SEASON EIGHT

EPISODE 8: THE INFORMER

By: X_C

 SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE VOYAGES OF THE WWF TITANPRIZE. IT'S MISSION: TO EXPLORE AND ENTERTAIN NEW SOCIETIES AND NEW CIVILIZATIONS.  TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WRESTLER HAS GONE BEFORE!

TITANPRIZE CREW:

Captain Vince McMahon
First Officer, Commander Shane McMahon
Chief Engineer, Commander Stephanie McMahon
Chief of Chiefs, Commander Linda McMahon
Chief of Security, Commander Kane
Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Taker
Diagnostics Officer, Lieutenant Commander Jericho
Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Commander Austin
Transporter Chief, Lieutenant Commander Debra McMichael
Communications Officer, Lieutenant Rock
Counselor Al Snow (assisted by H.E.A.D.)

... And many more!

WWF TITANPRIZE-CAPTAIN'S READY ROOM

    "Captain's Log, Stardate 081400.00 Foley is God! The Titanprize is breezing through an arctic, barren nebula with all the interstellar flare of Ensign Blackman's personality and the crew has never been happier or more primed for the challenges that face us! Mick sets up these matches that work magic on the morale of the officers-people never get tired of watching Edge, Christian, and Kurt Angle become the APA's own personal bi-"

    His comm badge chirped. "McMahon."

    "This is Joe from Information and Linguistics on Deck 38. We have been hailed by that Class-X Planet we picked up on long range scanners and I have decoded their message."

    "Joe?" Vince frowned. Who the hell was Joe? Wrestlefleet? Nytron?

    "Yes sir. Just Joe."

    "Er....go ahead then...just Joe."

    "The royal family of Aurora-12 will welcome the Titanprize into orbit after we arrive within the borders of their space approximately seven Federation standard days from now. The communication was from a one Princess Ri'ael, who is eager to exchange technological and cultural knowledge with us."

    "Ahhh I see." McMahon yawned. Great. The crew wasn't going to stay psyched for long with these kind of stick-in-the-mud diplomatic missions! The novelty of being lost in space wore off quick when there were no cosmic clashes to keep the juices flowing! "McMahon out."

    Time to spice things up! Vince called up an image of the brig on his own personal viewscreen. He chuckled as he watched Russo on his knees, whimpering and crying and begging for mercy he wasn't gonna get. Security Ensigns Buh Buh and Devon seemed unmoved by the disgusting display of cowardice.

    "Please...I am begging you....anything but this! Kill me now! Make me watch Nytron matches! Just...end...the....torture!"

    "Do you think the Rock gives a monkey's behind about your boo-hoos and your poor me's, Jabroni? Does Vincent Rusoo, the biggest piece of trailer park trash walking God's green universe want the People's Lieutenant to bring him a diaper and a pacifier? The Rock Says This: Know your role and shut your damn mouth before the The Great One just brings it! What was that Jabroni? You think the Rock should leave your candy ass alone? Well the People's Lieutenant wipes a llama's ass with what you think! Right now, the Rock wants one thing and one thing only - to take my phaser, turn that son of a bi-"

    "Oh God just take me now!" Russo moaned.

    "Devon." Buh Buh whispered. The Ensign was spellbound, his eyes snapped wide and feverish by the last catchphrase. "Get the table."

    "Testify!"

ENGINEERING

    "Did I give you permission to sit?" The soft pulse of the warp core was the only company Stephanie wanted tonight.

    Something was terribly wrong with Lt Commander Jericho and she needed to be alone with that.

    He'd kissed her inside the computer-generated Makota dreamworld, a computer himself feeling just like warm wonderful flesh and blood melting against her body, making every cell inside her tingle like it was on fire.

    Coming back to reality had been just a little bit cruel. And oh god... he hadn't felt a single thing.

    Damn Chris for ever showing her a sliver of genuine passion! If only he hadn't, she'd never know the difference now.....

    Ignorance was bliss. Wondering if his emotion chip was failing, the chip she'd slaved over...that was pure hell.

    "Try me Steph." Jeff rested his feet on the Engineering console. "Just go ahead and try me tonight. See where it gets you."

    Commander McMahon-Helmsley blinked, pushed her padd away. Hardy with an attitude was far more interesting than all that. "Looking for a free trip to the brig, Jeffrey?"

    "I believe that the countless times I saved your sweet little backside makes me immune to your evil power trips." Jeff said smoothly, glancing at the data that sat between them. "Divorce documents from Hunter, huh?"

    "None of your damn business!"

    "To tell you the truth Steph...." Jeff sighed. "I'd rather see you stay married to that Degenerate creep than stalking the virginity of Kirk Angel. Hunter may be scum of the universe, but at least you knew what his game was. With Kurt.....you of all people Commander should see that someone so morally pure has got to be a little warped somewhere."

    "Kurt's as innocent as a newborn baby." Jeff was warning her. Had he ever once failed to protect her? Her mind, her heart...everything inside her was screaming the same thing. Listen to him!

    But when Angle looked into her eyes, Stephanie felt like she was lost in them, like she was the only thing in the room he could see. She felt like a work of art when he praised her. And the way Kurt listened to her... Steph's words were like a beautiful song he couldn't stop listening to!

    How could she not want that? How could she not want sweetness and comfort after being married to a man who gave her necklaces with bombs in them, a rebel whose criminal acts included a mutiny against her own father? Jericho... he was a cold-hearted android, a magnet for danger. She deserved better...

    "You're an Aerialian, Jeff." She smiled weakly. "You couldn't possibly understand wanting to be safe."

    "Kurt's not-" He let it die. Ensign Hardy couldn't be a perfect guardian angel - he couldn't save Stephanie from herself. "You're going to do me a favor."

    "Pretty cocky for a guy wearing his girlfriend's shirt."

    "See, Lita and I have been dating for six glorious months." Jeff knew she'd do it. She'd do anything for him.

    "Great." Stephanie said. "I'd be happy to send her a sympathy card."

    "Send yourself one." Jeff wasn't laughing, wasn't even smirking. Heck, he didn't even have that wicked gleam in his eyes. "Lita's on the warpath and we're in the line of fire. She thinks we... slept together."

    "What?" Stephanie suddenly felt queasy. She hoped her face wasn't as green as Jeff's hair looked in the glow of the warp core. "My god! That's...that's......" There was no flattering way to end that sentence.

    "Insane." Jeff finished it for her. "I know. I told her no matter how much you lusted after me, I could never ever return those feelings. You're my Commander, for pete's sake!"

    "Jeff...." Stephanie groaned. "You're an idiot."

    "I'm thinking of getting T-shirts made up." Jeff told her enthusiastically. "On the front it would just say JEFF and on the back it would say YOU'RE AN IDIOT."

    She sighed. "Look, I'll loan you whatever you need to buy an awesome anniversary gift. I'm getting pretty good at defending myself, but I ain't ready to take an ass-kicking from Lita. You just get her something nice and smooth things over before she kills me."

    "Lita's not into material things." Jeff explained. "She's not some shallow, spoiled little Greenwich-bred brat like you, Commander. I wanna throw her a big-ass, spectacular anniversary party in the Smackdown so the whole world knows how much I love and adore her!"

    "God Jeff, when you pour on the compliments and flattery like that....."

    "I sort of want to ask her to marry me too."

    Stephanie burst out laughing. She laughed so hard the tears threatened to short-circuit her computer. "You get married? To a woman?"

    "Of course to a woman." Jeff frowned. "To Lita. I know what you're thinking....we're young, we haven't been dating that long...but I've loved her all my life Steph. And being lost out here-"

    "The hurl is starting to rise here, Hardly."

    "Right. Well...I was thinking since you're a chick and all, you could help me draft a proposal, tell me what romantic cliches you ladies like, assist me with planning the perfect moment."

    "I'll do anything if you promise never to gush about Lita and your twisted love thing again." Stephanie told him. Hey, Jeff wanted advice from the universe's biggest romantic failure since the dawn of time, more power to him! He was, after all, an idiot! "And where did Red ever get the idea we did... it?"

    Jeff scowled. "Apparently Angle was spilling his All-American guts to some guy named Joe in the Smackdown. Told him he caught us in your room together, on the bed, and that I kissed you on the lips."

    "You did." Stephanie pointed out. "It was a joke. Kurt mentioned that part, right?"

    "This is Kirk Angel we're talking about, Stephie!" Jeff said with exasperation. "He doesn't even have a sense of humor! He sincerely believes you sullied my precious innocence!"

    "Kurt thinks I would sleep with you?" Stephanie cried. "With you?!"

    "And so does Lita." Jeff shook his head. "I guess this Joe guy was totally mortified when he realized she'd overheard every word. I had to sneak into a Jeffries tube to escape her wrath."

    "I am sooo dead." Stephanie moaned. "Lita's jealousy is lethal."

    Jeff didn't say anything. There wasn't much to disagree with in that statement.

    "Wait a minute." Stephanie wrinkled up her perfect little nose. "Who's Joe?"

THE SMACKDOWN

    "Hmmm... interesting."

    "What?" Hunter was startled out of his black mood. "What the hell are you staring at?"

    "Geez I'm sorry Ensign Helmlsey." The jerk who was about to get his teeth punched down his throat for invading Hunter's privacy didn't seem familiar at all. "It's just that I studied interstellar law at Wrestlefleet Academy and those looked like legal documents."

    "Law huh?" The Degenerate decided to spare the stranger's dental work for now. "Yeah well, everyone on this damn ship knows I'm in the middle of a divorce. No secret there."

    Thoughtful dark eyes studied the padd. "You're going pretty easy on your wife, Stephanie."

    "Freedom comes at a cost." Hunter shrugged his broad shoulders. "Let me explain something to you pal. You take from a woman, they never let you forget it as long as you live. I don't need that kind of curse on me."

    The legal eagle nodded wisely. "You've got enough crosses to bear with that girl as it is, right?"

    "Damn right." Helmsley burned away a little bitterness with a shot of synthehol. "She's lucky to have me as a husband! After the crap she put me through, I'm entitled to a hell of a lot more than that!"

    "I'm with you. I mean, is it gratitude to tell Lita that your groom is lucky to get the clothes on his back after he tried to murder you a thousand times?"

    "I never tried killing her!" Hunter exclaimed. "Oh god, that wench! She said that to Lita?"

    "I shouldn't even repeat this...." The daggers in Ensign Helmsley's eyes ordered him to continue. "But then again, Stephanie shouldn't have been gossiping on duty. I went to drop off some new encryption codes to Lt Commander Jericho and I guess their whispering got a little too loud. The words she used....violent, abusive, terrifying....." He shook his head. "Sorry man. None of my business."

    "That shrew!" Hunter felt like there was acid seething in his veins. Every muscle in his body went as tight and tense as titanium wire. "That freaking liar! I never harmed one hair on her skanky little head!"

    "Hey maybe she was kidding. I mean, the way she was laughing at you-"

    "Laughing" Hunter realized he was trembling. Odd that Stephanie could still inspire such fury in him...."She was laughing at me?"

    "You know how it is during a divorce." The man tried on a diplomatic smile. "People say stuff they don't mean. Stephanie was probably just showing off, trying to act tough in front of her girlfriend."

    "Steph and Lita are NOT friends!" Hunter spat. He never could stand the way those Aerialian nitwits worshipped his two-credit slut of a wife like loyal little puppy dogs or the way Stephanie rewarded them by lavishing so much affection and warmth on the freaks.....

    "Of course not! Ensign Lita was just being a polite listener! Steph's her commanding officer, so naturally she'd have to giggle while her superior bragged on how she pulled the wool over your eyes!"

    "I am the Game!" Hunter's voice shot up a few decibels. Heads turned. He didn't care. "I am that damn good! A spoiled McMahon princess does NOT get the better of me!"

    "Man, why is the husband always the last to know?" Helmsley's new bud sighed as if to say you poor bastard. "I heard you guys were splitting up cause of her affair with Jeff Hardy."

    "Jeff Hardy? An affair with a woman?"

    "Stephanie just seemed so proud of the way she could flaunt it and you didn't even catch on." A sip of Kanatian brandy, a sympathetic shake of the head. "Some women...."

    "I was willing to let her go without taking a damn thing!" Hunter snarled. "If that witch cheats on me, she owes me!"

    "She owes you big then. Heck, I even feel bad for Jeff - stupid kid doesn't even realize she's toying with his own big brother or that Olympic guy...you know....the one with the gold medals that's always talking about teaching you Degenerates some integrity!"

    "Kurt Angle?" Helmsley's death grip on his glass almost crushed it into a million pieces. "He lays a hand on another man's wife and I need to learn integrity? Holy sh-"

    "Course you wouldn't even be in this predicament if it weren't for Chris Jericho, right? Stephanie was telling Lita how thankful she is to the guy for opening her eyes, making her see her husband for the monster he really is."

    "Jericho is just a thing!" Hunter knew the truth - he'd sabotaged the emotion chip himself, got the perfect revenge on the robot he loathed more than any flesh and blood human being. Jericho could kiss Stephanie, Jericho could touch Stephanie, but he would never ever love Stephanie! "He's not capable of affecting my wife in any way, shape, or form!"

    "Oh no, no, no." Helmsley was smirking. Must have done something pretty cold to the Y2J Unit that would need to be uncovered for future use...."Of course not, Ensign. I didn't meant to imply....look, I'm sure they won't even speak to each other at Kurt's birthday party tomorrow night. I'll cya then - midnight isn't it?"

    "It could be when hell freezes over for all I care."

    X-Pac started sweeping up glass behind the bar. Hunter hadn't thrown his mug too carefully before leaving. "Maybe we should point out to The Game that Stephanie would never confess an affair with Jeff Hardy to his own damn girlfriend."

    "I'm surprised you're still talking to him." Joe commented, quietly finishing off his synthehol. "The way he spits on you and Roadie for being waiters and bragging on his own rank like he was a Lieutenant Commander?  Hey, I myself think it's good, honest work! And you guys didn't have to marry the bosses daughter to get it!"

    "Your ass better call somebody, Joe." Jesse James was no fool. "Triple H and us Degenerates - it's better than blood, man.  Tighter than brothers."

    "Sure." Joe nodded. "It's not like Hunter Hearst Helmsley would ever pick ambition over family, right?"

ENGINEERING

    "Encryption codes from the Captain, sir."

    "Yeah. Thanks." He had to push warp core efficiency to the max so that maybe it would take only three centuries to reach Earth instead of four. Had to focus on that and not on Stephanie's illogical choice of companions....

    Jericho was troubled by his irrational need to lock his hands around Kurt Angle's throat and squeeze until the Olympic Zero was safely roasting in the fires of hell. Androids without working emotion chips did not engage in such passionate murder fantasies.

    "Is Commander McMahon-Helmsley working tonight?"

    "Stephanie requires sleep." Jericho said blandly. Was she sleeping alone? God, he needed to think about the Titanprize engines, not the the ship's misguided human mattress....

    "It's a miracle she can sleep." Joe shook his head in disbelief. "I mean, the nightmares she must have about Benoit..."

    "Benoit?"

    "Benoit." Joe sighed heavily. "You know, down in Information and Linguistics we do a lot of sophisticated  code work, encrypt a lot of high-profile, top secret data. None of it ever got to me...until now."

    If that mad scientist had even put a scratch on Princess...Chris blinked. Hard. More than anything he wanted to rip the emotion chip out of his finger and reduce it to ashes with phaser fire. Clearly, Hunter hadn't ruined his precious bride's invention - he'd merely tampered with it to drive Jericho nuts!

    That was the only logical conclusion!

    "Tell me what Benoit did to Stephanie."

    "Oh boy sir." Joe took a deep breath. "I've already revealed too much, upset you-"

    "It is not possible to upset me." Jericho assured him in even, measured tones. "I am merely curious to know if Lt. Chris Benoit is a danger to Commander McMahon-Helmsley or Wrestlefleet. If you are worried that I will share this conversation with Benoit-"

    "Like I'd doubt the word of the great Lt Commander Jericho!" Joe laughed. Jericho didn't. "It was during a Wrestlefleet Intelligence Op, sir. Led by Shane McMahon."

    "The weasel?"

    Intriguing....Chris could make the transition from formal machine to smart-ass smooth as silk. Quite a mood swing for someone operating on a flawless emotion chip.

    "I'm sure Shane had no idea that - well he'd never approve of such a thing!" Joe sat down, as if he couldn't bear the weight of what he had to say. "Lt Benoit created this incredible bomb...Vince wanted to use it against the Nytron if they stepped out of line. Well....Benoit had another target in mind - Lieutenant Rock."

    "So?" Like Jericho cared.

    "So.....the bomb was a high-impact plasma explosive." Joe explained. "Small enough to fit into...say....a diamond necklace."

    "Where is this going?"

    "Stephanie was presenting Rock with an award on Copeland-9. Ensign Helmsley bought his wife a new necklace for their second honeymoon, a piece of jewelry she planned to wear to the ceremony."

    "Princess likes shiny things. Of course she'd wear it."

    "Benoit had the same opinion." Joe was warming to the tragic tale. "So he planted a plasma bomb in a diamond and made sure Hunter would get his hands on the gem."

    "No."

    "Would've worked too, if not for Steph's boyfriend."

    "Steph's...boyfriend?" Jericho shook his head. "Kirk Angel?"

    "Angel?" Joe frowned. "No. Jeff Hardy."

    Jeff? Not logical at all. Stephanie often compared the young Aerialian to the gum you scraped off your shoe-mildly annoying, didn't taste all that great in your mouth, and you wanted to get rid of him after five minutes.

    "I think that's when they became more than friends." Joe was still talking. "After Ensign Hardy disarmed the bomb around her neck. Guess danger makes for strange bedfellows."

    Jeff? In a bed? With a woman?

    "Sir?"

    The sharp scent of burnt wires shocked Jericho into the waking world. His tri-corder was nothing but a crushed, twisted mass of scorched steel and melted wires, the victim of android strength and....anger?

    Impossible.  Anger was not part of his make-up anymore.

    Then why did the rage seething in his positronic net threaten to blind him?

    "....midnight in the Smackdown."

    "What?"

    "I was just saying you should avoid the Smackdown tomorrow night." Joe told him. "Benoit usually likes to  hang there around midnight cause it's so quiet and he won't be disturbed."

    Midnight? The perfect time for Benoit to pay for his sins, to feel the fear Stephanie must have felt.....

    Revenge was perfectly logical, wasn't it?

OUTSIDE ENSIGN EDGE AND CHRISTIAN'S QUARTERS

    "We have finally transcended sucktitude, little buddy."

    "Maybe...maybe it would help to have a memorial service." Christian suggested, resting a solemn hand on Edge's shoulder. "It would be a totally excellent excuse to wear bitchin' black sunglasses!"

    The cocky Kanatian smiled wistfully. "The crazy-ass kind, Christian?"

    "Now Edge...." Little brother hesitated. "While you totally ooze awesomeness, the bug-eyed visual accessorizing is sooo my thing!"

    "Dude," Edge nodded in surrender. "I can feel the tears, you know, but I am just so totally scared that my eyes will get red and puffy! I - I can't risk that!"

    "Whoever did this..." Christian shook his head, praying to the almighty god above that not a single blonde lock would shimmer out of place. "They will so feel the wicked and most heinous wrath of our revengeance!"

    "I can't believe it's gone." Edge whispered, fingers lightly touching the sparkling shards of glass scattered on the carpet. "Just when we'd bonded...."

    "There will be other mirrors!" Christian held his brother tight as the sobs began. "I have a bodacious piece of glass you could borrow! It will so make your lips look even poutier!"

    "My god Christian!" Edge jerked away. "Is there no limit to your so totally not radical desensitivity? How can I...how can I replace something that's given so much of itself? Tell me little buddy! Why I should I go on living when I can no longer see the beauty that is...Edge?"

    "Oh geez guys." Joe kneeled down in front of the shimmering mess as if worshipping at a sacred temple. "I knew Jeff was mad at you for that chair shot, but I never imagined....my good god."

    "Jeff Hardy?" Christian asked. "The total dweeb with the technicolor hair? Talks like he just sucked on a helium balloon?"

    "I assume the purple and blue streak I just saw tearin' down the hall was Ensign Hardy." Joe replied.

    "I don't understand this kind of evil." Edge whispered. "I guess I can totally understand being ripped about the awesome concussion I gave him.....but....this...."

    "I do not understand!" Christian cried. "That was chairalicious to the max!"

    "Totally!" Big brother agreed. "He wants to smack me upside the head, fine! But to take the life of an innocent mirror? It had so much more to offer the world and he snuffed out its precious flame! Jeff Hardy sucks!"

    "Yeah well, he said if you wanted to discuss it he'd be waiting in the Smackdown at midnight tomorrow." Joe said. "Told me he'd only need one foot to kick both your asses if you wanted to get uppity about it."

    "I am so gonna get uppity!" Christian snapped.

    "Let's mess up his hair!" Edge snarled, the fires of hatred burning in his eyes.

OUTSIDE HOLODECK 6

    "Ensign Lita - wait up!"

    She turned her head slightly, trying to place the tall, dark-haired officer who beckoned. Joe...something or other; he had one of those handsome, friendly faces that seemed to blend into the crowd. "Joe, right?"

    "Yeah. Just Joe. Look I wanted to explain about what you overheard in the Smackdown yesterday. Ensign Angle didn't know what the heck he was saying and-"

    Her stomach twisted itself into a knot. Of course - that's how she remembered Joe! Kurt had been spilling his poor pathetic guts out about how Jeff has improperly touched the pure and virginal Stephanie McMahon-Helmlsey. Joe had been the unfortunate listener. "Forget it. I should have known better."

    "What are you talking about?" Joe demanded. "You're the smartest ensign in Engineering! And you trust people! Who can fault a girl for trusting the man she loves?"

    "Only a blind idiot would miss the red flags popping up everywhere!" Lita cried. "His blind loyalty towards her, the way Jeff is always rescuing her from danger like some sort of white knight, all that blatantly obvious flirting he does... you know I almost bought the story that he was like a little brother to her! What a naive little jerk I was!"

    "Geesh Lita." Joe sighed. "Romancing an ensign would be highly improper. To suggest the Commander might do that.... "

    "She'a a McMahon!" Lita laughed bitterly. "McMahons take whatever they want and damn everyone else's feelings!"

    "Stephanie couldn't possibly have feelings for Jeff!" Joe insisted. "They've got nothing in common."

    "She doesn't care." Lita shook her red head. "Stephanie likes a challenge, the thrill of possessing something that doesn't belong to her. McMahons enjoy a nice, hostile takeover."

    "Seems greedy. I mean, she's got Hunter and Kurt and Chris.....Jeff's not her type."

    "He's a man. He's breathing. He's her type."

    "Look I happen to know for a fact that Matt and Jeff are inside this holodeck visiting Aerialia right now!" Joe told her. "Ask him to step outside for a minute. Talk it out - you'll see that Jeff only has eyes for you."

    "No offense Joe, but I'd rather find Stephanie and kick her teeth down her throat."

    "Sorry Lita, but I can't just stand here and watch you make a mistake like this." Joe was manually unlocking Holodeck 6's comm. "It's completely unfair to Ensign Hardy. He deserves a chance to defend himself."

    Lita rolled her eyes. Unfair to Jeff? She was the one who looked like a damn fool while Jeffy and Stephie played kissy face right under her nose! Commander McMahon-Helmsley's evil little giggle pulled Lita out of  her self-imposed gloom.

    Joe started to open his mouth. She shut it for him with a kick to the shin and a shake of her head.

    "Would you please be serious, Jeff? All your little jokes are spoiling the mood!"

    "Chris is right. Your nose starts to run when you're angry."

    "It does not!" Stephanie sniffed. "Do you want me to leave, Jeff, or do you want to learn?"

    "Alright, alright." Jeff sighed. "I sure can't do this with Lita and do it right unless you show me how. I'd ask her, but you're way more experienced."

    Lita's mouth fell open.

    "Well, Lita doesn't spend as much time doing this as I do." Stephanie pointed out. "It's practically a hobby with me."

    "I didn't know you had any hobbies that involved standing up-OW!"

    "First, we need romantic music." The computer obliged. "Okay, put your arms around me."

    "Like this?"

    "Where the hell is your hand?" Stephanie demanded. "I already told you that was off-limits!"

    "That's what I'd do with Lita." Jeff sounded pouty. "Except I wouldn't have so much to grab-OW!"

    "You've just got no idea what to do with a woman do you?" Stephanie sighed. "You don't grab. Just hold me very gently okay."

    "Okay. Chris would be awfully mad if I broke you."

    "Don't ever tell Jericho about his!" Stephanie warned him. "He'll think I'm a softie, offering to give you lessons like this."

    "You make it sound like it's my first time or something." Jeff said indignantly. "I have done this before."

    "When you do it with yourself, that doesn't count."

    "It still feels good."

    Stephanie took a deep breath to calm herself down. "What you're gonna do now is move like I showed you before. Without hurting me this time, if you can help it."

    "I'm kind of a spazz."

    "I noticed. Lita's not going to enjoy herself at all if you're stiff and awkward when you move. Just relax okay?"

    "I'm just nervous about tomorrow night." Jeff explained. "I want everything to be perfect for her."

    "I don't understand." Stephanie sighed with despair. "I sense that you're trying really hard and I'm getting nothing out of this. You're Aerialian. Shouldn't you be all flexible and agile and what not?"

    "Maybe it's you." Jeff's tone was accusatory. "We'd probably do a lot better if you were flat on your back and I was-"

    "Sorry to disappoint you." Stephanie said sarcastically. "I like to go easy with the rookies."

    "Oh that is it!" Lita had punched off the comm. "He is the most disgusting, loathesome, slimy scum......" She shook her head to clear the cobwebs. "Oh yeah, I can't wait for our date tomorrow night! Jeff actually thinks I'm gonna spend a night in the sack with him after he warms up with Stephanie? He's out of his mind! The biggest thrill he's going to get tomorrow is my phaser in his shorts!"

    "Wait a minute! Lita!"

    Joe shrugged. Wasn't his fault the silly girl didn't hang around to hear the perfectly innocent explanation .

    "Hey." Jeff stuck his head outside the holodeck doors. "Did you just hear shouting? Like right out in the hallway here?"

    "Gosh no." Joe said innocently. "How are the dancing lessons coming along?"

    "They'd go a lot better if Stephanie didn't waste so much time slapping me silly." he answered. "But I guess Lita probably won't marry me if she thinks I'm gonna dance like an idiot at our wedding. It's worth the abuse."

    "You're a really devoted boyfriend, Ensign Hardy. I hope Lita realizes how very lucky she is."

DECK 15

    ".....so I wear my gold medals not for the purposes of self-congratulation and vanity, but to teach young ensigns everywhere that you can achieve your dreams through the ideals of intensity, integrity and intelligence. It's true, it's true."

    "It is true." Joe said sincerely, gratefully shifting his weight to the foot that still had feeling in it. He was supposed to be spotting Kurt while he lifted weights in the Titanprize gym, but Angle preferred to get his exercise blowing hot air instead of doing actual physical labor.

    Even though he could always savor the explosive outcome of his manipulations, sometimes putting them into practice could be downright painful, especially if one of your pawns was an egotistical twit feigning sainthood and sportsmanship.

    At an early age, Joe learned he could fight his own battles using witty zingers as opposed to fists. Once he'd crossed the bridge into the grown-up world, he decided it was time to expand the game, to raise the stakes and go for more than cheap heat. The Titanprize had proven to be the perfect stage on which to direct his grand little dramas....

    The best part was that no one ever knew their buttons were being pushed. They didn't feel their strings being pulled by the puppetmaster with the kind, anonymous, easily forgotten face. Joe was just a friendly ear, a guy skilled in small talk. Didn't even have a mischievous gleam in his eyes!

    It was the easiest thing in the world to do really - you didn't even have to be a genius like Vince McMahon. Three rules: Watch, listen, and then analyze. Pick certain people, play on their weaknesses, their vices, their  love and hate. Jealousy was by far the best catalyst for major confrontations. Slip little lies into honest conversation or use the truth in malicious ways. Set the trap and the little rats would come. Stoke the fires and they burned themselves. It was hilarious how self-destructive some people could become when you played them just right....

    "Are you not interested in my tales of heroism, Joe?"

    "Sorry man." Joe sat on a weight bench, looking grave. "I just can't believe that guy you know? Someone like Hunter....yeah you expect 'em to get a little hot under the collar, but the scene I saw out in the hallway  makes me wanna puke!"

    "Ensign Helmsley? Perhaps he could use some anger management classes?"

    "Oh yeah he could!" Joe nodded vigorously. "Raising his voice to Stephanie like that!"

    "Stephanie?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "My friend, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley? My good friend, nothing more than a simple friend, my pal, Stephanie?"

    Had Angle just winked at him? God, why didn't he just cram the obviousness of their icky relationship down his throat? "Yeah, the one and only."

    Kurt shook his head sadly. "That man needs to be taught some serious lessons about how to treat a lady. You know I have more integrity in my little toe than Hunter Hearst Helmsley has in his whole degenerate body."

    "He's degenerate alright." Joe agreed. "I was appalled when I saw him raise his hand and-"

    "Raise his hand?" Angle's face turned as red as his tights. "You know it's my opinion that violence is never the answer, a value I have tried to teach the illustrious Dr. Taker at every opportunity. Needless to say, this has not prevented the entry of his boot into one of the more sensitive areas of my body. But I digress! Only a coward raises his hand to a woman, and as an American hero, I cannot abide by a coward like Hunter!"

    "Oh of course." Joe agreed. "It's true! He's planning on talking to her tomorrow night in the Smackdown....to discuss the details of the divorce or something. Could get ugly. Good thing it ain't too crowded there at midnight."

    "Oh you better believe your Olympic ensign will be there!" Angle exclaimed. "As someone of integrity, it is my sworn duty to see that my own close personal friend and commanding officer Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley is not harmed by that son of a female dog, Triple H!"

    "I really admire you Kurt." Joe said, his voice thick with phony respect. "I think I might one day reach your level of honor and nobility if I just practice the three I's!"

    "It's true." Angle nodded. "It's true."

THE SMACKDOWN

    "Jeff."

    "Jeff?"

    If he paced anymore, he'd wear a deep hole in the Smackdown's plush carpeting. Plus he'd make Stephanie queasy enough to hurl.

    "Jeff!!!!"

    "Sorry." He stopped. "You got the invitations sent out right? I want all of Lita's friends here to enjoy the look on her face when I spring this surprise party on her."

    "No Jeff, I burned all the invites to keep myself warm. What do you think, idiot? I had that Information Officer Joe send the invites over a shipwide channel so everyone got em'. That way, you look more popular than you really are."

    "Good plan, Steph." Jeff was trying to study everything in the room at once. Would Lita have preferred yellow and white roses to red and blue ones? Maybe the music was too mushy for her. What if she didn't like how the special Aerialian champagne tasted? Terri had been so generous searching her replicator memory banks for just the right kind......He couldn't get Lita a diamond either, not that she was materialistic that way or anything. Diamonds were something unique to Federation space, but he did have a gorgeous ring made of something silvery blue and fiery bright to offer her, a gem found on some mysterious planet or another.....

    "Hey did you invite everyone in your little black book too? Then I'd look the most popular guy in the universe."

    "Stow it Hardly." Stephanie was studying her reflection in the bar's sweeping curved window. Would Chris find the soft, silky ringlets that framed her face "visually pleasing" A surprisingly sad pair of big brown eyes surrounded by a million sparkling stars stared back at her; even the shimmer of creme-colored silk against her pale skin couldn't brighten those eyes. Would Chris find her dress "visually pleasing" as well? Sometimes his robotic speech was so frightfully frigid that she couldn't have much faith in his feeling anything at all.

    "If you stare at your reflection any harder, I'll start mistaking you for Edge." Jeff commented. "You look pretty. Now stop focusing on yourself and direct your energies towards me and my problems."

    "Wow. A compliment from a man who thinks painting his nails is the essence of style. Thanks Jeff."

    "You're welcome."

    "Have you noticed anything different about Jericho?" she asked suddenly.

    "Jericho?" God, he really was all she ever thought about. "Nah. He's gotten a lot meaner since you started drooling all over the Olympic Zero, but that's just his jealousy talking."

    "Right." You couldn't expect insightful commentary or keen observation from a man in a blue and purple ponytail now could you? "You got the ring, right?

    "Actually I ate it for lunch." Jeff showed her the small, black box that held the precious ring. "What do you think?"

    "Well, maybe you should just practice your speech again." Stephanie suggested. "Get confident with the material so you don't get the disastrous urge to improvise."

    "Alright. Pretend your Lita, keeping in mind that Lita doesn't stick her finger down her throat and gag when I say something romantic." Jeff got down on one knee. "Now I know your instincts tell you I'm going to try and get fresh, but rest assured I will not make physical contact with you. Okay - you're Lita now."

    Stephanie smacked him across the face.

    "Hey!" Jeff frowned. "You know if I wake up with a bruise, that will be just like Lita too. By the way, what did Hunter say when he proposed to you? Maybe I can incorporate some of that into my routine."

    "I doubt it." Stephanie sighed. The memory didn't seem so flowery and romantic now. Growing up and realizing the truth took the blissful excitement of her first marriage proposal and just about killed it. "He was all like....so you wanna get married?"

    "Short and....well never mind." Boy, Stephanie was a real jerk-magnet and she wasn't getting any less attractive to the scum aboard the ship, as evidenced by the slimy courtship of Ensign Angle. "Okay. Here I go. Lita....ever since we were little kids growing up on Aerialia, I dreamed about marrying you and - hey! You're turning green!"

    "Well I am sooo sorry! I really believe Lita would toss her cookies right now! I'm trying to be realistic!"

    "To be 100% realistic, you'd have to replace your big fat ring finger with Lita's beautiful, delicate one, but that ain't gonna happen so we'll have to work with this." Jeff snapped back. "Now stop cutting in or I'll practice my kissing on you too!"

    Silence.

    "Thank you." he said smugly. "As I was saying Lita darling.....in the beginning, just loving you was enough to make me happy. When you said you loved me back, everything that ever happened to me before that just paled in comparison to hearing you say the words. Believe it or not, I'm still not the luckiest or happiest man on earth yet and I won't ever be unless you say you'll spend the rest of your life with me. So...will you marry me?"

    "Jeff!"

    "Oh god." He couldn't look. "Oh my god. Tell me Lita is not standing there watching me do this."

    "I'd tell you, but then I'd be lying." Stephanie began to mentally prepare her last will and testament. She hoped an old-school ass-kicking didn't hurt as much as Hunter said it did. "Lita-"

    "Shut up slut, before I shut you up!" Lita was smoldering, like a fire ready to rage out of control. "What kind of sicko are you Jeff? Inviting me on a date so I could help celebrate you and Steph's little engagement? You are nuts! When I get done doing the girly thing and crying my eyes out, I swear to god I am going to torture and kill you both!"

    "Lita-no!" Jeff jumped to his feet and tried to chase after her. The steel chair that Christian was holding stopped him cold. Actually it knocked him flat out. "That was for Edge! And the mirror you killed in cold blood!"

    "What the hell are you doing?" Stephanie grabbed Christian's arm. "He was going to propose to his girlfriend tonight and now he won't even remember who the heck he is! What? Did Shane send you to do that?"

    "Shane O'?" Christian seemed confused. "He's cool, but he'd never appreciate anything so totally chairalicious."

    "Stop saying that!" Stephanie cried. "There's no such word!"

    "You can't even wait for the divorce can you, honey?" Hunter was in her face, sneering. "I am going to bleed you dry you little slut! God, did you really think you could get it on with Hardy under my nose and not have me find out? I am the Game dammit! You will not deny me what I am owed, especially after I catch you accepting a ring from that little fruitcake on the floor!"

    "You know what Hunter?" Stephanie went ice cold. "If you're the damn Game, then how the hell can you be so freakin' stupid to think I'd get hitched to Twinkle Toes down there? He was going to propose to Lita, you big jealous moron! He was practicing his speech so he didn't sound as utterly uninspired as you did the day you tempted me into making the worst damn mistake of my life!"

    "Maybe I just wasn't in the mood to waste valuable energy and words on a cheap tramp who was gonna spit em back in my face anyway."

    Stephanie slapped him. Hunter stood frozen for a moment, as if in shock. His wife had never dared strike him before. Betrayed him, yes. Fooled around behind his back, yes. Physically laid a hand on him...no. It enraged him to be disrespected like that.....

    "I recommend you put that hand down before I kick some integrity down your throat and use your two eyes for target practice."

    "Stay the hell out of this Angle!" Hunter turned his fury on the All-American Boy Scout, felt his temper flare even hotter in the face of that damn self-righteous smirk. "Before Taker has to dig those gold medals out of your-"

    "You better not use the A word in the lady's presence!" Kurt retorted.

    "That's enough Kurt! I can handle Hunter!" Stephanie was tired of Angle always smothering her, always telling other men how they could and could not treat her! It was like having another father or something! "Oh and guess what! Stop being an ass!"

    "Why Stephanie!"

    "You got great taste in men, Steph!" Hunter shook his head. "I mean, if it ain't the dainty little virgin on the floor, it's the King of the Thirty Year Old Virgins standing right here! Course, you always had to have the upper hand in any relationship didn't you, sweetheart?"

    "Finally saw the light, huh Trip?" Jericho decided there was too much fun being missed by simply listening and observing. "Innocence lasts about as long as a beer around Bradshaw when Stephanie hits the scene. And trust me, when it comes to fresh young ensigns, Skankanie uses far more than just the upper hand!"

    "Just go and melt somewhere you titanium twit!" Stephanie hissed. The last thing she needed was Chris catching her in this bizarre cosmic soap opera, thinking she wanted any of these men! It would just give him more ammo to fire at her!

    "God, you really wore this one out didn't you?" Jericho nudged Jeff's prone body with his foot. "I hope he recovers."

    "I didn't touch him!" Stephanie snapped. "Christian did that with a steel chair!"

    "Cool pinkie ring!" Christian picked up the blue-silver gem that had fallen out of Jeff's pocket. He tried it on and studied his reflection in the ever-present handheld mirror. "Whoa! Totally ringalicious! The way this thing sets off my eyes.....pardon me, it takes my breath away!"

    "If you ever combine delicious with any other word again, I will combine my fist with your face!" Stephanie shouted at him. It was hard to hear her over Triple H and Kurt and Jericho's three-way verbal smackdown. "But congratulations lamer! You're now engaged to Jeff Hardy!"

    "Am not!"

    "Pardon the Rock for interrupting Jabroni." The People's Lieutenant tapped Angle on the shoulder. "I was told I could find you here."

    "Yeah?" Angle was slowly losing his cool and his integrity. How dare any of these men raise their voices in anger and utter such filthy insults in front of his friend Stephanie? He was certain a woman of her virtue had to be appalled by the suggested places he could stick his 3 I's! "Who told you that?"

    "Well the Rock says this. Apparently that silver-spoon sucking rich boy on the bridge has been punking the Rock out, saying he was hiding behind his tired catchphrases. And the Rock said...just bring it!"

    Triple H frowned. "Doesn't that just prove his point?"

    "Wake up and smell your wife's dirty panties, jabroni!" Rock snapped. "The Rock is more than the sum of his one-liners. The Rock is all about turning things sideways and sticking things up people's candy asses. The Rock is all about kicking people's candy-asses all over god's green earth. The Rock is all about just bringing it, if you smelllll-la la la what the Rock is cooking!"

    "While I have no idea what that all meant, I do know this." Kurt said. "Whatever the honorable Commander Shane McMahon said about you, that has nothing to do with your Olympic ensign!"

    "It doesn't matter if you understand it or not!" Rock retorted. "What does matter is this: Shane said he was too busy on the bridge to hit Rock Bottom, but that you'd be happy to take his place like the good little llama-licking piece of monkey crap you are!"

    "I don't think-" But it didn't matter what Kurt Angle thought; it was too late. Rocky had already spit on his hand and smacked the Olympic zero across the face, sending him flying across the bar.

    "What the hell is in that spit?" Jericho murmured. Perhaps he should do a scientific study....

    "Lieutenant Commander?" Benoit's was like a silent assassin, sneaking up on Chris with such stealth that the android almost hadn't heard him. Almost. Nothing could slip past his superhuman hearing at such close range. "I demand to know why you refused to sign off my warp drive experiments! They would assist us in getting home, yet you can't see past your own petty professional jealousy to worry about that!"

    "What?" Jericho was only half-listening. Stephanie was so concerned about poor little Jeff, sitting beside him and trying to wake him up from his chair-induced coma. Analyzing her facial expressions, he determined that there was a 99.9999% chance that Commander McMahon-Helmsley's concern could be described as sisterly. "Listen up Benoit and listen good, cause I'm only gonna say this once. I don't even know what the heck you're talking about and I really don't give a damn either! All project approvals go through Vinnie Mac. As for owing someone an explanation jerky...."

    Now Stephanie was kneeling beside Ensign Angle, touching his hair lightly, examining the bruise that was forming on his pretty boy face. If he was analyzing her body language correctly, she was not behaving out of platonic compassion. Then again, maybe he should spend more time observing her body language just to make sure....

    "Actually Benoit, I honestly don't have that much of a problem with you. In fact, I'd like to thank you. It's your brand of Intelligence operation that will make the Titanprize a better place to be. Only the next time you attempt to blow someone up, try harder!"

    Benoit's mouth fell open. Jericho didn't care.

    After all, even if he couldn't feel it, that sort of anger was expected of him....