[The pyro explodes, the fans go wild and throw their signs into the air as UCW Mostly Harmless kicks off.]
Fairbanks: Helloooooooo everyone in the house and watching at home this is UCW Mostly Harmless! Its gonna be one hell of an action packed night as we prepare for one of the most action packed shows we’ve ever had. I am of course James Fairbanks and with me is Jack Creed.
Creed: You bet I am baby.
Faith vs Rob Grayson Internet Title Match Creed: YEEEEEEEEHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fairbanks: I take it that you are happy about our next match-up? C: As happy as piece of buttered toast inbetween Dolly Partons breasts. F: That makes no sense what so ever. C: I know, I just like the image of buttered toast lying between Dollys boobs, and speaking of boobs, how have you been Fairbanks. F: Pretty good you reject from a Gay Bandit home movie. C: That was uncalled for, I , , , F: Look, it's Faith. C: Where, where, that's not Faith you idiot. That's Rob Grayson making his way down to the ring. The music alone should have told you that, I mean no-one else comes out to, , , F: Look, it's Faith. C: Oh no, I'm not falling for that one again. You can just, , , HOLLY SHIT, she's wearing that same G-string she wore in that match with, with, never mind who it was with, SHE WORE THE G-STRING. Somebody upstairs must love me. Jesus would you look at, , and, and, , , lord how I would love to be her razor. F: Creed old chum, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but that isn't a G-string she's wearing. C: What the hell are you talking about, of course it is. F: No it's not. It's a flesh colored body stocking with a G-string painted on it. C;No, , , it can't be, , it isn't, , , it, , NNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! F: While my announce collegue has his break down, let's get to the action in the ring. C: WHY, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F: Mario, the referee for this contest has called for the bell. Rob seems to be admiring Faiths outfit which she has started modeling for him. Grayson is leaned back in the corner watching as Faith prances around the ring. Now Faith has walked up to the champ and from the looks of things, has started to flirt with him. Look, Mario is getting red faced and has looked away in embarrassment. Lordy, with the ref looking else where Faith has brought her knee up into Robs jewels and dropped him like a bad habit, that had to hurt. C: HURT, hurt, no more than she hurt me. WHY, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F: Please ignor him folks. Faith puts the boot to Robs stomach driving the wind from his lungs. Faith now upon the second turn-buckle and she drops a knee across the throat of Grayson. Faith now has Rob up and whips him into the ropes, then catches him with a drop kick. C: WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT CREEVEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F: Would you shut-up please, and while you're at it, take off that damn wig with the cornrows, and wipe the white make-up off your face too. Faith now has an ankle lock applied to Grayson and the ref starts to move in to see if he wants to tap out but Rob quickly makes it over to the ropes. The size and strength advantage he has helped him there. C: There, is that better. F: Take the cowboy hat off, , and don't you even start to reach for that crown you have hidden under the table. C;You're no fun. Mark my words Fairbanks, one of these days, you're gonna become just another victim. F: Good God can it get any worse!My goodness, while we've been distracted Rob has gotten to his feet and in a rather ungentlemanly like fashion, has grabbeed a handful of Faiths hair and used it to sling her to the mat. Rob now has Faith in a rear chin lock and, and, and what the hell are you staring at me that way for? C: Fairbanks. F: WHAT?!!! C: Are you ready to play the game. ? F: NO, but I'm sure that if you called the Gay Bandit he'd be happy to play games with you. Where's Sandler when I need him. Grayson Has Faith up then snap mares her back to the canvas. Rob with a knee to the back of Faiths neck. Rob goes for a camel clutch but Faith quickly twists before Grayson can get a good hold on her, thus foiling his attemps at that submission hold. But with Faith on her back directly under him, Grayson sits down hard on her mid-section driving the air from her lungs. C: Everyone, it's time to climb aboard the HOOOOOOO TRA, , , , F: LORD, are you going to do this all night? C: Don't know, maybe. F: Where's that cattle prod I brought out here for emergencies. Geesh, Grayson with a huge spine buster on Faith and he goes for the cover, 1, 2, but no she kicks out, there's a lot of fight still left in that woman. C: I f you people wanna see me put my size nine and a half wing tip up Fairbanks ass here, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH. F: Forgive me father, for I am about to sin. Hold that thought, Grayson has Faith up and whips her into the ropes. Rob catches Faith with a tilt-a-whirl slam, planting her in the middle of the ring. Rob up on the top rope and goes for a flying elbow but Faith rolls out of the way. WHAT THE HELL IS BURNING???!!!! C: Oh, I can see that you smell what I am cooking. F: My head is about to explode. HEY, what are you cooking, that doesn't smell too bad. C: Candied asses. F: (groan)Should have known better. Rob is up to his knees but Faith bounces of the ropes and catches him with a drop kick to the face that knocks him back down. C: James. F: Yes? C: Are you starting to feel a little ruthless aggression towards me? F;How could you tell? C: Oh, that little vein you have on the side of your head is starting to pop out and turn a bright shade of red. F: Faith, lord just give me Faith. C: Don't think her boyfriend will like that much. F: Not that Faith you idiot!!!!!!!!Never mind. Faith with an arm bar on Grayson trying to control him. Rob up on his feet now but Faith with an arm drag take down. Grayson is back to his feet quickly but Faith is quicker and meets hin with a spinning heel kick. Rob falls back into the corner. Faith charges Rob. Rob charges Faith. Rob tries to hit Faith with a close line but Faith ducks and Rob hits the ref instead. C;If I could get serious here for a moment. F: No. Rob is checking on Mario and doesn't see Faith climb to the top turn-buckle. Rob stands and turns around. Faith leaps and hits the Faithless. There's the cover but wait, Satanic Satan has hit the ring and with a stomp to the back of the head he knocks Faith off Rob. SS picks up Faith by the throat and choke slams her hard to the mat. C: Faith has no chnace, no chance in hell. F: Well I guess not, the devil just cleaned her clock. The ref is starting to come around. he starts the count, 1, 2, 3. And Rob Grayson retains the title, with a little outside interferrence from Satanic Satan. Faith was game but the fates conspired against her tonight. C: What are you saying, that she wasn't tough enough. F: No, I am saying that the people in the production booth had better run that montage of career highlights by thr returning Thug, cause I'm about to lay the smack down on your fat candy ass. C: Just bring it. F: Oh yeah, well what you gonna do when Fairbanks runs wild over, , , just forget it, I have to go to the restroom. C: Well I definitly don't want to smell what you cooking. Winner via Pinfall Rob Grayson Kamchataberry Ambergree vs Satanic Satan World Title Match Fairbanks: Welcome back for our last match of the night. This promises to be one knock drag out battle. There is no love lost between our two competitors. Creed: You got that right. You got a loony and a goony. F: I'll admit the UCW champion is, how shall I say it, unconventional. C: The man is a batty as a baseball team. He's playing hockey with a warped puck. F: I'm still sticking with unconventional. I hear Danzig, so that must mean the challenger is on his way down to the ring. Yes, here comes Satanic Satan. This guy has come a long way since he first started in UCW. C: The man acted like an idiot. He kept throwing himself at Faith every chance he got. How stupid do you have to be to know she's not interested. F: You tell me. C: HEY, what is that suppose to mean? She really digs me. She just doesn't want the public to know. F: Sure. Satanic Satan is in the ring and we are awaiting the arrival of the champ, Kamchantaberry Ambergree. C: Am I the only one that misses calling him Me? It was a lot easier to say. F: Here he comes and he is still without his faithful manservant, Toby. I wonder if that will have an impact on tonight's match? C: So that's what he is. I've been wondering what Toby's role was but do we really care? F: Satanic Satan slides under the bottom rope and attacks Ambergree before he can get to the ring. Ambergree is a little thrown off and is trying to fight back. Sata grabs Ambergree by the throat and delivers a choke slam onto the floor. Ambergree is down. Satan heads back to the ring and orders the ref to ring the bell. C: I'll stand by my goony comment. Doesn't he know that he can't win the title on a count out? F: He appears to be realizing that now. The ref has gotten to five and Ambergree hasn't moved. Satan goes back out, breaking the count. He picks Ambergree back up and is carrying him to the ring. C: He was playing possum. Ambergree just swung around and nail Satan with a DDT on the floor. Satan is now down an Ambergree rolls into the ring. F: The referee is counting. 1.2.3.4.5.6.7 Ambergree is starting to celebrate in the ring. C: A little too soon. Satan is back up and rolls in just at the count of nine. He nails Ambergree with a clothesline as he turns around. Satan with a cover but only a one count. That was way too early for a pin attempt. F: He was probably hoping to surprise the champ. Satan picks him back up and puts him down with a bodyslam. He comes off the ropes with a leg drop. He covers for a two count this time. C: I will say that Satan is taking it to Ambergree. Satan picks him and puts him in a bearhug. He is shaking Ambergree like a rag doll. The ref is checking but Ambergree refuses to give up. F: He may not have a choice if he staying that hold much longer. Oh my God, he broke the bearhug but I'm not really sure I can describe how. C: I can. He pulled the man's nose hair. That is just wrong. Ambergree follows that up with a boot to the stomach doubling over the giant Satan. He comes off the ropes with a running knee lift ala Mr. Wrestling II. F: Ambergree goes for a spinning toe hold but Satan easily breaks that up with a small package. 1..2.. Ambergree just does kick out of that one. Ambergree is back up and waiting. As Satan makes his way to his feet, Ambergree hits him with a dropkick. Satan stagers back against the ropes. Ambergree charges and Satan ducks and backdrops Ambergree over the top rope to the floor. Satan follows him out. He picks up Ambergree and drops him down on his knee. That was a nasty looking backbreaker. He rolls Ambergree back into the ring. C: It looks like we are about to get new champion. Satan is back in the ring. He is motioning that he is going to put Ambergree on his shoulders. He picks Ambergree up but Ambergree reverses and suplexes the big man. Ambergree climbs to the top rope. He is going for the Harpoon. He stopped. Why has he stopped. F: There at the top of the ramp. It's... It's Toby. Toby is back but what is he wearing? C: It appears to be a shirt that says " Feel the Love" with arrow pointing down. Toby is staggering to the ring. Ambergree is still watching him but Satan is up and slams Ambergree off that top turnbuckle. F: This is a great match. Ambergree is back up and as Satan moves in, Ambergree catches him in the stun gun. Satan is down but Ambergree doesn't go for the cover. He rolls out to check on Toby. C: Satan is making his way back to his feet. He rolls out of the ring after Ambergree. The two start slugging it out on the floor. The ref has started counting. F: Ambergree ducks a right by Satan but Toby takes the shot since he was standing right behind him. Ambergree looks upset. He kicks Satan in the stomach and goes for a piledriver. Satan reverses into a back drop. The referee is at the count of 9. C: Satan rolls back in the ring as the bell sounds. What is the verdict? F: The referee is raising Satan's arm. He is celebrating in the ring. I would hate to be the one to tell him he didn't win the belt. C: The ref is telling him now. The ref is now going up in the air and coming down hard as Satanic Satan chokeslams him to the mat. He goes out and starts kicking away on Ambergree. F: Here comes Sean O'Gara and Satan makes his way to back quickly. We have seen quite a bit tonight and I'm sure that these two will meet again down the road. Winner via Countout Satanic Satan
F: Time for the first match of this great show that is due to mark the return of a UCW star. We’re told they have held UCW gold once before so they must be known to us. We’re also told they’re returning for the first time tonight -
C: So it’s no one on the current roster.
F: -and that they have a grudge against their opponent who is already on his way down to the ring to boos and hisses of the crowd, its Snake.
C: Oh hell that just leaves it open to be anyone. Snake is already in the ring as we wait for this returning performer to show themselves.
[Suddenly, over the Ultimatron speakers.]
Voice: Hey Snake, you little bitch, get ready because its time for me to pick up where I left off. Time for payback. Time for you to taste Poison!
C: Hey its Poison! Poison is back! Buffy, Faith, Max and now Poison too the talent in this place is going back up again.
F: Just listen to this crowd, she’s a popular lady.
[Poison appears at the top of the ramp as Snake hangs over the ropes shouting and yelling at her. Poison charges down into the ring, slides underneath the ropes and her and Snake immediately go at it, ripping away at each other with right hands. Snake beats Poison back a bit but she suddenly ducks his last shot, gets behind him and hits a dropkick that sends him outside of the ring. She climbs the turnbuckle and starts rallying the crowd who take to her straight away. Snake picks himself up and charges back into the ring looking furious but Poison meets him with a right inside forearm that stops him in his tracks followed by a left hand and right foot to the gut. Snake is doubled over so Poison grabs his head, runs up off the turnbuckle and hits a swinging bulldog. With Snake down Poison gets a chance to psyche the fans up again. As Snake gets to his feet Poison runs at him and dropkicks him in the right leg which sends him down again. Poison immediately jumps on top of Snake and starts to pummel away at him.]
F: She as feisty as ever by the look of it.
[Poison finally lets up on Snake and drags him to his feet, hooks his shoulder and hits a snap suplex. She bounces straight back up to her feet and goes to hit a leg drop on Snake but he moves aside causing Poison to take an impact at the base of the spine.]
F: Ouch. Lets hope this is setting the tone for tonight Creed. Creed? I can see it’s a waste of time talking to you while Poison is out.
[Poison begins to pick herself up but Snake face into the mat. He then pulls her back up by the hair and starts screaming into her face. The crowd starts to chant asshole at him.]
C: Not the most popular guy here at UCW.
[Snake looks up and starts yelling at them now. He then pulls Poison up roughly and lifts her up into a Gorilla Press Slam. Just as he drops Poison he turns so she lands on his shoulder then powerslams her into the mat. Snake gets back up and starts to taunt the crowd, pretending to accept their boos and abuse. He then climbs up on the nearest turnbuckle, lines his shot up, then jumps off to try and hits the Snake-Pit. It looks like its going to connect but at the last possible second Poison moves to her right a bit sop Snake lands on his spine. The crowd scream in delight at this.]
C: Yeah, now that’s more like it. You had that coming!
F: Creed, ever heard of ‘impartial commentary’?
C: Yes, but screw it.
[Poison starts to get herself up as Snake crawls away onto the ropes. He pulls himself up using the ropes as Poison straightens up and moves into the middle of the ring. Snake is now up on his feet and runs at Poison to try and catch her with a clothesline but Poison ducks sending Snake toppling over her back. As he goes over Poison grabs his ankles and straightens up to try and hit the Deaths Descent but Snake manages to throws his weight forward so he rolls Poison up and holds on for a 1-2-3 count. Snake gets back up to her feet and gets her hand raised up in victory. Poison lies beaten on the mat as Snake climbs out of the ring, slaps away the hand of one fan and makes his way back up the ramp.]
F: Good start to the show. We’ll be right back with more from UCW Mostly Harmless.
Creed: Greetings everyone and welcome back to UCW: Mostly Harmless. I'm Jack Creed, and next to me we have wrestlings answer to Ned Flanders, James Fairbanks.
F: That wasn't half bad there Creed. But you forgot to mention the rest of the great matches that we will be showing here tonight. Like first off the Hardcore championship match that has current champion Jack Heart against returning former champion Desperado.
C: Yeah, whatever.
F: And here comes our challenger now, who made his return last week by taking out Pyromaniac and Snake in that cage match. Something that obviously opened some eyes and got Desperado this match on his first match back. We are still not sure the extent of the injuries inflicted on Pyro ... but you can show your support by buying your very own "Get Well Pyro" wristband from UCW shopzone, and send your letters and $5.99 check or money order to ...
C: Stop that!!!
F: Whoops, sorry. Now here is the Champion Jack Heart, the second person in UCW to hold every single UCW belt. And the other person to do it was the person Jack beat at UCW: Big Wham Bam to win the UCW World title.
C: Jack is making his way down and pushing the standard cart of weapons in front of him. But then he leaves it halfway in the aisle, and fishes a kendo stick out from it. Now he is leaving? What is he doing?
F: Not quite. He stops at the entranceway, and points to Desperado who is waiting in the ring, and seems to be inviting him up. Desperado nods, and is exiting the ring.
C: Desperado stops at the cart of weapons, and takes yet another kendo stick. Looks like this hardcore match isn't even going to start in the ring, but in the entranceway.
F: Desperado charges up, and now him and Jack are dueling it out with those sticks. They are blocking every shot that the other can deliver.
C: They lock up in a bit of a stalemate, but then Jack with a rake to the eyes takes the first advantage in this match. While Desperado is stunned, Jack is lining up a perfect shot with that kendo stick of his.
F: He winds up and charges in, but then Desperado swings wildly, and catches him square in the forehead with his own kendo stick. Jack is layed out, and I thnk we are seeing some blood already. Desperado makes a quick cover ... 1 ... 2 ... but Jack kicks out.
C: A few months ago, Jack probably would not have kicked out from that. That shows how Jack has been able to adapt to the Hardcore stlye since winning that belt at UCW: Men in Tights.
F: Well if anybody knows anything about hardcore, it is Desperado, who held that belt for nearly six straight months. And even beat the legendary Ickeez to win it in the first place.
C: Desperado has Jack up, and is dragging him through the entranceway and to the backstage area. The camera follows them through the curtaion, and we can now watch this match on the Ultimate-Tron.
F: Desperado throws Jack head first into the stone wall of the hallway to the locker room. He then picks up a nearby trash can, and empties it out, and then uses it to crash Jack again over the head with it. Now what was only a trickle of blood has turned into a crimson mask.
C: Jack staggers away, and is nearing the snack table. Hey, come on, this catering ain't free you know.
F: Desperado slams Jack face first into a plate of finger food, and then grabs the plate and smashes him over the head with it. Then Desperado clears the table ...
C: All that wonderful food ... ruined.
F: ... and now it looks like Desperado is going to set Jack up for the Tiger bomb through that table on the concrete floor backstage. If this connects we will have a new Hardcore champion for sure.
C: Desperado is about to pick Jack up ... but wait. It's Jack's manager Ace Diamond. He has steel chair and smacks it across the back of Desperado. Way to protect his meal ticket.
F: Desperado drops Jack, and turns to Ace. He looks kinnd of pissed off, but prett much unphased by that chair shot. Ace preapres to take another shot, but this time Desperado with a big boot kicks the chair right into the face of Ace Diamond. Well whatever factor Ace was trying to be, has been removed.
C: Desperado then turns back to Jack and lays him across the former snack table. Then turn back to Ace, and looks to be setting up another powerbomb ... but this time through Jack.
F: Desperado lifts Ace up ... but Jack rolls out of the way but Ace still ends up going through the table.
C: When Desperado gets up, Jack nails him with a kick to the stomach. Now Jack has the steel chair that Ace brought, and nails Desperado across the back with it. Jack covers Desperado ... 1 ... 2 ... but no, Desperado is able to kick up.
F: What a brutal match this is turning out to be. But now Jack is picking Desperado up, and dragging him off somewhere else now. Now where will this match end up?
C: Jack throughs Desperado through a metal door, and the door opens and Desperado falls out into the parking garage. They are now fighting it out with all the cars and other vehicles.
F: Jack now drags Desperado closer to the cars, and slams him face frist onto the card hood, leaving a big dent in it. Hey Creed, isn;t that your car?
C: What? SONOFABITCH!!!
F: Jack sensing victory, climbs onto the car rook ... which is almost caving under the pressure of a 255 pound wrestler standing on it ...
C: That bastard!!!
F: ... and looks to be setting Desperado up for the Heart Breaker on the concrete. Jack jumps off ... but Desperado with a shot to the stomach catches Jack. Desperado now quickly grabs Jack ... and there is the Tiger Bomb.
C: The referee steps in ... 1 ... 2 ... But then we hear screeching tires and another car speeds up, and right before the referee finishes the three count, the car door opens and out pops Snake who smacks Desperado in the head with what looks like a tire iron and stops the three count.
F: What is Snake doing here? He has a match later tonight with a mystery opponent and has no business being here.
C: Well Snake was also attacked by Desperado when he made his return. Looks like he is getting some revenge. And now Jeoylights 3.0 steps out from the driver seat and him and Snake stomp on both Jack and Desperado.
F: But now Joeylights Wraps Desperado up in a boston crab, and Snake climbs again to the top of Creed's car ...
C: Aw Dammit!!!
F: ... and jumps off and hits the Snakebit across the back of Desperado's neck. Desperado has got to be out after that.
C: Now Jeoylights has jack up, and then hits the Lights Outplex right onto the hood of ... MY CAR!!!
F: Snake hits Jack in the ribs one more time as he and Joeylights are getting back into the car and now drive away. Jack rolls over the side and lands right next to Desperado. Both wreslters are out, and now all one needs to do is get an arm or something over the other ...
C: One of them is twitching, but which on is it?
F: Heart seems to be gettign an arm into the air. He stretches it up, up and throws it over Desperado's shoulder. The referee hits the deck, 1-2-3 Desperado's shoulder goes up! Was it a count? Was it? The referee says yes! Heart defends the belt. Heart did it but only just.
C: Oh that was so close you could taste a title change, so close so very close. Whats next?