Welcome to another UCW pay-per-view. War Pigs marks the retirement of 'the icon' Chris Boswell, three of the UCW titles up for grab as well as two of the most legendary hardcore wrestlers in the history of the UCW squaring up. Let’s get right to the action tonight and your guesses are as good as ours because all of these matches look good on paper.
This is scheduled to be a four man cage match. Snake and Thug are already in the ring and Shawn Darkness in on his way up to the cage door when the fans start to cheer as Nirvana’s negative creep plays and Chris Rage comes out and sprints down the ramp. He dives into the cage and immediately Thug and Snake start booting him in the ribs. Darkness comes in behind Snake and starts to choke him out while the UCW officials shut the cage door and the bell rings. Rage uppercuts Thug in the balls, reaches up from his knees and DDT’s Thug to the mat. Darkness whips Snake across the ring and Rage whips Thug. Snake and Thug collide in the center of the ring and Rage is charging at them. Rage leaps over Thug and Snake and then lands a huge diving clothesline on Darkness. Thug quickly gets up grabs Snake by the hair and begins grinding his face into the bars of the cage. Rage viciously slams Snake’s face into the bars and he falls back to the mat covered in blood. Just as Thug is about to rise from the collision with Snake, Rage shoes him square in the face and his nose explodes with blood and he falls face first into a pool. Darkness is up and charges at Rage and shoulder checks him to the mat. Rage is up fast and Darkness ricochets off the ropes and is head back for another run at Rage. Rage quickly hip tosses him to the mat and follows with the elbow drop. Rage is up and climbing the side of the cage. He reaches the top and haunches in the corner of the top of the cage like a gargoyle. Down below Darkness, Thug and Snake are slowly moving and all getting to there hands and knees. As soon as all three get to their hands and knees, Rage leaps off of the top of the cage and is swan diving toward the mat. Ouch! Frog splash from hell folks! Rage is up slowly and looking over the pile of twisted bodies. He roll Thug off of the pile and drops a power elbow to the sternum and hooks the leg. One, two and three. Rage wins our first match.
Ivy hits Poison with the back of her elbow and Poison returns the favor a. Poison rakes the face of Ivy in attempt to make a come back and then rips Ivy’s tanktop clean off! WHOA! Look at that rack! Ivy stands nose to nose with Poison and then tears her shirt off too! Both of these hot babes are standing in the center of the ring in their bras and showing off some of their hidden assets! Poison kicks Ivy in the knee and then leg sweeps her. Poison goes for an armbar but Ivy reverses it quickly and rolls it into an elbow submission by. The referee comes in for a look and Poison is fighting the hold and shaking her head no. Poison spins onto her back and scissor kicks Ivy in the head. Ivy release the submission hold and Poison gets to her feet. The Poison chants starts and Poison does a cartwheel and kicks Ivy in the face. Ivy stands up slowly and Poison picks Ivy up and front slams her on the mat. Poison mounts Ivy, get your heads out of the gutters this is PG-13, and begins double fisting her in the face. She goes for the side headlock then the inside cradle. The referee comes in and Ivy is fighting to get free. Too late! Poison wins the match!
Ivy walks to the ring with her title and she steps in through the ropes. Poison isn’t messing around this time around and drops Ivy with a Gorilla Press Slam on the mat. Both are up quickly and Poison gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Ivy. Poison springs to her feet and under hooks Ivy’s arm and executes a ropeflip hiptoss. Ivy bounds to her feet quickly and right away we see that this women are very quick on their feet.
Desperado is already in the ring pacing back and forth chomping at the bit. Desperado has been waiting all week for Star to show but no such luck. Guess he went into hiding. No, wait….there Star is at the top of the ramp. The fans begin to boo and Desperado is running up the ramp and nails Star with a big time clothesline! Desperado scoops him up and does a swinging neckbreaker. Desperado stands and stomps his big foot on top of Star’s face and holds it there. The referee comes in and, as you know pinfalls count everywhere in hardcore rules, Desperado absolutely demolishes Star in no time flat!
The Infernal one is already in the ring which is littered with various weapons, objects and sexual torture devices. The lights flash and turn green and Ickeez comes running out in his patent leather kilt. Ickeez jumps up on the apron and immediately up to the top turnbuckle. Ickeez is motioning for Inferno to come over to play. Inferno grabs a stop sign and walks over to the corner very cautiously. Ickeez does a missile drop kick that slams the stop sign into Inferno’s faces and knock him to the mat. Ickeez handsprings to his feet and grabs about five four foot long flouresant light tubes and swings them at Inferno’s face! There is a loud pop and instantly Inferno is covered in blood. It doesn’t appear that he can even see! Ickeez takes the stop sign and warps it over Inferno’s head. Inferno drops to the mat hard. Ickeez drags him to the corner and props him in a sitting position with is legs spread apart. Ickeez goes to the opposite corner and grabs a bowling ball! This is not right folks! Ickeez winds up and it is a strike. There is a loud “OH” from the crowd and Ickeez charges and lands the big time hip check into Inferno’s face knocking his head through the ropes. Ickeez picks up the bowling ball and slams it overhand into the top of Inferno’s head and the ball cracks in half. This is getting ugly in a hurry! Ickeez is searching the ring for something and it looks to be a weedeater. Holy shit, are you kidding me? Ickeez fires the weedeater up and moves to Inferno, who is laying flat on his back. Ickeez begins to give Inferno a hair cut but is precision is questionable because he is knicking the hell out of Inferno’s ears and neck! Ickeez doesn’t stop there, he begins to hack Inferno’s bare arms and blood is spraying everywhere! Ickeez takes the weedeater and begins to choke Inferno with it as he goes for the pin. The referee, now in a bio-hazard suit, starts the count. One….two…..wait! Ickeez pulls Inferno up and stops the pin? Ickeez moves to the corner and spreads a bunch of thumbtacks and light bulbs out on the mat. Next he picks Fern up and begins climbing the ropes. He pulls Inferno up and is setting him up for the Psychotica off the top rope! NO! Not the spinning sit out piledriver into the takes and bulbs…….he launches and they land hard in the tacks and light bulbs. Inferno lands oddly and he really needs medical attention! Ickeez fires up a propane torch and begins searing Inferno’s hair off. The medics are climbing the ringsteps but Ickeez hits them with the torch and they retreat back to the saftety of the floor. Inferno’s head is smoking and Ickeez picks him up into vertical suplex position. Ickeez holds him there for a long time and then a brutal jackhammer slam and they crash through the ring. Both men are out of site and all you can see is a shovel coming out and then a big whack. Finally Ickeez tosses Inferno’s limp body back up to the mat and him climbs out of the hole. Ickeez blows his nose on Inferno in his patented one barrel fashion and then applies the choking pin…..yes this one is over and the medics storm the ring. Ickeez walks to the corner and begins muttering to himself and answering. Chris Rage runs down the ramp and walks Ickeez back to the locker room in a psychotic stupor.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for One Fall. In the ring is the challenger , weighing in at 245 lbs, from I dont know, Shawn O' Gara!!! And his opponent, weighing in at 210 lbs, from still dont know, accompanied by his manager Ace Diamond , Me!!!Me tests the ropes while O'Gara has his knee pads checked out by the ref ring ring ring.
Me runs over to O'Gara and forearm smashes him, knocking him down to the ground. Me pulls O'Gara up by his head and hits him with powerful rights backing him into the corner.O'Gara is backed into the corner with the punches by Me. Me jumps onto the bottom ropes for more leverage and continues with the punches. Me looks to the crowd with his right arm up. O'Gara forearm smashes the chest of Me sending him to the canvas. O'Gara walks over to Me and elbow drops him.Me starts to get up but O'Gara catches him with a clothesline, knocking him clean off his feet. O'Gara then locks up and gets Me into the DDT but Me breaks the hold. Me starts stomping on McMahons chest.
Me pulls O'Gara up by his head and whips him into the ropes. Me drop kicks O'Gara. Both men get up and Me sends O'Gara into the ropes again. O'Gara rebounds and catches Me with a running neck breaker leaving Me in the middle of the ring.O'Gara climbs up the turnbuckle and lands a terrific elbow smash. O'Gara goes for the pin. Ref counts. ...1 ...2 Me manages to break the pin. O'Gara lifts Me up onto his feet and moves him to the corner. O'Gara deals a backbreaker to Me, leaving him on the mat and climbs up the turnbuckle again. Shawn leaps off the top ropes and hits Me with a stalling suplex on Me , O'Gara is up as the fans bgin to chant "Me sucks S*it". O'Gara is on sky high and climbs the top rope , looking for a 450 splash , but Me rolls just in time as O'Gara bounces off the mat and grabs his ribs.
Me gives the crowd the finger then he slides out of the ring and looks around with a smile , we see him pull out a boombox , he hits play as "Sunday Bloody Sunday" begins to play , He then pulls an Irish flag from under the ring and a lighter, just as he goes to burn it , O'Gara flys over the top rope and spears Me onto the announcers table , he throws Me back in the ring and smashes the stereo and heads into the ring , just as he slides in the ref siganls someone to clean up the mess from the stereo , while he is looking away Me pulls a can of mase from his pocket and taps O'Gara on the shoulder , O'Gara dosent tunr around but mule kicks Me in the nuts and Me falls to his knees as O'Gara turns around smieling but now we see he has the face paint on , llike william wallace's in the movie braveheart , O'Gara yells and jumps on top of Me with an assualt of liefts and rights , Blood is flying everywere , O'Gara is pulled off by the ref and he jumps up onto the tunrbuckle screaming with a crazed face , a crimson/blue face is what we see, the crimson is the blood , O'Gara is suddenly suprised from behind as we see Ace Diamond nail O'Gara with a chair and then a neckbreak off the top , The ref was so focused on Me he didnt see it , Me slowly slides opver , reaching around for O'Gara's body becuase hc an not see from the blood covering his face , he finally makes the cover , 1....2......KICKOUT , oh my god , near fall , near fall!
Both men slowly get to the feet and run , O'Gara dunks and then turns and goes for a superkick but Me catches his foot and knees him in the nuts and nails a Gargoyle suplex/pin by the ropes, the ref goes to count as we see Ace holding O'Gara's feet down from teh outside , 1....2.....3 , Me has won the match. Ace runs ion teh ring ans raises Me's hand , Me gets the blood from his eyes and turns and looks for O'Gara who si now gone , Ace turn and they both lok puzzled, they both turn and are met with a chair shot to both there faces , Me and Ace lie lifeless in the ring as O'Gara grabs the Ireland flag and stands on teh ring post holding it high in the air as teh fans go nuts, Me is the new Internet Champion , but these two will meet again , there is no doubt.
The Champion, Jack Heart, is walking to the ring and the challenger, Chris Boswell, is already in the ring waiting. There certainly is no love loss between these two! Chris Boswell walks around the ring and Jack Heart places catches him off guard and lands a huge knee shot into the gut that doubles Boswell over. Heart props Chris Boswell on the turnbuckle and executes a front-layout suplerplex and the bell ring. Chris
Boswell gets back into the match with a jumping neck snap on Jack Heart gets taken down with a quickly with a corkscrew armdrag. Chris Boswell retaliates with an earringer.
Jack Heart shakes it off and nails Chris Boswell with a belly-to-back suplex. Jack Heart moves
back to his feet and Chris Boswell stands up. Boswell picks Jack Heart up in
a fireman's carry and flapjacks him. As Jack Heart gets halfway up and then gets
caught with an elbowsmash to the face. Chris Boswell follows with a kneeling headbutt to
the groin and then a swinging bulldog. Boswell goes for the cover but Heart easily kicks out.
Boswell stands and stretches out as Heart gets to his feet and connects with a flying knee. Chris Boswell goes down hard!
Jack Heart hits Chris Boswell with the back of his elbow clean in the temple and Boswell is hurt pretty bad by that wicked shot! Jack Heart puts Chris Boswell the cobra clutch but Boswell blocks the move so Heart quickly turns it into a wheelbarrow suplex and Boswell smashes face first onto the mat. Chris Boswell is slowly getting back to his and Heart executes a ropeflip hiptoss and a spinning leg lariat on
Boswell can’t get a move in to save his life right now. Jack Heart
trys for a belly-to-belly suplex but Chris Boswell avoids it only to be put in a kneebar. Boswell quickly gets a fistful of rope, smart move. Jack Heart drags Chris Boswell to the floor. Heart executes a jumping
sidekick on Chris Boswell and then tosses him into the backside of the turnbuckle. Jack Heart runs over and smashes Chris Boswell's head into the ring posta and then rolls him back under the ropes into the ring. They head back into the ring and Boswell is up but looking groggy. Heart runs across the ring and bounces off of the ropes coming back in for a big shoulder check but Boswell catches him by surprise with a big time clothesline. Boswell stands up and does a snapmare on Heart executes a headlock takedown.
Chris Boswell goes for a pin. The ref starts the
count. ...1 ...2 Jack Heart kicks out. Jack Heart moves back to his feet. Jack
Heart is locked in the elbow submission by Chris Boswell. Referee Jack Thompson
is checking for a tap out. ... (AHHHH!) ... ... Jack Heart trys to escape. Chris
Boswell breaks the hold. Chris Boswell hits Jack Heart with a baba chop and hits a spinning leg lariat on Jack Heart sending him to the mat. Heart is up quickly but Chris Boswell drops him
neck first on the ropes.
Jack Heart climbs to his feet and somehow manages to nail Boswell with a reverse
neckbreaker. Jack Heart knees Chris Boswell and rolls back to his feet. Chris Boswell gets up very slowly and these guys are looking very tired now. Chris Boswell rakes his fingers
across Heart's face and then throws him into the turnbuckle. Chris
Boswell comes in hard with the avalanche and then begins jabbing at
Jack Heart. Chris Boswell chants start as Boswell does a spinning headscissor that sends Heart hard to the mat Boswell locks Jack Heart in the odd octopus hold and the ref is looking closely for the tap out! . ... (AHHHH!) ... (AHHHH!) ... ... ... ... ... ... Chris Boswell tightens the hold. ... Jack Heart is
fighting the hold. ... Heart can’t take this punishment too much longer…..THERE IT IS! Jack Heart taps out.
The winner of this match, and new UCW World Title champion, Chris
Boswell!!!