Hellsing leaves many questions unanswered and people confused. Here are a list of (un)commonly asked questions, and the answers to them. (The questions with dollar signs ($$$) next to them are mine, and my friend Dr. Washu answered them. The rest of the questions are hers, with my answers. =P.) This started out as a serious page, but hey, I can't remain serious for that long, can I? XD;;;
Q: "If vampires turn to dust when shot by silver bullets, how come Jan doesn't?" $$$
A: "Because Jan is special! ;p"
Q: "How come Incognito believes he can defile things when he lacks the proper defiling appendage?" $$$
A: "He's brutally retarded... he needs to sleep it off."
Q: "Why does Doc smile all-the-freaking-time?" $$$
A: "'Cause he's so HAPPY! 8D"
Q: "WTF is Schrödinger, exactly?" $$$
A: "A perverted old homo's wet dream. -_-+"
Q: "Why did they change the makeout scene between the two teenage vampires in the Manga to a blow job scene in Episode 2 of the Anime?"
A: "Because the Anime creators are whores.*"
Q: "Why does Luke's hair inexplicably shorten several inches while Jan is driving a bus through the Hellsing gates but grows back to normal once he's inside the mansion?"
A: "Luke's hair obviously left for a coffee break."
Q: "Where does Walter keep all that dental floss of death when he's not using it?"
A: "In another dimension. ;p"
Q: "Whatever happened to the whore who stupidly propositioned Andersong?"
A: "She went on Jerry Springer."
Q: "Why does Andersong seem to get shorter when Integral is around?"
A: "Integral's presence causes everyone to shorten. (This must mean Maxwell's damned tall when Integral's not around. ;p)"
Q: "If vampires sleep in the daytime, why was Seras running around shooting at a ghoul in the middle of the afternoon?"
A: "Seras was too stupid to realize this. Or maybe her boobs give her a special power! 8D (I apologize to all the Seras fans out there. ^^;)"
Q: "What Adult Shop does Maxwell frequent?"
A: "The Vatican."
Q: "Why does Incognito not wear fake glasses and a mustache to go with his fucktarded name?"
A: "He probably believes he's wearing fake glasses and a mustache. Much like how he believes he can defile people without the correct equipment."
Q: "Why does Andersong's Japanese voice sound so gay?"
A: "They didn't want to make him too cool."
Q: "If Alucard can pop out of the wall randomly, why doesn't he pop out of the wall in the ladies' locker room? ;p"
A: "Alucard should be beyond all that. Although I bet he'd like to do that just to laugh at people when they scream like fucktards. ;p"
Q: "Who the hell were the two guys in black who kept showing up at Hellsing HQ and leaving in the span of two seconds?"
A: "Laurel and Hardy."
Q: "If Helena complains that she hasn't read all the books i her friggin' library, why don't we ever see her reading when she's visited?"
A: "Well, didn't she say she foresaw Seras' visit? Perhaps she was waiting. And that second time she was visited... Well, I'd like to see you reading when you're partially digested by a lame-ass excuse for a vampire with no balls."
Q: "When Jan bites that vampire whore dancer, why does she start bleeding like she had 14 gallons of blood i her neck? (Arteries don't bleed like that...especially if someone's taking in most of what's coming out!)"
A: "That wasn't a vampire whore dancer. It was a life-sized moving blood bag."
Q: "What was the point of the scene where Jan was watching a vampire whore dance?"
A: "Just to please the Anime creators who, I reiterate, are whores.**"
Q: "Is Andersong farsighted or nearsighted?"
A: "Probably farsighted. ;p"
Q: "Why doesn't Andersong shave?"
A: "He cut himself up so many times in the attempt, he's given up on it. ;p"
Q: "Why does the portrait of Integral's dad make him look like a tired, drunken, mussed up bum?"
A: "Because he is! HAHAHAHahahahahahaHAHAFJFHADSFHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! 8D"
Q: "If people say Alucard's clothing is part of his body, how come he is seen without his hat and shades at times~? ;p"
A: "His hat and shades are whole other entities. Much like Luke's hair. ;p"
Q: "Why did they bother bringing back that stupid reporter woman just so she could be Alucard food?"
A: "Because she's stupid. Everyone wants her to be fish food! Or in this case, Alucard food."
Q: "Who would win in a fight? Incognito or Michael Jackson?"
A: "Michael Jackson. His fangirls would stomp on Incognito in 5 seconds flat. Scary idea, huh?"
Q: "Where did Jan get a watch to match his spiffy hat?"
A: "Millenium Stuffs R' Us."
Q: "Is Luke farsighted or nearsighted?"
A: "He probably just needs reading glasses, but keeps them on to make himself look more sophisticated. ;p"
Q: "When Alucard and Andersong first meet in the Manga, do they walk or Riverdance towards each other?"
A: "Riverdancing would've been so much better, huh? 8D"
Q: "Who would win in an armwrestling match: Alucard or Andersong?"
A: "Neither. Alucard would shoot off Anderson's arms, and Anderson would chop off Alucard's arms. Either way, they'd both be left armless and laughing like maniacs. ;p"
Q: "Why does Doc wear whorish clothes?"
A: "Because Doc is a FILTHY WHORE WHO NEEDS TO DIE! ... Which is what I would've said if I didn't like Doc so much. ;p So instead, I'm going to come up with something more tragic, like... He never had enough money for new clothes, so he's wearing the same clothes he's been wearing since he was 10! Yeah, that's it! Or maybe the Major mistook them for lasagna and ate them. WTF."
Q: "Who made Schrödinger wear the little shouta boy rape victim shorts?"
A: "I told you, the Anime creators are whores who do everything to........ Wait. .... DAMN!***"
Q: "Why doesn't that Millenium vampire chick with the tattoos do anything?"
A: "Because she's still trying to figure out if she's a male or female or not. ^^;;;"
Q: "Why do Millenium Nazis laugh?"
A: "Because they're HAPPY! You'd be happy too, if you were a Millenium Nazi! ;p"
Q: "Does Captain ever get hot in that long coat of his?"
A: "Probably. Maybe that's why he looks so uncomfortable all the time. But that could be because the Major smells.****"
Q: "Why does Jan wear white gloves all the time? And how do they manage to stay clean?"
A: "Actually, everyone in Hellsing wears gloves for some reason. ^^;;; Jan must have several pairs. He has to deal with filthy whores all the time, you know. XP ;p"
Q: "How does Seras get her leggings to stay put and not slide down to her shoes?"
A: "Glue. Or, Anime Magic™."
Q: "How long does it take Andersong to grow back limbs that have been removed?"
A: "One night of agony. (You know, like that Skele-Gro formula Harry Potter had to take. HA! XD)"
Q: "With all the vampire/heretic slaying Andersong does, when does he ever say Mass?"
A: "I think Iscariot occupies Andersong with vampire crap so that he won't have to say Mass. Imagine the poor souls who have to attend that. XP"
Q: "With how scary Andersong has a tendency to look, will any of the younger orphanage children need therapy later in their lives?"
A: "Oh, probably. But they will never, ever sin as long as they live. ;p Andersong saw to that. Though what he says is different from what he does, you know. He tells the children violence isn't the answer, then turns around and kills everyone who looks at him wrong. Children don't do what you say! They do what you do! ;p"
Q: "Where does Doc buy his shoes?"
A: "Millenium Stuffs R' Us."
Q: "Why do Andersong's hands sometimes appear larger than his head in the Manga?"
A: "Maybe they grow back improperly. Or, maybe it's the same phenomenon with Seras' boobs growing as large as her face sometimes, and the QUEEN constantly changing her body size."
Q: "What's Captain hiding under his coat~? ;p"
A: "Food. Since he's not anorexic like everyone else in Millenium, (excluding the Major) he MUST be eating SOMETHING. So that's not a constipated look on his face. It's a guilty look. ;p"
Q: "Would the Major fit easily into most overhead storage bins?"
A: "Yes! With room to spare for extra luggage! He would also probably giggle like the doughboy if you poke him, too. ::pokes him:: 8D"
Q: "If he's such a little annoying shit, why does Schrödinger bother to salute the Major?"
A: "Because Schrödinger is infatuated with the Major and wants to get in his pants, baby. ... Or so the Yaoi fanshippers say. ::pukes and dies:: XP I don't know. Maybe the Major gets the laughing Nazis to stomp on anybody who doesn't salute him."
Q: "Does Alucard need tick baths when he's a demon dog?"
A: "Oh, probably. And flea power."
Q: "Are Seras' breasts made of aluminum?"
A: "Sometimes. I think the properties of Seras' breasts change constantly, as well as size."
Q: "Just how long is that gun of Rip's?"
A: "Long enough. XP"
Q: "Did the General take his blood pressure medication before he went to scream at the Major?"
A: "Obviously not. ;p"
Q: "Why does almost everyone in Iscariot wear glasses of some sort?"
A: "Because they spend all night reading the bible."
Q: "In the Anime, why did Seras order tomato juice without thinking?"
A: "She's fucktarded. She still thinks she's human. ;p"
Q: "Why did Doc accessorize his glasses?"
A: "They're extra lenses with different strengths that he can adjust if he wants to look at something in fine print, or something microscopic. Or he's fucktarded."
Q: "Who is taller: Andersong or Alucard?"
A: "Alucard is slightly taller. But I think that's when he wears his hat."
Q: "Does Jan wear contacts?"
A: "Oh, probably. XD"
Q: "Why do ghouls bother listening to Jan's orders instead of running around and eating brains on their own?"
A: "Because Jan can scream like a fucktard. Ghouls obey that. (Seriously. Although a vampire's cry is supposed to be high pitched so that only ghouls can hear, but apparently, Jan got it all wrong. Because he's fucktarded.)"
Q: "Where did Luke and Jan find all their vampires whores?"
A: "At Vampire Whores R' Us. I dunno."
Q: "Why did Al Paca or Al Pacino or whatever his damn name is buy such faggy clothes?"
A: "Alhambra? I don't know. I kind of like his gangster suit. ;p"
Q: "Is the QUEEN on TrimSpa?"
A: "I don't know. Nor do I want to know. The QUEEN scares me. QUEEN probably stands for something really evil."
Q: "What does Maxwell do in his spare time besides visit Adult Shops?"
A: "Make prank calls to Hellsing mansion, of course. ;p"
Q: "If the power of old people is great (in the Manga) and Andersong is over 60, shouldn't he have great old people powers too?"
A: "Apparently the Power of Old People™ only works if you LOOK old. Otherwise, Millenium would be taking over the universe now, wouldn't they? ;p"
Q: "Is Captain a ventriloquist who talks through the Major?"
A: "I hope not... Because the Major says evil things about taking over the world... That only fits well with little fat dudes who make evil gestures. ;p Hey, maybe there's an evil fat dude under that coat. XD"
Q: "How does Seras' hair stay in the strange, gravity defying style it's in?"
A: "Anime hair spray."
Q: "Why does that Paul Winslow guy turn into a dog man for no apparent reason?"
A: "Because he idolizes Incognito, who is a complete retarded freak."
Q: "Exactly how many freak chips did Incognito swipe from Doc and stick into dumbass Paul?"
A: "5,472."
Q: "Does Alucard ever bathe? ::has a gas mask on::"
A: "Probably not, just to laugh at people who die from the smell. XP"
Q: "Does Walter ever get paid vacation time?"
A: "No. Poor guy. But he gets by, because he's DA MAN!!! 8D"
Q: "What was the point of the flashback Andersong had in Anime episode 7?"
A: "To confuse us, because the Anime creators are WHORES*****!!!"
Q: "Why was Alucard locked away in his bondage outfit?"
A: "Sir Hellsing has a fetish, I guess. ;p ... XP ::dies::"
Q: "Where does Andersong live exactly?"
A: "In a VAN, down by the RIVER."
Q: "Why does Seras sleep in her clothes instead of changing into complimentary Hellsing pajamas?"
A: "So she can flash the fanboys. ;p"
Q: "Does Schrödinger get paid as a member of Millenium?"
A: "He gets paid in cat food."
Q: "Why doesn't Doc tie his hair back or take his coat off if he works in a lab where either might become subject to chemical or fire damage?"
A: "He likes being a walking hazard. That's why he never ever washes his coat. It keeps people AWAY!"
Q: "Why is Walter DA MAN!!! ?"
A: "Because he can take care of Integral, clean the whole Hellsing mansion (did you ever see maids in that place? Huh? HUH?), and kick Jan and hundreds of ghoul asses with string all in one day, without even breaking a sweat. ;p"
Q: "Does Andersong moonlight as a motivational speaker? ;p"
A: "No. His idea of convincing, is tearing people to bits with his pie-servers. ;p"
Q: "Why are there so many shadows around the Millenium members' faces?"
A: "Because it makes them mysterious, and mysterious = evil. Kouta Hirano figured making them Nazis wasn't enough to state that they were indeed, very evil. Or maybe Kouta Hirano got tired of drawing them. Hey, maybe that's the whole reason behind Doc's retarded outfit. XD"
Q: "Is the Major on the SlimFast plan?"
A: "Apparently not. He's on the FatFast plan. He's pretty thin in the third Manga when he first appears, but then he gets fatter and fatter and sports a double chin by the time we get to the fourth Manga. XD"
Q: "At the rate the Major is going on getting fatter, will he be around the size of the QUEEN by the next Manga?"
A: "Probably. Maybe the QUEEN is actually his future form."
Q: "How many Millenium members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? ;p"
A: "Four. The Major to rant about how evil the lightbulb was for going out, Schrödinger to make smartass comments while trying to trip Captain, Doc to hold the ladder and kick Schrödinger for being a smart ass while blinding people with his whorish outfit, and Captain to silently climb the ladder and screw in the lightbulb, while wondering how in the world he got stuck with such idiots in the first place. ;p"
Q: "If there are so many laughing Nazis in Millenium, where does the Major house them?"
A: "In the YMCA. ::thinks about it:: No. That's not a good answer. ^^;;; In a VAN down by the RIVER! 8D (Yes, the same river Anderson has HIS van in. ;p)"
Q: "Where did Seras get the old people used to stop Alucard and Anderson from killing each other in the museum? (Speaking of which, what did they talk about when the old people were wandering about the room?)"
A: "The Old Peoples R' Us. ;p (Talking about what great statues Al and Al were. ;p)"
Q: "What does Father Ronaldo's world weary expression tell us? ;p"
A: "That Maxwell and Anderson are handfuls to look after. ;p"
Q: "Why does Seras spoon feed herself blood when she can just drink it like a CapriSun?"
A: "Maybe she wants to pretend it's tomato soup. She must have a thing for tomatoes. XP"
Q: "Why does the QUEEN keep changing sizes?"
A: "Because the QUEEN is a freak and the worst enemy in the Manga."
Q: "Is the reason the Captain doesn't talk is because he's really wearing headphones so he can't hear anyone speak to him?"
A: "Probably not. He probably enjoys silently laughing at people who try to attempt conversation with him."
Q: "Could the Major's powers of EXTREME NAZI CHUBBINESS assist him in his goal of world domination?"
A: "Of course! Short fat dudes always win, dammit!"
Q: "Why does Hirano spell McDonalds, "MacDooooolnald's"?"
A: "Because he's trying to scare us. Let's not forget "SHIT FUCK", "Jane Valentine" and "Ziek Heil".
Q: "Why does Schrödinger even bother to ask Captain for backup on one of his (Schrödinger's) smartass comments to the Major?"
A: "Maybe he thinks Captain will slip and finally say something one day."
Q: "Why the hell does Pip grow his stupid hair so darn long when he wraps it around his damn neck all the time?"
A: "Because he's a stupid fucktard that needs to DIE!!!!! DX (I apologize to any Pip fans that are out there. ;p)"
Q: "Why does Captain never seem to change from his fight with Walter and Walter went from young bishounen to old cool DA MAN!!! ?"
A: "Millenium powers."
Q: "In the Anime, Seras' eyes turn red when she becomes a vampire. How come they're still blue in the Manga?" $$$
A: "Because the Anime Creators are... wait for it...WHORES!!!******"
Q: "Maxwell wears glasses for a total of five panels in the Manga, and then he takes them off when he sees Integral. He is never, ever, seen with the glasses again. WTF is up with that?" $$$
A: "Temporary stigmatism or he lost them. ;p"
Q: "Captain says '...' all the time, and Doc smiles all the time. Is this a secret plot to drive the Major insane?" $$$
A: "Of course, and don't forget Schrödinger's smart ass comments and the Laughing Nazis'...uhm...laughing. It's a plot and they're all in on it!"
Q: "If Integral died, what would Alucard do?"
A: "Laugh hysterically until he realizes he's stuck in Hellsing mansion, get in his bondage gear, and sulk in a corner."
Q: "If Maxwell died, what would Andersong do?"
A: "Laugh hysterically and run around the streets naked. He would probably be the cause of Maxwell's death to begin with. ;p"
Q: "If the Major died, would Captain, Doc, Schrödinger and the rest of the Millenium Nazis go on vacation?"
A: "Yes. To a place that has lots of food. They would also form a congo line and laugh hysterically for a long long time."
Q: "Does Alucard own a cellphone?"
A: "No. He can steal Anderson's if he wants to."
Q: "Why did Integral even bother hiring Pip if a paperbag is more useful against the undead than he is?"
A: "Maybe she thinks Pip will annoy people to death."
Q: "What is it with Maxwell and Peter Pan metaphors?"
A: "::has Michael Jackson nightmares:: Let's not talk about that. XP"
Q: "If the Major mates with QUEEN, what would their kids look like?"
A: "Like Jabba the Hutt. DX"
Q: "Is Doc on Prozac?"
A: "That fruity man-bitch is probably on more things than Prozac. Paint fumes, cedar baskets, and chocolate milk, for instance. *******"
Q: "Technically, how old is Schrödinger?"
A: "We don't know. He could be older than everybody combined, for all we know. Maybe HE created the Millenium Nazis."
Q: "Why does Rip feel the need to show off her teeth?"
A: "It intimidates people and keeps them AWAY!"
Q: "Will that tattooed vampire chick in Millenium ever get a name?"
A: "No. Kouta Hirano is evil and wants us to DIE for being stupid fanboys/girls!"