Kamchantaberry vs Celebrity Challenger ???
Shits and Giggles Match
Creed: Welcome to the UCW's PPV "Throwdown". Tonight we will finally crown a Heavyweight Champ, see a man in the Women's Title Match and hopefully catch a buzz at the after show party at the Playboy Mansion. Maybe a new video to follow, "Wrestlers gone wild: PPV Party Favors?"
Fairbanks:Anyway, it looks as if our first match is a special challenge match.It seems that the Internet champion Kamchantaberry Ambergree has been challenged by a,says here,Hollywood celebrity.
C:Oh boy,is it Tom Cruise or maybe Mat Daimon!
F:No,the sheet says it's a daytime celebrity.
C:Maybe Jerry Springer or Oprah!
F:It would appear that this person is retired.
C:Phil Donahue?
F:We'll find out shortly because the match is about to begin.Referee Mario is in the ring with the champ and they are awaiting the arrival of the challenger.
C:I think I'll stick with the me thing,it's a lot easier to say than,er,mmm,you know his name.
F:Truer words have never been spoken.Wait a sec,there seems to be some commotion at the top of the ramp.Yes,the curtains are opening and I believe someone is coming out.
C:Yes here he comes and I think I can make out who it is,,,OH MY GOD IS THAT,,,,
F:My lord it is,,,,
Fairbanks and Creed together:IT'S CAPTAIN KANGAROO!!!!!!!
F:Well this is a surprise and would you listen to the ovation that he is receiving from the crowd,they adore this man and it looks as if the good Captains appearance has thrown the Internet champion into a state of confusion.From the looks of things he isn't exactly sure how to take this.
C:IT'S MR.GREENJEANS,IT'S MR.GREENJEANS!!!!!!
F:Yes,it looks as if Captain Kangaroos trusty side kick for all those years is making his way down to the ring with his friend.
C:Hey,who's that little man that just came running down the ramp past the Captain and what's that he has in his hand?
F:I believe that is Toby,Ambergrees manservantand it appears that he has,let me see,yes,yes,it's a slurpee cup and he just went into the ring with it and is giving it to Kam who just took a big drink of it.
C:From the look of it he didn't like what was in the cup,must be a Coke slurpee.
F:Must be.Well the Captain has finally made it to ring side and is making his way up the steel steps.Mr.Greenjeans helps him through the ropes as Ambergree assists Toby from the ring and now the ref has called the two combatents to the middle of the ring to go over the rules with them.
C:Hey,where's Mr.Greenjeans going?
F:He's gone up to Toby and now he's beginning to yell at him.Oww,now he's knocked the slurpee cup from Toby's hands and begun to chase him around the ring.
C:Me saw that and doesn't like it.
F:He sure don't and has rolled out of the ring to confront Greenjeans.Kam has gotten in between Mr.Greenjeans and Toby and has started to yell at Greenjeans who has just shoved Kam.Kam picks up Mr.Greenjeans by the shirt front and has him pinned against the crowd barrier and is threatening to hit him.
C:What's the Captain up to?
F:Captain Kangaroo has ran and bounced off the ropes opposite the three men outside and with a full head of steam goes charging across the ring and sails through the ropes to land a flying shoulder tackle on Ambergree who lets go of Greenjeans and falls into the barrier.Kangaroo rolls to his feet and together with Greenjeans start to stomp on Ambergree who has fallen to the floor.
C:Here comes the ref to restore some order.He's telling the Captain to get in the ring.
F:With the refs back turned Mr.Greenjeans has taken off his jacket and is using it to choke the life out of Ambergree but wait,Mario has caught him and is now ordering him to the back.Boy is he pissed about that and has begun to yell at the ref and now has his finger in Marios face giving him down the road.
C:That's a mistake.It looks as if Mario is about to jump his ass.
F:Which he does and with a vengeance.The ref has started to yell back and is now shoving Greenjeans back up the ramp.Greenjeans has lost alot of his bluster and witha sheepish look turns and make his way back up the ramp and through the curtain.
C:Much to the disappointment of the crowd who are booing but when the ref speaks his word is finale.
F:It certainly is and now the ref as well as Ambergree have made it back into the ring and the ref call for the bell.
C:And here comes the Captain to continue what he started outside the ring as he starts to rain lefts and rights onto a dazed Me.
F:He certainly is landing them hot and heavy as he backs Kam into a corner where he slumps down on the second turn-buckle only to have the Captain start to stomp on his mid-section with some big boots but here comes the ref to break things up.
C:He's having to get in between the two and push the Captain off ME who has hooked a leg behind Captain Kagaroos leg causing him to trip.
F:Both men are trying to get to their feet but Kam makes it up first and seeing the Captain still on his hands and knees rares back and lands a hard kick to the mouth with the point of his boot that has caused the blood to start gushind and some teeth to loosen themselfs from the Captains mouth and fly off into the crowd.HEY CREED,get back here and set down!
C:No way.I'm going to get one of those babies,just think of what a souvenir they'll make.
F:Get me one you ass!!!Now Ambergree has the Captains arm in an arm bar and has straddled the shoulder so he can set down on it to cause greater pressure.The ref moves in to check if the Captain wants to give up but though he is in a tremendous amount of pain Captain Kangaroo won't throw in the towel.What a man.Now Ambergree stands up and still keeping on the arm bar lifts the Captain to his feet.HE slowly begins to twist the arm and then with a quick twist at the end he causes the Captain to somersault in mid-air and then land hard onto his back knocking the breath from him.Ambergre streches the arm out and then dropd a knee into the shoulder that has the Captain crying out in pain.Damn it make him stop ref.Kam gets to his feet and with a handful of hair,cheat,cheat,brings tha Captain to his feet where Ambergre lands a viscious head butt that opens the forehead of Kangaroo like an overripe tomato but the Captain can't fall because Ambergre still holds him up by the hair and now starts landing a series of head butt that start the blood to really pouring.1,2,3,4,5,6,7,damn it Ambergree has no human decency as he tries to pound through the Captains skull and into the grey matter that lays behind and he's using his own to do the job.Finally the ref makes Kam let go of the hair and step away.The Captain falls into Mario and slides down his chest to the canvas leaving a streak of blood on Marios shirt front.FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S SACRED STOP THE MATCH REF STOP THE MATCH,but he's letting it continue and now the devil,I mean Ambergree has climbed to the middle turn-buckle where he leaps off to crash down across the throat of Captain Kangaroo with a well executed leg drop.The man may be soulless scum but he does know how to wrestle.He now craddles the Captain over and is going,mercifully,for the pin.1,2,,no,my God,Captain Kangaroo has kicked out and Ambergree can't believe it.He now begins to choke the life out of the Captain but the ref steps in and pulls him off.Disqualify the bastard ref,what's wrong with you!!!Ambergree has another handful of hair and is trying to raise the Captain once more but the ref steps in and now my announce partner is back.Did you get the teeth?
C:No.Some damn kid had them and when I tried to get them he bit me.Look,he drew blood,I think I'll sue.What did I miss?
F:Ow nothing.Just that motherless dog Ambergrees systamatic destruction of a beloved icon.Bastard.
C:Shit for brains.If you'd just shut-up for a minute you'd see that the good Captain is about to,,,,
F:Uppercut to the old ball sack by Captain Kangaroo!!That should teach Ambergree to pay attention to his opponent and not argue with the ref.And now as Ambergree lies on the canvas trying not to puke his guts out slowly,miraculously the Captain makes his way to his feet where,with a handful of hair he raises Ambergree to his feet and delivers a haymaker to the jaw of Kam that staggers him back into the corner.The Captain gets in the opposite corner then goes running across the ring to deliver a,OH SHIT,a spring board elbow that rocks Kams head back and busts his mouth open.The Captain elbows Kam once more then takes his arm and Irsh whips him into the opposite turn-buckle.He goes for another spring board but wait,Kam pulls the ref between the two of them and Captain Kangaroo crashes into Mario knocking him unconscious.
C:Captain Kangaroo killed the ref!!!
F:The Captain falls backwards as Kam uses the ropes to drag himself out of the corner.The Captain is up on his feet now and catches Kam slumped on the ropes trying to get his second wind.The Captain grabs a handful of hair and prepares to deliver the knock out blow but Kam rakes the eyes causing Kangaroo to release him and stumble away as Kam falls back on the ropes.Kangaroo wheels and charges blind at Ambergree meets him with a boot to the mid-section that folds the Captain up.Kam grabs Kangaroos head and,,,
C:DDT!!!
F:Ambergree plants the Captains head into,if not through,the canvas.He rolls Kangaroo over and then climbs to the top turn-buckle and it looks as if he may be going for his move which is,Creed,do you know what his move is?
C:Not a clue.Lets watch and find out.
F:Sounds good to me.Ambergree stands on the top turn-buckle and then leaps.F#CK,he just nailed Captain Kangaroo with a heart punch from the top rope and the Captain is flopping around on the mat like a fish out of water.
C:ME HAS JUST KILLED CAPTAIN KANGAROO AND THE HOPES AND DREAMS OFCHILDREN YOUNG AND OLD EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F(with tears streaming down his face):It's true,it's true,it's true.Let us bow our heads.
C:Would you shut up for a second and tell me what you see.
F:It's Mr.Greenjean running down the ramp and he has,he has,HE HAS MR.BUNNY AND MR.MOOSE WITH HIM!!!!!!!!
C:It's the cavalry to the rescue!!!
F:Greenjeans runs down the ramp,Bunny and Moose perched high atop each hand.He rolls under the bottom rope and with a deft flick of the hand Mr.Greenjeans tosses Mr.Moose over to the Captain to try and revive him and the tears into Kamchantaberry Ambergree like a frieght train driving Kam back into the corner.Kam tries unsuccessfully to cover up and protect himself from the punches that Greenjeans is landing.Now Mr.Bunny leans in and with those two little sharp front teeth of his starts to bite the fore head of Ambergree starting the blood to flowing again.Kam is in trouble big time and with the demise of the Diamond Mine it looks as if there is no-one to save him but wait.Toby who's been setting quietly by the timekeeper has jumped onto the ring apron and is flailing away at Mr.Greenjeans with a,,,,,,napkin????
C:Yea,the one he brought with the slurpee but a lot of good it's doing.Mr.Greenjeans hasn't even noticed him and just keeps pounding away on Me.
F:Well Creed it looks as if you spoke too soon because that napkin just knocked Greenjeans hat into his eyes and has momentarily blinded him giving Kam the opening he needed to bring a hard knee up into the balls of Mr.Greenjeans that drops him to his knees.
C:I bet Mr.Bunny felt that one.
F:Now Kam rips Mr.Bunny off Greenjeans hand and throws him to the mat,then gives the rabbit a couple of stomps before turning his attention back to Mr.Greenjeans.He takes Greenjeans and props him face first into the corner and then he,he just ripped Mr.Greenjeans green jeans down around his ankles leaving the poor man bare assed to the whole world.
C:Me reaches down and picks up Mr.Bunny and puts him on the toe of his boot.Me draws his foot back and(WHAM)HE JUST SHOVED HIS FOOT UP MR.GREENJEANS ASSBUNNY AND ALL!!!!
F:Kam picks up Greenjeans by the head and the tosses him over the top rope to the floor.But it looks like this fight ain't over yet because somehow Mr.Moose has been able to revive Captain Kangaroo and now he and Mr.Moose,who looks to have a small steel chair in his hooves, are stalking Kam.They have him cornered now.Kangaroo lifts his arm which raises Mr.Moose even higher above Ambergree.Mr.Moose lifts the steel chair and(WHAM)He just gave Captain Kangaroo a chair shot and it looks as if the Captain is out for the count.Wait a second a hooded and cloaked figure has just emerged at the top of the ramp and is making his way to the ring.He climb up on the apron and has now mounted the top turn-buckle.
C:What is Mr.Moose doing now.OH MY GOD HE'S RIPPING OFF HIS OWN HEAD.He must have realised what he's done and now is trying to kill himself to atone for the deed.
F:Shut up you moron.It's obviously a moose mask and now the person is taking it off.Kam is holding up the Mr.Moose impersonator who has finally removed the mask to reveal themself to be,,,,,,,King Friday?????
C:The person standing on the top rope has pulled back the hood.It's Mr.Rogers!
F:Fred Rogers has been the evil mastermind behind this whole affair.Now what's he doing?He's dropped the cloak and now he leaps.
C:Frog splash,and very nicely done too.
F:That looks to be it for poor Captain Kangaroo and now it appears as if the ref is coming to.Mr.Rogers and King Friday roll out of the ring as Kamchantaberry Ambergree puts his foot atop the chest of a valiant but beaten Captain Kangaroo and a groggy referreeMario makes the three count and thus ends the saddest chapter in UCW history.The three vile serpents,and Toby,make their way up the ramp and to the back where the will no doubt celebrate this victory.Ambergree knows no shame.
C:True,but he does know how to win.
F:Shut up Creed.
Xavier Seriakez vs Jake "The Raging" Bull
Fairbanks: Well folks its time to welcome to brand new superstars to the UCW roster. First up is a good friend of our Women’s Champion Poison and his name is Xavier Seriakez making his way down here as we speak. Fairly confident looking, wouldn’t you say Creed.
Creed: Yeah, maybe too much. He’s in the ring now and there’s the Sioux war song which signals the arrival of our second superstar, Jake "The Raging" Bull with his manager the Chief. Ugly little mother isn’t he? Think I’ll call him Spanky.
F: Behave yourself. Both men stare at each other across the ring and there’s the bell for the match to begin. They circle each other and then tie up, Seriakez goes into a headlock but then runs the Sioux warrior into the ropes. He catches him with a clothesline on the return and then tries to hit a leg drop but Jake moves aside and Xavier lands on hard on his own ass.
C: Spanky-
F: Stop that! How can you call him Spanky?
C: Each onto his own Fairbanks. Spanky catches Xavier with a right hook as he gets back up on his feet then whips him off the ropes. Spanky gets the hip toss on Xavier then pulls him back up on his feet. Another tight right hook to Xavier followed by a kick to the gut. Spanky now gets Xavier into a double underarm piledriver. Xavier takes a bad impact to the head there.
F: Spanky? Oh sorry, Xavier now on the retreat as Jake lays into him with boots to the abdomen. Xavier now crouched into the turnbuckle and is getting beat pretty badly as the Chief looks on approvingly. Jake walks away from Xavier in the corner to motion to the crowd. Some take to him but others don’t. Now he’s back on Xavier with a kick to the face, followed by another and another but Xavier catches that last one in his hands and throws Jake off balance. He’s now up and runs at Jake with a clothesline but the Indian warrior stays up.
C: Spanky’s tough stuff. Xavier then starts to belt him with left and right hooks to the chest and face but still Spanky stays up. Now Xavier’s kicking him in the kneecap which seems to be more effective. Spanky goes down on that knee and Xavier catches him with a DDT. Cover 1-2-no good. The Spankster kicks out. Now Xavier tries an armbar on Spanky but he’s too close to the ropes and breaks it easily. Xavier has to back off as Spanky rolls out of the ring to the outside. What is that idiot there doing?
F: I think the Chief has run up to Jake and is dancing in front of him. He seems to be doing some Sioux magic to make him more powerful or something. Now Jake’s dancing too. Both go on a little dance around the ring then finally Jake starts to get back in. Well there’s something you don’t see everyday. Jake climbing back in but Xavier catches him with a dropkick to the knee and Jake falls back in. Xavier helps him back up and then manages to put Jake into a body slam. Now he goes into the corner and seems to be setting up Jake for something. Jake getting back up on his feet.
C: Ah ha! Spanky is gonna get speared. Xavier waiting for him but wait the Chief has started to chant behind Xavier. Looks like he’s trying to curse him. Xavier getting a little distracted here and he doesn’t see Spanky get back up but Spanky sees him ok. The Spankster walks right up to the crouched over Xavier who is too busy trying to shoo the Chief. Spanky grabs him and pulls him out of the corner into a powerbomb set up. Standing powerbomb! Nasty impact and Spanky pins the shoulders. 1-2-3 all done!
Winner – Jake "The Raging" Bull
C: Unlucky there for Xavier and Spanky takes his first win.
F: I’d like to see you call him that to his face.
C: I bet you would. Anyway, him and the Chief are too busy doing a war dance in the ring. We’ll be straight back.
Thug & Kong vs Jack Heart & Bounty Hunter
World Tag Team Title Match
F: Well we’re back and now it’s time to crown new World Tag Team champions. But before the competitors arrive, there plays Elevation by U2 and down comes in the stripped shirt our special guest referee Sean O’Gara, on the special orders of President Felicity herself. Now the members of the Legion who will be actually wrestling, accompanied by Snake, Thug and Kong. Two heavy guys here and officially Thug is one half of the champs, facing his former partner here today.
C: Plus O’Gara and them are in the same team so this has shaft job written all over it. There’s What a Man playing and down comes Jack Heart, the other former UCW World and Tag Team champ. He looks a bit pissed off. He’s all on his own now isn’t he? No Mine, no Ace Diamond, nothing. So sad. Bet he isn’t happy over his tag team partner either, who is making his way down now to the Star Wars theme tune. Here’s the Bounty Hunter with Ace Diamond, who looks very happy with himself.
F: Never liked the look of this Bounty Hunter guy. Well both teams in the ring and the Legion clearly have the advantage here in terms of communication and trust. That and the referee is on their side. O’Gara calls for the bell and Jack Heart and Thug, the former partners start off. Jack Heart is furious! Look at him beat on Thug, who has already gone down to Hearts first punch. Heart now kicking away at him so much that Thug rolls out of the ring. Heart yelling at him to get his "punk ass" back in. Heart now turns and starts yelling at O’Gara to make Thug get in but O’Gara just shouts straight back in his face, not backing down. Thug looks a little reluctant but gets in. Now they tie up and Heart immediately puts Thug into an arm wrench. He then hits an elbow to the arm and kicks Thug in the armpit twice.
C: Now he hits a Russian Leg Sweep on Thug, still keeping a hold on the arm. Stamping on Thug’s chest then pulls him up again but Thug with an eye rake. O’Gara ignores it. Thug quickly tags out before Heart can stop him. Kong is in but Jack decides to wait for Thug so in come’s the Hunter. These two square off and tie up. Kong with the advantage and drives the guy back then lifts him into a Gorilla Press Slam. He then follows up with an elbow drop off the ropes and covers O’Gara with the fast count 1-2 no kick out. Lucky escape.
F: Now Kong tags out to Thug and they double team up on the Hunter with boots and stomps. Thug
now has Hunter in the corner and kicks away at him. He then whips him out but reverses it himself then catches the Hunter with a clothesline. Thug now drags him up and executes a snap suplex. Tag out, good work here, and Kong is in. He lifts the Hunter into a Death Valley Driver and slams him down. Cover 1-2 no kick out again. I say O’Gara is still too fast with those counts. Trying for a quick win I think. Up comes the Hunter again and Kong tries for another Gorilla Press slam but the Hunter gets a knee into his gut, followed up by a headbutt. With that helmet he wears, it’s got a stronger impact. Kong is down.
C: Hunter’s hit on something here. He then carries out a headbutt to the groin. O’Gara tries to get him to stop using the helmet but the Hunter headbutts him down! You might say he’s using his head. Haha!
F: That’s an attack on the referee, this should end the match!
C: But O’Gara is still down so can’t call the DQ. Hunter tags out and Heart is in. Goes for that ankle lock he used in their last match but Kong breaks the ropes. Heart still going here. He kicks the right knee and ankle. Pulls up Kong and punches him back down. And again and again and yet again. Heart looks to me to have issues. Now Heart pulls up Kong and delivers a knife-edge chop to Kong’s chest that sends him back. Heart off the ropes and hits Kong with a running clothesline. In comes Thug who scores a quick right hook to Heart that breaks the momentum. Heart trying to get at Thug but Thug jumps out of the ring out of grasp. This gives Kong time to recover.
F: Kong now up again and still Heart hasn’t turned to deal with him. Too late now as Kong grabs Heart from behind and hits a Tiger suplex. He now tags out to Thug. They both come in and hey Snake getting involved now! He just took the Hunters legs right out from under him on the apron, leaving Heart with no support. Kong and Thug now set up Heart for a double suplex. This looks bad. They lift him into the air but Heart manages to stop the move. He’s now back in the set-up position and he’s lifting both Kong and Thug into a double suplex of his own! Heart just lifted both guys up into the air on either side of him and has managed to completely turn the tide here. Now Thug and Kong are down and so is O’Gara the referee. Heart back on his feet.
C: But Snake has seen this and in he comes with a chair. Heart doesn’t see it whack! Down he goes. Heart down, Hunter down, Ace hiding away this one’s over. Now O’Gara is back up on his feet, the Legion has this one in the bag. Thug and Kong back on their feet now too. They crowd around Heart and the trio holds up Heart for O’Gara to attack. He goes out to the apron and slingshots into - WHAT THE HELL! He just caught his own team mates with a cross body block! Thug’s first back up but O’Gara hits him a superkick. Kong now up but he gets a spinning heel kick. Snake up too, O’Gara runs up the turnbuckle, jumps off at Snake, wraps his legs around his neck and hits a flying Hurricanrana! O’Gara throws Hearts arm and throws over Thug. O’Gara goes down, fast count 1-2-3! Heart and Hunter win!
Winners – Jack Heart & Bounty Hunter
New World Tag Team Champions
F: What is going on?! O’Gara just shafted his own team completely. Ace Diamond and the Bounty Hunter now in the ring and Ace has the tag team titles. He hands one to Heart and one to the Hunter. O’Gara has ripped off the referee shirt and throws it into the crowd. He’s over to the knocked out Thug and is on his hands and knees getting into Thug’s face, shouting and taunting him. Now what’s Ace doing? He unbuttons his suit and he’s wearing the Internet title around his waist. How’d he get that? He takes off the title and hands it to Hunter. Hunter has the Internet and Tag Team titles. Now, I think, yes Hunter is taking off his helmet! Who is it? It’s
-
C: Son of a b***h! It’s-
F: Kamchantaberry Ambergree! The Hunter was Ambergree the whole time! I don’t believe it! Now Ambergree and Heart are shaking hands with O’Gara. Their on the same page! O’Gara raises the hands of Heart and Ambergree in victory. This is unbelievable, it was a screw job, but we had it the wrong way round! I never thought we would see these guys all together as one unit. And to top it all off, Heart and Ace Diamond shake hands and embrace! Heart and Diamond must have been reconciled, their partnership restored by the look of it. The fans are too stunned to do anything as this new alliance leave the ring together and head backstage. Heart has reclaimed the tag team titles and Ambergree is in double gold. It’s a smash and grab job by the errr Legion or is it the Diamond Mine? I don’t know but we’ll be right back!
(Commerical)
Ivy vs Posion vs Gay Bandit
Women's Title Match
C: The next match is for the Women’s Title (laughing) triple threat with part of YMCA. Looks like all three…er….ladies are in the ring and there is the bell.
F: Instantaneously Gay Bandit begins kicking Ivy as she attempts to get to her feet. Poison comes in behind Gay Bandit and puts on a half nelson while Ivy lands a heavy handed right to the solarplexes of the Gay Bandit. Poison spins the Gay Bandit around and is going to ddt him but Ivy grabs the Gay Bandit's legs and pulls him back and then rams the Gay Bandit's head into Poison's midsection.
C: Poison falls backwards onto the mat and the Gay Bandit lands hard on her face. Ivy uses the Gay Bandit for a walkway and is zeroing in on Poison.
F: Ivy picks Poison up by her head and then executes a brutal sidewalk slam followed up with an elbow drop. Ivy turns towards the Gay Bandit, who has since gotten up, and is met with a clothesline that sends him to the canvas. Ivy is up in a hurry and she and Gay Bandit are squaring up and trading punches.
C: Gay Bandit lands a kick to the gut and then Poison joins into the action. Poison nails the Gay Bandit from behind with a hammer strike to the back of the head. The Gay Bandit turns around and then whips Poison into the turnbuckle where she goes sailing out of the ring in a spasmodic manner.
F: The Gay Bandit turns her/his/whatever….attention to Ivy now. Gay Bandit runs at her and attempts a shoulder check but it doesn't budge Ivy.
C: The Gay Bandit runs back into the ropes and slingshots himself at Ivy and lands a harder shoulder ther time. Still not a movement! Ivy puts the Gay Bandit's head between her knees and is setting up a piledriver when the Gay Bandit grabs Ivy's legs and then reverses the piledriver and flips Ivy over her back.
F: This is sick! The Gay Bandit is dry humping Ivy in the center of the ring?
C: Does this mean he isn’t gay or does it mean Ivy has a dick too?
F:: Shut the hell up you fool, it is obvious that he is mocking her blatant use of her sexuality! Outside the ring Poison is starting to squirm on the cement floor after the hard landing. Suddenly Dances with Men comes running out and is halfway down the ramp. DWM goes right for Poison!
C: Maybe the bandit needs to change his name tot he Bi-Bandit….you never know?
F: DWM whips Poison into the barricade and then back into the steel steps. Poison is really hurt. DWM picks up a monitor from the announcer’s table and raises it over his head and then smashes it screen first onto Poison's head.
C: Smoke is coming out of the monitor and blood in running onto Poison's shoulders and chest. DWM puts Poison in a chicken-wing and then rams her head into the outside of the ring post. The monitor cracks in half and tumbles to the ground. DWM puts Poison into a front headlock and then walks him up to the top of the steel stairs and ddt's her back down to the cement!
F: It seems as if Poison is unconscious at this point, but DWM is not done yet. DWM puts Poison into piledriver position and then right at the last moment DWM loses his footing on a piece of the monitor. Poison lands in an odd position on the side of her head, her legs begin twitching for a moment, and then she lay motionless.
C: DWM retreats back to the backstage area and the medical staff on hand quickly attend to Poison.
F: Back in the ring, Ivy is up and the Gay Bandit whips her across the ring and she lands hard into the turnbuckles. The Gay Bandit slams into her with an avalanche and then steps up onto the second rope. The Gay Bandit seems to be pulling something out of his trunks but we can't be certain. Oh, yep there it is!
C: Look at that JC….it’s a pocket rocket personal vibrating masturbatory toy made by Ronco using 2 “C” alkaline batteries, which are not included with this $19.99 purchase.
F: I don’t even want to know how your know that! The Gay Bandit begins pounding the right hands into Ivy's forehead. The crowd begins the count....one, two, three, four, five, six, seven....Ivy's forehead opens up....seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve! The Gay Bandit places the foreign object back into his trunks, undetected by the referee, and does a neckbreaker on Ivy.
C: The Gay Bandit goes for the cover and the referee begins the count....one, two....Ivy tries to kickout but has taken to much tonight....three. The Gay Bandit wins the triple threat match! The medical staff has started an IV on Poison, who has still not regained consciousness, and are carting her off on a stretcher. What a match!
New Women's Champ: Gay Bandit
Desperado vs Spike Roberts
Hardcore Title Match
Fairbanks: Spike is already in the ring as “March of the SOD” bumps it up proper. Desperado comes halfway down the ramp and stops. He takes off his hardcore belt and lays it on the ramp and then motions for Spike to come and get it.
C: Spike steps out onto the apron and Desperado is waiting with his hands on his hips. The crowd is on their feet chanting, "do it, do it".
F: Spike jumps down off of the apron and begins walking towards Desperado. Desperado continues to stand his ground. Spike is face to face with Desperado. Desperado points to the belt and tells him to take it.
C: Spike shrugs his shoulders and then bends down to pick it up. Desperado hooks his arms and pedigrees Spike to the steel ramp. Desperado picks him up and slings him over his shoulder and walks back to the top of the ramp.
F: Desperado moves to the side of the stage just under the titantron, which is lit up with the action. Desperado hoists Spike up and is going to powerbomb him off of the stage. Holy shit! Desperado jumps too!
C: Desperado is doing a sitdown powerbomb off of the top of the stage!
F: They are heading straight for a dumpster. They land on the top of the black plastic lid to the green dumpster and they go crashing through from their 20 plus foot drop. There is a loud thud and for a moment there is no signs of life.
C: Look a hand comes out and Desperado pulls himself out of the dumpter and jumps off of the dumpter and gets into a forklift.
F: Desperado starts the lift up and then raises the blades to about 4 feet and whips the forklift around and then with the blades he pierces the side of the dumpster and begins lifting it off of the ground.
C: Desperado drives the forklift back up the ramp and to the spot where he had just jumped off.
F: Desperado raises the dumpster to full extension on the forklift and then he tilts the blades down and the dumpster falls to the cement. Pieces of concrete spray and sparks fly. UCW officals move in and call this one before someone is killed.
C: Wait, what the hell is that? It’s a huge magnet!
F: Yes, it’s coming from a very large crane set up behind the titantron. Look….Ickeez is at the helm!
C: Holy shit! This is not good folks!
F: Ickeez is lifting the forklift up in the air and Desperado is trapped. The forklift got too much air before he had a chance to jump for it and now he is being swung from side to side across the top of the ring!
C: Look at that, Ickeez is drinking on the job! That looks like an Olde English 800 forty in his hand doesn’t it?
F: That forklift is getting some serious momentum now and this is looking bad people. Ickeez has lost his mind.
C: Uh….
F: Shut up, you know what I mean your dumbass! Son-of-a………Ickeez swings the forklift hard to the right and it crashes into the titantron screen. There is smoke and pouring out and the camera zooms in. Desperado is unconscious and bleeding. The titantron is on fire and the emergency staff are showered with glass as they are still attending to Spike.
C: Look, an army of firemen surround the tron and are trying to extinguish the blaze so that they can rescue Desperado. I love this shit!
F: You fool! Two superstars are knocking on Heaven’s door and you love it?
Winner: Desperado
Boot vs Jackal
UCW World Title Match
Fairbanks: Ok folks, now it is time for our highly anticipated main event, where we will finally crown a new UCW world champion after our last one couldn't handle the pressure and ran crying home quicker than Stone Cold Steve Austin on Raw last week.
Creed: Fair comparison. Hey, you think Stone Cold will try to work for UCW now?
F: Who knows? But liie any one, even he would have to work hard to climb the top like these two wrestlers have here tonight. Working together on the same team through the entire lethal lottery and now having to face each other tonight. They have earned their shot tonight.
C: Here comes the first one now. Coming out to Black Sabbaths "Iron Man" is Boot, former tag champion and former owner of UCW. Though the guy does seem to have some delusions about being hardcore champion as well.
F: Well why do you think he's called Boot? But tonight the powerhouse has one heck of a challenge up for him, fighting Jackal, who is now coming out to "Howl at the Moon" by Ozzy. I'm noticing a bit of a theme in music here.
C: At least it isn't Limp Biskits "My Generation."
F: True, and Jackal is no slouch either. You don't get to become a two time UCW World Champion and one time Internet Champion as Firebrand by sitting on your hands all night?
C: What? Jackal was Firebrand?
F: Ok, now officially I think that it is everybody now knows that. Way to go Creed. But back in the ring, the bell is being rung, and now we are getting ready to see this big time speed vs power match up. Already we are seeing that, as Boot makes a grab for Jackal, who then quickly dodges and runs off the ropes and as Boot turns around, takes the big man down with a drop kick to the knee.
C: Jackal taking an early lead, He sure is motivated to become the first ever three time World Champion here. He follows up by somping the knee of Boot, and is quickly going for what looks like a figure four, but then Boot with his free leg gives Jackal a huge kick to the chest which sends him flying back first into the corner.
F: As Boot is slowly getting to his feet, Jackal rushes back in the connects with a couple shots to the head, but then Boot simply gives him a powerful shove that sends him right back into the corner. Boot again tries getting to his feet, and Jackal charges in again, but this time Boot catches him and levels him with a huge power slam. Boot with a cover ... 1 ... 2 ... no, Jackal kicks out.
C: But that one mistake has put Boot in control. Thai is not somewhere Jackal wants to be right now if he wants to go home the champion. Boot sizes him up, and the connects with a knee across the throat. But knowing it is till probably to early to attempt another pin, Boot is picking Jackal up and seems to be willing to dish out some more damage first.
F: Boot picks Jackal up for a gorilla press slam position and is walking around with him. What power by Boot. He is walking Jackal to the ropes, and the crowd is cheering for Boot to toss him into the crowd.
C: Looking to give the fans exactly what they want, Boot presses him a few times to show off his power ... but this time Jackal with an eye rake which allows him to slip free, and on his way down he is able to grab Boot and roll up with a sunset flip. 1 ... 2 ... but Boot manages to escape this near fall situation.
F: Jackal again is pummeling away on Boot who is trying to get back to his feet. But Jackals punches do not seem to be doing much good. Frustrated, Jackal climbs to the second rope and jumps jumps out from the corner with an attempted ax handle. But Boot catches him and is crushing him with a powerful bear hug.
C: But Jackal with a poke to the eyes causes Boot to let go again. Jackal sure knows what he has to do to escape the power moves that are being done by Boot. Of course being the UCW World champion does mean being ready to handle all comers from every fighting style out there, and Jackal has done that twice now.
F: Boot is stunned, and this time Jackal with a spring board off the ropes catches Boot with a lion sault while Boot was standing there and crashes don on the mat. Jackal with another cover ... 1 ... 2 ... but another two count as well.
C: Already we have had quite a series of near falls. These two are showing why they have earned this match here tonight. But even Jackal is seeming to be a bit frustrated right now.
F: Jackal is picking Boot up, and is fixing to whip Boot into the corner so he can work on him some more. But Boot reverses and puls Jackal back towards him and lays him out with a massive short arm clothesline ... but Jackal ducks and then kicks Boot in the stomach, and then grabs Boot and sets up for a tornardo DDT.
C: But Boot uses Jackals momentum while spining around and tosses Jackal to the center of the ring. Jackal lands on his feet ... but then Boot charges from the corner and plows through Jackal with a spear!!!
F: What power was in that spear. The crowd has gone wild, and Boot is majorly pumped now has well. He has Jackal set up right where he needs him. He picks Jackal up ... and there is the Meltdown! Boot with a cover ... 1 ... 2 ... 3! This match is over ... and Boot is the new UCW World champion!
C: Boot is staggering to his feet, and the referee comes over and raises his hand, I don't think it has even set in to Boot that he is the new World Champion.
F: Wait, some one is coming down the aisle. Who is it? It's Rob Grayson, who is back after putting Corx out with the trash. Is he coming down here to confront Boot or something?
C: He gives Jackal a little congratulatory nod for the great match as Jackal is leaving the ring, and then he grabs the UCW title from the ringside table and then climbs into the ring and him and Boot have a bit of a stare down.
F: But then Rob hands Boot the UCW title belt, and gives a him a little silent congratulations. Boot holds up the UCW belt, and a single ballon with "UCW Champ" written on it in magic marker flutters from the ceiling. WHat a night this was folks, we'll see you next week at Fury.
Boot
New UCW World Champion