Hari-Kari vs. Rando Sun

M : Hello everyone and welcome to Saturday Fury. This is commissioner Maziar Sardar alongside with UCW president, Felecity.

F: Hello to all UCW fans out there! What a night we have for you with Sir Richard Foxhunt, Jackal and Jack Heart battling for the World Championship. Vixen will also defend the women’s title against Terri and Hari-Kari will face Rando Sun.

M : We also have two very special guests...

J : Snootchie bootchies little nootchies ! I 'm Jay, and this is my way hetro lifemate Silent Bob.

SB: (Waves )

F: Guys, we had a lots of requests from the fans to invite you. Thank you for comings again.

J : Thats right! Do you think we would let our girlfriend down? Hell no!

F: ....that’s very sweet.

M : Ladies and gentleman, let me warn you. If you don’t want your kids to hear the f words or the b words or other profanities, or you don’t want them to hear about subjects like..um, fornicating, please send them to bed now. We at UCW will do our best to keep it for family, but we can’t guarantee our guests will. So Jay, Bob...how is your movie “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” doing?

J : It’s doin damn fine despite of those stupid jerk offs at that fucked up placed called Internet.

F: Credits?

J :Yea, you know those stupid fat people who can’t have a movie of themselves so all they do is sit at home and jack off while talking shit behind us. Well me and Silent Bob are going to kick their ass!

M: Well, speaking of ass kicking, lets start tonight’s first match involving Hari-Kari and Rando Sun.

F: Both of them are in the ring. They lock up and Sun quickly gets HK in a headlock.

J: How many times have we seen this shit before?

B: (shrugs)

M : Relax guys, I am sure this will be a great match up. Sun lets go of the headlock and whips HK to the ropes. When HK is reflected back, Sun takes him down with a nice over head belly to belly suplex.

F: Sun continues to stomp on HK. He picks up HK by the head but HK catches him off guard with a punch to the face.

J : That Hari dude is throwing his hand at Sun. For some reason someone is saying whooo. Hey, I did it! How is my commentary?

SB: (nods approval and gives a thumbs up.)

J : Well, if we do a good job she is gonna have sex with us!

F: No, I am not. HK continues with chops to Sun’s chest. But Sun counter with an chop of his own. Another “whooooo” from the crowd. Suns grabs HK’s head and starts chocking him on the ropes until the ref counts and breaks the hold.

M: Sun takes down HK with a vertical suplex. Sun manages to get HK to a Boston Crab but HK quickly reaches for the ropes before any actually damage can be down.

J: Sun picks up that Hari guy but Hari suddenly gets him back with a flying kick running both of his legs to Sun‘s chest. Sun falls down. Sun is still down. The Hari dude covers Sun. The referee is slapping the mat for some reason. Hey ... looks like we are not the only ones here with some good stuff.

F: 1...2 Sun gets the shoulders up. They both stand up. HK tries whips Sun to the corner...but Sun reverses and whips HK to the ropes instead. Sun continues the memento by a body slash. The smaller HK struggles to stay on his feat and falls on the ground.

M: Rando Sun quickly gets on the rope. Here he goes with an amazing Moonassault, but HK gets his knees up in in the last second! Sun must be pretty hurt as he rolls on the ground. HK quickly gets up and climbs the ropes .....and lands on Rando with the Suicide Dive! He quickly goes for the cover and ... wins this one.

J : What a wussy. If it was me and Silent Bob we would beat the shit of that little guy.

Winner -- Hari-Kari

Vixen vs. Terri

Womans Title Match

M: And now its time for our next match, where Vixen will defend the Women’s title against Terri. Well, the crowd’s respond is not overwhelming as she...

J : HOLY SHIT! ITS CHYNA! NOOOO!

B : (shudders)

M : Relax boys, that is just Vixen. And now Terri is making his way to the ring. As you might have guessed, Tank has been forbidden to accompany Terri to the ring. However ... going back to subject, Vixen does have some similarities with Chyna, and I can’t help not to notice all those “Vixen is my dad signs” in the crowd.

J : Well, this fat moron(looks at Silent Bob) has a poster of Chyna on his wall and the sick fuck jacks off every night on the poster....

B : (Raises eyebrows at Jay)

F: Well, that is some extra information. Terri runs to Vixen and swings a right hand, but Vixen easily blocks and throws a right hand of her own that sends Terri on the ground. Terri tries to get up but Vixen just kicks her down again as she tries to get up.

M: Vixen picks up Terri by the hair and pulls her to the corner where she starts pounding her head against the turnbuckles. Vixen then whips Terri to the opposite corner. Terri falls down on the ground as her back rams the turnbuckles. Vixen in complete control of the match.

J : Man, this shit is boring. We thought we are going to see a catfight! When is this shit going to end so we can get it on with our girlfriend?

F: Guys... no one is going to have sex with you...

J : What the fuck? Then what the hell we came all the way here for? What the hell is going on? We came here to get laid, not to watch some stupid people beating each other in some shitty fights. We came here to visit you so we will ...

F: NO ONE IS GOING TO FU......HAVE SEX WITH YOU! GOT IT?!

J : Awww man. You stupid fat piece of shit! (punches Silent Bob in the shoulder) You pissed her off...now she would never fuck us.

M: Uh, back to the match. Vixen still in complete control. There is not much hope left for Terri. She is on her knees as Vixen tries to pick her up ...but wait a minute, Terri with a shoulder tackle to Vixen’s knees which sends her back to collide with the referee. Both referee and Vixen are down.

F: I am not sure how much will that help Terri, as we told you... Tank was not allowed to accompany her to the ring . Vixen is trying to get up as Terri runs to her, but Vixen stops her dead by kick to the stomach and takes her down with a DDT!

J : Well, let me tell if that big sheep-fucker Tank runs down the ramp and disobeys our girlfriend’s rules, we are going to bust him up and let me tell you... big fat sheep fuckers just don’t pop out of the ring or something.

M : What is that sound? Oh my, a buzzsaw is ripping the ring mat from under. Look... its Tank! He rips the part of the mat and gets up behind Vixen, taking advantage of an injured referee who can’t notice this.

J : HOT CHICKS WITH BIG FAT TITIES JUST DON’T POP OF THE RING!

F: The bigger Tank sneaks behind Vixen. As Vixen turns, the bigger Tank wraps his hands around Vixen’s neck and picks her up. Terri reaches for something on her pants... a set of Ironnuckles!

M : As Terri swings at Vixen’s head, Vixen eye rakes Tank, forcing him to let of the grip and take the devastating punch instead. Terri looks surprised as she checks on a busted open Tank, but Vixen takes her down from behind with a bulldog. She gets Terri in the Mistress Shackle! Ref is getting up as Terri taps out! Our workers have to fix the ring, we will be back after these messages.

Winner -- Vixen

Sir Richard Foxhunt vs. Jackal vs. Jack Heart

3 Way World Title Match

M : Ladies and gentleman we are back and ready for our final event as SRF defends the world title against Jackal and his very own Royal Family member, Jack Heart. However, during the break ... Jay and Silent Bob were discussing their ‘relationship’ with Felecity.

J : Yeah Silent Bob, we can’t dump her. The bitch is hot.

SB : (nods in agreement)

F: Look guys, if you just be quiet .... I will give you a hug after tonight’s show.

J: Sure ......(turning to SB).. what a slut!

M : The Royal Family members have made their way into the ring. All wrestlers’ managers are not allowed to be at ring side. So no Kelli Fox, Ace Diamond and The Queen:

J: Hey, Silent Bob has a poster of The Queen on the wall too. That sick fuck!

F: And here comes Jackal ...he runs to the ring but he is quickly stomped by SRF and Jack.

M : Ofcourse there is only one winner coming out of this match, but I am sure SRF and Jack Heart will try to destroy Jackal before fighting themselves.

J : Oh like that guy has even a chance of winning the title. Come on, he is even smaller than Silent Bob’s dick.

F: Well, despite...his size, Jackal has proven many times that he is one of the better superstars of UCW. However his chances are not that great as he is being double teamed by The Royal Family.

J: The British dude and the other British dude raise the short guy on the ground and then thrown him down on his back! Hey, me and Silent Bob used to do that a lot, these guys are just like us!

M : I couldn’t agree more. SRF and Jack Heart pick up Jackal on their shoulder and run to corner to ram Jackal’s head to the turnbuckles, but Jackal jumps and gets behind them. As Jack turns, Jackal quickly takes him down with an spinning heel kick. However SRF quickly stops the memento by a clothsline that sends Jackal down.

F: SRF grabs Jackal’s legs and spreads them wide over as Jack Heart climbs the ropes.

SRF : What are you doing?

Jack : What are YOUUUUU doing?

J : Heh...white people.

M: And Jack Heart with a devastating diving headbutt to Jackal’s family jewels. I don’t want to be Jackal now, or Kelli Fox either.

J : Hahaha...that’s funny!

SB: (laughs)

J: Well, we can help Kelli Fox if Felecity lets us. We don’t want to cheat on our girlfriend and all, you know.

F: Uh, thanks guys. SRF and Jack Heart now have Jackal on the corner and are kicking him on the chest and stomach. Ref is trying to pull them back...but wait, so one pulls the ref out of the ring!

J: Oh no! It’s Arnold Swallnomer!

M: It’s Lab Rat! He pulls the ref out and throws him to the ring stairs. And Ickeez just ran into the ring from the crowd! Ickeez has a chair in his hand as smashes it to Jack Heart’s back! SRF turns, but Ickeez sends him out of the ring with a huge shot to the head! SRF is busted open!

F: Ickeez gets out of the ring...but here comes the other royal family member, Big Bad Boswell! He runs toward Ickeez and takes him down with a boot to the face. Lab Rat and Boswell get in a brawl, but looks like Anarchy, Pyromaniac and Ian Hicks want to join the member of the party. Damage Inc. quickly takes down Boswell at well. Boswell and SRF are being stomped dead by the Damage Inc. Lab Rat picks them up on his shoulder and is taking them to backstage followed by rest of Damage Inc.

J: Dude this place is so fucked up like that place called Internet. They are like cheating in front of the president and commish and are all they are doing is talking non sense that people in the home can see for themselves.

M: um..yes. Meanwhile in the ring, both Jack Heart and Jackal are getting up. Jackal strikes first by grabbing Jack and whipping him to the ropes. As Jack is met by Jackal again, Jackal goes for the Howl from Beyond, but Jack dodges ....gets behind Jackal and gets the man down on his knees by kick to the legs. Jack Heart quickly runs to the corner and up on the ropes...I think he is going for the Heart Breaker!

F: And here he goes...but Jackal stops him in mid air with a successful Howl From Beyond! He goes for the cover 1 ... 2 ... 3! He wins this one!

J: Hey, the short dude just won. I think this shit just kicked in. (He shows a ‘cigar’ on his hand to Silent Bob, but Silent Bob slaps his hand and looks at the camera).

M : Jackal is given the title as he celebrates. But wait...who is that coming behind Jackal! It’s Shadow! Jackal turns but Shadow quickly nails down Jackal with a Deaths Descent! Shadow has just returned to UCW! Shadow looks down at Jackal ... looks like someone is after that world title!

F: I have to tell you, from what we saw happen between Damage Inc and Royal Family today, Shadow is not going to have an easy time here after tonight. Damage Inc is not here right now, but I am sure they will plan revenge on Shadow.

SB: Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things.

M: What a night we had for you. Our thanks once again to Jay and Silent Bob for showing up. See you next time on Turmoil. This is Maziar Sardar alongside Felecity saying good night