It's a Wonderful Life

"Bad Karma" RJ Souza vs Snake

Snow Fight Match

F: Good evening Everybody and Welcome to our Festive Pay Per View, "It's a Wonderful Life".

C: And what a wonderful life it is here in UCW, one reason being the lovely women backstage who we are going to right now to get the matches started, the ever gorgeous Felicity..

Felicity: Good evening ever body and welcome to UCW's It's a Wonderful Life. Tonight we have some never before seen matches, all thanks to our wheel. As you all know, I don't like to keep people waiting, so lets get this started.

**Felicity turns to face the wheel, she holds onto the side and spins it quickly and stands back as the camera moves in closer. The wheel abruptly stops, Felicity comes back in shot and smiles into the camera**

Felicity: As you saw, the un-predictable wheel has picked our first match to be a,.. SNOW FIGHT!

**The camera fades to black and opens onto the entrance ramp showing Souza making his way down the ramp with his managers Faith and Destiny on either arm, he stares at the pile of UCW fake snow with a Santa's sleigh and many Christmas items scattered around. They stop at the bottom of the ramp where both his ladies give him a good luck kiss on his cheeks simultaneously, then both make their way to the back**

C: Damn he is a lucky man, I hate him already. He has Destiny on one side and Faith on the other, and for those that don't know, when I say Faith I don't mean one half of the tag champs, she mine!

F: You wish! I don't think Kam would agree with you on that.

C: I can dream cant I!?

**The camera moves back to the entrance just in time to catch Snake running down the ramp**

F: Snake runs towards the ring, wanting to get the match started, he slides under the bottom rope and heads straight for RJ Souza. Souza goes for the clothesline, but Snake ducks and waits behind him, Souza turns round and is hit with a sharp kick to the mid section, making him stumble into the corner. Snake delivers some hard knife-edge chops to the chest of Souza. Snake turns Souza round and begins to choke him on the top rope. Snake now looking over the crowd for their reaction

C: I can mainly hear boo's, he doesn't seem to care, Snake runs to opposite side of the ring, and coming off the ropes he jumps over the top rope with a slingshot to Souza. Souza falls to the mat holding his throat, that must have hurt, the force he was pulled against the rope!

F: Snake has rolled into the ring and gone for the cover...1,2, kick out. Things are getting started now, Snake is looking up at the selection of Christmas weapons, and this is where the match gets brutal.

C: I know, its great isn't it! I have been looking forward to this match, I was hoping it would be picked, that Felicity knows how to treat the fans, and with what she was wearing just topped it all off, maybe I should go back there and see if she is ok?

F: Why wouldn't she be fine?

C: I don't know, unless I check...

F: Sit down Creed, she will be fine!!

C: Damn you Fairbanks, always there to spoil my fun.

F: Well, if you went now, you would miss this match.

C: Don't you hate being right all the time?

F: Ermm, nope!

C: I think we should get back to the match. Snake is rummaging through the weapons in the Christmas treats. What has he got?

F: I think...yeah, he's found the snow shovel, this isn't going to go down well with Souza!

C: Who by the way, is making his way up the ramp.

F: Snake has the snow shovel raised above his head as he walks towards his victim. Snake with a big swing hits Souza in the side of his head knocking him off the side of the ramp.

C: Wow, good shot Snake!

F: Creed!

C: WHAT?

F: Picking your favourites again!?

C: Ahh, shut up and call the match!

F: Well I guess someone has to...

C: ...

F: Damn you Creed. Souza is now crawling over to the Christmas treats with a happy looking Snake following.

C: Souza's got a hand full of grit, Snake raising the shovel above his head again, Souza quickly spinning round, lying on his back throwing the grit into Snake's face.

F: Good aim, he's got Snake in the eyes causing him to drop the shovel and cover his eyes in pain.

Souza now looking for a weapon of his choice.

C: Souza has removed the head from the snowman and, making a fool of Snake, he's shoved it on his head! Damn you Souza, making a fool of Snake, oh, you'll get it!

F: Well if making a fool of Snake bothers you, you're going to hate this. Souza is now wrapping Christmas lights and tinsel around Snake, he is stuck and looking stupid...HAHAHAHA!

C: Shut up Fairbanks! Shut up!

F: ...HAHAHAHA....*clears throat*...Souza now with a Yule log, swings it with all his strength behind it, knocking Snake down..OW! Could this get any worse? Snake has landed on the holly.

C: Snake will kick ass soon enough, just you wait

F: Cause he is doing such a good job so far right!? HAHAHAHA

C: Souza going for the cover...1,2, kick out. Souza is now looking for more to punish Snake, come on Snake, come on.

F: Sit down Creed, you're not going to help.

C: He doesn't need my help.

F: THEN SIT DOWN! Thank you, now watch the match. Snake has some how squirmed his way out of the decorations and has pulled the snowman head off. Souza not knowing he's out, is still looking for something else to punish his opponent.

C: This is it, come on Snake, you show him.

F: Snake creeping up behind him, has picked up a safety road sign...

C: That's what I'm talking about, Snake just hit Souza across the back with the sign making him lad in the back of Santa's sleigh, look at him, the big tough guy lying among the presents, he should stay there if he values his life.

F: Or get out and kick ass even more. Which is what he seems to be doing. Souza turning round to look Snake in the face...

C: And Snake one step ahead, the Christmas reef has just been shoved over Souza's head, making him stumble around trying to gather his bearings.

F: Souza seems to be using his initiative, he can't see but he is looking for something to protect himself.

C: The best way to protect himself is to just give up now!

F: That's not his style. He is still looking for something, Snake is laughing too much to realize what Souza is doing.

C: What does that clown think he is doing?

F: Well, this is interesting. Souza has grabbed hold of Randolph who is screeching with laughter.

R: HEHEHE, You're tickling me!

F: Souza doesn't know what he's got. Snake is still laughing.

C: Souza can see where Snake is through the gaps in the reef.

F: Which is good, cause Randolph has just gone for flying lessons.

C: Damn it, Snake should have been paying attention. Randolph the mischievous little brat has knocked Snake down.

F: Souza going for the pin..1,2,3

C: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Winner via pinfall - "Bad Karma" RJ Souza

Buffy vs Chaz

Star on the Tree Match

F: Welcome back. That was quite a match between "Bad Karma" and Snake. And I'm sure our next match will be just as exciting.

C: I'm sure it will. Is it a bra and panties match? I'm really hoping for that. I even asked Santa.

Santa: Ho-ho-ho.

F: That's not Santa and get off his lap. That is the guy we hired to entertain the kids between matches.

C: What? So I'm guessing that is not a Mr. Microphone in his pocket either.

F: I highly doubt it.

C: EWWWW!

F: I have been informed that tonight's match will be a put the Star on the Tree match.

C: NO, I want a bra and panties match.

F: The stipulations of this match are similar to a ladder match, except there will be a Christmas tree outside the ring and a plastic star must be put on top of the tree. Here comes our first high flyer now. Chaz is making his way to the ring without the rest of the crew.

C: And here comes my favorite and yes, she is wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit. I with the skirt was a little shorter though.

F: Buffy catches up to Chaz before they get to the ring and nails him in the back with a clothesline. Chaz goes down hard.

C: I know I would if I saw her in that outfit.

F: Creed, will you behave?

C: Hey, quit massaging my shoulders, Santa. Get out of here.

F: Buffy picks Chaz up and rolls him into the ring. She goes straight for the ladder and puts it in the ring?

C: Maybe she doesn't understand the rules of the match. See she isn't even trying to set the ladder up.

F: No, she just dropped it on Chaz's head. Buffy is climbing the ropes and comes off with a legdrop on the ladder. That hurt both of them. Buffy is holding her leg and Chaz is rolling around holding his face.

C: His nose appears to be bleeding. Buffy goes for the ladder again. Chaz is back up and he grabs Buffy by the hair and slams her head down on the ladder. He has busted her open now.

F: Both are on their feet and trading punches which will not work in Buffy's favor. Chaz gains the upper hand and slams Buffy to the match. He drops an elbow on her. Now he is walking around the ring getting into it with the crowd.

C: Chaz grabs the ladder and heads for the outside. He is setting the ladder up by the tree. Chaz starts climbing the ladder. Hey didn't he forget the star?

F: He did and I don't think he knows it yet. He has reached the top. WHAT THE HELL???? Buffy just climbed to the top turnbuckle and hit and crossbody on Chaz. Both of them just fell about twenty feet to the floor.

C: Well, we've got some time to kill now because neither one of them is going to be moving for a long time.

F: Maybe not, but here comes Thug and Snake. The Crew are about to make their presence felt.

C: Hey, where are you going Santa?

F: Maybe you scared him off, Creed.

C: Shut up.

F: Thug and Snake have picked up Buffy and rolled her back in the ring. They have helped Chaz up and have given him the star. Chaz begins to climb the ladder while Thug and Snake stomp away on Buffy in the ring.

C: Santa Claus has just hit the ring. He takes that bag he is carrying and nails Thug with it. Thug dropped like a rock. Santa kicks Snake in the stomach and lays him out with a DDT. Man, they must have been really bad this year because it looks like Santa is pissed at them.

F: For the last time, that is not Santa Claus. He is reaching into that bag and pulls something out and hands it to Buffy. Is that?

C: Yes it is one of the tag title belts. Santa is pulling off his beard. It's Faith. Santa Claus was Faith. Hey, I was sitting on her lap a minute ago and that was a Mr. Microphone. Mark that one off the wish list.

F: Buffy gets back on the turnbuckle and leaps off hitting Chaz in the head with the tag belt. Chaz slumps over the top of the ladder. Buffy drops the title on the ground and picks up the fallen star. She starts climbing the ladder. She can't quite reach the top with Chaz on the ladder. Wait, she is standing on Chaz. Buffy puts the star on the top of the tree and the ref calls for the bell.

C: I was sitting on Faith's lap. Do you have any idea what that means?

F: Buffy is moving on in the tournament.

C: No, she likes me. She really likes me.

F: We'll be right back folks.

Winner - Buffy

Satanic Satan vs Joey Love

Drop the Soap Match

Fairbanks: Our next match is a UCW original. Earlier this week, President Felicity hand picked this match for our next two wrestlers.

Creed: What in the world was she thinking. That this match even saw the light of day in the now infamousGay Bandit verses Star King match beats me, but to bring it back, and in a World Title tournament, it's beyond me.

F: I don't know,I thought this match would be right up your alley if you know what I mean.

C: You know you're a bastard don't you.

F: For those of you who don't know what Jack Creed and I are talking about let me enlighten you.The next match on tonights pay-per-view pits Joey Love against Satanic Satan in what can only be called one of the wrestling worlds "gayest" matches. Tonight, these two men will compete in a "Drop The Soap" match to see who will go on into the second round of the UCW title tournament. So without further ado,let us now go to California to the world famous Folsom State Prison where we join our collegues Korbin Johnson and Marv Adams who will explain the stipulations of the match as well as calling the action of the match.

C: I don't think I can watch this.

F: Take it away Korbin and Marv.

Scene switches to show the inside of a prison shower. The walls,what you can see through the prisoners that line them, is a grungy white. The camera pans until it comes to the announcers table where Korbin Johnson and Marv Adams sit along with someone who we can't quite make out.

Johnson: Thanks James and Jack. Tonight we have a special treat for the fans of UCW, joining us at the announcers table is none other than Hollywood personality and leading man, Robert Downey Jr., say hello to the fans Robert.

RDJ: Hello.

Adams: Out on work release huh Jr..

J: Marv, please,be nice to our guest. So Robert,you a big fan of UCW?

RDJ: Actually,I never watch wrestling, violence makes my skin crawl, but a man dressed in a super heroes costume said that if I knew what was good for me that I had better say I love the UCW or else I would be reliving one of my worst Jail time experiences and he had just the native American to see that the Job got done.

J: Is that a yes?

RDJ: Yes.

J: There you have it fans, another unsolicited endorsement of UCW by one of Hollywood's movers and shakers, so Marv, tell the folks at home the stipulations for our match.

A: You have the company logo stamped on your butt , don't you?

J: Of course, doesn't everybody?

A: Just stay away from me after the broadcast you hear. Tonight ladies and gentlemen, the only way to lose the match is if one of the wrestlers drops the bar of soap that both wrestlers are being given backstage even as we speak,no pinfalls,no submissions,just get the soap out of your opponents hands and you win the match.

J: Seems simple enough, lets get to the match. Now making his way to the,,, we don't seem to have a ring here.

A: Felicity wanted to make this as realistic as possible,so this contest will be fought in it's natural setting,a prison shower. Any fond memeries you care to share with the viewers there Robbie, after all, I'm sure that the bar of soap fell out of your hands more than a few times while you were incarcerated.

RDJ: Don't remind me. I'll probably have to have intensive therapy after tonight just to help me shove the demons back behind the walls that I had erected to help me forget the awlful,,memories.

J: That's nice. I see that Satanic Satan is making his way through the crowd of prisoners. So there just going to fight in the shower here?

A: Yes.

J: Right on the floor there?

A: Yes.

J: Right there with the prisoners standing around watching as the two wrestlers beat the heck out of each other?

A: That's right.

J: Has anybody really thought this through,I mean this could be dangerous,what with all the blood shed and violence going on,,,

A: Oh you big baby, quit worrying, I-bolts have been sunk two and a half feet deep into the already re-enforced concrete wall and a chain has been run through shackles around the both of each prisoners ankles, then through the numerous I-bolts along the walls, The chain, which is capable of holding up to twenty-five tons, was pulled tight, thus restricting each prisoners movements to almost nothing, at least where their feet are concerned. Their arms and hands where left free so that way they could cheer and clap, ok.

J: Fine. But what has all that got to do with all the mold and scum on the shower floor. With that filth and an open wound, someone could be looking at a nasty infection you know.

A: Wha,,,you,,,,errrrr,,,,

J: Look, one of the prisoners just smackes SS on the ass as he was making his way through the crowd.

RDJ: That's Big Tim.

A: Why do they call him Big Tim, for his immense size and bulk, he is almost as big as SS.

RDJ: You could say it's for his size and bulk.

J: They're fighting. Look here comes the guards to break them up.

A: They look to be using Mace to try and get through the prisoners to where the fight is.

J: One of the guards just sprayed SS in the eyes with his Mace. SS is thrashing around like a wild bull now and taking out prisoners and guards alike with his wild punches.

A: He had better not do that,,, too late.

J: In an attempt to rid his eyes of the Mace, SS used both hands to wipe his eyes with, forgetting that he had soap in one. That must really sting now. SS has gone crazy and is starting to lash out at anything that comes near him including the ref who had a water hose so SS could rinse out his eyes.

A: Hey Downey, Big Tim just blew you a kiss, is there something between you two that we need to know about?

J: Here comes Joey Love.

A: What is that wall of flesh with him

J: That would be the lovely and vivacious Truby Gertner.

A: She's wearing duck tape across her boobs and a thong, seems to keep the inmates away from Love though.

RDJ: Prison love is a sad and bittersweet thing.

J: Joey Love makes his way unimpeded through the prisoners who are standing in rapturous awe of the beauty that is Trudy.

RDJ: I have never been that wasted.

A: Unfortunately, neither is he.

RDJ: You mean that he is sober and saying those things,,, about"her".

A: Yep. Lets just concentrate on the wrestling action, like the way Love has taken the water hose and is spraying it into the face of SS thus depriving Satan of the oxygen that he needs to fight back.

RDJ: Isn't that illegal.

A: Normally it would be, but tonight,because of the special surroundings, the match has a no DQ stipulation. That is why special referee Gary Coleman didn't disqualify SS when he hit him, and that is why Love isn't being disqualified for using the water hose to choke Satan down with.

RDJ: Is that also the reason he isn't disqualifying Mr.Love for having that Trudy "woman" sit on poor Mr. Satan's face.

A: No, I'd say that he is just afraid that if she gets off SS that she will come after him next.

J: You two shouldn't talk about that delicate flower of womanhood that way, LOOK, Joey Love is trying to pry SS's bar of soap out of his hand, he almost has it, wait, a prisoner just stumbled into Joey knocking him off Satan. Did you see who the prisoner was?

A: No, the guy had a scarf wrapped around his head and pulled down low over his face.

J: Trudy has gotten up and gone into the crowd to look for the man. That gives Satan a chance to catch his breath but not much, here comes Joey Love. Love stomps on Satan's head, Love picks Satan up and body slams him back to the tiled floor. Love straddles Satan and starts to pound on his head. Coleman is hesitant to stop Love. Where is Todd Bridges when you need him?

A: Love picks up Satan again. Love sets Satan up for the Blindsider,,,

RDJ: It is easy to be blind sided by love in prison.

J: Especially with Trudy Gertner around.

A: Speaking of Ms.Gertner, she has just chased the man who bumped into Joey Love earlier. The man runs by Joey, shoving him into the path of Trudy. The two fall to the floor with Trudy falling on Joey's leg. Joey looks to be in a lot of pain. Trudy gets up and starts to chase that inmate again, stepping on Joey's leg again in the process.

RDJ: Is her butt cheeks suppose to be rotating in different directions when she runs.

J: Such talent, and all in such an attractive package.

A: I think that I had rather watch a Gay Bandit match than see that woman run, where was I, Satan has gotten to his feet and though still a bit green around the gills from the move Trudy had on him earlier, he goes after the injured leg of Joey Love. Satan grabs the leg and drops a big elbow on that hurt leg. He gets up and drops another elbow on that leg, and another, and another, and another. Satan gets to his feet and stands over a badly hurt Joey Love taunting him. Satan starts to smack Love on his head. Satan stomps on the hand that Love is holding the soap with trying to get Joey to drop it,,,What's that, no,no, oh ok, I'll give it to him. Here Johnson, some guy gave me this to hand to you.

Marv hands Korbin a slip of folded paper.

A: So what does it say?

J: .........................................

A: What was that, I couldn't hear you.

A: You'll have to speak up Korbin, I still couldn't hear you.

A: I don't know, your lips seem a bit thin to me, what do you think Robert?

RDJ: Yeah, they are a bit thin,, WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!

J: Look out!!!!!!!!

A: Satan has just slammed Joey Love on and through the announcers table. Satan picks Love up, and runs him head first through the ranks of prisoners and into the shower wall.

RDJ: I haven't seen that much blood since Lefty McGill's first,mmm, experience in bunk sharing.

A: Ever heard of the phrase "too much imformation". Satan picks up a bloodied Joey Love and puts him in the rack. Joey looks to be in a lot of pain but he is clutching his bar of soap for all that he is worth.

J: Trudy, my sweet.

A: Trudy has made her way to where the action is going on. She looks concerned for Joey who is slipping fast and could drop his soap any minu,,,GOOD LORD I'M BLIND!!!!!!!!!!!

RDJ: I,,,sick,,,gonna,,,BRRUUHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J: Ah, the forbidden fruit.

A: Forbidden fruit my ass, more like a dead elephant carcass!

RDJ: Has anybody else noticed the sudden appearence of all these flies.

A: Satan has dropped Joey Love after Trudy flashed her beaver at him, is it me or is Satan green in the face again. Joey climbs to his feet as Satan stumbles around. Love waits for Satan to turn then hits him with the Blindsider. Satans bar of soap flies out of his hands but wait, there is that inmate again and he has grabbed SS's soap out of mid-air and dropped it back onto Satan's prone body. Is that legal?

J: I don't know.

RDJ: Well, technically, for the move to work, the soap has to hit the floor.

J: The ref hasn't called for the bell yet so the match must still be in progress.

A: Joey Love has started to yell at the inmate who helped Satan out. The man seems to be ignoring Love as he motions for Trudy to come over. Perplexed Trudy walks over to where the man and Joey Love are. Love is still livid and yelling at the man, wait, Love yanks the inmates Scarf off of his head,, IT'S KAMCHANTABERRY AMBERGREE!!!!!!!!!!!! Kam grabs Joey and Trudy's heads and shoves them together in a kiss. LOVE HAS DROPPED HIS SOAP, and now his lunch hits the floor too.

J: Gary Coleman calls for the bell and awards the match to Satanic Satan.

A: Ambergree has used the confusion that ensued after the kiss to make his escape .He is nowhere to be found. Gary Coleman helps Satanic Satan to his feet and raises a groggy Satan's arm in victory as the EMT's rush to Joey Loves aid. Well that looks to be it for this match, so, for Korbin Johnson and Robert Downey,,,uh Robert, Big Tim looks to be headed your way and he has a certain gleam in his eye so if I was you I'd,,, where did he go, oh well, for Korbin Johnson, Robert Downey Jr. and Gary Coleman, this is Marv Adams saying so long from Folsom State Prison.

J: I wonder if I can get Trudy's phone number?

Winner - Satanic Satan

"UniversalHearthrob" Jack Heart Vs. Pyromaniac

The arena house lights dim as Felicity steps on the stage. She waves to the crowd, spins the Gimmick Wheel. The camera focus sharpens to a close-up of the board as it stops on ... IRON MAN MATCH.

Felicity holds up a hand held steam iron.

The two men shake hands and the match is underway. Pyro gets a quick side headlock, but Heart picks him up and hits an Atomic Drop. Heart hits with a running clothesline that takes Pyro into the ropes. A follow up Cactus clothesline takes both men over the top rope.

Creed: Heart seems to have landed awkwardly on his ankle. What do you think Ozzy?

Ozzy: Uh, yes...the...and...MY GOD...it is horrible...gotta a light?

Pyro takes advantage of a limping Jack Heart, he kicks viciously at his gut, doubling him over. Referee Nick Thompson starts the count...1...2...3. Pyro slides into the ring as Heart tries to catch his breath. Ace Diamond comes over and confers with Heart. He cautiously re-enters the ring as Pyro is distracted by Ace yelling insults from the
outside.

Creed: It was right here just a minute ago,Ozzy,you seen it.

Ozzy: (bleep)(bleep)kids,always(bleep)leaving there(bleep)(bleep)junk around(bleep)It's in front of the table here.

Ozzy: Yes.

Fairbanks: But you shoved it onto the floor after Jack Heart had done dropped his,right?

Ozzy: Bloody hell, I don't know, I'm a rock star not a damn replay analyzer Jim.

Fairbanks: And you don't need to be one Ozzy, you see, UCW has set up replay booths for the matches tonight and if the ref feels the need to, he my use one to help him make the call when the outcome of a match isn't so clear.

Creed: That's all we need, something to slow down the matches and take the human element out of it.

Fairbanks: Be that as it may, there is alot riding on these matches, so we want to be sure to get it right, some organizations don't give a damn who there champion is, hell, it could be someone sleeping with the bosses daughter for all they care, but you won't get the here at UCW.

Creed: You wouldn't happen to have any photos of the bosses daughter would you, clothing optional of course.

Fairbanks: No, I would not,now be quiet, here comes the ref with the call.

Referee: After reviewing the tape,it appears that Pyro's iron hit the floor before Jack Hearts so the decision is reversed and Jack Heart is the winner.

Fairbanks: Oh my, what a reversal of fortunes for Pyro. It seems that Ozzy Osbourne has cost him the match after he shoved Pyro's iron onto the floor before Jack Heart dropped his. Well, that's it for tonight. Everyone out in UCW land have a safe and happy holiday and we shall see you again real soon. For everybody here at It's A Wonderful Life, this is James Fairbanks saying good night and God bless us, each and every one. Good night folks.

Creed: Know of anybody that has some nudies of the daughter.

Winner - Jack Heart