Snake vs. Desperado

No DQ

Fairbanks: Tonight ladies and gentlemen, UCW goes hardcore. Tonight we bring you four of the division brightest stars. In our main event we have Jack Heart defending his title against Satanic Satan, who has a win over Jacks fellow stablemate and the UCW Wold champion, Kamchantaberry Ambergree. This promises to be a good one but first, in our opening match we have former hardcore champ Desperado who was victorious in his return match against a man just also recently returned to UCW, a man who some say has hardcore tatooed onto his butt, Snake. Now some of you out there may have noticed that my collegue and announce partner Jack Creed is conspicuously absent. Jack had some personal matters to take care of and will hopefully be joining us a little later. For tonight's broadcast I am being joined by fellow UCW announcer Korbin Johnson. Hello Korbin, how have you been?

Johnson: Hello James, fine, thank you.

F: So Korbin, what have you been up to lately?

J: Well, me and Marv Adams were up for the Spanish speaking announcers jobs but we got beat out retired masked luchadors from France so that deal fell through so now me and Adams come in after the matches and take the tape of the nights card and dub over it so that way UCW can export it to overseas markets were we are quickly becoming the number one wrestling promotion in certain European and Asian markets.

F: Really, which ones?

J: Lapland and Tibet are big markets for us, oh yes, they love us in Sri Lanka too.

F: You don't say.

J: Oh yes, I heard that the Dali Lama is a big Jack Heart fan.

F: You don't say, then he should just love tonights card then.

J: Probably glued to the T. V. right now, but you know, he isn't in Tibet.

F: Really.

J: Yes really, the Chinese goverment exiled him after they took over the country and now he is not allowed back into it.

F: Mmmmm, yeah, I see that our first competitor is making his way down to the ring. Snake comes down to the ring carrying a trashcan full of assorted objects to be used in tonights match-up.

J: As Snake gets into the ring Desperrado starts to make his way to the ring but he doesn't seem to have any weapons with him, do you think he knows it's a hardcore match James?

F: Every match Desperado is in is a hardcore match Korbin, as for weapons, he doesn't need to bring any with him, he's been in these types of matches for so long that anything he gets his hands on becomes a weapon. Desperado has made it to the ring and the referee for this match, Mario goes to give the men there instuctions.

J: Instructions, what is the ref thinking about, this is a hardcore match. The men don't need instructions, just a few pints of blood after the match should do.

F: You are probably right about that and it seems that the two wrestlers are foregoing the instruction phaze of the match and are going right into the beating the hell out of each other stage. Snake and Desperado meet in the center of the ring and start to trade punches. Desperado the bigger of the two men starts to gain the advantage. Snake looking to turn the tide tries to knee Desperado in the jewels but the cagey veteran sees it coming and twists, taking the blow on the outside of the thigh. Desperado then biel throws Snake to the mat.

J;Desperado advances on Snake looking to take advantage of the situation but Snake catches Desperado with a drop toe hold that sends the big man to the mat beside him. Desperado goes for a chokehold while Snake counters by clamping his teeth onto the bridge of Desperado and biting down hard.

F: The two break apart and both men get to their feet. Desperado has some blood that is starting to trickle from where Snake bit him on the nose. Snake has rolled out of the ring and has gone to get something from that trashcan he brought down to the ring with him. Straightening up, Snake comes out of the can with a broom. Desperado reaches through the ropes and from behind, grabs a handful of Snakes hair and tries to bring him back into the ring by it. Snake lashes out backwards with the broom, breaking it over Desperdos head making him let go of Snakes hair.

J: Snake throws that broom down and looks a little upset that it got broken after only one shot. He reaches back in the trashcan and pulls out a shovel. Now that will do some damage.

F: You are right about that. Snake slides back in the ring. Desperado is back up and Snake takes a swing with that shovel. Desperado ducks and kicks Snake in the gut. He grabs Snake and plants him with a DDT. Both men are down on the mat.

J: Desperado is crawling toward that shovel. He has his hand around it. He is on his knees and so is Snake. Desperado nails Snake in the back of the head with that shovel. This should be a fairly quick match. Desperado with the cover. 1..2.. SNAKE KICKED OUT! I can't believe it.

F: I'm fairly surprised myself. I didn't think he had it in him but this is UCW. Desperado can't believe that Snake kicked out either. He grabs the ref and demands his hand be raised. The ref refuses and Desperado nails the ref with a right hand.

J: This is getting ugly fast. Snake looks to be injured but is trying to get to his feet. Yes, I definitely see blood on the back of his head. Desperado picks up the shovel once again and hits Snake in the ribs. He hits Snake a second time.

F: And even if there was a ref, he wouldn't be able to stop this carnage. Snake is down and rolls out of the ring to the floor. Desperado is following him. I'm wondering why the crew isn't here. Desperado is going to kill Snake. Desperado picks Snake up but Snake has something in his hand. Is it? Yes, it's a stapler and he has just stapled the forehead of Desperado who quickly let's go of Snake. Snake kicks Desperado in..in..

J: Just say it. He kicked him in the nads. Man, that hurt from up here. Desperado is rolling around on the ground. Snake has pulled a wooden board with barbwire wrapped around it from that trashcan. All I can say is they should have made this a cage match and left out the weapons.

F: True. Snake waits for Desperado to get back up and hits him in the head with that board. Blood is pouring down Desperado's face, but Desperado smiles. This is sick. Snake rolls back in the ring. He is holding that board over his head claiming victory. Desperado is reaching under the ring. He pulls out a ... bottle of Jim Beam?

J: Well, I didn't expect that. Desperado makes it to his feet and takes a big drink. Well, at least he isn't feeling any pain. Desperado climbs back in the ring. Snake sees him and rushes at him with that board. Desperado is reaching into his tights and what did he just pull out?

F: OH MY GOD! It was a lighter. He didn't drink the liquor he just held it in his mouth. He just blew fire into Snake's face. Snake has dropped the board and is rolling around on the mat holding his face. Desperado picks Snake up and sits him on the top rope. He is going for his finisher.

J: Snake just shoved Desperado off and hits the Snake-pit. I don't see how he did it. He is still clutching his face in pain. Snake makes the cover the ref is still down. Snake rolls over to the ref and tries to wake him up. Desperado is back up and hits Snake in the head with that bottle. Desperado with the cover. The ref rolls over and starts the count. 1..2..3.. He's done it. Desperado has won the match if you can consider either man a winner in this.

Winner via pinfall - Desperado

F: Those two men are the reason that the UCW hardcore division is the best in the world and the most dangerous. We'll be back after both combatants have been removed from the ring, but first, let's take a look at some Full Frontal Nudity.

FULL FRONTAL NUDITY

Kam(muttering to self): Wished they would do something about that noisy neighbor upstairs, all that splashing around, I could hardly hear myself think.