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HASHSHIT HOLDERS - Boltoneon - Mudguard

Statistics: Members 31, New Members 1, Past Member 0, Visitor 2. Total 34.

The run had been advertised as Run of the Year, by the hares, so I was in more than optimistic mood as I slunk out of the office and was eventually pleased to find that the Chicken Peck Toll road was unlocked. I arrived at the site 5 minutes late, but no matter, I was off. A lengthy slog down the main road, but no matter I knew we would soon be out into the promised virgin countryside. A group of Tale End Charlie’s was now in sight so there was no need to be unnerved. A lefty and we parted our way through kampung, where we were to come across a group of enthusiastic young ladies, who I was later to be informed were the night shift! Kampung continued for some time, but no matter, the delay in reaching the rolling hills and fresh air made us all the more excited. Perhaps the kampung went on a little to far, but no matter, we were eventually to see some greenery, even be it a flat plastic strewn wasteland. A less that tortuous river crossing was followed by a check which took some time to sort out; through a partly built housing estate, and a little disappointingly back out on to flat plastic strewn scrub. No matter, better was to come. Surely! A check around by a football pitch now allowed even Concorde [the English twat who runs around shouting Fuck the Welsh] to catch up, and the fine sight of Dingo Dick in full flight was now way out in the distance. To the right of us could be seen a large area of open sawah and tree lined rivulets, but presumably because there was better to come the trail was straight on. Pretty Boy was alongside now and although he appeared less than happy with the run so far I assured him that just around the corner better was to come.

No matter a little longer on hard and unrelenting roads, no matter through yet more kampung, no matter another main road………

So did we ever see virgin countryside? Not bloody likely, only PT bloody BRIDON’s effing rope factory!

Today saw another move by the Rope to secure himself as a leading contender for next years Hash Master. Two weeks ago it was a politically challenging epic hash sheet that belittled many of the old school and questioned the abilities of some of the new, up and coming, contenders for high office. This week, a run that was heralded as Run of the Year, free T. shirts, free tow ropes, free guided tours of a rope factory and free makan. Presumably The Rope had woken up on that morning and all had been well with the world; the meticulous planning of his campaign was all coming to a head and by night time he was going to return home as heir apparent to HM Sheepskin.

But did it all backfire? As a parting salvo, did his old and trusted colleague Yard Dog [=Catacombzee] conjure up a fiendish plan and arrange the downfall of this rising star? Forget all the freebies, forget the tours of the rope factory, forget Pulitzer price contending hash sheets, what really matters is the run itself and that’s where Yard Dog, the hare, had his opportunity to lead his co-hare to the slaughter. By setting an appalling run the unsuspecting Rope was implicated and as such his goal to become Hash Master may have been scuppered. Was it an accident or was it a blatant ploy by Yard Dog? Perhaps only Yard Dog will ever know!

From what has been said so far you will have guessed that this was not a great run. During the discussion there were many erudite comments but there seemed no way to adequately classify what we had been put through. As we fumbled to decide the Hash Master [who had recently return from a sheep handling school down under] eventually stamped his authority and declared it a Dog of a Run. Apparently this is the first time in 1600 runs that such a run has been recognized. In layman’s terms I understand that to qualify as such the run must have to fill 6 of the following criteria. 1] It has to be run in flat, boring, smelly, rat invested countryside east of Jakarta. 2] The trail should have to pass through >85% kampung. 3] There should be long stretches of main road. 4] Less than 6% of the run should be within 10 feet of vegetation. 5] There should be 1 or less bamboo river crossing. 6] The circle should be in the grounds of a rope factory.

The run discussion was long and sometimes tedious although we all thought it important that all opinions should be voiced. Ice had been brought into the circle early on, but for some reason the Rope smiled as he waited for what he apparently thought was going to be a favorable response. Why Yard Dog smiled only he knew! Blocks of hard and relenting ice awaited the hares.

Surprisingly some actually thought it was a good run, including Simply Fred, Tom Jones, Itchy Kock and Sloppy Dick, but Rabbi, Mudguard, Cheese Balls, Col. Bloodlust, Tarzan, Superbrat and Witless begged to seriously differ. Pretty Boys opinion regarding a festering, puss filled, sore on the end of a Middle Eastern gentleman’s genitalia was about average. As scribe I had to be impartial.

After all the hard talk and recriminations the circle itself was a much more light hearted affair. The were down-downs for Rabbi and Cheese Balls for front running; Dingo’s Dad for returning and being greedy as usual; the English rout of the Scots football team was celebrated, as was the raising of Mount Everest by 6 feet. Botaksan was in for his obvious similarity to Evander Hollyfield and Witless for his similarity to Don King; there were chuckles regarding Donking Donuts; Sore Rail was in for paying for the run with TGIF funds; Tarzan was actually iced for defending the Bank Bali Accident and there were enthusiastic attempts to burn him alive; Next Week sloped off early and said he would volunteer for a down down next week; down downs were ordered for those wearing the PT BRIDON T-shirts, which by then had turned grey due to the pollution.

Crusty Nuts, MM, led us in few songs, Angie, RA, attempted a tug of war between the hares and said something about the new moon or mooning. The hare, Catacombzee, tried to tell us a few jokes and the co-hare, The Rope, sang Frigging in the Rigging; Mudguard, celebrated the recent election in Auss with We’ve Got that Whore Again.

On-On: A lavish affair, at the sumptuous surrounding of PT. BRIDONS staff canteen. An excellent repast was served up by staff who were attentive, if a little bemused. Soto ayam proved the ideal starter, as is was to be followed by a main course of tender Jambi rendang in a piquant coconut sauce, delicately sautéed baby kampung chicken, luscious tender shoots of Puncak cingkong and tasty krupuk with the merest hint of Bekasi udang. For those so inclined this was rounded off with ripe pisang Ambon; the absence of custard may have been a flaw, but on the whole a meal to be remembered. To forget the generous quantities of the excellent vintage of the amber nectar would be to be unfair on this splendidly planned feast. The dulcet tones emanating from the local knocking shop provided an amiable backdrop for the large group of hashers who had stayed on to avail themselves of free food. Unusually there were only two notes of discord. In the first case Mr Blackburn threw a pisang at the Hash Master, but luckily Captain Sensible [Witless] was quick to step in and censure the errant new member and the occasion passed without further comment. In the second incident an attempt to raise a chorus of God Save the Queen for the benefit of our Australian friends resulted in some rather uncouth remarks from brother Mudguard. To bring the evening to a close The Rabbi and Col. Bludthirsty charmed us with renditions of two lively ballads and all in all a thoroughly good time was had. Back to the bonsai [E.M.].

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