Anyone who knows me understands that I'm no fashion model. Sure, I like cool clothes, I look good in a suit, and I've been known to have some fancy pants. But like most men, I don't really like to shop. Usually I'm content to let the women in my life dress me, they have better taste than I. But there is one thing I can say in reguard to couture: you will see me wearing a tux and lying in a velvet lined box before I am ever caught wearing a goatee or wallet chain!
Women of the world, I plead, STOP DATING THESE FUCKING TURDS! You only encourage them. I propose that if these "dudes" or "bros" were cut off from their supply of "play" they would be forced to realize it was because of the worldwide sanctions against all goatbearded anti-wallet-theft-device enthusiasts-- leaving them no choice but to give it up. So girls please, not even a blow-job. For God's sake not even a hug until that chin is clean shaven and that hideous back-pocket to belt-loop umbilical cord has been severed.
Now guys you may be thinking, "but my goatee makes me look tough and sexy like that guy from Mudd Bizkit". Trust me, he's an ass. There's a reason that beard has a name and that is because the only thing it makes you look like is, it's true, a GOAT. I can think of no circumstances; barring bizarre homosexual subcultures in Afghanistan that I may be unaware of, where looking like a goat is considered sexy. Shave. Now. In my book, the only person able to remain dignified with hair on his chinny chin chin was Fu Manchu. He was a criminal mastermind. You my friend, are a horse's ass. Shave now.
As for these ridiculous chains, what exactly do you have in your wallet that you need it attached to your pants? A condom, well beyond it's expiration date? Your precious Offspring ticket stub? The phone # of the one poor young lady who was desperate enough to make out with you at the frat party? It can't possibly be money, otherwise you would have spent it on pants closer to your correct size. In fact, if someone were to "yank your chain" I suspect the entire oversized garmet would most likely come off. Quite embarrassing indeed. Yes, if you feel the need to wear chains, why not add a white sheet over your head and stumble about moaning "oooooooooh!" Probably more intimidating than your mach tough guy pose.
And I don't even want to get started on my other pet peeve: white people in dread locks. On a black person dreads can look neat and attractive and are most often employed as a means of signifying membership in the rastafarian religion. On a white person, especially one with blonde or brown hair, all it signifies is that the wearer is not a cat person. Anyone acquainted with our feline friends will testify that straight-haired dreadlocks resemble nothing more than cat vomit. That's right kitty barf. On your head. Ewwww! I believe I will now step down from my soap box. Thank you.
