mart run, I’m more apt to purchase every single item mentioned in the story just to stick it in the elitist NY Times’ craw.
      The folks at Scrappleface do a much better job lampooning the ridiculous hit piece.
Posted 05/26/03, 2:55 a.m.

    It’s time for more Trailer Park ! : The Hulk : I can’t figure this one out. Oh, and I know when Bruce is angry he becomes Shrek on steroids, but there’s so much computer graphics that I fear it may take me out of the movie. But hey, Jennifer Connelly is the love interest, so it’s got something going for it.

Charlie’s Angels : Full Throttle : The sequel looks like a super-size version of the original, which is fine and dandy since any good summer blockbuster should be bigger and badder than the last. The trailer let’s us know that Diaz, Berrymore and Liu will be just as charming, just as a**-whoopin’ and Bernie Mac should be a hoot as the new Bosley.

2 Fast 2 Furious : The original looked too much like Point Break with cars. Sure, cars go vroom vroom, but count me out.

Pirates of the Caribbean : Curse of the Black Pearl : I was worried before that this would reek, and then the filmmakers added a subtitle. That really made me concerned about the suckage. Now that my expectations are nil, just give me swashbuckling, Johnny Depp and cute babes in corsets.

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen : As above, the filmmakers can’t decide how to sell this fantastical flick. First, they shortened the title to ‘LXG,’ and now ‘The League.’ I’ll see it, but I need to be proven that it’s worth more than a matinee, even with Sean Connery starring.

Stuck on You : If the Farrelly Brothers are involved, normally I’d balk, but this winter’s movie about Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear as doofus conjoined twins may get me to buy a ticket. Naturally, I’ll leave any analytical bit of my brain in the car.

Le Divorce : Another one of those, ‘American girl goes to Paris and learns about life and love’ movies. But I dislike the French currently, and especially if I’m going to be lectured to as Kate Hudson is the mistress of some smarmy Frenchman (but I repeat myself).

Freaky Friday : It’s been awhile since the Vice Versa-type role-reversal movies, so how about Jamie Lee Curtis switching places with her daughter for a day ? Been there, done that, but if Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage have cameos it would be a nice homage.
Posted 05/26/03, 2:50 a.m.

    I can only consider it a Frencn conspiracy that at both my home and work, the Spelling program defaults back to the French language no matter how many times I change it back to U.S. English. I’ll just note that on my Reasons To Hate The French chalkboard.
Posted 05/26/03, 2:50 a.m.

    If you’re looking to pass the time, how about some miniature golf ? After a few 50s and a 55, I finally started narrowing my score down to 37! My computer clicking finger is too good for you infidels !
Posted 05/26/03, 2:50 a.m.

    Week two of the Atkins Diet began Saturday, and a new study bolsters what we all knew: Carb Solutions’ creamy chocolate peanut butter bar is HORRIBLE.
      Wait. No, what I meant to say was that two low-carb studies prop up the Atkins theory:

Two small studies published Wednesday in the New England Journal of Medicine --- among the first controlled, more rigorous trials of low-carb diets --- produced findings contrary to decades of dietary messages that a reduced-fat eating plan high in carbohydrates was best for losing pounds and maintaining a healthy weight. In both studies, those following a low-carb diet lost more weight in the first six months and showed more improvement in cholesterol levels than those on the kind of low-fat, high-carb diet supported by volumes of research.

• Woke up mid-afternoon, drove to Subway where I had a low-carb-friendly turkey salad outside.
• Saw Bruce Almighty, which is very funny and worthy all your hard-earned dollars to see. Before the movie, I was early, so I even had a chance to plug quarters into my favorite video game, Galaga, and even played well! Got the double-ship at just the right times to rack up big points in the Challenge Stage.
• Thirty seconds before the movie began, a lady with two little kids and a baby plopped down right next to me, but the kids were well-behaved and the baby never peeped.
• After the movie, I came back to the apartment and enjoyed the 70-degree sunny day on the porch reading the sports section, listening to the Braves game. For lunch, pork chops and a mushroom/pepper omelet.