15 September, Week 1

It has been confirmed that there are 35 teams in the league and for the first week of play, Rat Palace Wednesday are placed joint seventh. A particularly good start to the season by Gianluca Festa gave the team six points out of this week's total of 26, with Guppy, Pistone and Duff failing to score. The defenders brought in the majority of the points this week.

Out of our five rival friends teams, we are only being beaten at the moment by Dylan and the Dead who are a mere one point ahead. It's A Fish Dream, Waldegrave Wanderers and Real Tricky are nowhere in sight. Up the Rats!

22 September, Week 2

Two new, last-minute additions to the league mean that now we are one of 37 teams. This week, Rat Palace Wednesday have dropped three places to tenth, scoring only seven points. This week's aggregate star players are Seaman, Mendonca and Di Canio each bringing in six points. Guppy is still performing least well with an aggregate score of minus one. Defence are still doing well but were pipped in the points by our three strikers this week.

We are now the best team out of our friends group. Dylan and the Dead had a poor week, dropping to twentieth place. It's A Fish Dream fell from 18 to 29 (that's Scott's team - tee hee!), Waldegrave Wanderers are stagnant at 30 and Real Tricky is currently in wooden spoon position at 37!

29 September, Week 3

Holding its own, the team is still placed tenth this week, having scored a measly five points. Frank Le Boeuf, our trusty bald Frenchman is the current star performer with seven points. Guppy still gets the booby prize. There was an almost equal split between the defence and attack combinations in the points this week.

As for our rivals, Dylan and the Dead have sneaked back up to 17th place and Real Tricky have scraped themselves off the bottom into 33rd place. It's a Fish Dream are hanging in at 29 and Waldegrave Wanderers are hard into the relegation zone at 36...

6 October, Week 4

The team has clawed its way up two places to eighth, scoring eleven points. The defenders shone this week, getting 55% of the points and Seaman and Festa are currently the top boys with nine points apiece. Pistone has joined Guppy in the dunce's corner, both having a big, fat zero.

Dylan and Dead are starting to gain ground against us and are now in the dangerous twelfth position. The others are still way out of sight with Real Tricky and Waldegrave Wanderers coming 28th and 31st respectively and It's a Fish Dream dropping stone-like to 33rd place.

As there are no league matches next week due to England's next crash-and-burn attempt at international ball-kicking, there will be no fantasy football results either.

20 October, Week 6

The incredibly consistent nature of the Rats means that we're still in eighth place after scoring eight points. The defence have been working particularly hard this week with Leboeuf being our Main Man, currently with ten points to his name. Pistone gets another hash sign for making a hash of this week. He still has a very Italian zero.

Bad news on the friends competition front. Dylan and the Dead have shot up six places to sixth place - bah, humbug! It's A Fish Dream have climbed an amazing 18 places but are still in mediocre fifteenth. Real tricky are out of the danger zone in 24th place now but Waldegrave Wanderers have fallen a further two places to 33.

28 October, Week 7

Woe is us, it's been a bad week for the Rats! We have tumbled nine places to - eek! - seventeenth, mostly due to Frank Leboeuf, our previous best player, being sent off before being on the pitch for the requisite 75 mins. We knew picking that bald bloke was a bad idea... Rat Palace Wednesday, nil points.

Dylan and the Dead continue to scale the heights of brilliance and are now in a very scary fourth place. Real Tricky are still holding their own at 24 with It's A Fish Dream champing at their heels. Waldegrave Wanderers have reached new lows of crapdom and are now... wait for it... last!

3 November, Week 8

Horror, horror, horror! We are - gulp! - joint twenty-third after a terrible week only scoring three points. It's all that idiot Di Canio's fault for being suspended. We can't make any substitutes till 23 November either - damn! David Seaman is keeping our end up with an aggregate of twelve points to his favour and the defence are still bringing home the bacon. Pistone is prime candidate for hoofing when transfers are allowed. He is now in the red with minus three.

Dylan and the Dead are static in fourth place and Real Tricky have crept up ahead of us into twenty-first place after their feeble start. It's A Fish Dream are just behind us with Waldegrave Wanderers still in joint bottom place. At least someone is worse off than us!

10 November, Week 9

It doesn't get any better. We've dropped one further place to an all-time low of twenty-fourth. The defence are continuing to rack up the most points for us with David Seaman the constantly rising star on fifteen points. Pistone is definitely in transfer territory and we'll be waving bye-bye to him soon. Sorry, mate, but just being Italian ain't enough.

Dylan and the Dead have also had a poor week and have slithered down seven places to eleventh. Real Tricky and It's A Fish Dream have closed the gap between themselves and are toughing it out in twenty-sixth and twenty-seventh places. Waldegrave Wanderers are still fighting to keep off the bottom spot.

17 November, Week 10

Phew! A better week all round. The Rats have found some form at last and have charged up the table eight places to joint sixteenth with a solid defence bringing in over half the points. David Seaman has increased his total points to eighteen in another successful week. The midfield has been very weak overall so expect changes there soon...

Dylan and the Dead are still sliding but are clinging on by their fingernails to the top half of the table in joint twelfth. Real Tricky have had a little spurt and clambered up four places to twenty-second. It's A Fish Dream have slid another two places and Waldegrave Wanderers look destined for disaster, still being in penultimate position.

24 November, Week 11

Not a bad week, really, as we only dropped one place to joint seventeenth. The defence are holding firm as usual, except for Pistone who has now been sent for an early bath to be replaced by Stefan Schnoor of Derby County, currently holding fifteen points to his credit. He has a suitably ridiculous name and comes from Hamburg so fits perfectly with the Rat Palace Wednesday team ethos. Go, Schnoor, go!

Dylan and the Dead are contuing their steady slide towards us and are now only three places ahead. Real Tricky have gone crashing down the bottom half again and now share thirtieth place with our old rivals, It's A Fish Dream. Waldegrave Wanderers have hit rock bottom yet again. It has just been leaked to the press that they're replacing their eleven with the entire cast of 'Fame!' in the hope of reviving their chances.

1 December, Week 12

Slip slidin' away to twenty-first place this week, down four. Schnoor has made a blistering start to his Rat Palace season by failing to score any points at all. Even the great David Seaman has ground to a halt on 18, so nothing good to report this week.

Our rival teams have largely had a much better week than us. Dylan and the Dead have slipped one place but It's A Fish Dream are up seven place, Real Tricky up five and even Waldegrave Wanderers have climbed three places off the bottom even without the help of the Kids from Fame.

8 December, Week 13

A spark of hope this week as the Rats jump three places to eighteenth. David Seaman is still our Golden Boy having increased his personal pointage to 21. Schnoor, on the other hand, our star replacement, has yet to get off the starting blocks and we may be a candidate for the Least Successful Substitution Award. The defence are still bringing in all the points. Bad news this week is that Poyet, our top midfielder, is out with a broken leg. What to do?

We are now ahead of the game again as Dylan and the Dead have slipped six places and have even dropped below It's A Fish Dream who are snapping at our heels. Real Tricky are non-movers at 25 and Waldegrave Wanderers' fortunes have improved yet again as they've climbed two places. Wonders will never cease.

15 December, Week 14

Top week! We've jumped six places to twelfth and are nearly returning to the form shown at the beginning of the season. Not that substitute Schnoor is helping. He still hasn't scored any points for us and David Seaman hasn't added to his total for this week either. Nice to see the midfielders pulling their weight a bit more this week and bringing in 29% of the points.

We're still hanging in ahead of the local competition. It's A Fish Dream are snapping at our heels in thirteenth and Dylan and the Dead are looking lively at 17. Close behind them are Real Tricky who are storming up the table with surprising gusto. Waldegrave Wanderers, on the other hand, are still flapping pathetically at the bottom of the table in 34th place.

22 December, Week 15

Nothing much to report this week, as we are non-movers in twelfth place. Poyet, though, has taken up the top points position. Having miraculously recovered from his broken leg, he now has 22 points to his credit and Schnoor has STILL failed to score. This is not good. Sack the Manager!

The friendly competition is hotting up and, horror of horrors, Real Tricky are now one place ahead of us! It can't last, though. They lack the consistent form and drive that have characterised the Rats' season thus far. Dylan and the Dead are one place below us and It's A Fish Dream are only three places below that. Poor old Waldegrave Wanderers are still out of the picture at 34. You have to feel sorry for them.

29 December, Week 16

Goin' down, down, down! We've dropped seven places to nineteenth! An atrocious week in ratty football but at least we haven't repeated our week 9 low. Poyet has overtaken Seaman in the points contest with a very respectable 25. Swapping in Schnoor seems like an even worse idea than ever as he still hasn't scored any points. The strikers are rubbish as usual.

Not only have Real Tricky increased their lead over the Rats, but Dylan and the Dead and It's A Fish Dream are both speeding up the table with frightening rapidity. Thank goodness Waldegrave Wanderers still haven't found any form.

5 January, Week 17

Another less than grand week for the Rats. We've dropped a further two places to twenty-first having scored a weedy three points this week. Frank LeBoeuf is the current protege with a whopping 26 points. Having no hair obviously has some advantages. Schnoor has still yet to get off the starting blocks.

It's a Fish Dream have slacked off again to thirteenth but Real Tricky have sneaked up another place to close the gap in fourteenth. Dylan and the Dead can't hack the pace and have dropped below us again into twenty-second. Waldegrave Wanderers are still where they belong at the bottom. Well, not quite but as good as.

12 January, Week 18

The Rats are steadily gaining ground again, having crept up a few places to seventeenth. Le Boeuf has been showing some more pace and has clocked his score up to 29 points. Way to go, Frank! But, guess what? Schnoor : 0. Bad news this week, though. Poyet is now out until April with a dodgy ankle so will have to be subbed out ASAP.

Dylan and the Dead are regaining ground and have slunk up behind us in joint seventeenth. It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky are still hanging in ahead of us, It's A Fish Dream now reaching the dizzy heights of tenth place. Waldegrave Wanderers are... need I say?

Substitution news: 18 January 1999 - Poyet and his wobbly ankle wave bye-bye to Rat Palace Wednesday. It's been nice having you, Gustavo. Welcome, David Beckham, scourge of England's World Cup team of '98. A suitable replacement, n'est ce pas? Shame he plays for Man United but what else can a rat do at this point in the season?

19 January, Week 19

No movement this week. Eventhough we scored a much more respectable thirteen points, we're still languishing in seventeenth place. The defence are still coming up trumps and Leboeuf gets another star this week with an aggregate of 32 points. And hooray for Schnoor - he's actually managed to score three points this week.

Even Real Tricky have sunk back below us in the table, although they are actually placed jointly with us. It's A Fish Dream have climbed one more place to ninth but Dylan and the Dead are sliding back to where they belong in twenty-fourth place. Poor old Waldegrave Wanderers are only just keeping their heads above water. They are fighting for the bottom spot with the Chicken Runners. Everything is right with the world.

28 January, Week 20

Due to FA Cup games being played, there were few league points to be had this week and we didn't score any of them, thereby causing us to slither one place to eighteenth. Frank Leboeuf gets another star for still being our Best Current Player on 32 points. David Beckham, our new sub, has yet to score.

In the cup competition, we have been drawn against Fern and 0 FC, currently riding in eleventh place so it looks like our chances are limited. Matches are to be played this weekend...

It's A Fish Dream are still scaling the heights of creativity and have improved their position to eighth. After a lax start to the season, there have been rumours that Scoremaster Scott has been indulging in a bit of technical jiggery-pokery to improve his team's standing. The FA has been called in to investigate. Meanwhile, Real Tricky are still hanging onto our shirt-tails in joint position with us, Dylan and the Dead are holding fast, as are Waldegrave Wanderers.

2 February, Week 21

Despite scoring a relatively healthy nine points, The Rats have dropped one place to nineteenth. BUT, in the Cup competition, our week's score was enough to completely trounce Fern and 0 FC and carry us through to the next round, along with It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky. Hoo-rah! No change in the Best and Worst Current Player situation.

It's A Fish Dream are now well into the prize-winning zone in seventh place but Real Tricky can't hack the pace and have dropped to twentieth. Dylan and the Dead are on the slide again, dropping two places to twenty-third. Waldegrave Wanderers have evidently given up all hope and are still languishing one off the bottom.

11 February, Week 22

The fortunes of The Rats continue to take a downward turn with a feeble eight points this week causing us to slip to twenty-second place. More substitutions are a necessary prospect. Frank Leboeuf continues to shine on 35 points with David Beckham finally scoring two points to get him off the starting blocks. Our next Cup tie is against the Right Royals who are currently well ahead of us in thirteenth place, but stranger things have happened...

After making several well thought out substituions, Real Tricky have shot up to eleventh place. Grrr! It's A Fish Dream are now way out of sight and looking like winning some serious cash in fourth place. Dylan and the Dead and Waldegrave Wanderers continue to languish below us in the bottom half.

Substitution news: 12 February 1999 - Efen Ekoku is the latest Rat Palace Wednesday reject on account of scoring sod all points and having a broken shoulder. In comes Aston Villa's Julian Joachim as replacement. A preppy and totally unfootballerish first name is his qualification for joining the team. Welcome Jules!

16 February, Week 23

Only three games counted towards this week's score as Cup matches were being played so, not surprisingly, we got no points at all and are still in twenty-second place. Our total pointage is now 176, compared to the top team who are on 227 and the bottom team who are on 128.

All our friends' teams are where they were last week too. Results of the next round of the Cup coming soon...

23 February, Week 24

Oh dear, not good. A pathetic score of three means that we've dropped three places to twenty-fifth. Leboeuf and Joachim are still in the Honours positions but, seeing as Joachim's only just joined the team, it's hardly fair to call him the Worst Current Player. The attackers as a group are still continuing to ponce around and not score any points, leaving the defence to do all the work and bring in over half of the points on theirn own.

It's A Fish Dream have had a slight back-slide to sixth place but Real Tricky have continued their steady advance to tenth place and are looking like winning a prize for their endeavours. Dylan and the Dead are floating a couple of places below us and Waldegrave Wanderers are, as usual, nearly, but not quite, bottom.

2 March, Week 25

A better week for the Rats, scoring a prettier twelve points and climbing to twenty-third place. Both Leboeuf and Joachim scored points and deserve a pat on the back. Well done, those chaps.

The fortunes of our friendly teams remain pretty much unchanged. It's A Fish Dream and Real Tricky are vying for greater glory in sixth and eighth places and Dylan and the Dead are non-movers. Waldegrave Wanderers' valiant attempt not to be completely crap have failed and they are now actually last. If you're going to fail, do it in style, that's what we say. Hoorah for the Wanderers!

9 March, Week 26

Another five points pushes up another place to twenty-second. No change in the Best and Worst Player status this week.

Real Tricky are hanging on to eighth position and the rise and rise of It's A Fish Dream sees them into fourth place! No change for Dylan and the Dead but Waldegrave Wanderers have made a late comeback attempt and jumped three places to 34. Well I never!

16 March, Week 27

Slow but sure wins the race. Well, wins is too strong a word but a fat 13 points moves us up yet another place to twenty-first. The defence are still doing all the work with the attacking slacking as usual.

It's getting tough at the top with Real Tricky mounting a serious challenge on It's A Fish Dream by rocketing into joint fifth place. Tricky's judicious management of late has also won him the Manager of the Month award for February - hoorah for Tricky! Dylan and the Dead are still stuck at 27 and WW have dropped one plce to be third off the bottom...

23 March, Week 28

Still plodding slowly upwards, we've crept to twentieth place with another twelve points, making our current total 221 points, as compared to 277 scored by the current league leaders, Dead Dogs and Grannies. Leboeuf has upped his score to 41 points and is still the star player with Seaman not far behind.

Real Tricky have won the fight for glory, hanging on in fifth place while It's A Fish Dream drop to seventh. Dylan and the Dead and Waldegrave Wanderers are still stuck in the mud.

Week 29: Due to international matches there are no league games this week. But we have made our final substitution for the season. Mr Duff By Name, Duff By Nature has been sent for an early bath in favour of Danish superstar Bjarne Goldbaek, currently playing for Chelsea FC.

6 April, Week 30

A lucky-for-us thirteen points puts us up three places in the table to seventeenth. Schnoor is actually in the red pointswise but Leboeuf is still crowning the heights of achievement.

It's A Fish Dream have rescinded on their promise and can't hack life at the top, dropping four places to eleventh. Real Tricky, meanwhile have gained even more ground and are now fourth and are in for some serious dosh if they keep it up. Dylan and Dead are making a steady comeback, climbing two places to 25 and even WW have clawed back another two to creep up to 33.

14 April, Week 31

Oh frabjous day, calloo, callay! A positively STUPENDOUS week sees the Rats scoring an unrivalled 32, yes thirty-two, points! Not only that, we are heading the race for the last Manager of the Month competition. We've bounced up yet another three places with this rampant point-scoring and are now in fourteenth place with 266 points. Frank Leboeuf has a stonking 44 points to his credit now. New signing Goldbaek has already clocked in two points for us. Well done, that man!

Real Tricky are still holding their ground in fourth and are about to compete in the Cup semi-finals. Go, Tricky, go! We have pom-poms at the ready. It's a Fish Dream have recovered some of their composure and climbed back to ninth place and Dylan and the Dead have had a spurt and jumped to twenty-second. Waldegrave Wanderers are, as ever, hanging out near the bottom.

20 April, Week 32

Not much point-scoring going on this week, but we managed a respectable seven points to hold our position in fourteenth place. Leboeuf has dropped a point somehow - is this for real or has Scott messed up the scores again? I think we should be told. Schnoor continues to blott his copy book and is now -2. The attackers are rubbish as per usual.

Real Tricky are also clinging, terrier-like, to their new position but It's A Fish Dream have faded still further and have lost another two places. Dylan and the Dead have lost the ground gained last week but the Wanderers are still hanging bravely on at 33.

27 April, Week 33

We clawed back another place with a very respectable twelve points to put us in thirteenth place. Steve Guppy has now ousted Frank Leboeuf as team star with 49 points. Dwight Yorke is the league's best player with 74 points.

Real Tricky, It's A Fish Dream and Waldegrave Wanderers are all non-movers this week so remain in their relative states of achievement or not as the case may be. Dylan and the Dead have gained one place.

4 May, Week 34

A good week for the Rats, scoring eleven points and just putting us outside the top ten scoring zone in eleventh place, jointly with It's A Fish Dream and Fern and 0 FC. Guppy is still Top Man but Schnoor is proving to be a wrong choice of substitute as he has less than zero points.

Real Tricky have lost their grip slightly and slipped to fifth, with Dylan and the Dead reneging on last week's promise and sliding two. WW are static, as ever, at 33.

11 May, Week 35

A storming week as we race towards the end of the season. Twenty-three points puts us into eighth place, only one below where we began in Week 1. At this rate, we might even get our £10 entry fee back! Guppy has increased his pointage to 52 and Schnoor has regained some credability by putting himself back in the black with two.

It's A Fish Dream have pipped us into seventh place and Real Tricky are hanging on in fifth, so it looks like the last week of the season will be decisive as we three battle it out at the top. D and the D and WW are nowhere in sight and show no signs of making a last-minute spurt up the table.

18 May, Week 36

Hurrah and huzzah! The season endeth and, in strangely symmetrical fashion, we have finished the season exactly where we started - in seventh place. Grabbing eleven points this week has secured our place in the top ten and we can at least say that we got our entry fee back and had nine months' entertainment for nothing. Can't be bad, eh? Steve Guppy wins the overall Best Player award for scoring 52 points over the season, bless his cotton socks.

Even better, the week's fortunes were less kind to our rivals and Real Tricky and It's A Fish Dream both had a flutter of turbulence and went crashing down to finish below us. So, of our friendly group of rivals, we are triumphant! Dylan and the Dead finished at 22 and Waldegrave Wanderers, who were never really in it, poor dears, were 33rd (out of 37, remember). Better luck next time, guys.

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