April 1st
Today was rather productive. After a few hours of procrastination, I finally got down to doing my work, and finished most of what I needed to do in a few hours. It felt good. I played some MP3s (music files) and sang along with some of the Christian songs I have loved for so long. It felt so good to worship God in a simple, personal way. This was one of the many many songs that spoke to me.
Create in me a clean heart, O God
And renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from Thy presence O Lord
And take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me, the joy of my salvation
And renew a right spirit within me.
It was a prayer by King David, the one who wrote the Psalms. It was my prayer today. I have been a Christian for a good number of years, and as I grew older, I grew more pragmatic in many ways, mixing my own wisdom with what God really wanted to show and tell me. "Restore unto me, the joy of Thy salvation". I remember the first time I prayed to accept Jesus in my life. It was a marvelous feeling. It was not an emotional high - I prayed in a small room with no one near me at all, no band playing or choir singing in the background. But there and then, I knew that something had changed inside of me. There was an immense amount of joy. I knew with ALL my heart, that Jesus was Lord.
I still do know that today. But the vision has gotten cloudy with my own wisdom. I had become knowledgeable in my own eyes and forgot how joyful my salvation was. It's like that with many of us isn't it? We now pray with one eye open, knowing through our many "years of experience" what is possible, and what is impossible for God to answer. We have lost the childlike faith that we once had. I tasted my joy of salvation today. I sang with Keith Green, heart to heart, wanting God to restore that joy back. I cried with tears of remorse that I had become my own person, instead of what He wanted to mold me into. He wiped away those tears and astounded me with this other song :
Almighty God, the Great I AM
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent, Powerful.
Awesome Lord, Victorious Warrior
Commanding King of Kings, Mighty Conqueror
And the only time,
the only time I ever saw Him run....
Was when He ran to me, took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest
said, "My son's come home again"
looked at my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
with forgiveness in His voice
said "My son, do you know I still love you?"
He caught me by surprise,
He brought me to my knees,
when God ran.
I really did stand amazed at the presence of Jesus. That despite it all, He would still take me back unconditionally. Amazing love, how can it be.
I'm sorry I keep blabbering on. I just cannot choose not to share this amazing experience. Thank you, for those who keep praying for me.
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