No matter how good a friend your husband, lover or partner is, there are some things that you simply cannot tell him — or not in so many words. That's why the good Lord invented best friends. Put yourself in these scenarios and see if you agree.

Your ex calls

An old boyfriend calls and leaves a message on your answering machine.

What you tell your sweetie:
"That guy is such a loser."
What you tell your best friend:
Word for word what the message said (playing the actual recording, if possible), word for word what your message back to him said, plus a 20-minute reminiscence about the relationship, reliving the most romantic moments and leaving out what a cad he was.

The $170 boots

You spend $170 on a pair of boots the day after complaining to your husband about his CD purchases.

What you tell your husband:
"Macy's had a sale today."
What you tell your best friend:
"The Macy's sale had nothing, so I went to that little shoe store on Hayes Street. You know, the one where I got the amazing sandals with the sole that curves up and hugs the shape of your foot? Anyway, there were these boots that were so perfect, the kind of boots you can wear with jeans or a skirt or anything really, so you don't even think about the price."

A meeting with his ex

You and your husband run into his high school girlfriend on the street.

What you tell your sweetie:
"She's great. I can see why you were crazy about her."
What you tell your best friend: "
He must have been crazy."

His lunch date

Your husband is having lunch with his old high school girlfriend.

What you tell your husband:
"Fine. By the way, I'm having dinner with (name of your ex here) on Monday."
What you tell your best friend:
"Can I come over for dinner Monday?"

PMS — enough said!

You have big-time PMS.

What you tell your husband:
"Why do you immediately assume my mood has to do with my hormones? It's as though my problems aren't worthy of the feelings I'm having. I find it so demeaning." (Optional: tears, slamming of cabinet doors, general sulking.)
What you tell your best friend:
"I have the worst PMS. My poor husband."

The head-swivel

You are caught doing the head-swivel on a dishy guy on the street.

What you tell your sweetie:
"Gee, he looks familiar."
What you tell your best friend:
"The most adorable man in the universe is crossing the street. Check him out! Love the hair, love the pants. Oh my God, he's reading the same book I am! So-o-o cute."

Separate-sponges syndrome

Your husband insists you use separate sponges for washing dishes and wiping the countertops.

What you tell your husband:
"Bacteria dry up and die within 10 minutes after you wipe up, but if you feel strongly about it, fine."
What you tell your best friend
"When no one's looking, I wipe the floor with it."

Beauty treatment follow-up

You got a lunchtime peel, and your face is red and blotchy.

What you tell your husband:
"I'm having a reaction to my new moisturizer."
What you tell your best friend:
Every detail of the procedure, including what it cost, which credit card you charged it on, what the dermatologist looks like, how he put his hand on your back when he ushered you out and left it there just long enough to make you wonder if he was coming on to you, what you would do about this if you weren't married, and that she should make an appointment, seeing as she's single and so is he.

The blahs

You are feeling blah.

What you tell your husband:
"I feel blah."
What you tell your best friend:
Every tiny thing that might be contributing to your state of blahness, each tiny little thing triggering an empathic response from your friend, who is also feeling blah lately — maybe it's a hormonal thing — followed by a compare-and-contrast dissection of your respective blah feelings, closing with a rant about how husbands never want to listen and never understand.