Prez Boot: Hello wrestling fans and welcome to a very special Monday Mayhem. Unfortunately Felicity is away for a while so we have a special guest play by play commentator for tonight. He's the star of the Evil Dead movies, he's also the king of one liners, Bruse Campbell. Welcome to Ultimate Championship Wrestling Bruce.
Bruce: Thanks Boot, it's great to be here. And I have to thank you for choosing me over some of the more obvious choices.
Prez Boot: Yeah, well, pretty much.
Bruce: What do you mean, pretty much?
Prez Boot: Well, Jim Ross and Joey Stiles couldn't make it.
Bruce: Well, at least I was third in mind, right?
Prez Boot: Third? Tenth? do number's really matter?
Bruce: Tenth? Who were the other eight people?<.p>
Prez Boot: Nobody really, Jerry Lawler, Joel Gertner, Tony Schivonne, Scot Hudson, Vince McMahon, Michael Cole, Stevie Ray, and Mark Maddon. Bruce: Sorry, I didn't catch that last one. Prez Boot: Mark Madhmphrgh!! Bruce: Mark who? Prez Boot: (sigh) Mark Maddon Bruce: Mark Maddon? You called Mark Maddon before me? Prez Boot: C'mon Bruse, give us a line. Maybe a "Clato, Varada, Nhmrgh." Bruce: I can't believe you actually wanted Mark Maddon. Prez Boot: How 'bout a "Shop Smart, shop S-Mart." Bruce: But Mark Maddon? Prez Boot: Enough about that, let's get to the match. Prez Boot: Well, here comes Axeman to start the opening match tonight. He looks focused. So working on any new movie's Bruce? Bruce: Nah, I've just been reading a lot of scrips lately. You know, it's cheaper than actually going to the movies. Prez Boot: I'm sure, well Axeman is in the ring and here comes Jack Frost. Bruce: Hey Boot, do you got any chestnuts? Prez Boot: Come again now? Bruce: You know, chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Prez Boot: (with a blank expression) ?????? Bruce: Never mind, the two guys are in the ring and are punching each other. And now one of them throws the other guy across the ring and hits him with a . . . . . . what do you call that? It's called a back body drop. Axeman follows that up with a drop kick, he goes for the pin, 1 . . . Not even a two count. Bruce: Axeman picks up Frosty and gives him a headbutt. He kicks him in the gut and what's that move called? Prez Boot: It's a ddt. Axeman climbs the top rope and lands a guillotine leg drop across the throat of Jack Frost. Now he gets him in a canadian cross face. Bruce: He's slapping the floor, what's that mean? Prez Boot: That means he gives up, Axeman won the match. Bruce: That's it? Kinda quick wasn't it? Prez Boot: That's how some matches go, where are you going Bruce? Bruce: I gotta go and, uhhhhhh, water the lawn. Prez Boot: At 10:00 PM? Bruce: Yeah, I won't have time tommorrow, sorry about that. I guess I should have told you, later! Prez Boot: Well, our guest commentator is gone so I'll have to do the card by myself. Prez Boot: Once again I'd like to apologize to all you Bruce Campbell fans but Bruse had some important business to attend to. Pyro blasts and Wolf makes his way to the ring, boy, what a monster. I'm glad that I'm not in the ring with him today, on account of my ingrown toenail. Otherwise I'd show him how a real big man wrestles. He'd regret stepping into the ring with all 6'8" 324 lbs of Boot. Prez Boot: Ooops, I think he heard me. But here comes Hari Kari, hardy compares in size but he makes up for that shortcoming in speed and ability. Hari Kari jumps opn the apron and springboards off the top rope into a drop kivks to the face of Wolf. Prez Boot: That hurt him, Wolf stumbles back and Hari Kari delivers another drop kick to Wolf's knee. But Wolf still doesn't go down. Hari Kari tries for a huricannrana but Wolf counters it into a sit down powerbomb. Wolf pins the shoulders, 1 . . . 2 . . . It's way too early as Hari Kari kicks out. Wolf doesn't seem to think that Hari Kari is a match for him. Prez Boot: Hari Kari keeps lunging at Wolf but Wolf keeps pushing him down like he was a rag doll. Finally, Wolf sends Hari Kari to the mat with a big headbutt. Wolf jumps into the air to go for an elbow drop but Hari Kari rolls to one side, avoiding the contact. Prez Boot: Hari Kari takes advantage of Wolf's mistake and begins to stomp on the big man. Hari Kari climbs the top turnbuckle and lands a tornado ddt. He then goes for a standing side kick but Wolf catches and holds his foot. Before Wolf can do anything Hari Kari rocks him with an enzigury. Prez Boot: Wolf backs into the corner and Hari Kari jumps in for the big splash, but Wolf catches him by the throat and chokeslams him hard into the canvass. But instead of going for the pin he signals that he's going for another one. He picks up Hari Kari and grabs him by the throat. But before Wolf can slam Hari Kari down he rakes Wolf's eyes. Prez Boot: Wolf drops his opponent and stumbles around in a blind rage. Hari Kari taps Wolf on the shoulder and quickly darts behing Wolf as he swings a haymaker. Hari Kari knocks Wolf down to one knee with a three kick combo followed by a spinning heel kick. Prez Boot: Wolf falls head first into the ring post. Hari Kari goes for the lateral press, 1 . . . 2 . . . 3! What an upset, the rookie Hari Kari takes down the monster Wolf. I guess Wolf wouldn't mind his Hells Fire pals right about now. Prez Boot: What the? Russel is comming down the runway. But he isn't scheduled to fight today? In fact, he hasn't fought since we signed his lazt *ss. No, don't give him a mike god dammit!! Russel: When I came here I said I was going to be the flagship of UCW, and I wasn't lying. I ain't gonna tell you where I've been gone cause it's none of your damn business. Why should I be the flagship you ask? I'm better than all of the flagships of other feds, that's why! I'm better than The Rock, I'm better than Goldberg, I'km even better than . . . . . . who was that guy? The one that was here last week? Yeah, Rob Grayson, that's it. He was the flagship of ICW right? Well, yeah, I'm even better than Rob Grayson!! Prez Boot: WHAT!!! That little, hold on, the lights just went out. The lights come back on and we can see a man on the balcony, it's Rob Grayson!! The lights go again, they come back and there's Rob Grayson still staring into the very soul of Russel. Thie lights fade a third time, but when they return Rob Grayson is standing directly behind Russel. Prez Boot: Russel turns and comes face to face with the living legend Rob Grayson. He makes a wild swing which Grayson easily avoids. He swings again but Rob catches his fist and squeezes hard, driving Russel to one knee in agony. Rob then whips Russel into the corner and nails a big splash. Russel stumbles forward into a death drop. Prez Boot: Rob pulls Russel to one corner and lays him against the ring post. He looks at me and throws me a black marker. Boot get's up from the announcers table and grabs a steel chair, he writes something the seat of the chair and holds it in front of Russels face. Meanwhile Rob Grayson climbs the opposing turnbuckle and jumps across to kick the steel chair into the face of Russel. Whatever was written on the chair was transfered to Russel's face. It reads: "!DERIF UOY" Rob Grayson: What the f*ck! Boot, you we're supposed to write it backwards! Prez Boot: Backwards? Oh crap!!!! Dammit, the lights are gone again. Somebody call an electrician or something. Nevermind, the lights are back, but where's Rob? What? Commercial? Now? Uhhhh, sorry fans but we have to cut to a short commercial break, don't go away, our main event is next. Prez Boot: And the crowd seems less than impressed as Falcon and Raine make their way to the ring. Come to think of it, the crowd's been pretty quiet all night. Falcon slides into the ring and waits for his adversary. Prez Boot: The crowd wakes up slightly as the newest face here in UCW makes his debut. He wears a skull mask over his face, guess he fell out of the ugly tree or something. Prez Boot: AP seems hesitant to enter the ring, knowing his opponent could get the early advantage. But thanks to a little forethought AP throws a handfull of a white powder into Falcon's eyes. But since the match hasn't officially started he can't be penalized for it. Prez Boot: AP slides into the ring and begins to pummel Falcon. He backs Falcon into the ropes and whips him across the ring, on his way back Falcon finds himself on the receiving end of a back elbow from AP. Prez Boot: Falcon gets up only to recieve a jaw breaker followed by a clothesline. Boy, AP getting pretty cocky now, he climbs the turnbuckle and showboats to the crowd. He perches on the top rope and tries for a diving headbutt, but Falcon rolls out of the way in the nick of time!!!! Prez Boot: Falcon gets up and stomps on the already hurt AP. Falcon picks him up and unleashed a devestating array of chops to the chest. He whips AP into the corner and goes for a big splash. He whips him into the opposite corner and hits another splash. Prez Boot: And as if that wasn't punishment enough he sets him up for a third splash. But AP gets the foot up and stops Falcon in his tracks. AP stands on the middle turnbuckle and waits for his opponent to stumble into position. And a big tornado ddt by AP!!!! Prez Boot: Falcon is down, AP hooks the leg, but this is an "I quit" match. The only way to win is to make your opponent say I quit. AP realized his folley and gets Falcon in an ankle lock. Falcon writhes in pain but manages to reach the ropes to break the hold. Prez Boot: AP picks Falcon up again and delivers a standing drop kick. Falcon backs into the ropes and bounces off right into a hip toss. AP grabs Falcon's leg, I think he's trying for a figure four! But Falcon kicks AP off and Raine pulls down the top rope, causing AP to fall to the outside. Prez Boot: Falcon gets to his feet and signals to the crowd that he's attempting a high risk move. He backs up a few steps and starts running. AP has something in his hands, Falcon dives over the top rope only to be blinded by a fire extinguisher. Prez Boot: Unable to see Falcon lands very awkwardly and twists his ankle. Raine tells the referee to end the match but he can't until Falcon quits. Raine pleads with Falcon to quit but he refuses. Falcon tries to stand but falls right back down, finally, with no chance to win Falcon says the majic words, "I Quit!" Prez Boot: The referee calls for the bell and raises AP's hand. Trainers and Emergency Personell run in from the back and load Falcon onto a stretcher. And we're out of time, join us Thursday when we'll have yet another guest commentator.Axeman vs. Jack Frost
Rookie Match
Winner - Axeman
Won by submission
Wolf vs. Hari Kari
Standard Match
Winner - Hari Kari
Won by three count
Falcon vs. American Psycho
I quit match
Winner - American Psycho
Falcon said "I Quit"