Chaz vs "New Age" Eric Swihardt

Standard Match

Fairbanks: Its all kicking off here at UCW Mayhem. I’m James Fairbanks,

Creed: I’m Jack Creed of course.

F: This is UCW broadcasting, so lets get going. Our first match up tonight is between a former Tag Team Champion here at UCW, formerly one half of Youth in Asia, Chaz. A keen fighter from Mongolia, Chaz has already had an impact here and must be hoping to continue it here tonight. As Chaz comes down the ring here’s our new recruit to UCW, "New Age" Eric Swiheart, Swiharr... how do you say that?

C: Who cares? As the rookie gets into the ring the bell goes and straight away Chaz tears into the newcomer with rights hooks but the newbee givers them right back. Chaz gets the advantage though and beats him onto the ropes, he whips him off into a clothesline on the return. Eric tries to get up but Chaz sets a reverse chinlock on him. The referee checks it to make sure its legal. Chaz holds it on for a few seconds then releases. He pulls Eric up by the right arm then twists it round into an arm wrench. A kick to the right knee sees Eric go down onto his left.

F: Chaz now elbow smashes that arm but Eric punches him in the stomach once, then twice, three times to break the hold. Eric quickly capitalises with a belly to belly suplex. Quick cover, 1-2 kick out by Chaz. Eric pulls him up and sets him for a vertical suplex which he pulls off perfectly. Chaz struggling to get up and as he does Eric supplies two right hands to the face then locks on a full nelson.

C: Chaz starts to get up as Eric locks the full nelson on tighter to try and keep him down but Chaz is up on both feet now. He suddenly throws his weight forward which sends the new boy over his back. Eric is left sitting up so Chaz dropkicks him in the base of the spine. Chaz now lifts up the prone new boy and hits a Canadian backbreaker, followed by a cover. 1-2 kick out by Eric. Chaz gets him up and starts beating on him with right hands. Eric ends up on the turnbuckle where Chaz mounts him for a ten punch 1-2-3-4-5-

F: Wait, Eric suddenly moves out of the turnbuckle taking Chaz’s legs with and sending Chaz face first onto the top turnbuckle. Both men are now dazed. Eric wanders into the middle of the ring leaving the stunned Chaz at the turnbuckle. As Eric starts to compose himself Chaz gets up on his feet. Eric spots him and lines him. Chaz is now facing Eric who charges at him to hit a spear but Chaz moves aside at the last second and Eric sails pass into the turnbuckle smashing his shoulder on it. Eric pushes himself out clutching his shoulder with his back to Chaz.

C: Who grabs him from behind and hits a German suplex pin. He holds it on. 1-2-3 game over man.

Winner – Chaz

By Pinfall

F: Chaz picking up his first win in singles competition since the Youth in Asia split. Eric Swihardt, there I got it out, will have to go off and get ready to face another challenge another day. Chaz walks back up the ring with both hands in the air in victory. A good night for him.

Jack Heart vs The Mad Maple vs Suicide vs Satanic Satan

Hardcore Title Match

Fairbanks: Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have the honor of having two of Hollywoods finest sitting here at the announcer table to help us call the match for the UCW Hardcore title.  

Creed: I wasn't informed of this.

F: Your point.

C: As head announcer, I should be kept abreast of these things.

F: First. you aren't the head announcer and second, no, no I'm not going to go there tonight. Ladies and gentle men, it is my pleasure to introduce to you a man who really needs no introduction, the star of stage and screen, both big and small, here he is the A-teams on, Mr. T

C: So, Mr. T, mind if I call you T?

MR. T: Yes!

F: And also, from the hit movie, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, , ,

C: Drew Barrymore!

MR. T: Drew Barrymore!

F: Drew Barrymore.

C: Yes, boobs.

F: No, it's E.T. .

C: WHAT, no Drew, no boobs, damn it this ain't right.

F: Oh, I think we have the boob department covered.

E. T. : E.T.  PHONE HOME.

MR. T: Better use 1-800 COLLECT fool, it will save them a buck or two!

C: You're an ass.

MR. T: WHAT?

C: Not you, Fairbanks.

F: Let's get to the match before this descends any further into madness. Three of tonights competitors in the Hardcore fatal fourway are already in the ring and as"WHATTA MAN"comes over the P. A. system, that can only mean one thing.

E.T. : ELLIOTT.

F: No, it means Jack Heart, UCW Hardcore champion, is making his way to the ring.

MR. T: I PITTY THE FOOL!

F: Yes, Jack does have his work cut out for him tonight.

C: Me, why me?

F: Not you, I was talking about Heart. His three opponents are looking to win their first gold here in UCW, add the fact that all three have some kind of personal ax to grind with the champion and that can mean only one thing.

C: Bullseye painted on his back.

F: And it's a big one.

C: Shouldn't Heart already be out here.

F: Now that you mention it, he should.

C: Hey, the camera man standing on the apron behind Suicide has a sledgehammer, MY GOD, he just busted the back of Suicides head open with it.

E.T. : ET, OUCH.

F: I'd say, wait, that isn't a camera man, that's Jack Heart who just took out Suicide.

C: Would you look at all the blood.

MR. T: I think I'm going to be sick.

C: Make sure to do it in Fairbanks' direction.

F: You're all heart Creed. Both Mad Maple and Satanic Satan rush Heart. Heart takes a swing at SS with that sledgehammer but SS ducks it and Heart is thrown off balance. He is toddering on the edge of the ring apron.

C: MM with a beautifully executed drop kick to the back of Heart that sends him flying off the ring apron and into the crown barrier.

E.T. : E.T. , , ,

F: Yes, we know, ouch, SS has hoisted up the unconscious Suicide and know has him in a military press. Lord, SS just walk over to the ropes and threw Suicide to the floor below.

MR. T: I pity the fool, cause now he can't use 1-800 COLLECT to call himself an ambulance.

C: I don't think he needs an ambulance. I think he needs a meat wagon because that's about all he is now.

F: Could be, but the recovering Jack Heart has seen him and seeing as how falls count anywhere in a hardcre matchHeart is crawling over and covering Suicide for the pin.

C: The ref has seen Heart and slides outside the ring to administer the three count but wait, MM has seen Heart too and raking SS across the eyes the blind him, MM then does a drop kick into the knees of SS causing the big man to fall. MM then clasps the top rope and catapults over it to land on Heart and thus break the count.

E.T. : That man is crazy.

F: What?

C: What?

MR. T: WHAT?

E.T. : uh, E. T. PHONE HOME.

F: SS has rolled out of the ring and picking up Jack Hearts sledgehammer, brings the handle down over the head of MM busting MM head open and shattering the handle.

C: Oh oh, I think SS just pissed Heart off in a big way.

MR. T: That boy better use 1-800 COLLECT to call his momma cause I think the fool is about to get his butt stomped.

F: I believe Mr. T may be right. Heart tears into SS with a vengence and the big man goes down under the onslaught. Now a groggy MM has gotten to his feet and joined the melee.

C: With the other two distracted, he just should have fell across Suicide and he would have been the hardcore champ by now, hey, why are they coming this way.

F: I have no idea but it does appear that the fight is headed our way, whoa nelly, the three have just tumbled over the announcers table and into our celeberty announcers.

C: It looks as if MM and SS are relieving Mr. T of his gold chains.

MR. T: GIVE THOSE BACK YOU 1-800 CALL ATT PIECES OF SHITS.

C: MM and SS wrap the chains around their fists and start to trade blows. Would you look at the blood fly, you know, after this SS may be too busted up for Faiths taste so I may have to console her.

F: That will be the day.

C: It could happen, Hey, what is Jack Heart doing with E. T. ?

F: It appears that he is rubbing the aliens belly at a rather fast rate.

C: My, would you look at the way that light thingy on the end of E. T. s finger is starting to glow. It just keeps getting brighter and brighter.

E. : E.T. lllliiikkkeeessss.

F: The glow from that finger is so bright that it is hard to see what is going on.

C: I'll say. I wonder why Heart is doing that for?

F: It looks as if we are about to find out. Heart advances on the other two wrestlers as they battle it out, unaware of the harm the stalks their way. Heart comes up behind MM and extends the glowing finger. With a scream and the smell of charred flesh, MM falls to the ground wimpering. Heart then tries to give SS the finger but SS backs away out of range.

C: Uh, Mr. T, I wouldn't do that.

MR. T: AAAYYYYY SHIT FOOOL OUCH 1-800 COLECT MY ASS THAT HURTS MOMMA GET ME TO A DOCTOR CAUSE JACK HEART DONE BURNT ME UP!!!

C: Well, mmmmmmmm, yep, there goes Mr. T running up the ramp. Think we'll ever have any more guest celeberties down here at the announcers table?

F: It might be difficult but there is always someone in Hollywood willing to whore themselvies out for the right price and the opportunity for some free publicity.

C: True, Hey, Buffy just jumped over the crowd barrier, she's come to whisk me away from all this.

F: You wished. Buffy has picked up the sledgehammer head from where it fell after SS broke the handle. With SS having to keep his eyes on Heart to make sure he doesn't use E. T. on him, SS doesn't see Buffy get up on the ring apron with the sledgehammer head in her hands. Buffy takes a short run and leaps.

C: SS must have heard her coming cause he turned to face her and instead of taking the shot to the back of the head, his battered skull now has a much larger hole in it from which the blood can flow.

F: SS starts to topple over unconscious.

C: TTTIIIMMMBBBEEERRR!I was hoping to do that with MM but since he got caught in that forrest fire I had to take what opportunity I could get.

F: (sigh)I wonder if that ditch digging job that my uncle had for me when I was a teen is still open.

C: You'd miss me.

F: No I woudn't, oh well. Buffy walks over to Jack and wrapping her arms around his neck gives him a passionate kiss.

C: Me, you're suppose to be kissing me, damn it she isn't listening.

F: Buffy then hands the sledge hammer head to Heart who then walks over to where MM lies still reeling from that burn. Heat uses the sledgehammer head on MM's rib cage a few times then turns as if looking for something.

C: I believe he's found it and it looks to be Suicide.

F: Heart starts to walk towards Suicide but wait, it looks as if he is starting to raise up into the air, MY GOD, he's flying.

C: You'd fly to if Buffy kissed you like that.

F: NO, look, it's E. T. He's raising Jack Heart into the air. I wonder, Is he trying to keep Heart from hurting more people.

C: Then he should have started before Buffys kiss, the pain, the pain.

F: Will you, shut, , , up, , , look, Hearts starting to move, where is, oh, oh, he's starting to move in Suicide direction. What's going on?Heart is now directly over Suicide, wait, He just plunged down on top of Suicide, sledgehammer head first. The ref moves in and makes the three count and Jack Heart is the winner of the most unusual match that I have seen in a while.

C: Whoopie, Heart wins again. Big deal. He stole my kiss the bastard.

F: What is Heart doing now. He's gone under the ring looking for something.

C: Probably another woman that he can swap spit with. The bastard

F: Wait, he's coming back out and, and he has a bicycle with him. Look, it has a basket on the handle bars. Heart goes over to E. T. and picks him up and places him in the basket. After mounting the bike, Heart motions for Buffy who climbs on infront og Heart on the cross bar. Heart grabs the handle bars as Buffy put her arms around his neck. Then the bicycle raise up into the air till in is above the ring, the thing then starts to fly back up the ramp and after ducking so as not to bump their heads, into the back. You know, if not for all the carnage, this would have been a rather sweet ending.

C: Just shut the hell up.

Winner – Jack Heart

By Pinfall