Random thoughts and teachings by one Crimson Danger 3000
(who as luck would have it is NOT a "cool OC indie chick" but is sadly forced to deal with them on a regular basis nonetheless)
Living behind the Orange Curtain as I do I have had far too much free time to pontificate upon the unparalleled model of "lovliness" that we will hencforth refer to as "the Cool O.C. Indie Chick". Now strangly enough in this wacky county of ours (I say this reluctantly as I STILL live in this *mostly* god forsaken place) nearly the same rules apply for the girls wishing to hook it up with the male counterpart of this phenomenon, that being "the Cool O.C. indie boys". More on this specimen in later editons perhaps.
First we must completely identify our subject. If you've spent anytime in Orange County then you know them intimately, you know the REALLY "cool" and usually underage chicks that hang out at the local scenester bar that shall remain nameless (as there are only 2 "cool" places to drink here in O.C. I shall leave it at that.....you O.C. kids know what I'm talking about here, and besides, I might need to follow my own rules at some point and hook it up with one of those underage "cool OC indie boys" if my luck remains at it's current level and this can't afford to be permantely blacklisted...yet).
At any rate, you know the girls of whom I speak as you can normally see them scamming free drinks off any and all of the older men in the place. You know, the girls with the uber-modified-pixie haircuts (note: beware of shorthaired OC indie girls we shall refer to as the "muthafuckinhaircuts" matk my words....additional note: beware of anyone that uses that much "product" or even calls hair shit "product" for that matter) and fancy designer labeled getups made to look "streety" and oh so "lo-fi" to give off the impression that they just crawled out of bed, but didn't really. You know, the "outfits" freshly purchased during their lunch break from Urban Outfitters/the MAC.counter/Abercrombie/etc. at all those "hip" and most assuredly overpriced South Coast Plaza OC Scenester stores, because that's what both "Vogue" AND "Jane" said was in this week.
Well kids listen up, because "hookin' it up with the cool O.C. indie chick" rule number 1 is:
YOU MUST BUY A VOLKSWAGON JETTA!
Now you might think that the cool O.C. indie chick responds better to say, the Mercedes or the BMW, but in actual practice it's the good ole Jetta that really gets them all hot and bothered! Hell if you don't have the money to buy or lease a Jetta just yet, you mightwant to consider borrowing one from a friend. Hey or better yet, why not just rent one for a couple of days and hang out at all the "cool OC indie chick" hot spots like the Detroit Bar and La Cave...this draws them in like flies; once again mark my words kids and rewards aplenty you will reap!
Tip numero dos: Whne you engage said subject in conversation (which assuredly will happen once you're spotin' the sparkly new Jetta) be sure to tell them you work in one of those trendy overpriced South Cast Plaza stores, and that you can get them discounts for the "right" price. You get added brownie points for stating thjis and will undoubtably get that much closer to "hitting that" even more quickly and with much less effort I might add. BUT, for the ultimate "hit that" results be sure to tell them that not ONLY do you work in the mall, but you work in THE Jimmy Choo store. The "cool O.C. indie chicks" LOVE Sex and the City, seeing it as a mirror of what they mistakenly believe life will be once they marry that Newport Beach stockbroker they've been stalking all these years (you know, kinda like that guy on that show The Bachelor...yeah just like that "super hot" guy who graduated from *suprise suprise* good ole' USC) to get their freshly manicured hands on a pair of the 600-5000 dollar shoes at a discount to be even more like their "fabulous" heroines from HBO's hit show.
That being said, I now possess a wealth of information on the "cool O.C. indie chick" that i've compiled after many sociological experiments here in the O.C. (having far surpassed the phase of absolute disgust and revulsion...it was a challenge I assure you) and am currently planning to teach a seminar to enlighten the masses inhabiting this fine county of ours who still want to "keep it real" but just need a few tips to "hook it up" with the cool OC singles on those lonely nights. We will be studying these creaturs in both their natural environment (the scenester bars of this fine county) and if that fails we can hit the local dive bars to "keep it real" with the older and less picky set...any takers?
As an additional note, I was only legally able to pass along a few tips for hookin' it up with the cool OC indie chick, as otherwise it would detract from my seminar goers who pay good money (but mostly buy me lots of cheap wine...frequently) to hear more on this topic. That being said, should you feel the need to attend one of my seminars just let me know and I'll be sure to hook you up with the new member "10% introductory discount" card and reserve you your very own seat in my super elite and most informative seminar!
That's all for now kids, I wish you luck in your endeavors out there in the lovely land we like to call hell *erm* Orange County.
