WITTY, PITHY, & JUST PLAIN WEIRD...
Humorous Quips from All Walks of Life & Beyond
CANNIBALISM
COMPUTER
CUISINE
CULTURE
DEATH
"DUH!"
FAMILY
HEALTH
HISTORY
INEXPLICABLE
INTELLIGENCE
LIFE
LOVE
MEDECINE
MEDIA
MODERN LIFE
MORAL VALUES
PHARMACOLOGY
PHILANTHROPY
PHILOSOPHY
PSYCHOLOGY
RELIGION
SCIENCE
SEX
WEIRD
- Humans: Bet you can't eat just one.
- If vegetarians eat vegetables, I guess that makes me a humanitarian.
- There are two major products that come out of Berkeley; LSD and BSD Unix. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
- We should build an Intel processor out of penguins.
reality.sys corrupted. universe halted. reboot (y/n)?
- Big donkeys, small donkeys, all good to eat.
- Is it just me or are all uncles either really cool, or child molesters?
- Win a live rat for your mother-in-law!
- Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
- Darwin's Law of Carcinogens: Cancer cures smoking.
- The three greatest men who ever lived were Eleanor Roosevelt.
INTELLIGENCE (OR LACK THEREOF)
- The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Change your mind, it's starting to smell.
- Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
- Ignorance can be cured -- but stupid is forever.
- The reason people get lost in thought is because it is, to many, rather unfamiliar territory.
- It's not that life is too short, it's that death is too long.
- A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.
- Death without pain is like a sundae without sprinkles.
- Despite the high cost of living, it remains a popular item.
- Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
- Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
- Don't knock masturbation; isn't sex with someone you love the best kind?
- Chaste makes waste.
- Virginity can be cured.
- Time Warner: bringing you the finest in cradle-to-grave thought management.
- For every new foolproof invention there is a new and improved fool.
- You don't have a disease. You just live in New Jersey.
- To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
- Welcome to Borger King. Your way will be assimilated.
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.- The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
- The Delta-United Ring Formation Theory states that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
NAVIGATING THE PERILS OF MODERN LIFE
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- How many times do I have to tell you that drilling holes in your head will not relieve stress?
- The most useful tool for dealing with management types is, of course, an automatic weapon.
- If at first you don't succeed, try following the instructions.
- Drive defensively; buy a tank.
- Drive carefully. 90% of the people in the world are caused by accidents.
- Boxing is a lot like ballet, except that they don't dance, there isn't any music, and they hit each other.
- Futility is futile.
- Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
- Convictions cause convicts.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
- A nudist is just a person in a one-button suit.
- You mean you need drugs to hallucinate?
- Que sera, serotonin.
- The more people I meet, the more I love my battle axe.
- Kill two birds with one stone. Feed the homeless to the hungry.
- Of course it belongs to me, I'm a communist.
- The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist is afraid that it is.
- Bad things come to those who wait too.
- Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone renounced violence forever? I could then conquer the whole stupid planet with just a butter knife.
- Death is an illusion. Life is a hallucination. Taxes are objective reality.
- There's someone in my head, but it's not me
- Occam was never the target of a conspiracy.
- Portions of the preceding were recorded. As for the rest of it, I'm very much afraid it was all in your mind.
- "I only live about ten percent in this reality." "So where's your summer cottage?"
- The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals.
- Our god's the FUN god! Our god's the SUN god! Ra! Ra! Ra!
- Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods.
- Abortion kills, but so does McDonalds.
- Cthulhu saves our souls and redeems them for valuable coupons later.
- Liberals don't believe they deserve anything they own; conservatives think they're entitled to everything they've stolen.
- Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- Lions: 5, Christians: 0.
- Okay, everyone out of the gene pool!
- People who emit Cherenkov radiation make me nervous.
- I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Dating processes are dependent on the analysis of rocks.
- Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
- All that glitters has a high refractive index.
- Specialization is for insects.
- Only the lavender prairie dogs know the key to unlock the secret of the tumble-weeds.
- If infinite rednecks fired infinite shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, they'd eventually create all the great literary works of the world in braille.
- Frogs are my favorite vegetable.
- If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, and quacks like a duck it is probably just a tool of the conspiracy.
- Help! There's a cow in my esophagus!
- Remember, we have to get the baby out of the oven today.
- The Jetdillo Project: 2000 pounds of steel, 20,000 pounds of thrust. One pair of very dark shades. The world's first fully cybernetic, SSTO-capable armadillo. Coming soon from Armadillo Labs. The Dasypian Future begins tomorrow...[ jetdillo.com]
- Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Many of these quotations are courtesy of plasticboy.com.
To the best of our knowledge, all quatations listed on ElementalsForge are part of the public domain. If you believe otherwise, please send information on the original source for posted quotes to elementalsforge@yahoo.com and we will give proper credit. We also welcome suggestions to add to this collection!
