[This was a typewritten form letter purportedly from "The Honorary Missionary Alumni Committee" Nick sent as a humor piece.]

To the parents and family of Elder Onken,

The Honorary Missionary Alumni Committee has hereby declared that the time has come for Elder Nicholas Onken to give his dusty feet a rest. In his behalf, we would like to thank family, friends, acquaintances, missionaries, leaders, doctors, taxi, carrito, and bus drivers for an unforgettable two years.

In making the joyous preparations to welcome Nicholas Onken into organized society, it is advised to keep in mind the very different and sometimes difficult circumstances that have influenced his life for the past two years. He has been living in an atmosphere quite distinct from your own, and the adjustment to normal living may take some time. However, with your help we are sure that the adjustments can be managed successfully. The following suggestions and helpful hints will allow you to help make his transition more comfortable.

First be advised to stock up the kitchen with real milk (NOT POWDERED!), apple pie, breakfast cereal, peanut butter, cinnamon rolls, doughnuts, AMERICAN FOOD, Pepsi, a variety of junk food (ex. Doritos, Snickers, Twix, etc.), white bread, homemade ice cream, and a sizable assortment of real, home baked goodies. If you want to save his sanity and guard his good health, please remove from his sight ALL black beans, fish, any part of the chicken that we normally throw away (ex. hearts, livers, lungs, brains, etc.), warm powdered milk, cow gut soup, rat, fried bananas, non RDA approved meat, greasy fried food, etc.

Your newly arrived "RM" may insist on eating his main meal at noon. Don't be offended if he has NO table manners, eats everything with a large spoon, wipes his mouth with his tie, sneakily hides unwanted food in his pockets, scripture bags, or tries to toss it out the window when you're not looking. After lunch he will probably rinse his dirty dishes with his fingers in cold water and without using soap. Just lead him through the proper dish washing procedure.

Be patient and loving the first time he goes with you to the grocery store and embarrasses you by bargaining with the vegetable man. Be patient when buying clothes and he refuses to buy anything over $8.00, and walks out calling the salesclerk a thief. Please try to love him inspite of the times that he cries seeing the American flag, or when he lies for hours running his fingers through the carpet or your green lawn grass. When you find him washing his sheets, towels, and ALL his clothes in the sink, gently remind him how to use the washing machine. For the first couple of week he will heat water on the stove, and when he's ready to hop in the shower, ask for a pitcher to throw water over himself.

Remind him that you do have an AUTOMATIC water heater and that he won't need to light it with a flaming newspaper. He will probably wear his plastic thongs in the shower. Old habits are so hard to break. He will probably try lighting the electric stove with a match and spend hours playing with the push button phone. Tell him his calls will actually go through . . . the first time! If you see him sitting on the curb for hours, he is waiting for the "carritos" and the chicken buses, tell him he has friends and family members that might give him a ride or possibly let him borrow the car (which could be dangerous after living in Venezuela for 2 years!) If he sleeps late in the morning, show him how to use an alarm clock; he has been relying on roosters for the past two years.

He may scold you for drinking water straight from the tap and tell you to filter and boil it first. He's just trying to save your health. When he frantically searches his pockets for loose change every time somebody extends their hand, calmly remind him that they just want to shake his hand, not beg for money. He'll be so happy to see the neighborhood dogs clean and with full coats of hair. All the animals he has seen for the last 2 years have been dead, half-dead, sick or pregnant.

SPECIAL WARNING: Do NOT mentioned crowded buses, snakes, drunk old men that "speeka da eengleesh," mail strikes, water strikes, rats, cockroaches, and above all DO NOT HISSSSSS at him. Remember that he has been in a Spanish speaking country for 22 months, so his English may be a little rusty. Also, remember that the customs he developed are a little different. Don't laugh or be embarrassed when he shakes hands with everyone in the room saying "Hi! I'm Elder Onken" and as he departs, gives another round of hand shakes. Don't ask why his only topic of discussion is missionary work, his investigators, Venezuela, or the gospel. If he begins to talk about his digestive system, the bugs he has, how they got there, and what they do there, try to ignore it and pray that you're not in a crowd.

We would like to warn you that he is used to having a companion at all times and may follow you around wherever you go, or hurry you so as not to be late for your next appointment. He may speak to you in Spanish or a combination of English and Spanish commonly referred to as Spanglish, then be annoyed that you don't understand. Don't be surprised if he seems restless during church. He is probably waiting for investigators. He will also sing extremely loud so that everyone else can hear the CORRECT tune! He might start to sweat before priesthood meeting wondering what kind of false doctrine or ordinance practice they will teach this week and what his investigators will think. He may have a lot to overcome but with lots of love, tolerance, and patience, Nicholas Onken will be back to himself in no time.

More than anything he wants to thank everyone for their support, letters, packages, etc. and apologize if you've experienced a lack of correspondence. The most important thing that he has asked us to let you know is how very grateful he is to the Lord of the chance to go on a mission and to have served Him faithfully for two years. He has come to know the gospel better now than ever before in his life. He is very grateful to have made so many friends and to have discovered a new people and country that have become HIS new people and country. He is also very grateful to have helped a few people, however insignificant the number, come to know the truth. So this is it!! Just when you thought it was safe . . . Nicholas Onken is coming home!!!

Cordially, Honorary Missionary Alumni Committee

[Nick attached a little post it to the letter that says "P.S. it's just like it says."]